Uh, um... I think someone is interested in me.

[little.nation]

First of all, neato! Yay!

Second, scream!!

Yeah, I'm probably not quite cut out for mature adulthood (at 43 years old). My instinct is still 2nd grade (run far away). I seriously geek out real hard when someone is interested in me or I think they are. This is nonsense yet it still is, regardless.

The suspect is overtly interested. This is what appeals to me. I like that someone is interested in me. But, WHY is he interested? What for? We probably aren't looking for the same thing. That's the way it goes in my world, there's always a problem...

I had visions. They were unusual and perplexing. I had been daydreaming / imagining / supposing and contemplating. The visions I had in response were portrayals of him: golden yellow warm happy.

HUH?! WHAT?!

Seriously baffling.

But I look to and see the dark side. I see risk and danger. I see threat and ominous. There's an old story inside and I remembered it while in physical presence of the suspect.

Jo no se. I still prefer to just crawl in a lovely earthly hole somewhere and die. Oh, the comfort and the relief and the rest! Now, if one was a potential boyfriend / lover / partner (aka suspect) what would he make of my desire to climb into a dark dirt hole in the earth? That's not very attractive. The sun doesn't shine warm and golden yellow into the dirt. Not that I know of...

I'm looking for a partner, a quality relationship. I'm NOT looking to get any more hurt than I already am (this is why I want my dark dirt hole).

Whatever. I don't care. About anything. Anymore. Too tired and too sad and too sore.

Hmm. I'm a little confused. Lol!

[Kaere]

I have to smile, your feelings about this are flying right off your post. I know that feeling, when the giggles bubble up out of nowhere lol

Maybe you could just sit in that dark dirt hole for a bit... maybe poke your nose out and see what he's doin? No need to move fast, right? Is he being gently curious too? Or rushy rushy?

If he's the right fella for ya, he'll go at your pace cause he'll want you to be comfortable with him. If he doesn't, he's probably not the right one for you right now. Give yourself the time to get to know him is what I'm sayin' *smiles*

Have fun, good luck!

[little.nation]

There's a stronger or heavier vibration when I contemplate the dark story. The light side has no vibration. I'm certain.

Life is not in the script or plan or blueprint or design or the proverbial cards for me. Only evil for me. It fills me with disgust and hate, and conviction of god.

It's not just that this particular person "isn't the one" like as if someone else is. No. I know too much. My poor suffering soul has been sacrificed to eternal lack, eternal black, eternal darkness, eternal pathology, eternal victimhood, eternal suffering, eternal loss, eternal Hell.

Why? No reason.

I'm going to close this chapter now and not revisit it. I'm already filling up with vomit and disgust. Why subject myself to anything when I already know the lot in life satan, lucifer, Jesus and god conspired to make. They are revolting, an insane gang of evil entities with no morality, no respect and no nothin'.

There's nothing anyone can ever say or do.

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by Kaere

I have to smile, your feelings about this are flying right off your post. I know that feeling, when the giggles bubble up out of nowhere lol

Maybe you could just sit in that dark dirt hole for a bit... maybe poke your nose out and see what he's doin? No need to move fast, right? Is he being gently curious too? Or rushy rushy?

If he's the right fella for ya, he'll go at your pace cause he'll want you to be comfortable with him. If he doesn't, he's probably not the right one for you right now. Give yourself the time to get to know him is what I'm sayin' *smiles*

Have fun, good luck!

Sorry, I just posted again before I saw your reply. I would love to vibe with what you're saying but the weight pulled and yanked on my chains and I flooded with darkness, so I wrote all that negative stuff. This is too cruel and merciless and harrowing. Unreal.

[Kaere]

Mmm, well you can only be true to you, right?

I wish you contentment in whatever you decide to do.

[JosephineB]

I hope all goes well in your new adventure

My poor suffering soul has been sacrificed to eternal lack, eternal black, eternal darkness, eternal pathology, eternal victimhood, eternal suffering, eternal loss, eternal Hell.

That's the ego not soul.

Originally Posted by little.nation

First of all, neato! Yay!

Second, scream!!

Yeah, I'm probably not quite cut out for mature adulthood (at 43 years old). My instinct is still 2nd grade (run far away). I seriously geek out real hard when someone is interested in me or I think they are. This is nonsense yet it still is, regardless.

The suspect is overtly interested. This is what appeals to me. I like that someone is interested in me. But, WHY is he interested? What for? We probably aren't looking for the same thing. That's the way it goes in my world, there's always a problem...

SO what are you doing about it? Not just standing/sitting/lying down there, surely?

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by JosephineBloggs

I hope all goes well in your new adventure

That's the ego not soul.

Not turning out too well but this is me we're talking about, nothing is supposed to go well for me.

No, it's not ego. I'm very much on the soul and eternal level. I have an idenity, not ego. Watch:

You know there's a light bearer, right? Did you know there's a bearer of darkness? I light up a room by leaving it.

Which only increases the dark...

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

SO what are you doing about it? Not just standing/sitting/lying down there, surely?

Well, I contemplated a whole lot. I continually arrived at a negative outcome every time I contemplated one thing or another. But then I reminded myself of how incredibly conditioned I am vs my will. I decided to know nothing, presume nothing and simply evaluate how things go. I had the past two days off and returned to work tonight...

I am about 95% sure he dogged me!!

Hey, I understand. Sometimes you're interested until you're not interested, and when you're not interested anymore you let it be known. That's fine.

But nothing in my life is ever natural or normal or regular. It is always spiritual and that spirit is always negative and adversarial. Things are always orchestrated and controlled. There is no getting free from the plot and the conspiracy.

So, he was attentive today - a notch or two down from interested. There was a lot of eye contact and a couple of smiles. Then, things changed, after 15 minute break (where I smoked a cigarette which might have been the turn off)...

Eyes averted. Hmm. Okay. I followed the lead. I did not look toward him.

Then, he dumped a stack of totes which hit me and landed on my back.

Because I'm so heavily conditioned in negativity, I completely read it in a negative way. Then I shifted into positive thought but immediately defaulted back to negative.

Of course, and as usual, everything everything everything EVERYTHING is taken as a meaningful sign (I so truly dislike spiritual life and this is one of the major primary reasons).

Negative interpretation: watch my back
Positive interpretation: an unusual way of hitting on me
Negative interpretation: pavlov's dog

I'm no stranger to pavlov's dog abuse. I've been through it to severe and extreme degrees (this explains, in part, why I'm so negative and hostile - having been tortured does not produce loving kindness). I went through it so severely that it was the last message I wrote in a 500 page handwritten book I sent to the state's attorney, pleading for help.

No, they did not help.

Anyway, he dumped the totes and they hit me. I figured it might have been intentional, or subconsciously intentional, letting me know the prior averted eye contact meant he was not interested.

I... don't need to be assaulted to figure it out, jeez. Lol.

But what if it wasn't on purpose? I was bending over when it happened which means he might have been looking at my butt and it really was an accident. My butt does kinda sorta look kinda sorta good... or whatever.

But it doesn't end here. There's a little more.

There was a little more eye contact after the accident and then the shift ended. I clocked out and began walking home. He drove past me, as a passenger in someone's car. They pulled into a gas station and I saw him get out of the car...

I kept walking and surprisingly encountered them again, at another gas station. They were standing outside the car and I saw clearly that it was him.

Oh, he dogged me.

I heard a "cough cough" like the sort of cough someone would make if they don't like something. The other guy, the driver, said in agreement "yeah, right!"

So, it seems pretty clear to me that he talked about me to his driver friend and when he saw me, he must have said something and then made the repulsion sound. One's friend is certainly going to agree with you so of course, he did.

Because he dogged me I'm back to thinking the tote dump against my back might've been an eff you sort of thing. Which is confusing as Hell. The only way it makes sense is if he's employing pavlov's dog.

Which basically means, mislead someone by leading them on in a positive way and then punishing them when they respond to the false positive. It's abuse, and unfortunately it's abuse I'm conditioned by (no, trained to).

Woof woof. I've been dogged. Don't worry, mystery man. I won't go full blown B word on you.

I'm just going to ignore him and find another job. How DARE i think ANYONE would ever be interested in ME! Oh, and I'm supposed to be "punished" for wanting / needing / seeking a partner.

I'm one of Satan's nones (nuns), when imma learn?

The answer is never because I am not obligated to serve evil.

Anyway, it's all real sad because he's pretty fricken cute and right up my ally. My sort of guy (because I like manly men).

Oh well. Satan and lucifer rule.

[little.nation]

Originally Posted by Kaere

Mmm, well you can only be true to you, right?

I wish you contentment in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks :)

I was a little bothered and upset after all that subtle and overt stuff tonight but I know my walk through this world: I am a target and will never be let off the hook.

I'm fine. No problem. Evil can do whatever evil does. I'll shift my attention back onto the Dulos Traconis case, knowing full well that any time i dare to exert my will in this world I will be attacked for it and beaten right back into oppression and control.

No hero for me.

I love your positivity, Kaere. I regret that can't respond in kind. Disharmony... Grrph.