Can I get some relationship advice please?

[marshmallow10]

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not ok with this behaviour, that is why I am doubting this relationship. I think the fact that there is a lot of good as well is what's making me scared to leave. But as someone said, the bad will overshadow the good, and I think that is starting to happen now, I can't get past this drinking. He hasn't hurt me again since I told him about it, but he was making fun of it, which annoyed me.

He started drinking at around 10 - 11am yesterday, and continued all day, so I have no idea how many he had. But he turned up at the carols by candlelight event drunk where I had my daughter with me. Yes he is a fairly good drunk, but he is not himself. He was slurring and forgetful, and saying random confusing things like usual. Yet he kept saying I am not drunk, I don't get drunk!

I'm going to talk to him about this again, but this time I will make it clear that if he still can't see what I am seeing then I can't continue to be with him. I just need to wait for a moment when he hasn't started drinking for the day. However I don't think he will see what i see, I don't think he is ready to change, or even recognise the problem. But I do care about him a lot, and I will give him the chance, one chance!

[aragonite_11]

You've got this! Although I wouldn't recommend giving him another chance.

I hate being the person to crush hope, but I am worried for your safety and it sounds as if this is a dangerous situation for you and your daughter to be in.

There is someone out there in the world that would never treat you this way and you deserve someone that will treat you as an equal.

I almost died being in a relationship like this, If I hadn't gotten out when I did, I doubt I would still be here.

Sending you peace <3

[fanta]

The writing is on the wall and it doesn't look good.
Know thy self.

[MissCreativeSpirit]

Have you tried going to an Al-anon meeting?

[marshmallow10]

Originally Posted by MissCreativeSpirit

Have you tried going to an Al-anon meeting?

No I haven't. It's not that serious, but enough for me to see it as a problem. He has been making some effort recently after I had a serious talk with him. But I'm still feeling unsure that it will be enough, or even if it will last.

[Sapphirez]

Originally Posted by marshmallow10

Thanks for your detailed response, that was very helpful to hear another perspective. I'm 36 and he is 40. There are a lot of positives, that's why I don't want to leave just yet. We have this strange connection that I have never experienced with anyone. At first he was able to know what I'm thinking before I would say anything, or if I am worried or upset about something he often says something about the issue out of the blue and fixes it before I actually talk about it. I found it freaky at first, like he can read my mind. This happens a lot when he is miles away and we are talking on video chat because he works away. But after a while I have been able to do similar things.

I have had anxiety issues, and he came along just at the right time. He gives me so much positive and gentle encouragement to overcome my anxiety and he has helped me get out of my comfort zone recently. While he says that all the improvements I have made in regards to my anxiety since we met have been my own hard work, if it wasn't for him I'd still be hiding at home!

He actually told me he had fallen in live me me quite early, and this did scare me at first because my logic said no one falls in love that fast. But after a while I realised I felt the same way I was just scared to admit it. I guess I just find this relationship very different to any other I have ever had because of our connection. It's really like I have known him forever and I can't explain that. I feel so comfortable and myself around him which was unusual for me at such an early point of our relationship.

He is a very loving, kind, thoughtful person. And he honestly treats me like a queen. But I his drinking changes him, and I don't like the person he becomes. And not only that, I worry about what it's doing to his health. He starts drinking about 9 or 10am some days when he's home from work, and continues all day. AFter a few he's fine, but I see the changes in him after more and more. When I bring it up he doesn't believe me, he says he's just tired.

I brought up the poking and bruises this morning before he started drinking and he denied it. He says he never said he wanted to bruise me. He seems like he honestly doesn't remember saying that. This happens a lot, forgetting things he said to me.

This is a difficult situation, but I don't think I can put up with it if he won't even see there's a problem. If he did and started working on his issues, then I'd be there for him. But I know you can't change someone, he must change for himself, not for me.

yeah I know it is really hard to walk away or even consider it. I mean I didn't think I'd get into a relationship with someone that still drank alcohol or did a lot of things I felt I evolved past, but it happened, and I am completely reliant on him for shelter and food etc.. and now we have a daughter together. I do have to say that his drinking is unique and not like anyone else that I've known's and I used to party a lot.. but sometimes I'm sure he ends up having too much. He really doesn't get drunk or drink enough at one time to behave like most people under the influence, so I am not trying to compare him to your man's situation, nor am I trying to excuse mine's though.. the mere fact that he drinks any alcohol at all is a problem to me. even if someone drinks one beer or glass of wine a day, that is a pattern of alcoholism technically. and even if we avoid technicalities, the fact of the matter is alcohol acts on a human being in a certain way and does detrimental things to their body, minds, and surely the rest of their being. and there's also the notion that a person feels they 'must' or needs to have that drink. what are they covering up or why do they feel this need? it is no solution as I've surely experienced. just creates a deeper hole and void and toxicity, which I personally think that toxicity and voids is what a person turning to alcohol or drugs is trying to cover up. I know how unhealthy and unwell people are or can be and how much pain and suffering and torment that creates. they think the only thing they can do is turn to these substances to try and drown out their issues and cover them up with that distraction tricking the body and brain. but it is impossible for them to do that, they only exacerbate the illness and create other issues.


So there is a simple question of "Why" is he drinking in the first place? and I am wondering if that came up in one of your talks with him. How honest or open was he able to be about any of this or did you try to pose any questions about it like that? I know you said he is sort of in denial, but I mean if someone is being candid what excuse or justification can they really have?


but I mean I know everyone in this thread is telling you to back away from him and I did too, but you keep saying you want to give him more of a chance and don't want to throw this relationship away. it's been almost a week since you last posted in here so I am curious what the current situation and sentiment is.. but anyways, I advise you to not get seriously involved with him too but it sounds like you already are moreso than not. and our situations aren't the same but I can say I wouldn't want to leave my man even though I am against drinking and I did tell him that I would not be with him anymore if he keeps drinking tequila simply because I know alcohol is damaging and he is regressing instead of helping heal himself which he could do by adopting better different habits and hobbies, and his goal should be to stop the first drinking of wine not add more other alcohol lol.. but while I don't have anywhere to go, if I did I still wouldn't want to leave him because I love him and do believe in him even if I think he is being foolish in ways now. So my main thing is that I want to focus on myself and making the changes I know I should and hopefully that will positively impact and inspire or motivate him. cuz as is repeated in this thread, we know we can only change ourselves.. but we do have to participate in others lives and hopefully be able to have an effect on them. so we can't just throw everyone who doesn't fit our ideals or acts weak away.. then we'd really be all alone and not have any family either. lol and I have scared a lot of people away by trying to get them to make positive changes for themselves. meanwhile I neglect myself more and more as that negative energy and resistance and resentment builds up. So I am glad that you feel you are growing and evolving because of your relationship with this guy. I don't want it to end badly for either of you, or go on if it's not good for you.. but it does sound like it's been worthwhile for both of you. because how is he going to change and improve if he doesn't have the opportunity to make mistakes and have someone be willing to point them out to him?


just don't want his changes to be at your peril, or for him to only fool you and end up staying the same or getting worse. but I believe deep down people have great intentions. the main thing is just that alcohol prevents us from being our genuine selves. however isn't it interesting how people are sometimes more honest and outgoing or sensitive when they drink alcohol? I guess everyone is different but it does have a strange effect with seemingly positive benefits at least a little bit. but I think it probably has to do with different types of suppression and stimulation, like of the physical body and the mental or emotional bodies. and it's not a natural or normal state, but maybe it can circumvent other unnatural or abnormal states that someone is suffering from, be it physical infection or organ dysfunction or what have you.. and the alcohol keeps them from being as effected or focused on that so they are freer to act more openly or contently in ways. I don't know I'm just speculating. I did learn from a college sociology teacher who was involved in Alanon what alcohol does to the body and brain in an interesting lecture he gave, and it helped me quit quicker, but I forget all what he said lol and didn't study it that extensively. anyways the bottom line is that alcohol is toxic and prevents people from being their true selves and interferes with the body's normal abilities to heal and function. and someone who turns to alcohol needs to address their health and happiness in ways that will actually help them. and the more good things they do for themselves the better they should feel and more free they should be to free themselves of the alcohol.. in theory anyway


sorry this is a lot of blah blah blahing.. it's just an interesting topic and one I feel inclined to play devil's & angel's advocate about. one thing I heard that seemed to ring true, is that they call alcohol spirits because it kind of closes down your spirit or that connection, and opens you to be preyed upon by other spirits which may be malevolent.. and can help explain why some people get real angry and out of control when drunk, it's a form of unconsciousness anyways and one of the best things about life is our ability to experience and create it with all sorts of different kinds of consciousness.


So anyways, feel free to talk more about how this relationship has positively changed you, and about the connection you feel to him n stuff and how that's evolving. when reading what you wrote I was reminded of how I felt when I met the brief boyfriend before the one I have now. At first I thought it seemed so great, and I was super glad that I was able to socialize with him, and without alcohol, because although I drank at the time, I wanted to see if I could have a relationship without alcohol since I was so strongly tied to it and felt socially dependent on it. so we didn't drink at first and it was ok, though I now realize we didn't have that great of a connection afterall and I was just glad to be spending time with another human who I felt was interested in me and I was interested in lol. it turned out he was a heroin addict ! which I found out after he had apparently stolen some money from me after I even borrowed him almost a thousand dollars which he must've had no intention of paying back. anywaysss he was a little younger than me and immature, just a year younger but still. I remember when we drank one night how obvious and annoying it became. I bring this guy up only cuz I recall how excited I was when I first met him and how ecstatic I was that I could socialize with someone or have a relationship but I can't say it was real now. and I definitely don't think yours is anything like that, I only was reminded of it because of how you said it's helped you overcome your anxiety and get out and that relationship helped me get over enough anxiety to socialize too. I wasn't really that hurt when it ended cuz I was seeing how weak and sad and sick he was.. and I knew it was cuz he was so hurt and alone. and I felt more sorry for him. but afraid of him just cuz he was unpredictable and must have been very unwell to act as he had. once some time after our only month long relationship ended (yeah yeah lol I gave someone $800 when I only knew them for a matter of weeks- it was supposedly to fix his vehicle and get a taxi driver license which he did the latter at least though he got fired quickly) he showed up on my porch and I didn't let him in. he tried to jiggle the handle and that scared me a lot. but I don't know how much of a threat he really was, I think he was just desperate and didn't intend to hurt me.. he ended up sleeping on my porch eek. sorry again that is not really related to your story but there must be a reason why I am sharing it? maybe maybe not. either way I was just wanting to say that I know how relationships or encounters with people can motivate, inspire, and seemingly help us. and even the bad can end up being beneficial in ways, especially if we let it.



What I think now, if you are still pursuing a relationship with this man, is for you to try to help him figure out some healthful ways to overcome his drinking. like there are a lot of different herbs and essential oils or other remedies which can help someone in a situation like this. herbs that can relax, or help heal the liver, kidneys or other organs, work on the brain and do all sorts of awesome stuff. so finding a combination of certain herbs and drinking a tea of them, or just taking them in raw or dried form, could help him drink less or eventually be motivated to drink less as he begins feeling better or more clear-headed and inspired to be healthy and stuff. all that alcoholism has taken a toll on his body and he probably was already suffering before drinking if he felt the need to keep doing it, so he is going to need a lot of healing on all sorts of levels. Other things like EFT Emotional Freedom Technique or different energy exercises like Donna Eden energy medicine or enjoyable yoga movements like the 5 Tibetan Rites which are said to work the whole body and chakra system in 5 simple pose transitions could help him a great deal, if he is open to "weird" seeming stuff like that. writing and drawing, painting or other art could help quite a lot, and so on. So if he is serious about making improvements and changing his detrimental habits, he is going to be in need of beneficial habits to replace them. Of course it can be as simple as spending more time outside or doing different physical activities, but the more creative and the more nature the better. Actually drunk people are usually more open to 'getting silly' and engaging in such activities so you may have more luck suggesting healing activities and hobbies for him when he is under the influence and he could try it and end up liking it and adopting it as part of his increasingly healthier lifestyle. the ideal is that we are able to try, commit to and enjoy wholesome or awesome activities without being intoxicated, but if we are not sober we've still got to start somewhere.


so sorry once more I wrote so much and that it might be irrelevant but I look forward to hearing how things are going now and what's happened or anything else you wish to share

[marshmallow10]

Originally Posted by Sapphirez

so sorry once more I wrote so much and that it might be irrelevant but I look forward to hearing how things are going now and what's happened or anything else you wish to share

Thanks again for the advice :)

We are still together. I have stuck around because I noticed a change in him after our last talk. I actually asked him tonight when we spoke (he's away at work) if he has been cutting down on drinking, because I have noticed a difference, and he said yes he has. I feel very proud of him, he still drinks after work every day, but cutting down is a positive step.

I am feeling concerned about tomorrow night. He told me he is going on a bender for new years eve. I tried saying that it's ok to have a few more for the occasion, but please don't get really drunk. He got defensive at me for saying that.

He had one of his "benders" just before he left for work a week or so ago. He was drunker than I have ever seen him. Well heard actually. I spoke to him on the phone and refused to let him come over to my house while he was so drunk. He was very confused and not making much sense, I could barely understand him. He was rude and disrespectful to me on the phone, and once again I got hurt.

He has told me he will try to cut down, but still wants to have benders now and again, and that I should stay away at those times if I don't like it. I'm not feeling right about that. But he keeps saying to me, it's not your choice, and I guess that's correct. But it's shows his priorities.

So at this point I am still unsure what will happen. But I think I am the end of my patience and understanding here. One more incident when he is drunk that hurts me and I'm out. I will not be spoken to or treated with disrespect, because of alcohol. And if he doesn't want to put our relationship before his relationship with alcohol, then he will lose me.

[Ziusudra]

We are still together. I have stuck around because...

Oh... dear..
Happy new year...
Wish you clarity for the new year.