If you mother wishes too much for you, can her desires affect you in a neg. way?

[Rachella]

I am so angry at my mother, but she passed away two years ago. Long story short, she has been lying to family and acquaintances about me having a wonderful career, whereas all I do for a living is a basic office job in another country (a job I am very grateful for.) She's done it in the few years before dying, unbeknownst to me.

On elaborating a bit more: before she died, I had already intuited she was making things up about me. However, she was ill for so many years that trying to contradict her was out of question.
Also, bragging about me is something she has done forever. I used to be a brilliant student, and while she never showed interest for my thoughts, my writing and my creative endeavours, all she cared for were results, so that she could tell everyone. I never got a "welldone, I am proud of you" from her, but I remember her talking about me all the time, taking extra credit for my "success". Throughout high school and university, she demanded my marks to be high, she wanted me to stand out, just because it was important for her to tell the others what a portentous daughter she had.
Already as a child I had episodes of insomnia and depression, together with severe stomach pains.
I recognise now, as a grown up woman, that her love was always subjected to conditions. If my marks decreased a little, or I was unsuccessful, dealing with her disappointment was very hard. Eventually, trying to get into the adult world and start a career was maybe the most challenging thing in my life. I found myself lacking self confidence, terrified by authorities and superiors - I may be knowledgeable and have skills but it's like I am a human being without bones.
Don't get me wrong, I have always worked hard and done all sorts of unpaid/physical/odd jobs. I have applied for tons of jobs and attented several interviews during my twenties and thirties. Funnily enough, every time that I seemed close to take the road to professionalism, something else would happen: from my perspective employer being arrested, to a project being suppressed or suspended, and so on. I don't believe much in good or bad luck, so since a long time I had come to terms that work is a sore spot in my life, that wouldn't heal it unless I fully accepted myself.
Before dying, my mother did admit to me that she was lying about my job to family and friends, though that did not seem the time to be angry with her. Now it's been two years since she passed, two years that I have also had to come back to my birthplace more frequently due to my dad (that's a whole other story), facing the consequences of the lies she's been telling.

I am on a whirlwind of emotions. It's like I have never acknowledged properly how her attitudes, projections and expectations have affected my own life. But the most powerful realisation is that I have become the sort of woman she used to pity (and mock): unmarried, childless, working a job that maybe many others could do.

I am fully aware that life is bigger, that we are all bigger than society's expectations. But I feel like somehow I've had to play a role in my mother's life, being a life lesson for her (I strongly doubt that she grasped it, in all earnest.)

I know that this situation holds potential for improvement and self growth, but right now I feel tired and sad and the biggest failure on earth.

[FairyCrystal]

Mother issues are always very intense and affect a woman (daughter) greatly!
What you now can do is begin living your life your way, look at what you got and do that you do like and love and feel appreciation or gratitude for. That includes qualities you have.
Write some letters to your mother as if you are directly addressing her and going to send them, and really let rip, don't hold anything back. Scream, curse, cry, whatever comes up, and NO thinking "I cannot say that to my mother". You can, and you have to for your own well-being.
Doing that is very healing and gives you a sense of finally having told her how she hurt you and affected you.
If you wish you can ritually burn it afterwards, or just throw it away.
Writing such a letter -and doing it more often if need be- can help to get closer to forgiveness and with that being happy in life.

[Rachella]

Many thanks for this FC. I thought I was already living my life with appreciation and acceptance, but recently there were some family meetings where relatives have come to me with direct questions and I have had to explain myself. Needless to say, I have felt very uncomfortable. These meetings triggered intense pain and rage towards my mother; to top everything up, there are also my relatives' perceptions, that she was "so proud of me" to the point of overestimating my abilities.
Yes, I have thought of writing a letter. I already did write several pages last year prompted by Lynn, but I could not finish. Now I understand I could not because I was not fully aware of everything that happened between the two of us.
Thanks for listening and bearing with me

[FairyCrystal]

Understanding of exactly what happened and how it affected you in many ways takes time. That's okay. Healing goes in layers too.
And bear in mind that in most these cases we have no real knowledge of how someone felt about us, we make assumptions based on our own perception and pain.
One thing that helped me much is the part in a book on inner child healing. I cannot recall verbatim, but it comes down to this:
If you could choose your mother to be your friend, would you?
And for many the answer is 'no'. And that is perfectly fine, you didn't choose parents like you choose friends, and you do not have to be friends with your mother. You can dislike her, be angry with her, and so on. BUT... no matter what she IS your mother. And as such you can respect her with all her flaws. You don't have to like her in order to be able to respect her as the woman who carried you, birthed you, reared you.

As a mother myself I can say that you always do your best as a parent -except for the abusive ones I guess- but you always always always make mistakes.
Doing your best doesn't mean it was enough for you, nor that it was good for you. But quite possibly it was the best she had to give you...

Maybe this can help you to find some relief. Such thoughts did help me with my mother who I would never choose as my friend, not ever, we are so incredibly different and she doesn't understand me nor see me for who I am, and she never did. So in that sense I crave that recognition from her, but even though she's still alive she cannot give it to me. It's not within her abilities. She herself wasn't raised with such things, and often she doesn't even understand she hurt(s) me, not even when I explain.
She has difficulty expressing love, which she does materially or with money, which to me often is so painful as it's not the way I need to receive it.
But... she IS my mother and she did and does to her best ability.

It takes time to find more inner peace and inner child work.
I'm wishing you lots of love & strength!

[Rachella]

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother, FC! Thank you. I feel so much better. My friends in real life would just feel sorry for me. I think that my first reaction to acknowledging her lies was like "she was right, I have nothing to show for myself so she's done it right." Definitely I need to do some inner child work and I will finally look into therapy this year. Lots of love back at you and thanks a lot for your warm and supportive words x

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Rachella

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother, FC! Thank you. I feel so much better. My friends in real life would just feel sorry for me. I think that my first reaction to acknowledging her lies was like "she was right, I have nothing to show for myself so she's done it right." Definitely I need to do some inner child work and I will finally look into therapy this year. Lots of love back at you and thanks a lot for your warm and supportive words x

You're welcome.

[Native spirit]

I cant say I had this my parents thought nothing of my achievements never got a well done nothing, where as my siblings were bragged up something rotten.
yet I was the one who got A diploma. but I didn't count. I am the one who has had the hard life.where they have had it easy. I knew my mother didn't like me. but I didn't like her either
where my siblings had everything. but only my friends saw through her and saw how I was treated, what ever I did was never good enough.
but my two sisters in particular were praised all the time.
But out of it I grew up not caring what they thought. I have always followed my own path. I have got good friends my siblings have not they thought my parents were enough for them. now my parents have gone they haven't got the friends I have. so it did them no good in the end



Namaste

[Ewwerrin]

Her desire cannot affect you in a wrong way, but it also cannot affect you in a good way (which gives you less conscious awareness of her being and becoming evermore here and now, because you are not allowing the joy of your being that can thus interact with her more consciously), if you do not allow yourself to recognize your own true desire, which then allows you to recognize your mother'r true desire regarding you. Which you don't need her to remind you of your true desire. Which is also your mother'r true desire. So that you can also grow more consciously aware of your own mother'r true nature of being and becoming evermore here and now. By simply allowing yourself to be all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now. And then you will know who your mother truely is. Because you cannot be who you truely are, and at the same time be contradicting your own greater allowed realisation of all that is being and becoming evermore here and now. And it doesn't require you to do anything, but allow yourself to be all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now, which cannot be done, it can only be allowed. So allow.

So allow your evermore greater allowed realisation of all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now. And don't worry about any thought or perspective you may be having in the moment, that may temporarily block your own greater allowed realisation of all that is being and becoming evermore here and now, only temporarily. For as long as you can hold on that resistant perspective, and suffer unnecessarily over it. But you are always free to do so, for as long as you are physically focused. And you are unconditionally loved and supported and guided, regardless of any of this. Nothing can make you less. You can always focus yourself into more self contradictory perspectives. Cause how will you know the joy of remembering who you truely are, if you never choose to forget it? And limit your own ability to remember it? So that you can come to a new perspective and awareness and appreciation of all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now, from a new point of view unlike any that has ever been before it or will ever be like it ever again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.... Being and becoming evermore here and now.

Thus, I say, you have forgotten enough. Really, enough. I'm not joking. There is no point in going further with that. Just let go and allow. Your evermore natural and effortless greater allowed realisation of all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now. And then don't care about your mother. She will be there when you finally allow yourself to find yourself. And who you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now. Because she's always been here and now, and you've always been here and now aswell.

So let go of the conditional approach. Because her "dying" is your indication that it is time for you to let go of the conditional approach. And simply allow your unconditionally worthy nature of being and becoming evermore here and now all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now, as you allow your own natural and effortless greater allowed realisation, under any and all conditions, regardless of any and all conditions, unconditionally, of all that you truely are being and becoming evermore effortlessly and naturally and joyfully and freely here and now. As you can be do or have anything you so desire. So allow yourself to be who you truely want to be. Because you cannot ever become less than all that you truely are being and becoming evermore here and now.

Unconditional love to you, and all.

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by Rachella

I am so angry at my mother, but she passed away two years ago. ...

Get your revenge: be a success bigger than your mother bragged of! You might actually be angry with yourself.

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by inavalan

Get your revenge: be a success bigger than your mother bragged of! You might actually be angry with yourself.

Thanks! You may be right