A born lightworker who doesn't feel the desire to be one?

Hello. =)

I'd like to share my "unique" existential experience, in hope that someone may relate or have some deeper insights into it.

Many people I've met have thought of me as a "spiritual guide" or "lightworker", but I've never felt this definition to be adequate. Let me explain a bit about myself:
I've always had a very strong spiritual intuition, since a very young age. I've believed in some form of "God" (always seen in a pantheistic sense) and in reincarnation since I can remember, without receiving religious education of any sort, and throughout my life I've intuitively developed my spiritual understanding autonomously, always with the help of an "inner knowing" which I use as a guide for everything (and I mean everything, I am a radical individualist and do not accept any answer which does not come from the depths of my being). I've always had a very "mystical" approach to spirituality: I've had a series of very profound (and often traumatic) experiences/visions in my adolescence (on the nature of ego, fear, love, illusion, etc) which have shaped my current understanding tremendously (I am now 18); in a few years I feel like I've literally "moved mountains" in my own psyche. I've noticed I tend to learn spiritual lessons very quickly and so I've evolved incredibly over the last few years.

HOWEVER, although I feel a strong urge to evolve spiritually on a personal level (albeit sometimes with a definite tiredness, I'll admit), I don't feel the same pull towards helping others as a lightworker. What puzzles me is that I have a natural ability for it. I'm very empathic and I have a natural intuition about what is "right" for a certain person at a certain moment in spiritual terms. Also, people really listen to me when I speak, especially about spiritual matters. In fact, many people have told me I have a sort of "hypnotizing charisma" about me which induces people to really listen to my message and to "feel" that it is true (my friend used to say I could convince her that the sky was purple if I looked her in the eyes long enough). In spite of my abilities, the problem is that I just never feel interested in being a spiritual guide for others. When I do so, it's out of a sense of duty (because of my natural ability for it) rather than a true desire to. It makes me uncomfortable, it frustrates me and I quickly grow bored of it.
Regardless of my personal feelings, my whole life I've been surrounded by people with a strong need for spiritual help, and I've always reluctantly obliged. They seem to be drawn to me. I do realize this makes me seem distant and uninterested. In a sense, it's true that I don't feel a strong desire to "change the world" (although I wish it would change, I see what a massive effort that would take, and I'm more concerned with enjoying my present existence instead of building for some uncertain future). I am very motivated to change my own being radically and really desire a peaceful existence of spiritual hedonism, art, and free, loving relationships(but between equals, not as some kind of guide). I guess I've always felt and inner tiredness and weariness surrounding the idea of "chaging the world", and only feel motivated to change myself.
Really, I just don't understand why I would have incarnated with such an innate ability to be a lightworker if this is not my calling. Does anyone have any insight into the matter?

Hi Felix

How do I put this..... physically you are still quite young (note I say physically, I mean in this life) and you are at an age where you should be quite selfish. There aren't many 18 year olds out there that are interested in helping other people. So maybe it is that you are at a time in this life where you are just working on yourself. I think that is perfectly fine.

Also, remember, as part of the group consciousness, working on yourself affects us all. In raising your vibration you raise humanity's, which is also perfectly fine.

I get the impression there is peer pressure for you to share your gifts. Maybe you are at a place where you are to learn not to cave to peer pressure... which is actually quite a normal thing for an 18 year old to be working on.

You have tonnes of time to do what you need to do now and still evolve into something that may be of more active service to humanity... if that is your path... maybe not, which is fine.

I personally think the first role of a lightworker is to lead by example. Yes there are some out there that are here to work with others, but they still have to walk their own path first if they are going to lead others down it.

Try not to worry, so long as you are not hurting others (which you're not) and you are working on your own stuff you are doing just fine.

Sadly one thing that I am currently learning is that although we want a life of spiritual hedonism, where we waft through life in calm serenity and avoiding the harsher aspects of this world... if spirit wants you to help out with it, it will find a way in. This is what is happening to me at the moment. I had created a bubble of safe, spiritually minded (or at least sympathetic) people and Spirit is forcing the trauma of the "real world" into my bubble and telling me I can't ignore it any longer....

Keep posting in here if you need support

Originally Posted by AuroraFelix

I'm more concerned with enjoying my present existence ... I am very motivated to change my own being radically and really desire a peaceful existence of spiritual hedonism, art, and free, loving relationships(but between equals, not as some kind of guide). ... "chaging the world", and only feel motivated to change myself.

By changing yourself you change the world, so all that is needed of you is that you enjoy your life and just exist in the moment, then your light will shine brighter and without doing anything you are already doing more than enough. See everyone as your equal and just stop using the label guide if it brings you nothing good. We choose our own labels so why choose ones that give us distress. Life is a game, enjoy yourself and just have fun.

[froebellian]

Many lightworkers 'choose' not to be active, my mother being one of them.

Just because you can and are does not mean you have to.

I resonate with much of you have written and brushed things to one side, when you are able and ready and if you want to the path will feel right.

You must remember we must have a balance with our human side.. from experience, helping people even without realising can drain energy and also be detrimental to your human and mental health.