Help me to get over childish thinking

[DoublyVenomous]

By childish thinking I don't mean that open-minded childlike thinking, but just extremist, possibly retard-sounding and generally annoying, probably shameful and problematic thinking (and behavior resulting from it) I can't overcome on my own.

It's my personal obsessive interest in army work. I suspect spiritual community will probably silently judge and condemn me for wanting to do something related to the exact opposite of peace but hopefully some will also understand.
I acknowledge it's hard and dirty work which wouldn't suit for a sensitive person like myself, but it still is what I want to experience what it is for real. My family is very strict on being all-legal and all-non-aggressive (excluding warlike yelling about not following the norm), even to the point of neglecting human growth and basic things in the nature of all of us. So they're unwilling to give any support on this. I can't afford a hobby like airsoft either, not to mention army is more than just shooting the enemy, I want the whole real thing.
Most other people are more open-minded about this interest, but we can all agree that not being able to follow my passion due to health reasons is resulting in frustrations and self-destructive childish behavior. Even to the point where my interest to be of service to others (in this case it would be my country?) would become like "if I can't do this legally, I'll do this illegally... too bad criminal organizations don't accept women (*internally spits on self and devalues life*)".

I've progressed this with multiple mental health professionals and social workers but they can't really help me with it nor give helpful advice beyond "get over it and focus on something else". The problem is, I can't focus on anything else. The older I get, more obsessive I become. I've noticed I've started being toxic towards anyone who's been in army (even for that enforced time healthy men gotta do) while normally I'd look up to them. Same goes for anyone who plans to go. I'm also reacting equally toxic towards anyone who gets recognition for anything army-related. Yet I'm also toxic to those who support peace by refusing to join army, even while they are furthest from being a reminder of the unfulfilled passion.
And myself? I'm just like "if I can't do what those people are allowed to do, my life is worth nothing and I'll refuse to benefit anyone. I'll just quietly pout in my home, neglect my own life and refuse to take responsibility of anything until I rot and die. Serves me right for being weak." I used to relieve this by gaming and just withdrawing into multiple fantasy worlds, basicly it helped me to not bother others with this side of myself in daily life, but these methods have slowly stopped working.

I'm also worried about that I'll start avenging my former bullies violently as a "replacement" for getting to do what I want... I acknowledge this also is foolish and I'd probably end up into prison or asylum for doing that, but the temptation usually comes up with the frustration and I'm aware of it.
Generally I also see army as an opportunity to channel my violent urges for constructive and legally acceptable purposes and still getting paid for it. Martial arts would be an option but it doesn't pay unless you get competitive and I don't like having an audience.

So, could you give me advice on how to overcome my problem? I welcome all approaches from energy healing to practical advice/solutions. Anything to stop this damn frustrating loop.