Waiting, Stalling or Commitment phobic?

Hi SFers.

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted in here and it always feels so welcoming being here and being able to be in a place that's helpful and non-judgemental.
Anyway, I need your help.

Last year, I met a guy at a very strange time in both our lives. My good friend had just died and I was partying it up trying to seize the day and he was leaving a relationship with a heavy drug user. He asked me on a date and I said no because I wasn't interested for quite a few months.

Something happened which brought us together emotionally and since then it's been obvious that there's a bright flame between us. It's been a few months since we've been involved. It's not a relationship as such because he's not ready to be in one and is focussed on making his career work and doing some soul searching. He says he wants to take it slow and get to know me. My questions for you guys are:

- I know I'm not a rebound and he's got feeling for me but why do I feel like I need to pressure this guy for a commitment? I have a lot of people breathing down my neck saying that this is not healthy etc etc and I didn't feel insecure about this situation and getting to know him and not being in an official relationship until everyone else started telling me that this was wrong and bad. I didn't want to rush to be in a relationship either for my own reasons and I thought what he was wanting to do was beautiful and manly (strong).

- Is taking things slowly a bad thing? Is there anyone else out there that has wanted to take things slow even when they were head over for someone and if so, why did you want to?

- Does this reflect on me and my quality as a woman? I've read so many relationship books and **** like that that it always pretty much blames the woman if she can't get the guy to commit to her then she's not an 'enchantress' or 'feminine' enough, which I know I am. Is there something I'm not doing right?

- Lastly, I actually feel like this guy and I are in it for the long haul. When I met him I heard a voice say "oh that's my husband" inside my head and thinking that was so silly, especially because I refused to date him for so long.

What do you make of all this? Please help me clarify because I love being with this guy, he gives me everything I want but a label or commitment.

[Deusdrum]

Okay I'll take a shot at this b/c I'm a guy in a similar situation but reverse rolled. There is a female friend who I hook up w/ periodically who I've become friends with & at times feel a real connection with. We made some general guidelines but lately it seems wrong to me, as if I'm stringing her along although we both agreed what it was. I expressed my concerns about this to her last weekend.

Two past relationships of mine ended for that reason, an unwillingness on my part to commit. But if I found the right girl, who knows? There is a natural, genetic prerogative for women to want a man to commit to them; they provide protection, hunt dinner, etc. And men have a predisposition to go after as many girls as he can to spread his progeny far and wide to continue his genes on through his children.

One side of it at least, not saying we're all cavemen here still, but natural sexual instinct can be a strong influence on people imo. I can identify with the guy wanting to focus on his work etc., this is the main reason I have no interest in a committed relationship b/c women drive me crazy (good & bad) and i can't have that throwing me off otherwise the effectiveness (not to mention emotional stability) of my life suffers.

On the other hand, some partners would in my estimation be a boon to each others careers if they were the supportive, make each other better/happier kind. It would depend on the nature of the relationship itself, sometimes it might be more of a slow burn. I'd say let it be what it will, and if something is off to you then tell him. What was the voice in your head all about, that part interests me. Maybe it's right, who knows?

Personally if I was really into someone and they didn't seem interested for too long I'd move on, but i'm stubborn and often rash and tbh probably hard to get along with at times (in romantic relats). Another thing is a person may act disinterested for fear of getting hurt or revealing their feelings too soon. Much ado about nothing and all that jazz, the games people play. Tis a tangled web we weave. Also the thing about being enough of an enchantress or whatever, for me- no way. If I'm into a girl in a big way then that's it, if not then I'm not.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you :) , in whichever way that may turn out to be. ~

When it comes to relationships, take no notice of what others say. Keep your own counsel. But always understand that you can never own someone, commitment on both sides has to be voluntary. I take things slowly. You need time to get to know even a small part of someone, partly because they, like you, grow minute by minute and I need to know what's at the core.

:)

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by MysticalPuffin

Hi SFers.



I have a lot of people breathing down my neck saying that this is not healthy etc etc and I didn't feel insecure about this situation and getting to know him and not being in an official relationship until everyone else started telling me that this was wrong and bad. I didn't want to rush to be in a relationship either for my own reasons and I thought what he was wanting to do was beautiful and manly (strong).



:

I think this is your answer. I realize this thread is old, but this is a common problem, that we all experience. We allow others influence the way we feel about something. There is a book What You Think of Me is None of My Business by Terry Cole Whittaker. I didn't read it yet, but I am planning to. People are well meaning, they have lots of limiting beliefs of what relationships must look like, but they don't know you, just you know, what is best for you at this point of your journey.

I asked him yesterday night about the nature of our connection and basically he had told me that he was committed to me in not those words though. As I am still confused and a little uneasy about it still I cast a spell last night and told the universe to clarify and I'm surrendering it to them now to decide where this goes.

[joyfirst]

What do you want your relationship to be like?

I want it to be the way it is but to have some kind of comittment. I don't know why its just what I want. I don't think its going to happen tbh the guys I've chosen in the past have walked away and never looked back and then married the next woman who came along. So upon releasing it I feel a bit mixed- sad, afraid, disappointed and somewhat stupid.

[Lisbet]

Find a good therapist who has experience with couples and the dynamics of men and women in a relationship. It sounds pretty typical to me that he is not ready for a commitment. If I were not such an impatient person, I would likely have waited for one or two past flames, but for me something is always pushing me forward toward something fast and steady, no hesitations or I'm out without looking back. But then, I think my soul needed someone who would chase me to the edge of the earth and jump in it with me and say it was til the end of time.

Inevitably what you have to do is spend time with your inner voices, find out which one is yelling the loudest. There is the one that says husband, so search and see if there are any that agree or disagree. Do they yell louder?

My voices would usually tell me, there is another person for each one of us, and that's how I knew to move on, even if I desperately just wanted to stay. Now I have the voice that tells me, this is where the real work begins and it's time to buckle up and go for this ride, no matter how many times I want to leave!

Listen, and then you will know. I really think therapists are great for bringing out inner voices, so that's why I mention it!

Yeah I've been in therapy for years and I don't find it very effective... Thanks though

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by MysticalPuffin

I want it to be the way it is but to have some kind of comittment. I don't know why its just what I want. I don't think its going to happen tbh the guys I've chosen in the past have walked away and never looked back and then married the next woman who came along. So upon releasing it I feel a bit mixed- sad, afraid, disappointed and somewhat stupid.

If it's something, that is very important to you, and he is not willing to go there with you, then he might not the guy for you. When you say commitment, you mean marriage or something else?
You know, Abraham-Hicks says, their perfect marriage wows would be : "I like you very much, let's see how it goes." There is nothing wrong with wanting a marriage, but if you need him to marry you to validate you as a woman or a person, then it is a slavery for you and him. Ask yourself WHY do you want him to marry you?