I feel so full of hate

[shivatar]

I want to know why I'm so full of hate and how I can let it go.

When I ask what I hear is "there doesn't have to be a reason, it's the way things are".

When I hate others it's not intentional, I don't feel good about it, I don't like doing it. it just happens. I feel like the devil, like the opposite of Buddha or Jesus, like my only purpose is to kill the world in any way I can. If I bring about the apocalypse, great, if all I can do is bring myself pain and give God empathic pain, great.

It's so bad I wish for death all the time. In the past month I've probably wished for death at least 5 times.

Even with all the positive effort I put forth it doesn't change anything. I still wake up with depression and anxiety every day, by the end of the day that energy has become one of agitation and hatred.

My body is ravaged by all the trauma and pain I've experienced so far in life. I have mood disorders galore. Stress disorders galore. My brain probably looks like Charles Mansons brain.

The fact that nobody knows my inner pain once brought me great joy. Like I was doing something right. Even though I have all this pain, it never gets unleashed on the world.

These days even that small prize has left me. The pain I have is unleashed on the world everyday just by me being in the world. I want to leave the world but even doing that would cause my family great pain. Sometimes I dream up ways to die without giving them pain. Tell them I went on a hiking trip and feed myself to a bear, etc. Then I never go through with it and feel like a weak coward.

My spiritual self doesn't even rise up anymore when I get these death thoughts. It knows I'm not going to do anything so it doesn't stop me with spiritual visions. it just leaves me in my hell to suffer more. I feel abandonded by God. I've cursed God twice this month, and I've never done that before.

Aiesh, I'm complaining a lot and I know it, but I'm not ready to give up just yet.

It feels like what I want to do is go forward with the hate and live it out. Cultivating love and compassion has backfired on me. When I do that intentionally it always feels great, but when I stop the intention and my natural intention is to hate, i feel even worse.

I can see how any human can love when they try, but what does it mean when a persons natural effort is hatred. What good is it when love only comes with effort? effort will eventually be extinguished and my energy exhausted.

[shivatar]

I also feel like my energy body has been mortally wounded. Like I'm a ghost or some kind of half-being in between life and death.

My inner energy is always feeling depleted. My desire is almost dead. Everything I do is out of either apathy or sheer will power. Most of my desires that I do have are of a negative nature. Avoid the pain with drugs, or hurt other people. I don't desire health, even though I do desire a more pleasurable existence.

[Michelle11]

I am not sure if anyone can tell you why you are full of hate but my impression on why you were told that there doesn't have to be a reason is because you are adding to your struggle by blaming yourself for the hate and the last thing your soul and guides want is for you to destroy yourself because of self hatred because you are having normal human emotions. They want you to heal from it and see your innocence in all things human.

Hate and anger are very similar and from my perspective hate is the result of unresolved anger. Anger is a natural emotion. Its purpose is to show us that a boundary has been crossed. But if we were not taught to have a healthy relationship to anger. If we weren't allowed the freedom to express our anger and the things that bother us and worse still are taught to deny and suppress it the anger can build up into resentment and it will eventually need an outlet. I suspect you are at a point where you can't keep your anger in any longer but were also taught that anger is bad and having anger makes you a bad person. It isn't true so maybe just try and find yourself some safe space to release a bit of it. I totally get the need to control it while around others or it can lead to more problems for us so restraint with not hurting others is important but maybe see if you can get yourself some private time alone to work out your anger on a pillow. Then try to have a conversation with yourself about where it may have come from. I like to have a journal to write it out but do what feels comfortable to you. Be as open and honest with yourself as you can. Pretending things are OK when they are not will only compound the frustration and add to the angst you feel. If you can't have compassion for yourself right now at least just try to agree to not destroy yourself. And have as many conversations as you need to start the dialogue with your inner knowing going. It may take time but you can get to the bottom of things.

As I was working through my own anger and self hatred issues I learned that a lot of our issues generally come from early programming but because we were so young when we picked up the behavior and messages they become a part of the fabric of who we are and so it almost seems like we were born that way but really it just seems that way and what really happened is we weren't taught healthy coping skills. It may take a while to peel back all the layers of how you got to where you are but obviously you have a kind loving foundation or you would not want to destroy yourself for fear you are a danger to the world. Your heart is kind it is just that somewhere along the line you lost a bit of your value and are defining yourself through an unhealthy lens. But that can change. You are stronger than you may realize or you would not be facing this now so keep the questions coming. The answers will get to you with time. You can heal from this.

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by shivatar

I also feel like my energy body has been mortally wounded. Like I'm a ghost or some kind of half-being in between life and death.

My inner energy is always feeling depleted. My desire is almost dead. Everything I do is out of either apathy or sheer will power. Most of my desires that I do have are of a negative nature. Avoid the pain with drugs, or hurt other people. I don't desire health, even though I do desire a more pleasurable existence.

Apathy is the act of trying to not feel what is there. It is really just a sign of our attempting to suppress overwhelming emotions. It's a self preservation tactic. Though it goes without saying, if you have not seen a therapist you may want to consider one. You do sound like you are cycling between anxiety and depression and it is fairly common for that to happen. I'm not a doctor but it is possible if you are able to get on top of the anxiety that your other issues will resolve. something to think about.

[iamthat]

So you are full of hate, which is your lack of self-love projected outwards at the world around you. Waking up with depression and anxiety every day is horrible. I had that many years ago and I lived for three years in a black cloud, a permanent state of depression and anxiety.

For the first year I was totally confused about what was going on and why I felt as I did.

In the second year, I began to connect it all to early childhood feelings of rejection and abandonment. I discovered a lot of suppressed pain and grief and fear and guilt. These were all trying to come to the surface, and I was resisting them because they were all too difficult to cope with.

In the third year I just cried and cried, releasing all the old suppressed feelings. Old blockages shifted, I felt clearer and lighter, and there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally I began to feel normal again, but without all the **** I had been carrying around for so many years without even realising it. It was a process I had to go through, and although it was horrible I am grateful for it.

So perhaps you are going through a cleansing process, crossing the burning ground. There comes a point where resisting the process becomes more painful than facing whatever lies within. So just be with whatever feelings arise and be willing to shed all your unshed tears. Then one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And we also discover that love does not require effort. Love is our natural state, shining forth like the sun, even if it seems to be obscured by clouds.

Peace.

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Michelle11

I am not sure if anyone can tell you why you are full of hate but my impression on why you were told that there doesn't have to be a reason is because you are adding to your struggle by blaming yourself for the hate and the last thing your soul and guides want is for you to destroy yourself because of self hatred because you are having normal human emotions. They want you to heal from it and see your innocence in all things human.

Hate and anger are very similar and from my perspective hate is the result of unresolved anger. Anger is a natural emotion. Its purpose is to show us that a boundary has been crossed. But if we were not taught to have a healthy relationship to anger. If we weren't allowed the freedom to express our anger and the things that bother us and worse still are taught to deny and suppress it the anger can build up into resentment and it will eventually need an outlet. I suspect you are at a point where you can't keep your anger in any longer but were also taught that anger is bad and having anger makes you a bad person. It isn't true so maybe just try and find yourself some safe space to release a bit of it. I totally get the need to control it while around others or it can lead to more problems for us so restraint with not hurting others is important but maybe see if you can get yourself some private time alone to work out your anger on a pillow. Then try to have a conversation with yourself about where it may have come from. I like to have a journal to write it out but do what feels comfortable to you. Be as open and honest with yourself as you can. Pretending things are OK when they are not will only compound the frustration and add to the angst you feel. If you can't have compassion for yourself right now at least just try to agree to not destroy yourself. And have as many conversations as you need to start the dialogue with your inner knowing going. It may take time but you can get to the bottom of things.

As I was working through my own anger and self hatred issues I learned that a lot of our issues generally come from early programming but because we were so young when we picked up the behavior and messages they become a part of the fabric of who we are and so it almost seems like we were born that way but really it just seems that way and what really happened is we weren't taught healthy coping skills. It may take a while to peel back all the layers of how you got to where you are but obviously you have a kind loving foundation or you would not want to destroy yourself for fear you are a danger to the world. Your heart is kind it is just that somewhere along the line you lost a bit of your value and are defining yourself through an unhealthy lens. But that can change. You are stronger than you may realize or you would not be facing this now so keep the questions coming. The answers will get to you with time. You can heal from this.

thank you for your kind and supporting words of wisdom.

Any good books you would recommend as I start the path of healing?

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by iamthat

So you are full of hate, which is your lack of self-love projected outwards at the world around you. Waking up with depression and anxiety every day is horrible. I had that many years ago and I lived for three years in a black cloud, a permanent state of depression and anxiety.

For the first year I was totally confused about what was going on and why I felt as I did.

In the second year, I began to connect it all to early childhood feelings of rejection and abandonment. I discovered a lot of suppressed pain and grief and fear and guilt. These were all trying to come to the surface, and I was resisting them because they were all too difficult to cope with.

In the third year I just cried and cried, releasing all the old suppressed feelings. Old blockages shifted, I felt clearer and lighter, and there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally I began to feel normal again, but without all the **** I had been carrying around for so many years without even realising it. It was a process I had to go through, and although it was horrible I am grateful for it.

So perhaps you are going through a cleansing process, crossing the burning ground. There comes a point where resisting the process becomes more painful than facing whatever lies within. So just be with whatever feelings arise and be willing to shed all your unshed tears. Then one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And we also discover that love does not require effort. Love is our natural state, shining forth like the sun, even if it seems to be obscured by clouds.

Peace.

My trauma and pain began at age 5. I saw my brother die, my parents divorced, and I was beaten and molested, all in the same year.

Something I struggle with is I don't have any normal to go back to. There was no definitive black cloud, my entire life has been a black cloud. i know it sounds like I'm depressed, but the more awakened I become the more I see that even the good parts of my life only seemed good because I was able to live in delusion. Now I refuse delusion, so if my life is full of suffering it's just something I have to live with and try to live through. Which apparently I do with a lot of complaining and general moaning and groaning lol.

[Tobi]

shivatar, that was pretty brave of you to share your innermost feelings. Especially as you feel a lot of pain.

Explore the idea that this hate you feel is a valid thing that you did come here to experience and work with. It is not something to feel any guilt or shame or horror about. It could be that it is a facet of human experience which your Soul deeply needed to know.

Maybe you have a death-wish going on because the thing you needed to know is a really powerful energy, and you feel you cannot handle it....? And imagine that death would be an escape from it? Yes in a way, it would, but you would leave without getting to grips with these things.

It's actually okay to feel a form of hatred towards aspects of this world, and human nature at its basest; senseless acts of cruelty, injustice, heartlessness, profiteering, lack of love for each other and creatures....etc. The hatred is just a screaming "NO!" to all this, inside you. To "want to kill it"....kind of makes sense.

What you might really mean (?) is that you can't stand it all. That it's anathema to you. That it's all a threat to the Soul of Humankind.
....That your righteous anger has changed into depression? You feel powerless and so the anger against all that stuff has turned in and made you deeply sad instead....

You are trying to still it all with methods meant to suppress what you are feeling. That is probably why you meditate to lift it all....yet at the end of the day it all comes back full-force. The gentle methods are not helping. It's like playing sweet music on a head-set to drown out the sound of a child screaming.

Well....I do not have all the answers, but one thing sprang to mind.
A family member was abused badly as a child (aged about 7-8) He went through the most awful suffering (was abused by a female teacher) This was not sexual abuse but deliberate sadism and bullying.
His mother sorted all this out when she became aware of it (the teacher was disciplined/dismissed to cut a very long story short) But his mother saw what a quivering wreck that nice little kid had become.....still throwing up every morning before school....having nightmares....etc.
So what did she do? She didn't play him alpha-wave-inducing-meditative chill-out-and -love- the-world music, and coo over him. She bought him a punch-bag. She told him to hit it as often and as hard as he liked, and shout out anything he was feeling. Then she put it in the garage, where this little kid felt privacy, and could do what he liked with that punch bag and no one was going to judge him for letting his feelings out. Then when he had done for the day, he'd come out and eat ice cream and play with his cars.

So can you find your punch-bag? And a safe space? And then when you're done....when you are sweating, maybe even crying, and your voice has gone hoarse.....then come out and listen to some Love. Or create some. Even a little will do. To whomever or whatever crosses your path, and to your own decent nature underneath all your pain.

Take care, and kindest thoughts to you.

[LibraIndigo]

If you can try to remember any of your past lives it might help. I was lucky enough to be shown in so many different ways one of mine. I had a wonderful caring family one time. In that life I was also skinned, dismembered and my body pieces burned. I am OK with that because I know I got to experience a good life with friends family and love. Whoever my family was then, they are still out there somewhere. Think of this family and this life as your adoptive family, your real family is somewhere else...or maybe even on the other side. Just try to remember...there had to be at least one life that was good. Also, even if you think they are not here ...don't try to end it yourself. From my understanding that is something that is usually regretted.

Also double assess these feelings of anger and rage. Are they 100% yours? It could be from energy around you or maybe someone you are connected to energentically knowingly or unknowingly. Just a thought!

[Shivani Devi]

I can see that you are going through hell. You are very different now than what you were when you first joined the forum. You were a lot more confident, peaceful and sure of yourself back then....where did Shiva's Avatar go?

Maybe the stress of your work situation is getting to you, as I have been reading. You shouldn't let others get to you like this even though they obviously are...I think it's time you got out of that situation, personally. It's making you totally lose it...it's not worth it mate, not worth it at all.

I was beaten and molested as well...for about 10 years as a child, I was beaten and raped almost every day by my own father! Is it any wonder we are devotees of Shiva? any wonder?

Also, give up the drugs for a while, sweetie. I personally saw they were dragging me down and they had me believing I needed them to get over my 'bad stuff' but they created all the 'bad stuff' for me to get over in the first place.

It's like I am losing a dear friend to the 'dark side' and a feeling I thought I could never feel is growing within me...this is going to be hard for me and you have no idea how hard it is for me to say this to anybody else except for God...

I love you.