First love returns

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

Doesn't seem to be the case of the OP in this thread.

Ya, communication is what I was getting at tho... communication over jealous/anger most humans cannot even do things like that in relationships, discuss an talk about things because it's unacceptable an not society's norms. I understand getting upset and stuff if the person is lying to you and being sneaky, braking trust ect....

But if the person is just talking to another person or says they like another person does it have to a big deal? If two ppl where honest an trusting of each other an stuff....... anyway nvm I can't even finish what I wanted to say here fully cause I need to go to work.... by

also people say th is my MY boy friend or MY girlfriend, that's like saying MY property, they own them, they payed for them, you cannot touch, it's seems a bit odd to me when I hear it, not the having a girl friend an boy friend just that people think they own them.. instead of being together well some ppl say yes WE are together that's better.... sounds better.

[Nature Grows]

Just ducking in again quick, so I wasn't saying have multiple partners I would rather personally have the one, but I was more saying about having the type of communication they seem to have, where they can discuss things and the other does not get triggerd.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

also people say th is my MY boy friend or MY girlfriend, that's like saying MY property, they own them, they payed for them, you cannot touch, it's seems a bit odd to me when I hear it, not the having a girl friend an boy friend just that people think they own them.. instead of being together well some ppl say yes WE are together that's better.... sounds better.

Ha, I doubt anyone would introduce their partner any other way. ''This is a body I'm dating, her name is Casandra''. Be kinda weird, right? Using the word 'My' in this context is perfectly acceptable.

I agree that using the word 'My' in an controlling, possessive way is very unhealthy.

It's the context you use or act on the word 'My', IMO. In this case we're talking about a relationship, so there's some element of commitment to one another, if that's your bag, which in the OP's case I'm thinking it is. Majority of relationships include trust.

If a partner said to me ''It's fine, I can flirt with whoever I want, perhaps discuss meeting them up to rekindle what we once had - you don't own me.... '', as much as I don't own them I'd be loathed to say ''That's fine, darling. As you are, I don't own you, crack on''.

[Tortoise Walks]

Originally Posted by Le Faye

Hi all,
I have a dilemma and I could use some advice/help please.
My current partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years now.
His first love has reconnected with him and has told him how she still loves him.
This relationship was 50 years ago.... yes 50....
She is making moves on him... he has not responded romantically BUT continues to chat to her via messenger. I have asked him to stop talking to her.
When we were first together he made me get rid of all my male acquaintances in my phone and watched as I did it. I didnt mind but now the shoe is on the other foot he refuses to do the same for me.
I do love him I just don't understand why he wont do as I ask.

Are you now content with a partnership where you were forced to discard all male friendships and connections to prove and assure your commitment? Did he do the same in front of you? If not I guess it was a one way thing... Did you think it was controlling or charming? Is this how you want to continue assuring/expressing commitment in your relationship? It seems like your partner has decided that is not what he wants to do ATM.

If your partner continues to break his agreement with you (if there was one stated) or hes continues to ignore your request/demand that he cut contact without any conversation to discuss/reestablish boundaries then definitely take that on board in how you want to continue in this relationship if even at all.

However, he seems to be sharing some things with you - you are aware and making requests/demands. Is there any other conversation happening between you? Is he otherwise showing up and fully participating/developing your relationship? Is he sharing about his life and his first love with you now that they've reconnected and are chatting? Would you ever consider inviting her over for lunch or tea since it seems they are enjoying catching up?

Or are you feeling any... How can I trust someone who forces one thing yet has a completely different set of rules and expectations for himself... If either of you are breaking agreements or agreeing to things that is really out of your heart alignment best to share and get real about it and figure out if you both still share the same vows and goals and dreams for your relationship. People change over years...

Additionally, I wonder are there any needs of yours which have not yet been voiced? to yourself and your partner? When I felt betrayed by my partner every other unexpressed upset or ignored need showed up in force to complement all of the "but I sacrificed blah, blah blah for you" thoughts. Is the understandable upset over the seeming hypocrisy further fueled by any other relationship buckets not being filled/ignored? If I'm ever jealous I'm often not in a good place and I miss my partner or friend and don't feel particularly close or connected ATM. Usually when I'm in a good place in life and I feel my relationship buckets are filled in meaningful to me ways, jealousy is out of mind out of site.

For what it's worth... I still love my first love from high school... not in a "I desire to live/go to bed with you" way but in a "You are really special to me and I value our connection and hearing about your happiness. Hugs would be great! Would love to catch up every once in a while" kind of way. We were in a close friend group for years through high school and college and always enjoy reconnecting when we did. We went to each other's weddings... While there is a romantic element to our connection there are no romantic expectations. The caring is real (from my side)... and I could see potential for additional growing in what ever way works for both of us.

I wonder what making moves on him means? Flirting a bit or asking him to move away with her? Can people who have once enjoyed a romantic connection remain friends (or make new friends) without making current partners jealous and insecure? Chatting or phone call every once in a while... What about shared time for hobbies, ventures, or activities? Does this social isolation from members of the other opposite sex cover up for a lack of trust or confidence in the current relationship that is now being triggered because the protective isolation shield is down? The first love is not in your relationship so there really can't be any expectation of her knowing/enforcing your relationship agreements. I don't think the first love is doing anything wrong or untoward by connecting and chatting directly with an old flame after 50 years! I would totally look up my old friend in another 25 years!

Only the people in a relationship can make or break a relationship. People outside may just be the needed reflection/tension to bring clarity, harmony and/or change.

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by OEN34

Ha, I doubt anyone would introduce their partner any other way. ''This is a body I'm dating, her name is Casandra''. Be kinda weird, right? Using the word 'My' in this context is perfectly acceptable.

I agree that using the word 'My' in an controlling, possessive way is very unhealthy.

It's the context you use or act on the word 'My', IMO. In this case we're talking about a relationship, so there's some element of commitment to one another, if that's your bag, which in the OP's case I'm thinking it is. Majority of relationships include trust.

If a partner said to me ''It's fine, I can flirt with whoever I want, perhaps discuss meeting them up to rekindle what we once had - you don't own me.... '', as much as I don't own them I'd be loathed to say ''That's fine, darling. As you are, I don't own you, crack on''.

Haha yea.. i know its just when some people say it, its like... this is mine, look what i have.. if you try touch it i will kill you... lol, and they do that to every one they show, no worries... it doesn't really matter anyway. Was just something I typed quickly too.

[angelic star]

If you feel that something isn't right communicate and it's fair to demand to know from your partner. It's human to get attached to people you love as long as the feelings are not bordering on anything too toxic, and it's fair that the two of you talk , hear each other out and find a solution. If it concerns you then talk about it.

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

But if the person is just talking to another person or says they like another person does it have to a big deal? If two ppl where honest an trusting of each other an stuff....... anyway nvm I can't even finish what I wanted to say here fully cause I need to go to work.... by

Bye-sie-bye and hope you had a good day. Snow has descended on us in the UK and as usual, an inch (2.5cm) of it bring the country to a standstill (much to the pleasure of school kids whose schools are closed and they can and play in this horrid stuff)! Snow is such a bad 4-letter word I wouldn't be surprised if it was asterisked out in this post.

also people say th is my MY boy friend or MY girlfriend, that's like saying MY property, they own them, they payed for them, you cannot touch, it's seems a bit odd to me when I hear it, not the having a girl friend an boy friend just that people think they own them.. instead of being together well some ppl say yes WE are together that's better.... sounds better.

Yeah it does happen - perhaps because of tradition: to have and to hold, kind of thing in traditional marriages. But some of us use the expression just to distinguish this boy or girl from others whom we know. Like "my b/f" is different because we've allowed each into the other's life, rather than the guys at the studio and elsewhere that I happen to know. I don't own him or him me, though we do try to influence each other in ways. There's no control on either side, just the usual implicit shared "rules" things like expectations of reliability.

It seems to work. Jeez, anyone wanting to own me must be crazy.

[angelic star]

Whats wrong in saying ' My friend', 'My best friend, 'My pet', 'My child', " My colleague, 'My boss,' 'My teacher' " My student' .. I don't care to explain to those people who think saying 'My' or 'mine' is a big problem or is taking ownership of the other person in toxic terms. Whatever that ownership means to them and their relationships. All that philosophy only looks good on paper for show to act cool and detached or seek more validation from others about one's own personal relationships by talking about them out of insecurity and challenging others sense of 'possession' . 'Mine' 'My' can also be from a place of trust/ affection and love. In real life yes we relate to each other, it's human nature. There isn't a separate branch of human beings who don't relate to people they love and separate themselves from those they grow up with or have family with except the saints maybe who never marry for life and they make that choice to not engage in partnerships for life. We relate more to people who we love, are close to or are family than someone we do not know. It's human nature to closely relate to one another or we will become like robots. We not going to call a stranger on street as 'mine'. Otherwise I will proudly introduce my loved one as someone I know, as in ' My friend '.

[Nature Grows]

dppppp double post


.,.,.,.,

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Bye-sie-bye and hope you had a good day. Snow has descended on us in the UK and as usual, an inch (2.5cm) of it bring the country to a standstill (much to the pleasure of school kids whose schools are closed and they can and play in this horrid stuff)! Snow is such a bad 4-letter word I wouldn't be surprised if it was asterisked out in this post.

Hey Lorelyen! Yea it was a good day, planted some trees, and mulched some other trees, left some for the school kids to do, sometimes we have school kids visit and they learn about stuff, then began making plans to build a fence... no snow here it's kinda hot, yea a day off school makes kids happy, i was the same when i went there, i'd rather play in snow too, iv only seen snow once in my whole life though.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Yeah it does happen - perhaps because of tradition: to have and to hold, kind of thing in traditional marriages. But some of us use the expression just to distinguish this boy or girl from others whom we know. Like "my b/f" is different because we've allowed each into the other's life, rather than the guys at the studio and elsewhere that I happen to know. I don't own him or him me, though we do try to influence each other in ways. There's no control on either side, just the usual implicit shared "rules" things like expectations of reliability.

It seems to work. Jeez, anyone wanting to own me must be crazy.

Yup.

Originally Posted by angelic star

Whats wrong in saying ' My friend', 'My best friend, 'My pet', 'My child', " My colleague, 'My boss,' 'My teacher' " My student' .. I don't care to explain to those people who think saying 'My' or 'mine' is a big problem or is taking ownership of the other person in toxic terms.

Well, i never said there is anything wrong with it, i said its odd the way some people say it and behave with it, i didn't say it was toxic either... if you are talking to me btw it was just something i wrote kinda quickly without thinking to much into it really.

Call things what ever you like, i don't call cats an dogs pets i call them brothers an sisters for example, normally/often.

Originally Posted by angelic star

Whatever that ownership means to them and their relationships. All that philosophy only looks good on paper for show to act cool and detached or seek more validation from others about one's own personal relationships by talking about them out of insecurity and challenging others sense of 'possession' .

'Mine' 'My' can also be from a place of trust/ affection and love. In real life yes we relate to each other, it's human nature. There isn't a separate branch of human beings who don't relate to people they love and separate themselves from those they grow up with or have family with except the saints maybe who never marry for life and they make that choice to not engage in partnerships for life. We relate more to people who we love, are close to or are family than someone we do not know. It's human nature to closely relate to one another or we will become like robots. We not going to call a stranger on street as 'mine'. Otherwise I will proudly introduce my loved one as someone I know, as in ' My friend '.

If you think i was challenging others or trying to act cool an seeking validation from others, i wasn't... i think i understand what your saying, i have said before on another thread that we can be intimately one with all of life an creation yet absolutely free from it at the same time, like knowing how a tv does not have the same fate as the characters on it's screen. So still doing/interacting with everyday things but you can see it like a play as well. this was on a thread about renunciation of the world or integration of it and i said on it how i felt like it's better to integrate which i think happens naturally anyway, in my experience anyway.

So im not disagreeing with you, we can look at things from the bigger picture and/or where it integrates. But yes i get what you are saying, if you have seen Jim Carey for example lately he has been on tv an stuff talking an acting in spiritual kinda ways but he says, like i have seen others do, someone asks them there name an they say something like/similar too "oh sorry i don't have a name" that is someone who has not integrated yet or maybe they have, we can know both at the same time.