I am here in this forum because I maybe found out something about myself.
Through life I constantly had moments in which people told me that helping people as much as I do is not healthy anymore. I should step back from the people that are in need for too long, its their own choice. Thats what people told me and teached me. But I couldn't. It felt unnatural to me, and it did not make sense.
I went very far sometimes in my quest to help and heal, crossing boundaries of my own but still feeling that I should.
Often it worked better then anyone expected it to, but also it never feels 'done'.
I have tried to listen to the people and step back, because if so many tell you something is right, you start believing your are wrong yourself. I felt that I probably just had some type of personality disorder in which one would always want to keep on helping etc.
I felt unable to live a normal life, to find my purpose, I felt lost and without direction.
No reasons to be here, really.
But now that I have gotten older have started to wonder if the people where right. Where they right in telling me that I should not dive into helping so much, what if this is just my natural way of being. Maybe its just who I am.
Why should I fight who I am. And in what way is that going to make me healthier? Its not I think, fighting your true self is not going to help in any way.
I figured this out, but still I thought, because I was behaving so different, that I probably just had a personality disorder that causes me to want to heal and help constantly. I decided to accept that, and schedule one day in each week that I can devote to helping others/doing seva. I decided to do that one day a week, and be myself, without considering what anyone else thought about it. Monday is now 'help and heal others day', and it feels 'so' right. I feel so much more in tune with myself.. its awesome.
Recently I was sitting alone for a moment, wondering about my life, purpose, my personality and so on and suddenly a word came to mind.
'Earth Angel'.
I knew the word from an artist, she calls herself 'earth angel' and makes truly beautiful art. I had not realized before that this term, this name, is something special.
Suddenly the feeling that earth angels are real dawned in me, and suddenly I felt it all fit.
Without a doubt I told myself inside "I am an earthangel".
And it all fell into place. The reason why I tend to put all I have into making another feel better. My mother, my partner, my ex partners, my friends in the past, animals, nature.
I stopped doing it, because people told me it was unhealthy, they raised me into being more normal. That is why I lost my sense of purpose and my direction in life.
I looked up more information about earth angels and every single thing fits. So I believe in it.
Now, I have to find out how to get strong again, like I was when I was a child.
I do not know why I should write all of this down here, maybe just to fix the realization and not lose it. And maybe also in the hopes that people can tell me more.
Currently I have some physical problems that cause chronic fatigue. Somehow I have this strong feeling inside that following my heart again will solve this. By doing what I was supposed to do, and ignoring the opinions about it. I hope it will, because otherwise I might not have enough energy to do much. A lack of energy causes one to not be able to do anything. Its what you need, like a candle that needs the wax to burn. If there is no wax, there is no lasting flame.
Some months ago, I made a painting. It had been 'long' since I last painted one. I just took some wood, some oil paints and decided to go with the flow and paint whatever came up. I felt like practicing a face and so I did. I spend hours and hours on it and loved it. I had missed that feeling of energy and flow, like I used to have when I was younger and painted more. I loved feeling it again.
When it was done I went home, and when I came back on another day I noticed that the face is my own face, so much in fact, that it was weird I had not seen it before. It has some flaws here and there, where I lack the technique but anyone that knows me would see that its my face.
I felt like I should hide the painting, because it was so weird with the things around the face and such. People would wonder why I would paint myself like that. I was not on purpose, it just happened.
I kept it to myself and I did not share it before, and will not share it again after this. I might remove it after a week or so.
But it felt fitting with this post, because when I looked at it that second day, I wondered why I had turned out to paint myself in this way. To me it looked ethereal and sort of true to myself.
I still do not know why the light/mist thing is there and why it has that shape and all. (if anyone does, tell me!).
Maybe painting is a way for me to understand more, like with dreams.
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