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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 09-05-2019, 06:03 AM
Grace222 Grace222 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: US
Posts: 367
 
Narcissistic ex-friend still impacting my life thru my son (possible dream warning)

Two years ago, there was an accountability moment with a friend/neighbor for devaluing behavior. At the time, I loosely knew about narcissism, but from this experience I know more now and realize that this was what was playing out in my life.

It has been difficult, as narcissists are great in launching smear campaigns, impacting other relationships among neighbors, and worse among my own family.

Yet, after disengaging with this person and just spending time on healing and rebuilding, I came to a good place again overall.

Then last night I had this dream a woman tried twice to invade my home. It was subtle, but I had the feeling the questions she was asking in my dream were not normal and were meant to weave her way into my home for negative purposes.

Today, out of the blue after many months of my son not really hanging with her son, an invitation was extended for him to come over to spend time with this woman's son. *Big sigh* To stand in the way would instigate my son to rebel I think (he's 14). So, I allowed him to go for a bit. But I feel upset and uneasy. There is only so much I can convey to my son about the toxicity of that home. I do not know if he'd hear me (or even, at this stage in his life, understand). But I feel that a warning was given in the dream.

For anyone not acquainted with narcissism, this isn't about being bitter and unforgiving. I am - I'm very empathic, but that is what narcissistic individuals extort and prey on if you don't realize what is happening. Narcissists are very wounded individuals who seek emotional fuel at any cost - positive fuel includes demanding worship and admiration rather than true friendship, while negative fuel includes demeaning and sabotaging those around them to feel more powerful. It's a royal mess that I've learned you have to approach with the attitude of "not my circus, not my monkeys" and people-pleasing tendencies must be gone.

Anyway, right now, I felt the need to put this worry somewhere. Overall, at least I know what I'm dealing with, which I found was half the battle. Nevertheless, I worry for my son, as I do not relish the idea of this woman using my son as a pawn. I don't want to control his friendships; yet, this one is all levels of not good.
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  #2  
Old 09-05-2019, 06:33 AM
Aethera Aethera is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 306
 
What sort of questions was she asking in the dream? That may pertain to her intentions to be wary of to keep in mind of possibilities that it could turn to.

I understand that you are worried cause you know how she can be and that your son is friends with her son - you want to respect that, but at the same time you want him to be safe and when he's around her you don't know how she will be like to him. (Like she may be put on a show and may offer him baked cookies or brownies as a way to show some sort of hospitality as a way to gain trust but used to disguise other intentions, while he's with his friend.)

I am wary of that woman too, cause I know how people narcissistic people can be.
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  #3  
Old 09-05-2019, 02:08 PM
Miss Hepburn Miss Hepburn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace222
...For anyone not acquainted with narcissism, this isn't about being bitter and unforgiving.
I am - I'm very empathic, but that is what narcissistic individuals extort and prey on if you don't realize what is happening.
Narcissists are very wounded individuals
who seek emotional fuel at any cost -
positive fuel includes demanding worship and admiration rather than true friendship,
while negative fuel includes demeaning and sabotaging those around them to feel more powerful.

Anyway, right now, I felt the need to put this worry somewhere.

Yes, get it out and talk about it here!

You are smart (in many ways) and to know these people were very wounded early on...it is a fascinating, incurable disorder.
Why?
Because in their early brain development normal, healthy synapses did NOT even grow together!
Think an innocent baby/toddler crying... instead of being hugged is screamed at and left in a dark room with a dirty diaper.
Think of the Rhesus Monkeys that died from just having NO physical contact...see?

The behavior described very well could be *Borderline Personality Disorder...
often confused or in conjunction with narcissism...no matter,
it's a tough situation.

Hopefully, at 14, before any trouble happens, your son will see for himself
the screwy situation he may have entered!!
You can always pray and show him what a loving, healthy family feels like.
__________________
.,
,
,

"Prepare yourself for the coming astral journey of death by riding daily in a balloon of divine perception.
Through delusion you are perceiving yourself as a bundle of flesh and bones...
Meditate unceasingly,
that you quickly behold yourself as the Infinite Essence"
~~Lahiri Mahasaya, the guru of Yogananda's guru

I have no scientific evidence for anything I say.
Better to PM me if you want me to see a post to me. I miss a lot.







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  #4  
Old 09-05-2019, 02:32 PM
bestinscount bestinscount is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 3
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace222
Two years ago, there was an accountability moment with a friend/neighbor for devaluing behavior. At the time, I loosely knew about narcissism, but from this experience I know more now and realize that this was what was playing out in my life.

It has been difficult, as narcissists are great in launching smear campaigns, impacting other relationships among neighbors, and worse among my own family.

Yet, after disengaging with this person and just spending time on healing and rebuilding, I came to a good place again overall.

Then last night I had this dream a woman tried twice to invade my home. It was subtle, but I had the feeling the questions she was asking in my dream were not normal and were meant to weave her way into my home for negative purposes.

Today, out of the blue after many months of my son not really hanging with her son, an invitation was extended for him to come over to spend time with this woman's son. *Big sigh* To stand in the way would instigate my son to rebel I think (he's 14). So, I allowed him to go for a bit. But I feel upset and uneasy. There is only so much I can convey to my son about the toxicity of that home. I do not know if he'd hear me (or even, at this stage in his life, understand). But I feel that a warning was given in the dream.

For anyone not acquainted with narcissism, this isn't about being bitter and unforgiving. I am - I'm very empathic, but that is what narcissistic individuals extort and prey on if you don't realize what is happening. Narcissists are very wounded individuals who seek emotional fuel at any cost - positive fuel includes demanding worship and admiration rather than true friendship, while negative fuel includes demeaning and sabotaging those around them to feel more powerful. It's a royal mess that I've learned you have to approach with the attitude of "not my circus, not my monkeys" and people-pleasing tendencies must be gone.

Anyway, right now, I felt the need to put this worry somewhere. Overall, at least I know what I'm dealing with, which I found was half the battle. Nevertheless, I worry for my son, as I do not relish the idea of this woman using my son as a pawn. I don't want to control his friendships; yet, this one is all levels of not good.
Grace22,
Your son may not understand you, you're right on that. But is he expected to understand everything you understood in life which required the experience you have had ? No, I don't think he should be expected to. You need to break the ice however, and sit your son down when you think he is more open to suggestions and teach him what you know about narcissism and its negative impacts. If done properly your son is able to trust you and understand you if you explain to him with love and let him know that it's out of love that you're telling him this- just out of love. It's also our responsibility as parents to moderate our children's relationships including friendships, just because they may not know all we know. Do not approach him from the standpoint of parental authority however, due to his age ( 14) he may rebel if care is not taken. Rather approach him as a loving mother who is only saying this because she cares and leave him with a margin of self and sovereign judgement. At the end of your discussion with your son end by telling him the ball is between his legs but you're telling him what you know out of love. Don't leave him with the impression that he MUST take your advice and drop that friend. At the back of his mind he will be happy to please you by following your advice than to please his "friend"'s mother of his "friend". Try this and let's have a feedback.
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  #5  
Old 09-05-2019, 04:01 PM
edithaint edithaint is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Mississippi River Vslley
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I say this as someone who has a narcissistic mother, and who is extremely anti-authoritarian and even "anti-adult" in my adulthood: do NOT push the issue. I understand your concern, but especially at your son's age, he may lump your own parental concern with narcissistic behavior. NOT saying you are a narcissist though. But there's a YouTube video titled something like "Are All Parents Narcissists?" that I watched a few weeks ago, and I totally understand where such a sentiment comes from.

At the age of 14, your son is nearing physical adulthood. He might even be capable of bearing his own child at this point. ALL relationships have some degree of toxicity, even the healthiest ones, and the sooner everyone learns this, the better. Labelling people as "narcissists" only oversimplifies our complex psychosocial issues, setting up false hopes for "happy ever after" relationships that ultimately leave us in shock when things go sour. Everything goes sour though. Everything can be toxic, just a matter of context.

Again, I don't mean to dismiss your fears. I'm absolutely terrified of my mother, yet I love her dearly, so I understand the dangers of narcissism from very personal experience. But I just feel the need to dispel this "narcissist versus empath" dichotomy I see far too often, because we are all both. Some more extreme than others. Rest assured that your son's friend is in much more danger than he is, as narcissistic abuse (especially by mothers) is often directed toward one's own offspring.
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  #6  
Old 09-05-2019, 04:32 PM
Anne Anne is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 525
 
Grace222, I’ve walked a mile or two in your moccasins...

It is mighty hard to bite the tongue and allow our children the right to work out the dynamics of a situation on their own.

Going all banshee on them defeats the purpose, confuses the kid more, and rewards the narcissistic offender with the satisfaction (or fuel) they were able to get not only under your skin but into your dreams as well.

I see I used to be a magnet for narcissistic types and those suffering bpd. I know now they were attracted to my core of calmness and empathy.
I was pushed around like silly putty for decades. Not anymore. The choice to disengage is powerful.

Now I suppose all we can do is set an example and hope for the best. <3 thank you for posting.
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  #7  
Old 11-05-2019, 01:23 PM
Grace222 Grace222 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: US
Posts: 367
 
"Yes, get it out and talk about it here! "


Thank you Miss Hepburn. Just that alone was helpful. I always enjoy your posts - you are such a positive force.
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  #8  
Old 11-05-2019, 01:31 PM
Grace222 Grace222 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: US
Posts: 367
 
Thank you all for your insights and support.
I had to let things settle a bit for a better grasp on the matter.
Parenting involves such an interesting tight rope (while also being the net underneath). :)

Thank you again
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  #9  
Old 29-06-2019, 08:38 AM
little.nation little.nation is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 295
 
You're cautious to not influence him or project your concerns on him but as a parent of a young teen you have authority. You have not only the right but an obligation and duty to set and enforce strong boundaries if his wellbeing is threatened or endangered.

You are not the bad guy here. Being a parent is not playing the role of the bad guy. You have valid and legitimate concerns.

Here's an idea: you can test the dream by evaluating what happens if you allow the other family's child to enter into your home. This would fulfill the dream and give you a direct opportunity to evaluate so that you can form your parenting decisions.

Instead of teaching your son the negatives in life as warnings, and things to avoid, show him your values first. Then contrast, in general terms (rather than directly focused on that particular family), what sort of human behaviors, values and mentalities are toxic to your family's values and wellbeing. Give him the tools to examine and evaluate and weigh and measure so he can make informed decisions for himself, too.

If he knows the right and good values first, he will be better equipped to recognize the detriments and decide on his own that he does not want to be involved.
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