Can a Sexually Used Up Person Ever Be Relationship Material Again?

[Akhu999]

I don't usually like being this transparent, but it's really the only way I can express this.

I was raised very conservatively and out of the several kids my parents had, though not the youngest, I was considered the goodie-two-shoes. And I really did feel like "the good one" most of the time. I even remember the first time I cursed, as a kid, and how grimey I felt afterward. But we know that life gets a lot more complex as we get older, so it's hard for me to pin-point exactly where things started to change, but at some point, I stopped feeling like I was good. But it's strange because although I knew I was a favored child, I also felt like the ugly duckling, for the most part, but maybe that was what kept me humble...to a degree.

I kind of envied one of my brothers who was such a rebel but so confident and got a lot of attention. I was more shy and introverted. So, when I would do something I knew or felt was wrong, I would sit in the guilt instead of reconciling it. So, I had this growing shame inside, but didn't have much of an outlet for it. I guess shame and guilt has a revolving door, because it seemed that nothing I did or didn't do could shake this inner feeling of being defective or damaged, and so, sometimes I tried to overcompensate with hyper-righteousness, if that's a word...so, you could say I was living a double life and, sometimes, I came across as snobbish, arrogant, and unlikable. It did help me in one sense because there were certain things I just wouldn't do because I felt I was above it. But I was very lonely.

One thing I was, however, was a hopeless romantic, and as a teenager going into adulthood, I used to fantasize, often, about finding that ideal love. I would get the butterflies, the jitters, and the fluttering warm feelings just thinking about it. I always envisioned having an old fashioned relationship with that love that people had read about in stories. Yet, I stayed single, probably because I had very low self worth which pervaded every area of my life. Because I was a perfectionist but failed academically, I gradually spiraled more and more into self doubt and self sabotage, to the point where I was a 35 y/o man still living at home with my mother, with no driver's license, automobile, or assets.

I finally did move out, earlier this year, because I just happened to get lucky enough to find a family who would rent out their shed for an affordable enough price. On one hand, my moving out was a victory in independence, a day I never really thought would happen, but on the other hand, I'm finally left with myself and have been experienced a rapid decline of the morals, self respect, dignity, and innocence/purity that I had left by being even more promoscuous than I've been in the past, almost trying to make up for lost times. Although I enjoy these experiences (the reason why I have them), in the moment, I'm fully aware of what I'm losing with each encounter...myself. I didn't realize that I had a true identity until this time of living on my own, and I also didn't fully realize how much of my identity that I had lost over the years. But, at this point, it's been turned up; it's like my self deprecation and self destruction is on auto-pilot, and I want to stop it but can't, as I feel like my overall value has dimished to such a degree. There's such a feeling of hopelessness that I have, and I really feel like an empty shell of a person...a zombie.

I used to dread going home, often times, when I lived back at home, I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my life or growing as a man, or that I even had control over my own life, which was embarrassing and depressing. I thought that would stop once I was living in my own space, but it didn't. Now, I dread going back to my own place almost every day. But I know there's no one to blame for it because I know that this is because of my own choices.

I finally met this man who I consider "Prince Charming". But every relationship I've ALMOST had ended before I got a chance to experience a deep intimacy with the person. As soon as it got serious, the person would alwaysturn on me or ghost on me, leaving me to feel deep betrayal and abandonment. Every time this happened, I felt a tremendous loss of a part of myself, probably because I was so open with these individuals. I always put my heart and soul into it because I went into it thinking long-term, and when they left, I was in shock like the carpet was snatched from under me. But I've always imagined that the person saw something wrong with me and was turned off. This gave me a deep sense of embarrassment/shame. Each time this happened, I promised never to open myself up to another person again, but of course I would always end up falling in love again. But the thing is, now, there isn't really much of anything left of me to open up. I find it very hard, if not impossible, to even feel love.

That's why this new man causes me a lot of anxiety and torment, because he's perfect, to me, and although it hasn't gone into the relationship stage, that's what I want with him, but I'm conflicted because it seems that although I've finally learned my lesson about opening up too soon, I feel like damaged goods and don't see how I could ever be good enough for this man, no matter what I do. I haven't gone into the details of this connection but it has all the makings of everything I used to dream about, but now, I'm not ready for it and don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm crazy about the guy but I'm afraid of not being able to truly love him or that even if I did, he wouldn't be able to love me because I don't have anything to offer. How can he love me if I don't love myself and how can I ever love myself again? So, It's like I'm standing on the outside of my own life only as a spectator looking in and missing out on what I could've had had I not been reckless with my sexuality and my heart.

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?

For a person who's done so much wrong and has so much guilt, can real innocence ever be recaptured?

We're all worthy of a long term committed relationship if that's what we want. But beware, the flair of romance in the opening days can die down - doesn't mean it's gone, just that it becomes more subtle, gestural, less words and more an acknowledgment, the glances, the touching of hands.

To me it would be a mistake to think long term resides in sex and romance. It's about affinity that you develop together, a willingness to compromise, make small sacrifices, an effort to support without becoming overbearing and oppressive, to be respectful of the needs of the other while appreciating what they bring to your life. As things evolve you have to ask yourself "Have we enough to keep us together happily "as one" when the sex is over, when we run into hard times?" and so on which won't be revealed until you start living with someone.

And honestly, stop looking on this man as "perfect". Once in a relationship the "best behaviour" of early days gets peppered with habits and more natural behaviour that you may find distasteful. Even so, any distaste could hopefully be outweighed by the "whole" of the relationship. Don't think of yourself as sexually "used up." When you surrender to someone new you're effectively virgin to each other. Explore gently.

It could be that you've given too much away to early in the past, and if you have learned a lesson from this you know what to do... less about being secretive and preserving a mystique... that can run into mind-gaming if you aren't careful. Instead, just make friends; with no expectations, just see what, as friends, you can share with each other. Try to stem any emotional excess (even if you keep it to yourself -dangerous to believe you're head-over-heels in love when you don't really know the person too well).

It's easy to fall for the glitter of something but best to try to find out what it's really made of.

Good luck!

[Nature Grows]

double post.

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by Akhu999

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?

Some people do go to far into self destructive ways and don't get back to themselves. But I don't think you are near that stage yet, because you made this thread at least, and ask this question. Ok so you are 35 live in a garage, have no car or anything much.. well your living better then many people on this planet, you have a roof many don't have that. Go get your license and a car if you want, i imagine living in a garage there is just some rent to pay? to help out the family of the house? from the garage you can make plans now, if you don't have a job, get one so you can start doing more things with that money. Honestly living in someones garage is kinda good in ways, or a van because its like a house on wheels and theres no rent or bills and things. Just take steps to make things happen, imagination + action = creation.

But i was kinda similar at one stage, because i just didn't want to participate in what people called "life" i felt like every thing people do is.. it didn't make sense to me, why would i do all these things every one else is doing, if they don't even like doing them!? you know, thats what i thought like.. so it took me a while to get my stuff sorted too or start to but i was much younger then 35, but that doesn't matter. You can change your life and figure out what you want to experience. Even with the relationships i felt unworthy once, i also was just honestly afraid to open up to people, i use to make excuses for myself like they deserve someone better then me, then they would or did in the past go an be with someone who was just not very good for them, im not like that anymore though. But yea all the best with it.

[eliana israel]

You kind of remind me of myself. You haven't really lost anything being so vulnerable all the time. You gained life lessons that will help you to cherish whatever made you want to be vulnerable....there's beauty inside of you that's not in everyone.


It's important not to see that man as perfect, no one is perfect. If you see him as perfect, you'll do the same thing you've been doing with everyone you desired to have long-term relationships with in the past.

Love yourself so you know how you want to be loved.