How do I make peace with being single?

[Nameless]

Read through your post and a couple responses (not all 10,000 of them LOL). Just a few thoughts that popped up:

Book recommendation: soul love, by sanaya roman. Try the first chapter, where you can sit and meet your *selves*. Helped me a lot in a lot of ways, I'm sure there is something there for everyone.

When you learn to love yourself, love will find you. there's the law of attraction thing again, I know.

Really, it's about being yourself. people love you when you don't care what they think, it's lets them off the hook somewhat energetically and they are not carrying your vibe. My 2 cents, when you start caring what you think and stop caring what anyone else thinks, then you have to listen to what you are telling yourself, right?

I was amazed at what I was telling myself that I never knew I was, but it is the small things that make a difference. If you can find joy in something, and try and just be happy, whatever way you can, it's a start. Joy and happiness are the same vibe, and love is in that vibe too.

Just be easy and relax about it. Everything is always working out for you - Abraham Hicks...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykAPG_Ap7cY

Originally Posted by Nameless

Book recommendation: soul love, by sanaya roman. Try the first chapter, where you can sit and meet your *selves*. Helped me a lot in a lot of ways, I'm sure there is something there for everyone.

Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by tigereye

Spectrum and White123, I don't think either of you realise just how much your way of thinking puts people off.

Yes, I do. I know I am desperate, and that my desperation is driving girls away. That is the whole purpose of this thread. I am not looking for a way to get a girlfriend. I am looking for a way to become non-desperate so that I will stop scaring people away. That is why I asked not "How do I bang hot chicks?" but "How do I make peace with being single?".

Originally Posted by tigereye

Try going out, sticking a smile on, and make yourself speak to women, without the want for a relationship.
...
and now and again a girl that is interested in a relationship might come along. Just don't do it with that as the end goal, or it comes though and puts people off.

How can I do anything without the want for a relationship? How can I change my end goal? Getting a girlfriend IS my end goal. How am I supposed to change that?

I can go out and try to fake that I don't hunger for a girl, but that'll be fake, and it'll shine through. I will still be as needy and afraid as always.

Thanks for the advice. It would be great advice if only it were possible for me to follow it. But how am I supposed to not want the thing I want?

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

Nothing serious - I was just speculating on your shyness level, for one...

I do not consider myself shy at all. I have done lots of public speaking. I have performed many times as a singer and actor. I have done lots of presentations and teaching as part of my work.

I can approach strangers fine, and I do it whenever I have good reason to.

In many situations I can talk to people perfectly well. My problem happens when I am needy for results and afraid of failure. That happens when I try to pick up girls, and to a lesser extent when I try to make friends. I need to get rid of that desperation. Otherwise all the socializing in the world is not going to do me any good.

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

The bottom line that you agree with wholeheartedly is the driving with your brakes on - which points to an indecisiveness on your part - just try once more, using the EFT / NLP or CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) to figure out why you are like this. It's funny, when I first learned of EFT, I thought it sounded totally wacked but then, when I actually tried it (because I KNEW I needed something to help me), it actually worked like a charm, and NLP I thought worked twice as good.

OK. Maybe I'll pick up EFT again. Thanks for the motivation. I appreciate it.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

How can I do anything without the want for a relationship? How can I change my end goal? Getting a girlfriend IS my end goal. How am I supposed to change that?

I can go out and try to fake that I don't hunger for a girl, but that'll be fake, and it'll shine through. I will still be as needy and afraid as always.

Thanks for the advice. It would be great advice if only it were possible for me to follow it. But how am I supposed to not want the thing I want?

Amen!! Well said! This is what I would love to scream to everybody!

[Emmalevine]

Hi there

I'm short of time so I haven't read the other replies. Apologies if I repeat what others have said but I wanted to say I relate very much. I was single for 5 and a half years after a very difficult marriage ended and when I say single I mean single - no sex or hugs or anything like that. Also, I have a long term illness and a very challenging child, both of which make finding a partner tough to say the least.

Like you, I felt desperate for a partner, at least after I came to terms with the end of my marriage. But I also knew that I was too desperate, plus I didn't feel I could expect anyone to take on my situation. Despite being so lonely that I ended up in therapy (I have a difficult family background too) I tried to learn to appreciate my own company. There are good aspects to being alone. I have space to do what i want and I have been able to learn more about who I am and what I want. I began to focus on making my own life work rather than expect a knight in shining armor to fix it for me. I started a university course and made personal goals that were not focussed on wanting a person to fill a void. I started a spiritual group in my area because I wanted to meet like minded people. I never stopped being lonely or longing for a partner, but once I began to find personal fulfillment, the pain lessened. I am now dating someone who really appreciates who I am and what I do with my life despite my physical limitations. He says he admires me for my drive and passion to follow my dreams. I admire him for his own. We complement each other's passions, but don't feed off each other.

My point is that earlier this year I had a single date with someone who came across very desperate for a relationship and (I hate to say) didn't really seem to have a lot to offer. This was confirmed when he became very needy after I turned him down. As you already know, desperation is not attractive. Being comfortable with oneself, is.

My advice is to focus on what makes YOU happy. This doesn't mean you have to enjpy being single. Just don't focus on it. Go out and live your life so that you feel whole. Then when you do meet someone (and you will) they will see what makes you light up, makes you whole, so they don't feel obliged to fill a gap in your life, because no one can do that. It's a cliche, but the best relationship you can have is with yourself. Then once you meet someone else, it will be a shared love between two people who are already whole, who want to be with eachother rather than need.

I hope this doesn't come across too patronising as I know how difficult it is to be lonely and single. I've battled with this for years. It truly does change when you learn to accept your situation and create happiness for yourself.

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Yes, I do. I know I am desperate, and that my desperation is driving girls away. That is the whole purpose of this thread. I am not looking for a way to get a girlfriend. I am looking for a way to become non-desperate so that I will stop scaring people away. That is why I asked not "How do I bang hot chicks?" but "How do I make peace with being single?".


How can I do anything without the want for a relationship? How can I change my end goal? Getting a girlfriend IS my end goal. How am I supposed to change that?

I can go out and try to fake that I don't hunger for a girl, but that'll be fake, and it'll shine through. I will still be as needy and afraid as always.

Thanks for the advice. It would be great advice if only it were possible for me to follow it. But how am I supposed to not want the thing I want?

You have to work to not want that as the end goal. You can change your end goal - getting a girl might be your end goal, but you have to change it or you will just go in a big circle. You change it by speaking to lots of people (and women) and to train yourself into thinking the way you want. Pick someone you have no interest in if that helps, to start with, and work your way up to women you have more interest in. Yes FAKE that you are not interested in a relationship, because that's what will filter through into not wanting one. Keep speaking to everybody you get the chance to until when you speak to women you like you act no differently than if you were just chatting to a guy. You change your thought processes by changing your actions.

[Moonstar84]

I have tried to accept being single but I just can't seem to do it somehow. I think part of me is scared of committing to someone, so then I try to think, "Maybe I should accept that I'm going to be single forever" but then I just can't give up on the idea of being in a relationship. People always say, "I stopped looking and I found someone," or, "I became complete in myself and then I found my perfect man/woman," but then the problem is that you think, "Stop looking! Stop looking! Must become complete in myself NOW!! Then I'll find someone!" lol. I don't know if there's any point trying to become complete or whole in yourself just because you hope it will get you a partner in the end!

[Moonstar84]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

My advice is to focus on what makes YOU happy. This doesn't mean you have to enjpy being single. Just don't focus on it. Go out and live your life so that you feel whole. Then when you do meet someone (and you will) they will see what makes you light up, makes you whole, so they don't feel obliged to fill a gap in your life, because no one can do that. It's a cliche, but the best relationship you can have is with yourself. Then once you meet someone else, it will be a shared love between two people who are already whole, who want to be with eachother rather than need.

This is good advice. I have hobbies and things that I love but I don't really feel "whole". I know I love music and books but I can't remember the last time I did something that really made me "light up". I would love to feel that way. The Law of Attraction has helped me to feel better in some ways though.

P.S. Whereabouts is your spiritual group located (if you're still running it?) And what sort of things do you do there? I live in Sussex. :)

Edit: I just found your Facebook group (from your website). Have "Liked" it. :)

I have been reading a lot on "Your Brain on Porn"*. Inspired by it, I have decided to eliminate pornography, masturbation and similar things from my life. Perhaps that will help. I know that many people have found that dropping porn and masturbation was the way out of depression and social aversion.

I have only gone a week so far, so I cannot tell yet whether it is working.

* I cannot post URLs, but google it if you are interested.