I am so alone

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

I get the story now, Baile... the current partner, who resents having to share his significant other, with her children.

You need time to yourself, time to heal and do everything you enjoy doing, without any abuse or criticism.

People often justify their partner's criticism and cold-shoulder treatment as "all part of the relationship journey, and some of it is difficult."

We are programmed (by society, religion, peers) to believe we have to accept it all, even the awful stuff, because that's what relationships are for supposedly: to learn how to deal with the awful stuff as well as the good. No. This is the dysfunction that many people simply cannot see and will not admit to. Mostly out of fear as I said, but in part out of immaturity. I didn't understand this until my mid-40s, after suffering through two horribly dysfunctional relationships.

Relationships rather are meant to be the peaceful REFUGE from all the awful stuff out there in the world. If the relationship are not a refuge -- if one is being criticized and given the cold-shoulder, and left feeling alone and with nobody to talk to -- then it's not a properly-functioning relationship. And that's the bottom line.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Baile

People often justify their partner's criticism and cold-shoulder treatment as "all part of the relationship journey, and some of it is difficult."

We are programmed (by society, religion, peers) to believe we have to accept it all, even the awful stuff, because that's what relationships are for supposedly: to learn how to deal with the awful stuff as well as the good. No. This is the dysfunction that many people simply cannot see and will not admit to. Mostly out of fear as I said, but in part out of immaturity. I didn't understand this until my mid-40s, after suffering through two horribly dysfunctional relationships.

Relationships rather are meant to be the peaceful REFUGE from all the awful stuff out there in the world. If the relationship are not a refuge -- if one is being criticized and given the cold-shoulder, and left feeling alone and with nobody to talk to -- then it's not a properly-functioning relationship. And that's the bottom line.

I am in total agreement with every word of this...every word.

It is not selfish to have goals and dreams, as they define your reality..

I just have a small problem with people getting in the way out of fear, jealousy, or who knows what, so I can't seem to be keeping up with the continual game of "upping the ante just because I can do that..."

Barriers have to be set up...lines of demarcation need to be drawn in the sand...give a narcissist enough rope, they will hang you.

I realised it in my late 30s and it has been a difficult ride ever since...but I prefer being "lonely" to being "abused/tortured" and that is a very difficult decision to make...but one, you know deep down that needs to be made so your soul can grow.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

It is not selfish to have goals and dreams.

This rang a bell. An awful clanging. From years gone by (thankfully!).

The abusive partner will tell you that your head-in-the-cloud dreams of a joy-filled lifetime with Prince Charming/Cinderella, are utter nonsense. And so we hang our head, believing, never realizing this is just one more aspect of the dysfunction and abuse we are continually being subjected to.

Our dreams are wrong! We are fools to even dream! How selfish of me, to make this life about me and what I dream about...

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by Baile

This rang a bell. An awful clanging from years gone by (thankfully!).

The abusive partner will tell you that your head-in-the-cloud dreams of a joy-filled lifetime with Prince Charming/Cinderella, are utter nonsense. And so we hang our head, believing, never realizing this is just one more aspect of the criticism and abuse we are continually being subjected to.

Our dreams are wrong! We are fools to even dream! How selfish of me, to make this life about me and what I dream about...

We create our own realities only to the extent that "unseen forces" make everything negatively coincidental occur, until I realise that I have NO "control" over anything and The Fates are pulling my strings and teaching me a lesson..but we both belong to a "different time that is exactly the same as this time because of the permanence of the NOW"..If I get started on this one, we'll be here all night..lol

[Native spirit]

There is no need to feel sorry and you are not alone your partner needs to help you more not shout at you. I don't know who told you that you would not get your kids back.it was an unethical thing to say to anyone.
your kids will understand who is in the wrong one day.and they will reach out to you.just keep the door open for them.
why don't you join a support group that would give you something to focus your mind on.
and if your partner continues acting the way he does.get rid of him you don't need people like him in your life.

Namaste

[MissCreativeSpirit]

I attract emotionally unavailable guys too. I will do almost anything to change that.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by MissCreativeSpirit

I attract emotionally unavailable guys too. I will do almost anything to change that.

Oh I love that comment! Well I stopped, so you can too. Now in my case I attracted women (for 21 misery-filled years) who kept me in my place via criticism, verbal abuse and shaming techniques.

AND even physical abuse. Now why and how in the world would I allow it to go that far? Why wouldn't I just leave someone like that? Because I didn't like myself. And these people just affirmed to me that I wasn't a very good person. Hey they must be right! I am bad, please physically attack and hurt me, I deserve it.

It is a ugly bit of deep-seated soul-sickness. The good news is it's just a bit, and not a lot. For we are mostly beings of light. And the trick is to flip the switch and shine the light, so as to expose the sickness and burn it off forever.

We can discuss if you like. It's a topic I love, but only now that I'm healthy and healed, ha!

Even if I was a close friend of yours and Have seen multiple futures all showing you without your kids I would never ever tell you that.

I can 100% without question tell you that I’ve seen future’s for those close to me that never happened or changed.

Keep in mind that you control your world and destiny 100% so believing what was told to you is helping to create that reality as a future. This goes for family and friends as well doubting your goals.

I have been in the same exact situation. Ex fiancé who is a horrible person (currently incarcerated) had custody after I took charges to avoid her going to jail. She alienated me and turned everyone against me. 5 years later my kids are with me they slowly started to see how unreasonable irrational their mother was acting and also all the things she tried to instill in them.

If you were to follow around my kids for a week you would laugh. They all are conscious of ego and the fact that happiness is a choice. Even my son calls me out when I get flustered or impatient and asks me what time it is. Expecting the answer of “now”. They stray away from meat and drink only water. They are aware of SLS and dyes and the list goes on. They mediatate and do yoga. My daughter Jada wants a specific tarot deck for Christmas this year.

Keep in mind 5 years ago she had my house and a 60tho a year job and I had just got released from serving time for a felony that I didn’t commit. So I completely understand that situation of the lawyer fees and constantly worried about how much they will learn from her and absorb while growing up. I raised them day to day from brith and handled all meals homework dropped them off at school and picked them up every day and went to seeing them 4 days out of the month. I get it.

The one thing that changed everything is to know and trust that everything will all work out with me and them. And sure enough over time everything in that situation all changed. I stopped focusing on how impossible it would be to get them back to knowing that what is supposed to happen will. And slowly everything started to change.

Decide how you want everything to be and take every step toward that goal that you can. And let go of what you can’t do and can’t control. And in time you’ll see the change you currently don’t think is possible. If you need to shut down on some people and keep them in the dark about what you’re doing then so be it. It’s not you being rude it’s cutting out the opportunity of anyone doubting you succeeding.

Originally Posted by MissCreativeSpirit

I attract emotionally unavailable guys too. I will do almost anything to change that.

This stood out to me as well.

For me personally I noticed I attracted and was attracted to similarities of myself. So if I was insecure and emotionally unavailable, that is what I attracted into my life.

It wasn’t until I loved everything about me including all of the stuff I once viewed as flaws that I attracted people in my life that viewed me the same way.

This goes in line with a conversation I was having with my daughter and a close friends child.

She insisted she was crazy and she didn’t fit in. And I told both of them that what she was describing was what I consider to be normal. That being herself in a world of people trying to be like everyone else is normal. It only seems crazy because it’s not what all the crazy people are doing and saying is normal.
They of course argued it but by the end of it. After calling out all everything from watching the news and following Facebook that they truly saw that everyone is just doing what they see and trying to be what they think is acceptable. The biggest blow to them is that I asked them who is everyone trying to be like. And neither of them had an answer. The point that they both called out was that everyone was relying on others for their inner happiness. Hence the reason they can always be let down. That when they are happy for no reason then no one can take it away but themselves.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

everyone was relying on others for their inner happiness
Hence the reason they can always be let down
when they are happy for no reason
then no one can take it away but themselves

This is life advice of the highest order. We essentially live life in two stages: the unconscious first stage of life that we live, BEFORE we're able to understand what you just wrote; and the second stage of life that we consciously live, AFTER the lightbulb goes on and we get what you're saying here.