Completely alone in life, not coping well

[Louisa]

Hi Lukas,
I do think maybe I can see things in a more positive light. That's something I've been doing lately. It is not always easy to see, but I think I am starting to. I do have a lot of anger, it's true. I am working on forgiving it all. It's something I always must remember and keep renewing. But I agree that is a big thing that I can do to cope better. Thank you. Maybe my illnesses will ease as I learn to see things in a better way.

(((Louisa)))

I hope you can find a good resolution and peace. I'll send some prayers.

[Louisa]

Hi Starbuck,
I think maybe this divorce will be a release in the end. I am looking forward to it, but I might have a few steps to get to that point. Even if it takes years, it will be better than to stay in a bad situation, for my daughter's sake especially.

Maybe I will see a doctor, sooner or later at least. I have been concerned that this situation might make my condition worse, which was one of the reasons that I hadn't tried to get a divorce just yet.

I might could live somewhere else, but I think I should live with my parents, at first, because my husband is trying to say he doesn't think I can be a good parent on my own and I'm scared he will try to complicate the divorce and get custody if I don't live with my parents. I guess I can try to set boundaries with my parents. It may be difficult, but maybe I can find a way and learn to get along well enough. Maybe it will even make me stronger in the end of this whole debacle.

I agree that having the right perspective can make a night or day difference in how things seem. I am feeling so much more confident lately and I can't even logically explain why, except for a few little insights I've had - insights that might seem insignificant later. So I'm hoping I can keep my positive feelings and confidence. I will try to focus on the positive and what I can do and maybe I think I can remain calm and confident.

I might be able to find assisted housing and assistance with other financial things. And my family might help with childcare. There is a lot of good that can come out of this in the end of it - no matter how many years it takes, I feel. This whole situation with my husband and unexpectedly becoming a mother and even with my emotionally abusive parents has already helped me to grow a lot. So I think I can find a way to see the benefits and growing lessons in it all.

[Louisa]

onetruebeliever,

I may try getting on medication. But, I might have cyclothmia, which is not as severe. I guess I should try to get diagnosed sometime. I really agree that medications are necessary and really help some people. Thank you for your support and understanding - yes, mental illness is not something that is just easy to heal, or quick to resolve. Some people must have medication. I might be one of them, I don't know. For now, I will postpone it till I have more money and my life is more stable, but maybe if I need to, I might try it one day.

[Louisa]

RainbowAngel,
I agree, maybe this will bring me a better future. In fact, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I might have just been depressed and consumed in my own problems. My daughter makes me happy. I didn't think I wanted children. I was very depressed, but I was going to divorce my husband, before I got pregnant. I probably would've been so miserable and lonely, but now I have hope and feel meaning and purpose. I think there is still a lot of growing and learning I must do in this process. But I think I'm getting there. I may try meds and counselling eventually, I will see. I do think that i just need to believe in myself.

I do think one day I will try to make friends again. But for now, I have acquaintances and people online I talk to. For now I have too much pain in my history to even try to make friends - only distant and casual acquaintances for me. But one day I hope I can be strong and independent enough to make friends. Thank you for your kind words.

[Louisa]

Thank you so much, missrachel. It means a lot to me. I think I will find my way, however long it takes.

[Louisa]

Hi Vesica,

I have actually been tested for the thyroid conditions, when I was diagnosed for depression, I think. They tested me for a lot of things before diagnosing depression. But I may get tested again just to make sure. Thanks. I may try meds, I guess, if and when my life is more stable and I have more money/insurance. I was treated with antidepressants when I was younger - I didn't know that they were not supposed to be used on people with bipolar. Thanks for letting me know about that. Maybe that's why I was worse when I was on the meds.

Thank you for the information about exercise and diet - I definitely will try to take your advice concerning those things, as much as I can. I really believe in the ability of those things to help. And getting better sleep - yes that's definitely something I need to address too. I know it can make a big difference in my mood.

I will try to make a list of coping behaviors that can help me and use them regularly.

I agree simple solutions are often the best - that's something I forget sometimes. Thanks for the reminder.

Err, well my husband's home now. I will respond to the rest of your post later.

[Louisa]

Oh, I forgot to mention too, regarding getting treatment for the other illnesses (besides bipolar) that I think I have - lol, let's see if I can remember them all:
dyscalculia, post traumatic stress disorder (those two I forgot on the list yesterday), multiple chemical and electrical sensitivities, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, adhd, ocd, autism spectrum disorder - I don't think I have them badly enough that they would warrant psychiatric meds (for the psychiatric conditions that I listed). Some might respond to counseling, but I don't know. With some of these, I am actually more inclined to take alternative health and self help type approaches rather than traditional ones, because I think they can be more pleasant and easy to handle with less side effects. The fibromyalgia, & multiple chemical and electrical sensitivities are not recognized by all doctors and I have had good luck by figuring out a diet, exercise and what housing conditions and such trigger them - and avoiding. I'd rather do that than have to take more meds. Besides the whole insurance and money issue. In some cases, I may not have these conditions, but I have enough of the symptoms that it seems I would likely be diagnosed as such, just based on layman's reading, anyway. Also, some self-help type treatments and approaches that can help for these illnesses have helped me. I have learned Dr's are not gods and sometimes experts don't know as much as we think. They have a place, but so does self-directed research for those with lots of time and the inclination (and I've had lots of time in the past - when I did this information gathering.)

Plus, I use these labels for myself because I really do believe (and I don't need anyone else to believe, but...) that I have abnormal conditions psychologically and physically. I am trying to find ways to approach it, but it is challenging and I am facing real challenges that cannot just be wished away, so far - I've prayed, and am gradually trying alternative spiritual approaches as I get time, energy, focus and faith. But I've got real life practicalities to face and not a lot of time to devote to the spiritual healing types of things. Honestly, it is very discouraging to me to try these things and then have no results and feel like it was a waste of time - which I have had happen. So I am more interested in doing things that seem scientific and evidence based, with my limited time and energy. If there was a quick fix, spiritually, I'd take it, but I don't have much time for dabbling and getting my hopes worked up. For me, faith is gradually built up, based on experience. I don't like blind leaps of faith because they encourage my rational mind to dive off the deep end, and I'm not the most rational person to begin with. If I start to believe one irrational thing, more and more might follow till I'm a fanatical delusional person. And yes, this has happened to me, and I'm paranoid about it. lol Maybe it's my fundamentalist upbringing or something, but I'm a little prone to fanatical delusions and I have a phobia of this.

[Louisa]

Yes, I think that my husband makes my life more stressful, in some ways, but really we go for long periods of time without arguing, since I had the baby. He still is unpleasant to me and manipulative - but then again, so are people at most workplaces- it's life. And then as well, he give me a lot of practical support - housework, childcare, a decent financial situation and healthy living conditions, transportation, the ability to walk at the park, the ability to be a stay at home mom, which means a lot to me. So anyway, it's not all as bad as it might seem, sometimes, but it depends on his behavior at the moment. Just recently he started creating a new issue (one he had lived with just fine but all the sudden finds unbearable and wants to divorce me over. It is not an area I think he has the right to control - and thus, the divorce pending now). Maybe I would be happier without him, but I just as well think I might be less happy. That is why I haven't left yet. In the long run, I want to leave, but I want to make sure I'm going to be able to be healthy and well. I was going to wait, because we were getting along, but now I guess I will just let him end it like this.

[Louisa]

I do want to take care of myself to be the best mother for my daughter.. I am just not always certain what taking the best care of myself means. Living with a manipulative, crazy-making person like my husband makes it confusing, for sure. Living in a world that is not very kind or easy for people with my psychological and health issues or for single moms with no job skills and no driving skills and no social support nor ability to make friends... The load can be almost unbearable, I think most people would agree if they could be in my shoes. But I will try to be as strong as I feel I can. That's not to say I know I will succeed. I think I can. But I don't know. If I don't then I will just find a way to give someone else custody of my daughter, by proving myself to be an unsuitable parent. But that's desperate, because I think my husband will be an emotionally abusive, controlling parent, and it would be awful if he raised her.

Yes, my parents treat my daughter well, so they might could help.

I have never lived alone in my entire life. I have always felt highly dependent on other people, in various ways. I feel my bipolar and other psychological problems are like debilitating illnesses and I almost need a caretaker, but I am going to try to learn to care for myself. I think if I can't do it, then, as I mentioned above, at that point, I can give someone else custody. I do think I might could be very happy living alone in some ways, I guess I would really have to try it to see for sure, though. Thinking on the bright side and remembering the positives and ways to cope is a good way to prepare, though. I'll try to do that. And I do hope I can make some good acquaintances that give me company ( I could call them friends but to me a friend is someone who is by your side loyally for years and knows you deeply - that's just me. Acquaintances can come and go and be in your life for a day or a year or more, but they are not people you can depend on to be there in a committed and loyal, close way - but they can serve the place of friends). Especially if I moved away from the bible belt, I think I'd have better chances to find more like-minded people.