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Can't get away
Oh my gosh, I had such a reprieve. I've probably been in "remission" from this Twin Flame for at least a month. I was in the home stretch. I didn't care about him. I was happy to *finally* find the ability to move on this time, to look back on the whole thing like a bad memory, a time in my life when I was foolish, longing for someone who did not want me. I thought about patting myself on the back for overcoming it. I thought about how placid my life would be in the future, without this TF connection hanging over me. I thought about coming here to the forum and saying, "I'm out, I did it!" I thought about what that would feel like for me... if I was able to move on, was the connection ever real? I thought about the responses from fellow users on the forum, "Well, if you're able to get over him, then he wasn't ever your twin flame." Blah blah. For once I didn't care. I was glad if he wasn't my twin flame, because then it meant I could be out from under this. At least I'd be free.
The universe seems to have other plans. While I've been grazing the surface of thoughts about TF lately, never going too deep, the extent of my thoughts about him have been "what a sad, miserable, jerk of a human being. he made his bed and now has to lie in it, not my problem." I needed to feel like I was better than that, that I had a better plan of action for my life than him. I even felt a little self-righteous. "I don't need a person like him in my life."
Then, after like four weeks, the 1111s started in again. That was the first cue. I wasn't thinking about TF at all and I didn't want to, so the 1111s were annoying. They were constant. Something was coming. I started getting all of these signs for my TF's home city, but I didn't think too much of it. I even found out that my friend, who had plans to get married in his country, had changed course and decided to have her wedding here in the States. I didn't even flinch. I didn't care to miss another opportunity to see him. I was actually glad to not even be confronted with it. But the 1111s continued. A few 111s, too, and they continue this morning. It took about two days of 1111s and some weird Twin Flame signs before I had a dream last night.
It was a long dream. I was on a weekend trip with TF. We spent time with his parents, too. The whole thing started by him talking up front about my letter, saying that he hasn't had a chance to talk to me about it yet, but that it's plainly obvious to him that I felt something he didn't. That he just didn't feel that way. But the longer we spent together and the more we talked, it became clear that he DID feel the same thing I did, he just didn't THINK the same about it. He thought it was a useless pursuit, he thought it was completely impractical and not meant for him. He could not fathom how I could possibly have ever thought it was a good idea to have a transAtlantic relationship. I told him it's because of love. That when you are in love, anything is possible. He responded by saying no, it wasn't possible for him. He didn't want that.
The more time we spent together, the more our connection blossomed. We had sex exactly once, in a hotel room bed. I came right away. Most of the time together was just spent hanging out, talking. I could talk about anything and not only would he listen, he understood it deeply, innately. It was lighthearted. I was looking over to see him laughing all the time. He said he hadn't laughed like that in years. We just ENJOYED each other. His parents were suspect of me but they began to notice how connected we were. Everything TF brought up to me, I understood as if it were my very own thought. He showed me some art he made and I was so moved by it. What struck me is that I was neither intimidated by the work nor felt my talent superior to it. It was as if the work came from the exact same creative consciousness. TF and I were on the exact same thread. It's that feeling of home again. That feeling that he is me and I am him. I was back in that heartspace.
I felt no sense of clinginess or possession. I don't remember hanging on to him or kissing him or being needy or up in his business. There were a few scenes in the dream in which I was entirely by myself. But the souls of TF and I flowed together as if they were one. We could be physically sitting beside each other, not touching, and we felt as one. It was if I was back in that headspace from 41 months ago, when it was just me and him. He recognized the connection, too. At some point, there was no denying it for him. He just wouldn't take action. And I'm looking at him like, "OK, what are we going to do? Are you just going to let this go again like last time? It's obvious there is something here."
I awoke from the dream feeling like I'd just come back from a vacation. It was more than a dream; I met him there. So I lie in bed thinking about this and how real it all felt. And how I was hanging out with TF's soul self, not this 3D, miserable, curmudgeony guy who rejected me and who strangles his own heart. It reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place, the guy he is underneath all the other ****. The 5D, soul version of him. That's who we meet in the astral plane, anyway, right?
I don't have any desire to talk to him or do anything; that's all useless at this point. What I'm most struck by is the series of events here. I felt like I was completely out of this TF thing, had my head above water, was not even thinking about him. Then the 1111s start in. And I question, "Is something coming?" I still try not to think about TF and largely succeed. Then, within two days, this epic dream. I don't get where it came from.
It feels like the universe is trolling me. The goal is to make sure I don't disconnect from my TF, so they send out an S.O.S. (the 1111s) and schedule some astral travel. "We can't lose her!" someone says, and they orchestrate the whole thing. What is this about? Anyone else feel like their TF experience happens this way? Just at the very moment you feel like you're going to escape, your guides drag you back in? I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this thing. Not when I'm being 5D manipulated like this -- that's what it feels like. Do you ever feel like this? And Twin's not in my life and I'm not talking to him, so there's no action to take. What do I do now? Just sit with these feelings infinitely?
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