Conflicted

[i, monster]

I tend to rush into things, and not to my benefit.

As a witch-in-progress (I'm doing my year-and-a-day with The Inner Temple of Witchcraft by Christopher Penczak), I'd been drawn to the Greek Pantheon as a source of inspiration. Especially Hades.

While I was considering becoming a devotee of Hades, I saw many times an iteration of a Joseph Campbell quotation "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek," followed by "Pluto" on tumblr. While I had Campbell logged in my search as something I'd like to see pop up on my timeline, Hades/Pluto was not. It was an eerie coincidence.

I honestly was never a full devotee, but I had asked for Hades & Persephone's guidance on my journey to being a witch, as they represented Death/Life and Dark/Light to me and seemed appropriate in place of The God & Goddess. I promised that if it were to work out for my highest good, I would be a full devotee by the time I initiated myself as a witch.

Time has passed since then and their have been some complications, and in fact, I have been asked to take a break from "devoting" myself to Hades a few days ago. Yesterday I was depressed and wanted him back, like a loved one who's been lost... today I was angry earlier that he would leave so suddenly... but there's always a catch--see, I had been wavering on becoming a devotee (as opposed to just a pantheist... not even a polytheist really) while going through the motions of paying my respects. Yesterday, I took apart my altar and placed the items in different areas of my room, but I've heard from him since then that he wants me back. I said I'd consider it. And then when I got home, I saw "Pluto" again in random places.

I'll admit, I haven't gone about this in the best manner. I've rushed into things a lot. I've over-devoted myself before I was sure. I haven't done enough research. My tarot keeps telling me to be patient, but that is not something I excel at. I've been attempting to do mindfulness meditations to get my mind off the topic, but even that needs some work.

I know I'm not going to get a straightforward answer, but I guess what I'm looking for is some advice to help me approach this in a more guided, patient and peaceful manner. I need some help passing the time, so I can think about it little by little instead of tearing my intention scroll apart and starting all over again (which I have NOT done, it's just been on my mind).

I still have love for Hades. He represents a lot of strength for me. I just have problems with commitment at the same time that I over-commit myself. It doesn't help my counselor cancelled on me today. :(

[Jenny Crow]

You said you've been asked to take a break from devoting yourself to Hades a few days ago. Can you say how this happened or who asked you.

It IS very early to be dedicating yourself to one particular deity - maybe this has happened to give you a break to catch your breath. You have just started out on your journey and, believe me, things can change as you go along.

Have patience (yeah, I know that's easy to say) and try to meditate - something may come to you in your meditation time, or even someone, and answers can be given to you and the confusion cleared up.

Don't let this deter you from your year and a day, though

[i, monster]

In the flurry of emotions that went along with it, I can't say exactly how it happened when I got the message to take a break, but I know I reacted strongly.

I'll be completely honest. Sometimes I question whether it is just my tendency to hear voices or if it's those I'm attempting to contact. I do have a history of hearing voices, but they have become noticeably more positive lately. Way back, when I was still very sick, my voices were telling me awful things. Even though they could just be better because I'm in a better state of mind, I've began trusting the ones that seem to have my best interest in mind.

I think you're right, though, because I jumped pretty quickly into believing I was being contacted rather than mundane voices. Even then, I was conflicted because I was worried it would affect my mental health by believing my deity was contacting me. I've kept my mental health team updated, and there seems to be no problem with it unless my functioning is being affected, but my anxiety makes me a worrier as well.

For now, I am going to take a break from devoting myself to anyone, although I still have the problem of having written down Hades' & Persephone's names in my intention scroll and was wondering if that binds me to them at all or if I can go about it in a more casual way.

I'm definitely continuing my year-and-a-day, I'm just worried I've affected my future by writing down their names in place of "The Universe" or "The God & Goddess." I don't want to offend anyone. LOL.

[Jenny Crow]

No, I don't think that you would have offended anyone.No-one will mind when you go about things in a more casual way. I think you'll be just fine