Question

[Naaria]

I can only share my side but simply put, my love for my twin is different from the love I have for my husband. Even if he were still alive, I wouldn't marry my twin. That's just not the kind of relationship we had. I mean, I guess I thought so at one point because we tried dating and "naturally" you eventually marry the person you're with--or that's the goal anyway? But knowing what I know now, marriage never would have worked for us. Actually, I can remember feeling a very, very strong pull to back out of us trying to just move in together even though we had already paid the deposit on a place (lame move, I know, but necessary in hindsight).

My need on a physical level is different from what I need on a spiritual level. My husband provides me with security, stability, and demonstrates near-endless amounts of patience with me. His care for me tends to my root and sacral chakras, which in turn helps me to nurture and strengthen my solar plexus, heart, and throat chakras. I have several mental illnesses and my husband--the big, sweet, softy that he is--is a huge reason I can and have been able to heal, and thus able to learn to manage my illnesses. We play games, watch movies, take care of our animals, manage finances, talk about this, crack jokes about that... he taught me how to drive (never needed my license in a big city), holds me when I have night terrors, and gently introduces me to people, places, and things that are out of my comfort zone. My husband satisfies my "earthly needs", all of which help me maintain my sanity while I go through life with him. He is my rock, my anchor here on Earth.

I love my twin to the core, and know with 100% certainty 0% in a negative way that he wouldn't be able to provide me with that, while also still thriving within himself and his life's purpose. I'm not proud of this but I admit it freely: it used to be (and can still be) a full time commitment taking care of me. I know that the personality my twin chose was one of a wanderer. He moved around a lot, and never felt satisfied in one place for long. Hunkering down and taking care of me the way my husband does was never in the stars for us. I would hate it for him, too.

My twin ignited my third eye and crown chakras. We learned to explore our minds together. We did yoga together, and meditated together. We stargazed, analyzed and shared our synchronicities, played around with the various psychic powers (clairvoyance, etc), checked our horoscopes, bought tarot cards together and gave each other readings. We philosophized (yes that's a word! ) about distant planets, otherworldly life, past lives, alternate realities, the different dimensions... things I know my husband isn't interested in and don't knock him for at all.

My twin is my equal and my opposite. A marriage never would have worked with us because we want the same thing, but are the exact opposites of what we need, because we're so similar... you know?

Anyway, so yeah! I love both my husband and my twin in entirely different ways, and I have more than enough room in my heart and soul for both of these wonderful people. I don't think it's unfair to have different needs be met by different people, like one friend being the one whose shoulder you cry on, or another being the one you go clothes shopping with... the feelings toward one doesn't diminish the feelings toward another.

Also just want to add that while I haven't used any of the more "spiritual terms", my husband knows about my friend and knows how I feel about him; that I miss the friend I once had and can never have again. My husband held me and loved on me when my twin's suicide finally hit me and I couldn't stop crying, as I held and will hold him when he needs it on the rare occasion my husband misses his late father so much that he needs to cry. No one's taking anyone else's place--we all have different roles to play in the lives of the people around us, like they do in ours.

Sorry for the wall of text

[umbridge]

Originally Posted by Naaria

I can only share my side but simply put, my love for my twin is different from the love I have for my husband. Even if he were still alive, I wouldn't marry my twin. That's just not the kind of relationship we had. I mean, I guess I thought so at one point because we tried dating and "naturally" you eventually marry the person you're with--or that's the goal anyway? But knowing what I know now, marriage never would have worked for us. Actually, I can remember feeling a very, very strong pull to back out of us trying to just move in together even though we had already paid the deposit on a place (lame move, I know, but necessary in hindsight).

My need on a physical level is different from what I need on a spiritual level. My husband provides me with security, stability, and demonstrates near-endless amounts of patience with me. His care for me tends to my root and sacral chakras, which in turn helps me to nurture and strengthen my solar plexus, heart, and throat chakras. I have several mental illnesses and my husband--the big, sweet, softy that he is--is a huge reason I can and have been able to heal, and thus able to learn to manage my illnesses. We play games, watch movies, take care of our animals, manage finances, talk about this, crack jokes about that... he taught me how to drive (never needed my license in a big city), holds me when I have night terrors, and gently introduces me to people, places, and things that are out of my comfort zone. My husband satisfies my "earthly needs", all of which help me maintain my sanity while I go through life with him. He is my rock, my anchor here on Earth.

I love my twin to the core, and know with 100% certainty 0% in a negative way that he wouldn't be able to provide me with that, while also still thriving within himself and his life's purpose. I'm not proud of this but I admit it freely: it used to be (and can still be) a full time commitment taking care of me. I know that the personality my twin chose was one of a wanderer. He moved around a lot, and never felt satisfied in one place for long. Hunkering down and taking care of me the way my husband does was never in the stars for us. I would hate it for him, too.

My twin ignited my third eye and crown chakras. We learned to explore our minds together. We did yoga together, and meditated together. We stargazed, analyzed and shared our synchronicities, played around with the various psychic powers (clairvoyance, etc), checked our horoscopes, bought tarot cards together and gave each other readings. We philosophized (yes that's a word! ) about distant planets, otherworldly life, past lives, alternate realities, the different dimensions... things I know my husband isn't interested in and don't knock him for at all.

My twin is my equal and my opposite. A marriage never would have worked with us because we want the same thing, but are the exact opposites of what we need, because we're so similar... you know?

Anyway, so yeah! I love both my husband and my twin in entirely different ways, and I have more than enough room in my heart and soul for both of these wonderful people. I don't think it's unfair to have different needs be met by different people, like one friend being the one whose shoulder you cry on, or another being the one you go clothes shopping with... the feelings toward one doesn't diminish the feelings toward another.

Also just want to add that while I haven't used any of the more "spiritual terms", my husband knows about my friend and knows how I feel about him; that I miss the friend I once had and can never have again. My husband held me and loved on me when my twin's suicide finally hit me and I couldn't stop crying, as I held and will hold him when he needs it on the rare occasion my husband misses his late father so much that he needs to cry. No one's taking anyone else's place--we all have different roles to play in the lives of the people around us, like they do in ours.

Sorry for the wall of text

Thank you for such an enjoyable read!

[Tuesday]

Believe it Or not, human Beings can love More than one person At a time.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

No bitterness, but you're conning yourself - there's no more delicate way to say it. How can you know she's thinking constantly about another man (presumably you). Constantly?
You can't be within her mind if you've done a runner so how could you know that? Her posts on forums may be to keep up appearances. No one could answer that without knowing what's being discussed, with whom, etc.
There are many reasons someone in her situation would get married. Stability, constancy - certainly better than someone liable to run at any time; wants to build a home; money; on the rebound? You don't necessarily have to love to marry. Many don't.
.
So no bitterness just the practicality.

Lorelyen, I fully agree it's mainly about practicality and even more to the point, it's about kids when women are younger. If a man isn't into being with them as an adult and open to having kids, young women ready to have kids will often move on. Or, the two do have a kid and then things predictably go south within a few yrs.

To Darkest...
Women are forced into practicality for this primary reason. Also, as Lorelyen said, women have often had to choose other practical reasons like shelter/safety, bills and food, due to their historic vulnerabilities in nearly every area from physical to economic to social and legal.

It's not a pretty picture, this world we live in, and women historically have had to put practicalities at the forefront,

Now, as to your question...if you are asking why a woman who didn't have to worry about any of those thing (has had her kids and has peace and stability and food and shelter AND an equal standing socially, economically, and legally) would marry someone she didn't love...

She probably wouldn't. We have fam and friends and we can have partners. No one in that more truly egalitarian world I set forth would have to screw someone for his time and his friendship, nor simply to go forth socially. She would be able to privilege marriage as a life partnership which was authentically loving. And let's be honest...ideally her intimate partnerships would also be authentically loving...otherwise, why bother to have sex at all in the context of a relationship? Giving for nothing in return but penetration?

This is the thing. Marriage to date -- just like most other partnerships -- is not about love for many folks. It's more like some level of affection, at least while times are good, and that affection can dry up or become more like apathy or loathing. This is not authentic love and never was, where you actively seek and desire the highest good of the other - simply for who they are and not because you're getting something out of it.

If we want a world where women can choose freely then we have to create a world where women don't have to choose (at least after they've had their kids) based on practical reasons. For certain, if most men plan to use most women casually in most relationships (until lightning strikes or they begin to get old, whichever), then most under-40 women will be forced to partner with whomever appears likely to stick around for a little while whilst they are trying to have a family. Many women will then be looking for a partner who is ok with kids around, and my experience is a majority of men are highly intolerant of that, even if they've got kids of their own. Certainly whilst kids are young, they are only generally only good with it if you don't have sole custody, hahaha

So, your soul mate doesn't actually have too many options if she wants a family in the next 5 or 10 years and she's jumped on something that seemed reasonable. Most men will "have you" but very few would consider staying, and fewer still are tolerable and have no excessively loathesome traits or extreme opinions.

Go easy on her. In a perfect world, she and other women could marry for authentic love and not for casual affection or companionship, neither of which should largely ever require sex to sustain it... or else it had no real basis anyway. But in that better society, you and other men would also need to be capable of authentic love, a love of your whole being for her simple humanity and the simple humanity of other women. And nothing to do with what Mr Johnson wants. As it is, many men wouldn't give us the time of day unless they desire us. Nonetheless they still don't care to hear a thing we have to say, and that ongoing dehumanisation induces both cynicism and loathing in women.

The fact that you are asking the question and wondering about the state of things is good. But she's married and is likely to have kids at this time in her life. Your timing is off for a life partership and it's not clear if you were up for that so she's found it elsewhere. She may not love this man but for her practical needs, it's enough if she she can care for him and he's there for her to raise a family.

I wish this world were different but we're not there yet. Until we figure out how to love one another authentically, i.e. first and foremost simply as people and beloved friends, we'll never get it right just putting sex into the mix. History has proven that -- the love written of by the poets was always the exception and never the rule. That's why marriages were arranged.

Authentic love wasn't the norm historically in partnership and probably is even less so now as folks move strongly toward the modern way of "amoral utilitarianism" in their relationships. Which I personally find absolutely vile. Is your soul mate wrong to choose practicality and stability (and hopefully kindness) -- as women have always done -- particularly when most men today, most of the time, will use her and other women and openly lie about it ("let's see how it plays out" )? Later, when she's had her kids, if she is unhappy then she can leave...most divorce is initiated by women (2/3 of it is the usual figure).

Go easy on yourself as well. You're on the bleeding edge. Presumably you do take the time to get to know and love others as they are. Presumably you don't put your penis in women you don't love authentically AND you certainly don't tell them "let's see how it goes" (often repeatedly over weeks & months) when you have absolutely no intention of taking them seriously.

And because of all these things, you were able to recognise and appreciate the connection you had with this woman who is close soul family to you. Otherwise, you'd have most likely failed to think much of it or blown it off, annoyed by whatever "thing" this was that you couldn't seem to shake or handle superficially.

Thus, probably still too few understand what you're saying. One day, I hope humanity has moved much more toward a place of authentic love and THEREFORE has manifested conditions on the ground for all of us that allow each of us to make truer choices. But...we then have to make those informed choices and with the capacity to love authentically. We have to hit the ground running if we want to pair off early on, before kids. We to be capable of love and able to give it and receive it. Much of the time, that level of maturity comes later. After kids and some life experience. And meantime, women have to have their kids with whomever will stick around and help out a bit, even if just for a few years.

Peace & blessings
7L

[bkmac]

speaking from personal experience, it is so exhausting chasing after the runner that the more it drags out, the easily it is to let the TF go. when someone else comes along who treats you better than your TF, it is possible to accept the other person and let go of the TF who never seems to get their **** together despite your best efforts.

no one wants to wait around forever. the runner has to do some self-reflection and get their act together if they truly treasure their TF.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by bkmac

speaking from personal experience, it is so exhausting chasing after the runner that the more it drags out, the easily it is to let the TF go. when someone else comes along who treats you better than your TF, it is possible to accept the other person and let go of the TF who never seems to get their **** together despite your best efforts.

no one wants to wait around forever. the runner has to do some self-reflection and get their act together if they truly treasure their TF.

problem being that the second you stop chasing and choose someone else... the runner comes back and messes with you so you want them again. Then when you've lost the other person the runner leaves again...

[july14]

Wounds eventually do heal. Mine ran and never owned up to our connection. When I finally was able to let go, was bc I accepted that I may never in this life get to hear the reasons from his mouth and as such I have to accept that it was just not going to be for us.
I’ve had two men since then who pulled my heart strings. Nowhere as powerful, but of very different quality, and if it did work out with either of them, I’d be most happy to embrace those connections without still longing for my twin.
Thing with the twins is that unless they both own up to it and committed to work together through the fears, they cause more pain than joy. And that eventually leads to a decision. Do you want to be in constant pain, or you love yourself enough to chose love of a different kind.

You assume she obsesses still about you. Here’s a thought. A twin’s memory may never leave us (there isn’t a week I don’t think about him), however it gradually happens without pain being associated to it. It’s like the memory of someone dear who passed away. You’ll always love them, but you won’t suffer bc of them anymore.

If you do still love her and you would be willing to own up to it and be there, you should get in touch. But only if that feels right, not so you can validate your assumptions

[DARKEST_HOUR]

Thanks for the responses. I’ll have to retract my Original post. I met my TF back in 2010. We lasted two months, and it fell apart, that’s when I originally joined this site due to all the heartache that entailed afterwards. Anyhow, It took me 4 years to actually move on and fall in love again with someone else. This is the person I am referring to in this post. According to a medium I went to she confirmed it was a past life soulmate. Must’ve been a strong one because it made me completely move on from my TF. It also made me realized that my TF was just far too damaged in this lifetime for us to be together, and so I released her. Back to my SM. I left due to a lot of reasons, but it was never because I fell out of love. In the back of my mind I always had this knowing we would get back together one day but sadly it’s not the case now and I have to respect that. I guess I was just shocked that she married in less than a year and a half, after such a strong connection we had. I’ll never know if this is all in my head now as I’m having this whole similar “tf connection” thingy still after a couple years passed. She was the best thing that ever happened to me because she healed from the pain my TF caused me, but I guess I have to let this one go now as well. To the person that asked why don’t I reach out? Well I did a couple months ago, it was mainly to get closure via email. No response. I don’t blame her, I broke her heart when I left but I do hope the marriage she is in fulfills her. But I need to fully heal and let go. I realized how beautiful this connection was a little too late and that’s a lesson I needed to learn. I’ll always love this person. But timing and destiny was not on my side yet again.

[Inika]

so sad...

im angry at you and feel pity at same time.

angry at how she was the best for you but were you to her? you left for many reasons....thats not whats best for her. Did you consult with her about the reasons and try work it out or decide to leave?

it makes me wonder how many take a companion for granted labled a soul mate connection s if because of the label and story attached....of course they will always be there for your disposal.

but in truth.....despite what you, me or anyone thinks.....it doesnt go our way. it goes the way its meant to go due to choices and chances that pave the way of life. You cant take back a moment...its gone, its done....choices right?

i hope you learn.
if.....big if you ever be blessed with another potential life mate.....dont take chances. take her hand and never let go.

she is lucky to have found her life partner so soon after you but her story is probably much different.....you would be the one the many come here and say....he was the catalyst to my true love....if he never broke my heart, id never have met (insert name)

and destiny......you choose karmic or destiny.......you obviously have karma to go through before you learn your destiny.

good luck.

[Inika]

double post. sorry