“Clingy and needy?”: Perspective wanted

[PaperPrincess]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

I had a realization today about part of why Joe's behavior set off red flags for me:

My parents have never had a good relationship. One of the reasons is because my mom is a very independent person, and my dad can't stand to do anything or go anywhere alone. And I mean that very literally. Even if he's just going to the grocery store down the street or to the ATM, he will want someone to go with him, usually my mom. But if she didn't really want to, he'd ask me and/or my sister to come along (back when we were both living in my parents' house).

If no one wanted to come with him (even though it was just a mundane errand that would take less than 10 minutes, and he could easily do it himself), he would pout, sulk, and make sure we knew how disappointed he was in us for not wanting to come along, even if we were busy doing something else. It just seemed to be his expectation that we'd drop whatever we were doing and do whatever he wanted us to, which has always come across to me as very demanding and controlling.

If this behavior had been limited to going places outside the home, I might have been less bothered by it. But if both my dad and my mom are home, he's always seemed to expect her to be nearby, even if he's not actually talking to her or paying attention to her. For example, he'll be sitting watching TV, and if she goes in another room to do something else, after a while he'll be like, "What are you doing in there?" and will seem to take it personally that she's not in the same room with him. So she will sigh and bring her computer or whatever else she's working on back into the TV room in order to placate him (even if it is more convenient to work on it in the other room).

So my mom essentially has no personal space, and no real "me time," and it clearly bothers her. My dad doesn't seem to "get" that she needs this, and demands that she always be with him, even if he's just staring at the TV. He demands nearly all of her time and space, and this has always seemed very unhealthy and dysfunctional to me.

So I am terrified of ending up in a similar kind of relationship to that, especially since I require a good amount of "me time" and personal space to do my own thing.
And if someone won't stop texting me after I've said I'm busy and in a meeting, and seems to have an expectation that my whole weekend is free to spend with them (when we've only just met), I worry that it could end up becoming like my parents' dysfunctional relationship (if I let it go on long-term).

So I just thought I'd share in case this realization could be helpful to anyone else, and to organize my own thoughts about it.

Wishing love and light to all.

But that's the way it is in some relationships - and I have to say it, if only people gave themselves time to get to know each other more before they tie the knot these disparities would occur less. Some people are gregarious, others prefer their own company. This may not be apparent during the romance stage. The act of getting married changes things, sometimes abruptly. Whereas before, people are still courting (and still putting up the pretences) they can so easily fall into taking each other for granted after marrying. (There's nothing wrong to me in being able to rely on a spouse - if each doesn't bring something to the other's life then the relationship has no point anyway - but when people turn reliance into an assumed expectation, a right almost, distances start to emerge.)

One effect is that the spouse/partner no longer feels appreciated. The care and small details that go into something are no longer noticed because they're expected.

In terms of what you say here then, you'd be looking for someone who has a few hobbies, a few outside interests that don't interest you. There must be "things in common" between people in a relationship but "things not in common" are as important in their way, so people can have their space and time - and hopefully set up a dialogue about their own things so they can acknowledge each others' needs.

Your dad isn't wrong or bad. He's as he is. Your mum the same. As grown-ups they have to find a compromise or the thing will be plainly superficial. If your mum, for instance, insists on going on holidays alone then it isn't much of a relationship for your dad. If I know men (which I don't an awful lot but still...I've met a few like this: ) they'll take so much and then give up; it'll be like lodgers living under the same roof. Your dad should find outside interests - take up a group hobby - adult education or something, there are plenty of interest classes A to Z.

I come from a birth home that was, when I care to look back, appalling. I was pulled out very early in my teenage and taken in by new parents who were the very different. No need to go into the story except to say that I fitted in with them easily.

What I learned from this is that regardless of my birth parents, I was and am my own person. I didn't have to keep the baggage they foisted on me. I have absolutely no intention of following in their footsteps...because I can't...because my own person started to awaken and I have nothing spiritually in common with them.

[PaperPrincess]

Kudos to the poster(s) who pointed out that the guy in my original post behaved in troubling ways. I got confirmation of it today.

He texted me this morning asking if he could see me today. I had a bunch of errands to take care of before meeting up with my family in a while, so I told him I wasn't available and to have a good weekend.

He texted back offering to PAY me to spend time with him today. As I am not employed by an escort agency, I found this inappropriate and disturbing. I repeated that I was not available today, but he kept sending texts asking to see me. I finally texted back the following:

"I find it inappropriate and troubling that you would offer to pay me to spend time with you."

His reply: "I just like you. Have a nice life :("

So I suppose this confirms my decision not to meet any more guys from dating sites. Being treated like an escort today has left me feeling "icky" and upset. Ugh.

[starling]

Originally Posted by PaperPrincess

Kudos to the poster(s) who pointed out that the guy in my original post behaved in troubling ways. I got confirmation of it today.

He texted me this morning asking if he could see me today. I had a bunch of errands to take care of before meeting up with my family in a while, so I told him I wasn't available and to have a good weekend.

He texted back offering to PAY me to spend time with him today. As I am not employed by an escort agency, I found this inappropriate and disturbing. I repeated that I was not available today, but he kept sending texts asking to see me. I finally texted back the following:

"I find it inappropriate and troubling that you would offer to pay me to spend time with you."

His reply: "I just like you. Have a nice life :("

So I suppose this confirms my decision not to meet any more guys from dating sites. Being treated like an escort today has left me feeling "icky" and upset. Ugh.

All entirely correct and sensible moves and decisions I think.

This guy was defo heading in the wrong direction.

I should just carry on with your hobbies and interests as a vehicle for meeting like minded people. Like myself you'll be meeting people all the time, making friends as you go along .

[starling]

edit: I wouldn't worry about the "escort" context; the agency idea was perhaps a mistake for you, but not a serious one.

[CrystalSong]

The very fact that you are very aware of this dynamic that happened with your parents makes you Less susceptible to it. :)

Surprising that a story like this was brought to a spiritual website. There's nothing spiritual about it - a personality mismatch. There's a range of choices and it's hardly appropriate to seek advice from a bunch of faceless posters though most of us do our best.

Fact is, if you don't like dating sites, try dating in real life, face to face. Court for a bit. If you don't like the respondent's behaviour and cannot compromise, end it.

That's being practical. You can't continue a relationship with someone you don't like.



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[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by PaperPrincess

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

I had a realization today about part of why Joe's behavior set off red flags for me:

(edited for length)

So I just thought I'd share in case this realization could be helpful to anyone else, and to organize my own thoughts about it.

Wishing love and light to all.

It's good that you had this realization...

[starling]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Surprising that a story like this was brought to a spiritual website.

There seems to be more than a few here!!

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

There's nothing spiritual about it

That doesn't matter, the lady was asking for a 2nd opinion from people who are probably of a like mind.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

- a personality mismatch. There's a range of choices and it's hardly appropriate to seek advice from a bunch of faceless posters though most of us do our best.

Fact is, if you don't like dating sites, try dating in real life, face to face. Court for a bit. If you don't like the respondent's behaviour and cannot compromise, end it.

That's being practical. You can't continue a relationship with someone you don't like.



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[PaperPrincess]

^Yes. As I am trying to walk a spiritual path, I wanted some advice from like-minded people on how to handle the situation in a compassionate way, and I thought this particular section of the message boards was to discuss any type of relationship.