What should I have done?

[markings]

My wife had a number of back operations. She has to be careful with certain activities like lifting things.
I also have a good friend of the opposite sex who stayed with us for 2 months to teach us, me and my students, some better dancing skills. She is 18 years younger than my wife, 15 years younger than I, full of vigor and fun.
At some point my wife asks why I spend so much time with her and one of the answers I gave was "I can do things with her which I can't do with you".
My wife felt hurt about what I said and over a year later still bears a grudge about what I said.

What are your thoughts?

[OEN34]

The title of the thread is a question that ought not to be pondered over as the original situation is done and dusted now, so let go of what you should have done as it's impossible to change :)

I feel for you and your wife here as it's one of those horrid situations that had no intention of happening. Your comment was said with no motive or intention to hurt your wife behind it (I'm assuming?), but it's one of those comments given the situation, is a bit sloppy, really. Unfortunately, your wife is probably quite vulnerable with her back issues and having had surgery; she's a shadow of her former self in some ways, and ways relating to this other lady, so her sense of self-worth has probably slipped a little. Coupled with that, if this other lady is attractive and younger, then there's another bit of ammunition for your wife to attack with.

That all said, your wife's reaction is based on you triggering a wound of hers somewhere, so despite what she may say, it's not your actual comment that hurt her, it's an old wound that has been triggered and unresolved that's the culprit. IMO, there's not really a great lot you can do to mend the situation really other than admit your choice in words was sloppy and you understand how she might be feeling vulnerable and sensitive about it and the other lady, but you didn't mean it that way and you surround her in your love.

Other than that, if it's a real bug bear and your wife is serious about sorting it, then she needs to dig below the surface and see what this wound relates to as it won't be the first and last thing to trigger her, I bet.

[Torgo]

What's done is done, but that doesn't mean all is lost.

Dancing with another is a very intimate activity. In so few words, you told your wife that you are able to be more intimate with another woman than you are with her. I feel for her. It probably pains her that she can't have that type of connection with you as your wife.

However, if your wife truly loves you and knows that dancing is an important part of your life, she should examine her possible feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and try to make peace with the situation. Sitting down with you to discuss her insecurities about the situation might help her to make it less about her feeling left out, and thus make it more about her celebrating the happiness that you are experiencing.

Also, assuming that you still do love your wife and want to continue to be with her, maybe you could talk to her about all of the things that only you two do together that cause you to have an intimate bond as husband and wife? I would imagine this would reassure her more about your relationship and possibly help your bond to become stronger.

Agree what's done is done but frankly? At your age you've shown remarkable insensitivity. You could have been a lot more diplomatic. Didn't you think your remark would hurt?

Well, you don't say how long you've been married but if a long time I fear you've broken something. You'll have to live with it until she heels of it - could happen - or death do you part.

No sympathy. You know where your duties lie.

...

[Torgo]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Agree what's done is done but frankly? At your age you've shown remarkable insensitivity. You could have been a lot more diplomatic. Didn't you think your remark would hurt?

Well, you don't say how long you've been married but if a long time I fear you've broken something. You'll have to live with it until she heels of it - could happen - or death do you part.

No sympathy. You know where your duties lie.

...

I try to imagine how I'd feel in the situation as the wife. I would want the truth, even if it (temporarily) hurt. I'd take the truth from my partner over a patronizing lie to protect my ego or his guilt any day. Also, I would bet money that she asked the question because she already knew the answer. She wasn't so much looking for the truth to be said out loud by him, but rather she was looking for the follow-up conversation regarding their relationship (that appears to have not taken place?...).

But could it have been phrased better? Sure. i.e., "I miss dancing with you and dancing in general. I miss feeling young and alive and dancing helps me to feel that way. It doesn't mean I love you any less or am less attracted to you. I am still fully committed in my relationship to you. But doing this gives me happiness. And in order for us to share happiness together, we must do what sometimes makes us happy on an individual basis." Etc. You get the idea. Again, this is assuming a lot about their relationship already though, such as if they are still in love with one another and honestly want to be together.

Well, if you don't know the difference between "a patronising lie" and diplomacy I can't really comment. She may have asked the question simply to get confirmation. That's simply communication. She had observed, she wanted his comment.

Anyway, look, the event should never have taken the course it did. markings is no spring chicken; his wife has had difficult surgery; he has a duty.

I try to imagine how I'd feel in that situation as the wife. He could simply have said "Aw, it's just that I have to keep my hand in with the hobby. Perhaps you can join in again soon. Meanwhile, call on me if you need anything. I'm otherwise here." .........I also wonder if the tables were reversed - he was recovering from dorsal surgery and she was (what he might observe as) flirting around.

I agree, we're making many assumptions about the relationship. I've wondered why he raised the subject at all here. No one here can truly comment on the little information we have - except to say what's what in our separate terms.

...

[Torgo]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Well, if you don't know the difference between "a patronising lie" and diplomacy I can't really comment.

Well, I was imagining him saying something along the lines of, "Oh, no, honey-- that woman? Pffft. She's not fun at all. Don't worry. I'n not having that much fun with her. She's lonely. I'm only spending so much time with her to make her feel good. I don't like dancing much anymore anyway." Etc. That's what I meant by patronizing, because telling someone the opposite of what they really feel in a situation like this can cause more problems than not. And depending upon the relationship, it could even be taken to the extreme point of abuse/gaslighting if not careful.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

She may have asked the question simply to get confirmation. That's simply communication. She had observed, she wanted his comment.

Yes, but you left out one important part, which is why he posted the query to begin with: it's been a year and she's still holding a grudge about it. So she didn't want just confirmation. She wanted-- and still wants-- a deeper conversation regarding the status of their relationship. She wants reassurance because she fears something else may be going on.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Anyway, look, the event should never have taken the course it did. markings is no spring chicken; his wife has had difficult surgery; he has a duty.

What do you define as his "duty" to her?

Anyway, I look at it this way: if my partner was deaf and felt bad that he couldn't listen to music, does that mean I should give up listening to music, too, in support of him? I imagine it would eventually end up causing resentment. So I think as long as there is mutual respect and, thus, honesty in the relationship, then people usually end up accepting things the way they are and find happiness for others, even if they aren't feeling too happy about their own situation.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I try to imagine how I'd feel in that situation as the wife. He could simply have said "Aw, it's just that I have to keep my hand in with the hobby. Perhaps you can join in again soon. Meanwhile, call on me if you need anything. I'm otherwise here." .........

That's kind. I like the sound of that.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I also wonder if the tables were reversed - he was recovering from dorsal surgery and she was (what he might observe as) flirting around.

I tried to be careful not to turn this into a case of "flirting around." Markings didn't state that he was having romantic feelings for this other woman. Even though dancing is an intimate activity and he admitted to enjoying her youth and vitality, that's still not confessing to some sort of adultery. So there's a fine line here between him enjoying his hobby and him enjoying just the woman. And if there's some mutual innocent, gentle flirting going on, I don't see the harm in that. Let the guy have some fun. As you said yourself, he's no spring chicken! If someone's flirting with me when I get to be his age-- married or not-- I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest and flirt right back. Heck, I'll do it now. At the rate I'm going I don't know what I'm going to end up looking/feeling like tomorrow-- best to enjoy things now!

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I agree, we're making many assumptions about the relationship. I've wondered why he raised the subject at all here. No one here can truly comment on the little information we have - except to say what's what in our separate terms.

...

I guess we will only know if Markings comes back to the thread and says something. Even then, we still may not know the entire story.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Agree what's done is done but frankly? At your age you've shown remarkable insensitivity. You could have been a lot more diplomatic. Didn't you think your remark would hurt?

Well, you don't say how long you've been married but if a long time I fear you've broken something. You'll have to live with it until she heels of it - could happen - or death do you part.

No sympathy. You know where your duties lie.

...

I'm not sure it matters what age we are, we're all capable of saying off-the-cuff, insensitive comments from time-to-time - I'm sure you have, we're human, it happens.

The crooks of the problem here - despite most fingers pointing towards the OP - is a wound his wife carries that needs healing. Most live in denial they have wounds, they don't even know what you're talking about when you bring it up, so they've little chance of healing something they are unconscious of. That's the issue.

[markings]

While she had surgery and follow-up infections I went to the hospital to visit every day for nearly 3 months. She is not the easiest person to be with, whatever I brought to lighten up her stay she wanted something else.
Together with one of her remarks that I am obsessed with line dancing, there is not physical contact between dancers, and the time the visits took out of my life, it came with a heavy price. and even now I am struggling to get my level of motivation for dancing, even close to what it once was.

As we get older and develop problems we have to accept that. I never held her back and always supported her in what she was doing, be that a business, travel or other things, even when I could not join her. Now I expect the same in return.

I am not prepared to limit my own activities to barely what she can do. I have a vision, I also have a dream. And men have feelings too.

[Torgo]

Originally Posted by markings

While she had surgery and follow-up infections I went to the hospital to visit every day for nearly 3 months. She is not the easiest person to be with, whatever I brought to lighten up her stay she wanted something else.
Together with one of her remarks that I am obsessed with line dancing, there is not physical contact between dancers, and the time the visits took out of my life, it came with a heavy price. and even now I am struggling to get my level of motivation for dancing, even close to what it once was.

As we get older and develop problems we have to accept that. I never held her back and always supported her in what she was doing, be that a business, travel or other things, even when I could not join her. Now I expect the same in return.

I am not prepared to limit my own activities to barely what she can do. I have a vision, I also have a dream. And men have feelings too.

Thanks for posting back here to clear up some of the questions. You sound like a really good guy/husband. Keep enjoying yourself so you can continue to be a good husband to your wife. If your wife continues to have an issue, then remember what has been mentioned here, especially the point that OEN34 brought up.

Keep on dancing, my friend!