Sounds like you're in a serious dump right now, and reflective. I can't know anything about the situation with your husband but an understandable feeling of hopelessness
comes through (to me - others will sense different things).
One issue is presumably you are still with him / the "matrimonial home" which won't allow you the freedom you'd otherwise have to clean the slate.
You might not clean it entirely but you'd be able to make a start unhindered by the constraints still living there. But that's an assumption.
Well, you know you're feeling low so you also know that things can be better and once you pull yourself from the present dump, they will.
Looking at some of the things you've said:
Am I incapable of falling in love again?
Of course not but it
is up to you. Don't even start believing "incapable". Set your heart on it being perfectly possible, eh?
I mean I love my children... so I know my heart isn't numb to all kinds of love...
That's the closest most people get to unconditional love. To be cherished in its own right and it's all you really need to know about
capability. Yes, a romantic/carnal love is different but it's more to do with the conditions, the unwritten rules that you create
as a relationship grows. I don't have a gripe with conditional love provided it doesn't become control and spiritual imprisonment.
People need to (be able to) rely, to trust, to feel they have space and time for themselves, so they come to a (usually unwritten)
agreement about what they expect of each other.
But, the romantic kinds... I am starting to worry about.
The worry may be a problem but you have to take a lot of deep breaths when this feeling comes on, to try to reach a feeling
of equanimity. It may happen, it may not. Once again and so important it's what you choose to believe in right now. Believe that you can,
no matter what - but like I say, equanimity.
I suppose if this is the next leg of my journey, I will just have to embrace it. Accept that I am at a point where romance no longer appeals to me.
If you
know about romance, you'll know that in any relationship it can't be sustained in the blaze in which it often starts. As we age
we take a more mature view of it. It becomes more subtle and that's good because it's far more sustainable. It's good to be open-minded
and keep expectations down. Fulfilling relationships don't necessarily need romance. I'd far sooner meet someone
interesting, collaborative, supportive, open-minded/ not secretive, no mind-gamer, no confrontationalist, than a flaming
great romance, nice though the thrill is, but likely to die down and leave nothing. It's great if there is a deep underlying relationship
but one has to take care...
My life is at a pivotal point... where I can settle into the comfort of security and accept that I will never know love again... or... toss mine and my children's lives into upheaval and still run the risk of never knowing love again.
There's no easy answer to this. You love your kids enough to be concerned for upheaval... but then (as other posters are almost certain to say)
bringing children up in an unhappy home with confrontations and a bitter, dark atmosphere can do more long term harm than the smaller upheaval
of ditching your present situation. You'll have a lot to consider - chiefly your own security because your kids' will hang off that mostly.
For certain you can't spend the rest of your life in your current state so it is really a choice of making the best of it until an opportunity comes up
- or chucking it altogether asap. Or...finding a compromise with your present situation. If you have a cheating husband you're
entitle to "work to those same rules" although I suspect it's more difficult for a female.
No one can deny you're in a hard place. But that doesn't mean it's going to be hard forever.
Mustering positive thoughts, setting yourself to
know that things can and will get better is the focus. Assure yourself that they will.
....