I need help meditating

I have been meditating for about two months now and while at first I thought it was making me calmer and helping with anxiety – I have realized that lately the opposite has happened. I have never been more anxious and actually an angry person than just before, during and right after meditating. I come out of meditating and I want to hit something. I’m really starting to beat myself up over this and have had really negative thoughts about myself. I am really starting to hating meditating and feel like it’s not helping.

My anxious OCD mind wanders constantly and I find myself less mindful than when I begin. I question why I am doing this, as it seems counter productive to ‘come at this with no expectations’, then why would I do something if I have no expectations? I get angry every time my mind wanders and I try to ‘bring it back to the breath’.

I realized that focusing on the ‘now’ seems like an elaborate and nice way to say, ‘you are worried about the future, just forget about it, ignore it by thinking of now’. It’s like telling an alcoholic, the answer is simple – just don’t have a drink. Worried about tomorrow, think of today - think of now. It’s not that simple, and seems silly that that's the answer.

I’m jealous of everyone else saying how trans-formative the experience has been and yet after weeks of struggle – nothing. No moment of clarity, no stress release, no ability to see things any differently. I assume I’ll get replies to "keep at it", and to tell you the truth I will – just because I don’t know what else to do, but I am starting to question the process.

I think just writing this was a bit cathartic and I don’t want to rain on everyone’s meditation parade – I am here because I want help. I want to be better. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. The more I meditate the more I feel worse. I understand I'm not supposed to try to 'get anything out' of meditation, but if it's a constant struggle and makes me sad and stressed why should I? What do I do?

[Bellia_Luna]

I suggest guided meditations on YouTube there are alot of helpful meditations that can calm your body mind and soul. Being calm and clearing your mind or thinking positive really helps and I hear affirmations will also help you on your journey.

[Shrek]

How long you meditate?
I feel happier when Meditate but well not if too long
So I not push my self to much, 30 mins a day is enough for me.
Also I read more the guidance.
Well as you say, Keep at it

[Gem]

Originally Posted by medskeptic

I have been meditating for about two months now and while at first I thought it was making me calmer and helping with anxiety – I have realized that lately the opposite has happened. I have never been more anxious and actually an angry person than just before, during and right after meditating. I come out of meditating and I want to hit something. I’m really starting to beat myself up over this and have had really negative thoughts about myself. I am really starting to hating meditating and feel like it’s not helping.

Meditation practice brings the stiller mind, but this in turn leads to becoming more aware of the anxiety/anger/self depreciating reactivity which you were previously unconscious of.

My anxious OCD mind wanders constantly and I find myself less mindful than when I begin. I question why I am doing this, as it seems counter productive to ‘come at this with no expectations’, then why would I do something if I have no expectations? I get angry every time my mind wanders and I try to ‘bring it back to the breath’.

Ok, as the mind is habitualised to become disappointed and frustrated when things don't behave as you expect, this becomes revealed in meditation practice. The mind wanders off and you react by becoming annoyed. This is revealing what was previously an unconscious mental habit, and now you're becoming aware of it.

I realized that focusing on the ‘now’ seems like an elaborate and nice way to say, ‘you are worried about the future, just forget about it, ignore it by thinking of now’. It’s like telling an alcoholic, th answer is simple – just don’t have a drink. Worried about tomorrow, think of today - think of now. It’s not that simple, and seems silly that that's the answer.

Ok... because meditation is the observation of what is happening now, so if you observe breath, you only observe this current breath, and not remember the last breath or imagine the future breaths.

I’m jealous of everyone else saying how trans-formative the experience has been and yet after weeks of struggle – nothing. No moment of clarity, no stress release, no ability to see things any differently. I assume I’ll get replies to "keep at it", and to tell you the truth I will – just because I don’t know what else to do, but I am starting to question the process.

On the contrary, you have gained a lot of insight into the way in which your mind is habitualised into reacting. Becoming conscious of that is a great acheivment... and Screw everyone else, this is your meditation, not anyone elses.

I think just writing this was a bit cathartic and I don’t want to rain on everyone’s meditation parade – I am here because I want help. I want to be better. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. The more I meditate the more I feel worse. I understand I'm not supposed to try to 'get anything out' of meditation, but if it's a constant struggle and makes me sad and stressed why should I? What do I do?

Becoming conscious of how you generate stress and sadness within yourself is very important. As you become conscious of that you realise that it's all coming out of you, and not caused by thing you might possibly blame.

These self generated reactions that create misery, which you have become aware of... are like habits, but becoming aware of how you yourself generate this enables you change it. It's quite simple in theory, don't react at all. Quietly, calmly return to breath. In practice, it's more difficult, but as you deepen your insight into how your mind has been 'ruling the roost' all this time, you realise that there's a strong impetus to change.

[peteyzen]

very well said Gem

[redstone]

try doing this meditation training programme, it's called the soul retrieval course by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, it's a full year training programe with webcasts and audio recordings and a discussion forum, and you can even submit questions you have to Rinpoche.

[Shrek]

You really something Gem

[praveece]

Originally Posted by Gem

These self generated reactions that create misery, which you have become aware of... are like habits, but becoming aware of how you yourself generate this enables you change it. It's quite simple in theory, don't react at all. Quietly, calmly return to breath. In practice, it's more difficult, but as you deepen your insight into how your mind has been 'ruling the roost' all this time, you realise that there's a strong impetus to change.

Aptly said Gem.

Better to look out for the root cause so that it could be eliminated completely.

[ScorpCap]

I'm guessing you have some internal stuff that needs to be taken care of. I have lots of unresolved anger, and it sometimes comes out during meditation, unfortunately. :-( Good luck.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am still moving ahead with the meditation, mixed results, but I like what Gem had to say. I guess I just need to accept those thoughts and try to return to breath.