Boundaries

[Rachella]

I'm in my thirties, but recently I have come to the painful realisation that I don't know how to set boundaries.
I am talking about friendship. Most of my relations in my life have developed according to a pattern: we meet, we get on well together for months or years, until the day I start to feel too overwhelmed by the other person. Their text messages, their requests, also I feel resentful because I sense they feel more important than me, they take me for granted, they assume I remember anything they've told me. Sometimes, the longer I hang out with somebody the more I feel they're being demanding.
It's like I wake up one day and I realise that it's all too much, that I am expected to give a lot while the other person is at their complete ease, giving whatever and whenever they want in return.
I have painfully realised that my need for approval and love has always tainted my friendships. I want to be clear about this, I don't want to blame the others, I think there is something in me that brings out a certain attitude in the others. When I get along with somebody, very quickly I open up to them and viceversa, I answer emails and text mesagges promptly, I go to visit if they're unwell, I hug them, I am always open to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Their availability towards me is never mutual, needless to say.
At this point in time, I start to question my "good heart" and see more my "want of being wanted" which is messing up everything.
How do you set boundaries? What are they? How can I set them in a healthy way, without breaking a friendship abruptly? Many times in my life I have had to run away in confusion, leaving the other person more confused than me. I don't want to do that anymore.
I often dream of choking up and I think I finally realised what it means.
Thank you for reading through all the blabbering, and thank you to those who will want to share pearls of wisdom.

[linen53]

First of all you are not blabbering. You are expressing a sincere need.

You have to start with yourself. You need to learn to love yourself, which you don't, it seems. Start by accepting yourself for who you are. Faults and strengths. Look at yourself in the mirror and say the words, I LOVE YOU! Repeat often.

Wrap your arms around your shoulders and hug yourself. It seems weird but it really worked for me.
Repeat often.

Connect with the inner child. You being the Protector, your Inner Child being the vulnerable one. Shield her and love her for all the hurt she has been through. Even if you were the one who hurt her by making bad decisions, accept it an move on. Love that little child inside you.

Leave the past in the past. You did the best you could back then with the information you had back then. Then is not now. Now you know more and would make better decisions. Remind yourself of that as often as you need to.

Sometimes a memory comes in my mind of something I did a very long time ago. Something I feel ashamed about. I just stand up to it and say, "Really? I'm not going there anymore. Stop it!" and the shameful memory goes away. In other words don't shame on yourself for past deeds or mistakes.

Treat yourself. Yes, you heard right. Do something just for you. No one else involved. A bubble bath. A shopping trip, an ice cream. Dinner out. That special something you've had your eye on. Save up for it and treat yourself. You might even wrap it up and pick a special day that you can open it.

Lastly don't "should" on yourself. Don't do what is expected of you. Do what you want. Learn to put yourself first.

This will all take time. But repeated practice will end up in success. I promise you. As women we are taught from diaper age to put others first and to be nurturers. We need to take back our own power. Our own strength.

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by linen53

First of all you are not blabbering. You are expressing a sincere need.

You have to start with yourself. You need to learn to love yourself, which you don't, it seems. Start by accepting yourself for who you are. Faults and strengths. Look at yourself in the mirror and say the words, I LOVE YOU! Repeat often.

Wrap your arms around your shoulders and hug yourself. It seems weird but it really worked for me.
Repeat often.

Connect with the inner child. You being the Protector, your Inner Child being the vulnerable one. Shield her and love her for all the hurt she has been through. Even if you were the one who hurt her by making bad decisions, accept it an move on. Love that little child inside you.

Leave the past in the past. You did the best you could back then with the information you had back then. Then is not now. Now you know more and would make better decisions. Remind yourself of that as often as you need to.

Sometimes a memory comes in my mind of something I did a very long time ago. Something I feel ashamed about. I just stand up to it and say, "Really? I'm not going there anymore. Stop it!" and the shameful memory goes away. In other words don't shame on yourself for past deeds or mistakes.

Treat yourself. Yes, you heard right. Do something just for you. No one else involved. A bubble bath. A shopping trip, an ice cream. Dinner out. That special something you've had your eye on. Save up for it and treat yourself. You might even wrap it up and pick a special day that you can open it.

Lastly don't "should" on yourself. Don't do what is expected of you. Do what you want. Learn to put yourself first.

This will all take time. But repeated practice will end up in success. I promise you. As women we are taught from diaper age to put others first and to be nurturers. We need to take back our own power. Our own strength.

Thank you for your kind words. I have been pampering myself for a while now. But, as you say, it takes time. The roots are so deep. I think that I started taking care of myself and then the next stage was realising about my inner child. I find that the biggest problem for me is understanding when I am overacting to people and situations vs people taking advantage/trying to manipulate me, following to clear (unconscious) signals from me that it's ok if they do that.
When it happens to other people and they ask me for advice, I can see things more or less clearly, but when it comes to myself it's like I am emotionally impaired.

[Rachella]

For example, this evening I feel overwhelmed by guilt. In the last couple of days, I fell out with two friends, not just one.

How things got out of control is very weird. They are both females, both older than me. We started to hang out the three of us, as we share the same hobby, but recently I started to hang out with only one or the other at the time. This happened for several reasons that had nothing to do with wanting to exclude one friend or the other. Slowly, I have then realised that following to this new "balance", the two of them didn't talk to each other as much as they used to, and saw each other only if I was there too.
I am aware of what ego boost it was for me to be "chosen". If the opposite happened, the two of them hanging out without including me, I would have felt devastated, I know that. But then the situation went off balance.

I started to feel that one of them was too demanding. Maybe two or three emails or texts every day, suggesting links but also asking opinions on certain matters. The latest I would type my response was within one hour or two. Yes, I don't like to make people wait, my bad. During the summer I was at the seaside with my dad, and she would write asking how do I do this, how do I do that. Until recently, when I realised that maybe I should make myself less available, and she responded making some remarks a couple of times. Enough for making me feel like I needed to distance myself.

Instead, the bottom line with the other friend was few days ago, when basically she denied to have done something. Plain and simple, she said that it wasn't true, I was mistaken.
I had noticed in the past that she doesn't like to admit her mistakes (who does?), she likes to be in control. If she says that something is blue, even with clear evidence that the colour is in fact red, she will keep on saying that it's a reddish kind of blue. I mean, that did not bother me too much in the past, but few days ago I suddenly felt very triggered.
To make matters worse, I had set up a sort of meeting for the three of us together, related to our hobby. The day before the meeting, the one who doesn't admit her mistakes texts me that she had a dream where I was "telling her lots of bad things", so that in the dream she burst in tears. She adds: let's meet tomorrow, but without fighting (and a smiley.)

I felt even more triggered. I felt like she wanted to manipulate me into thinking that I am making her suffer. All this comes after a period of time that she has been unwell and I have done my best to support her, with my presence, with little gifts, with books, with texts.

So, the date of this meeting was approaching (today) and I felt that I didn't want to see either of them. So I emailed them yesterday, and said something really vague about something that came up so I couldn't make it, but the two of them maybe could meet anyway and perhaps I could join them eventually.
The demanding one replied with little diplomacy that I shouldn't do that, that unless it was a life or death matter coming up, our meeting had priority over everything. She added that she was very disappointed.
The one in denial replied that the meeting had no purpose without me, and that I should suggest another date.

After sleeping on it, I woke up this morning and wrote my reply. I said that I was sorry but not only was I busy today, it would be difficult for me to make time until mid November (it's true.) Also, since I hang out singularly with one of them all the time, it was no big deal if I wasn't with them for once. Also, I told off the demanding one, specifying that the disappointment was mutual, and informed the one in denial that the way she climbs on mirrors is an obstacle to clear and sincere communication. To top up, I told them that I think it's good if they spend some time together without me, as I feel that I have spent too much time with them. I know, it's harsh.

The problem is that I have felt liberated at first but now I feel devoured by guilt. Could I have avoided this, acted differently? What if they don't want to talk to me anymore?
As I said, when it comes to myself I feel emotionally impaired. I imagine this all sounds very childish, but it's been eating me alive the last 2-3 days.
I realise that I have written a lot so perhaps nobody will read it, understandably. But putting this down is very therapeutic rather than spinning thoughts in my mind. It would be great if someone could tell me if I am a neurotic or if actually boundaries have been pushed badly.

[linen53]

It sounds a bit odd for both of them to be upset because you cannot make it. The one who objected with the life or death scenario....well, that is just so over the top. Life happens, get used to it.

The other one sounds clingy.

Detach yourself and see how you feel in a few weeks. I can't imagine someone texting me multiple times a day on your opinion on how they are to live their life. That is just bizarre.

Why would you feel guilty? Because you disappointed them? Have they never disappointed you? These sound like co-dependent personalities; both in different ways. Both are sucking your energy out of you. Psychic vampires. Not that you should just drop them but you need to cut the umbilical cord and have a balanced relationship with each of them. Give and take. If they cannot do that then you need to distance yourself from them. And take that bubble bath.

Life is about learning new things. You are learning that you don't want to be the strong one all the time. You want mutual friendships. Right now you are at a turning point in your life. You are realizing you want more than what you have settled for and/or what you were taught. Each time you attract these types of people to you your convictions will become stronger until you will no longer attract needy people to you.


Keep on writing about your feelings. You will figure it out.

[Rachella]

Thank you so much Linen. Your words help a lot. This is what I thought as well, the two of them being co-dependent, otherwise I can't explain why they became distant to each other while becoming individually more and more attached to me. A strange triangle that I myself allowed to take form, no doubt about that. When I was younger I was very clingy myself, and honestly I crossed boundaries with friends a few times. I need to remind myself that I have that attitude inside me too, it's just that I have grown out of it. The challenge is not to end up in the same scenario over and over again. This time was in a way worse than others in the past, as normally I have issues with only one person at a time. Thank you, I have felt horrible most of the evening

[linen53]

Well, don't feel horrible. Pick yourself up, give yourself a hug, dust yourself off and move forward. This is why we are here: to learn. You've done nothing wrong. You are just doing what you are supposed to do.

You said it yourself, you used to be like that yourself but you've outgrown it. Your residual manifestations of clinging is what attracted these two persons to you.

[minxoto]

I read this thread with interest, but first I didn't know what to answer so I went back to my sofa and had a cigarette and did some thinking. Then I could feel (i'm not saying you are the same, but it made me think of that) the loneliness I feel even if I'm with others. I prayed to God and got some answers about that which I will write about in another thread.

When I was finish thinking about that, I went back to you and your problem.

I looked at myself, my own horoscope and the tarot readings I've done, and it makes me wonder:

Linen's words about the inner child is important, I think.

Did you have an absent father in some way? Was he not there? Was he in other ways unreachable? Was he a dreamer?

It seems to me that it's your inner child that have problem with boundaries. The need to cling and crave can come from a father that was not able to set boundaries for you when you were a child (and later).

A father's job is not just to be loving or provide food and money - he's also responsible for giving his children a set of healthy boundaries. If your father was not able to do that for you, you might get problems with the same issue as you grow up. The problems could last for a lifetime, and are difficult to repair.

The fact that you've come to this spiritual site - maybe in search of a God (or a divine father) can suggest that your mundane father (even if he was a good man) didn't provide you with the necessary boundaries.

I want to comfort you with a promise that God (a divine father) really exists and knows your path, so keep on praying (I prefer to do it loud, but alone) and you will get answers!

Everything will not be okay like that, but you will get help on your way.

People here can be good and help you a lot, but none of us knows your way. All we can do is to try to inspire you and sooth you through some written words. It helps - I know - but you need to attach to the very source to get the ultimate healing.

I'm not sure if these words will help you in any way, but I thought it would be right to write them anyhow.

Good luck!

minx.

[minxoto]

Originally Posted by minxoto

I read this thread with interest, but first I didn't know what to answer so I went back to my sofa and had a cigarette and did some thinking. Then I could feel (i'm not saying you are the same, but it made me think of that) the loneliness I feel even if I'm with others. I prayed to God and got some answers about that which I will write about in another thread.

When I was finish thinking about that, I went back to you and your problem.

I looked at myself, my own horoscope and the tarot readings I've done, and it makes me wonder:

Linen's words about the inner child is important, I think.

Did you have an absent father in some way? Was he not there? Was he in other ways unreachable? Was he a dreamer?

It seems to me that it's your inner child that have problem with boundaries. The need to cling and crave can come from a father that was not able to set boundaries for you when you were a child (and later).

A father's job is not just to be loving or provide food and money - he's also responsible for giving his children a set of healthy boundaries. If your father was not able to do that for you, you might get problems with the same issue as you grow up. The problems could last for a lifetime, and are difficult to repair.

The fact that you've come to this spiritual site - maybe in search of a God (or a divine father) can suggest that your mundane father (even if he was a good man) didn't provide you with the necessary boundaries.

I want to comfort you with a promise that God (a divine father) really exists and knows your path, so keep on praying (I prefer to do it loud, but alone) and you will get answers!

Everything will not be okay like that, but you will get help on your way.

People here can be good and help you a lot, but none of us knows your way. All we can do is to try to inspire you and sooth you through some written words. It helps - I know - but you need to attach to the very source to get the ultimate healing.

I'm not sure if these words will help you in any way, but I thought it would be right to write them anyhow.

Good luck!

minx.

I don't know this. I'm just guessing.

I think I rather should stick to my handwritten journal. Then I don't make such fool of myself :-)

minx.

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by minxoto

I don't know this. I'm just guessing.

I think I rather should stick to my handwritten journal. Then I don't make such fool of myself :-)

minx.

Lol!!! You're funny Thanks, all what you say makes perfect sense. I had fairly emotionally distant parents, like the majority of people seeking spiritual or psychological guidance. My parents have done their best accordingly to their own knowledge and their experience at the time. Emotional wounds may cover several generations.
You know what, I started to visit this forum eons ago without registering , but I was only interested to the soulmate section. Now that I'm a registered user, that one is the section where I have posted the least so far.
Thank you so much for reading and for your prayers