When the Flames do Part

[002 Cents]

I can't pretend to understand how it all went down.

Breakup had been on my mind for a couple of weeks. But suddenly he started to bridge the gap with the neglect all on his own. Calling every morning before work, leaving me little loving mid-day messages, then staying on the phone together every night until we would fall to sleep. After 14 months I started to think maybe he had turned a new leaf.

Then he decided to come out to visit, a 4 hour drive. But when he got into town he went to his sisters house first. He was going to eat and visit and be at my place by 8:30. When I still hadn't heard from him by 10 I messaged him to let him know I was going to bed. He responded sometime after I fell to sleep, "No problem. I have a key, I will let myself in when I get there."

He then woke me up at midnight to let me know he was leaving his sister's, calling 5 times between then and 12:30 because he kept getting lost. When he finally got here he couldn't get in the gate and called to get me to open it, but he couldn't tell me what gate he was at. I got my shoes and the remote and started walking towards the gate nearest to my condo. When I didn't see any headlights, I started to ask more questions to try to figure out where he was before I made the treck to the other side of the complex to check that gate and he just shot off, "You know what, forget it, you already sound irritated." He hung up the phone and I heard the roar of his 8 cylinder engine as he sped off.

The next morning I messaged him to see if we were going to try to salvage the remainder of the weekend and he messaged me back to tell me he is done. "Don't call me. Don't text me. Goodbye." He wouldn't even drop off my house key. On top of that I am now out $300 for the romantic getaway we had planned for my birthday weekend... the place he had me book without a cancellation policy because "Why do we need a cancellation policy?".

Man, when I was considering ending it, I was trying to resolve 3 issues: getting my key back, not forfeiting the getaway and ending it in a way that would preserve the friendship.

I was preparing myself but also, trying to give him room to show me there were still reasons to stay.


But, nothing in life lasts forever and so too, this journey has reached yet another and likely it's final end.

I cherish the expedition and transformation my soul has undergone these past 14 months... but the voyage of twins is supposed to remold us both. I have gone as far as I can to this point in our venture. Developing:

- strength under the harshest, most unwarranted criticism and body shaming
- tameness in response to rudeness and disrespect
- openmindedness, patience and understanding towards those who have chosen otherwise questionable paths
- independence and self-love from regular neglect

And while these tools are invaluable, at some point, the unhealthy environment they grew from can benefit me no more. There is a beautiful soul trapped inside this very troubled person. But growth for him will need to come from within and continuing to entertain such mistreatment will only enable him.

The only problem now is the symptom of what I can only guess is the parting of the flame. The intense surges of electricity that shoot up from my chest jolting me wide awake and triggering what feels like a short-lived panic attack. The last time we broke it off he had his own debilitating physical symptoms as well (every muscle in his body siezed up for hours and he couldn't move). I do hope this will pass.

Can anyone speak from experience on this?

Closure would be nice. But I will undoubtedly have to find that on my own.

[happyhaunts03]

It's been a while, but I do have journal entries discussing how I felt a band gripping around my heart and a weird vibration when we first parted. I still feel the band maybe once or twice per year, but not the same type of vibrating energy as before (then it was chaotic, now it's peaceful). I never bothered to consider what it was when I was going through it, but it seems as likely as anything else that it might be caused by the separation since my health was great at that point.

[selene]

to you 002 cents. I have felt this tiny-in-duration powerful panic attacks in my heart area too -in the past... I can only speak from my experience, but they were not the final break-ups for me that generated those.

Right now, for example, I am pretty sure my relationship with my TF is over... It all happened this past weekend: he sent a message that would have generated this pain at any other time (a pain caused too, by neglect) and also one more surge of thoughts of break-up / cutting him off. It was the absence of this pain that made me think that 'oh, there it is... it truly is over... there is nothing he can say or do now that can affect me'.

But every person is different... what I can say is that, for me, every pain of those was one more step towards healing, self-determination, and a love that rose above these dysfunctional circumstances.

[002 Cents]

Thanks guys. It is less intense than it has been in our previous breakups. I think he has done something on his end to sever the enery connection between us. Which is good because I need to be able to move on.

[002 Cents]

Aaaaand... We are talking again. A little bit. Just in time for us to still do the birthday trip we had planned. Everyone who has survived our relationship in my life is ready to slap me silly over this man.

I really don't think this is us getting back together... But tbh I have no idea what it is for him. I know what I want it to be and that's it. Just coming back into each other's lives as friends and sharing a final farewell weekend.

Any perspective on this?

[Inika]

you'll go few more rounds centsy.

strap the belt and hold on.

Enjoy your soul journey ride :)