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17-03-2014, 07:26 AM
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Hurting a lot
I am writing hoping someone can guide me in the right direction..
I have lost a lot of relationships in my life.
I'm still friends with one of my ex-girldriends, and there's a cycle where almost every two years she or I say something that sparks a deep grief in my heart. She is understanding of my issues mental health wise. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first. Last night she told me she loved me and c ared a lot about me and since then I've not been able to stop crying.
My ex number two was a long distance relationship.
Ex three was too a long distance relationship but that relation was never official. She was mytwin flame with that there was no need for relationship labels. I fell deeply and madly in love with her and all in one day she disappeared off the face of the planet. I loved her hard and yet I never was allowed to be aware I loved her b y God. And with that rule the day after she left my life I triwd to apologize with no success. I told her I loved her in a fit of tears and she only said thank you. I have known this one 11 years. But she has been gone for six years and I still love her my love for her runs deeply and it still hurts when I
Let it.
Ex four I never loved but stayed with for 2 years.
Now a man in the picture who wants to marry me. He's very sweet, understanding, and knows how to make my emotions calm down which is one of the main things I look for in a partner. I like him a lot but not letting my heart get involved as I am 95% only interested in women. I have emotional feelings for him but physical.... Its not there.
I am missing my family big time. I am missing my ex from above who I still love and Ifwar iI always will. These are the people who left a scar on my heart in some way. It hurts so much. I mean I am crying for no reason other than me being a sensitive lacking love and someone who cares...I am terrified of the next thing that is going to happen. I have multiple personality disorder although it no longer called that. Perhaps that's why there is no closure and why Istill am ffeeling broken. I cant live with my feelings.... When I love, its forever.
Please just comment on this. What is this teaching me? What do I do Right Now?
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17-03-2014, 04:43 PM
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From reading your post, it sounds like you have a powerfully open but vulnerable heart. You get wounded easily, yet love very deeply.
The sense I get from your descriptions is that your relationships were very intense, but lacked the stability you are looking for. That you want someone with whom you can have that intense closeness, but also a calm, life-long connection. And I think that the person you are meant to have that life-long relationship with is not in your life yet, or at least isn't one of these people you've described. If it was one of the first four ex'es, you wouldn't have broken up with them. You would still be together. It may be best to close these four as belonging to the past. Still love them with the unconditional love we are called to love all beings with, but accept that they are not right for you in this lifetime.
The man who wants to marry you sounds like a good man, but I think that if you go with someone you are not physically attracted to then you won't be happy. If you're physically attracted to women then look for a woman as your life-partner. Otherwise you won't find physical satisfaction and will always be seeking it. You won't be happy and will always be tempted to leave him for someone who does satisfy you physically.
I know how hard it is to want that partner for you and not be able to find her. It's a great trial. Maybe the lesson is to learn a detachment and peace - a freedom from needing others. Death comes to us all and so we cannot cling to anyone in this life. Therefore it's vital that we find peace and love within ourselves. We can then give that peace and love to others, and grow in it through a relationship when the right person appears. But in the meantime we have grown in contentment within ourselves. This will then allow us to focus on the other person's happiness because we have learned to be content within. There is no getting away from the pain of singleness when you want a life partner. But it's an experience we all go through and it can be an important time of growth in itself.
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17-03-2014, 05:04 PM
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Knower
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 233
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I'm pretty new to all this and can't tell you what this is teaching you...but I am with Oliness when it comes to physical attraction. I'm certain this man who wants to marry you is a good person...but if you're not attracted to him, your relationship will not work out.
I know it sounds cliche', but really...once you stop looking so hard, things seem to happen. Hang in there.
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17-03-2014, 10:57 PM
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Experiencer
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Mythical State of Jefferson, USA
Posts: 291
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*hugs you tightly* Oh honey...
I can't really give you much answer, because I don't love like you do, so I cannot imagine how much of a struggle it is daily for you, but I can say that you have friends here that will do their best to help you along.
__________________
...but when you take a punch
Don't you ever forget
Why you get up and you put one foot in front of the next...
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