Estranged from parent(s)?

[Pagandell]

Originally Posted by Snow Goose

Try to find the understanding, why did this happen? Knowledge is power.

I have had problems with my mother, I won't go into detail, I know that she is a product of a messed up society. That doesn't make her any less of a dangerous person but it brings me to a point of understanding so that I can move forward even though I will have nothing to do with her in the future.

Thanks Snow Goose for your feed back.

I know why this happened, but it is very deep rooted in the past, complicated ,symbolic, enlightening and

Its good to know its not just me who's heart has been put to the test in such a way

[JuleenIntuitiveUNshrink]

*Red-Bird*, can you articulate the source of the confusion exactly? In a situation where we feel like we don't want reconciliation w a parent ever, it's always basically bc we feel fundamentally not heard, understood, and validated, to greater or lesser degrees, and we believe that it's hopeless to try bc it's never worked before so why would it now? By this time it's difficult to have even a simple exchange without patterns repeating. We also don't want to enable them to further hurt us. The highest expression of ourselves however always involves standing in our truth to the greatest degree accessible to us. I always recommend first when ppl are confused, being sure that you have expressed your truth fully to the person. Which it doesn't sound like you have, bc your truth is that you feel confused but you don't want a reconciliation w her, ever, for whatever reasons that might be. It's abt literally being transparent, bc that's your truth, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes just the act of doing that simple thing can make things feel "complete" in a sense. You might also ask her how she would plan to reconcile that would be different than what has been attempted in the past, perhaps. But just the simple expression of what I said above, what you expressed here, could be really powerful for you. Clearly you aren't ready to "let go" , or you'd feel at peace w that and it would feel like a relief. There's an underlying néed still to feel validated and loved by your Mom, it's just part of being human, and you have to acknowledge this as directly as you can, even if it's to yourself. What needs to be let go of is whatever it is that you are resisting..which is actually just the experience of standing in your your truth! I hope that makes sense..but the confusion I think is coming from trying to let go or forgive or whatever other complicated thing we think we are always supposed to be doing, when it's really quite simple!! Just start by seeing how the idea of doing that feels...

[Laisrian]

I really understand what you mean... My parents got a divorce when I was 18 and my father cut all ties with me. Even though he still calls my brother once in a while, he seems to not want to see me or talk with me. I did nothing wrong... Really. The only thing I actually did (and it wasn't on purpose) was finding out he was cheating on my mother and my soul couldn't take it more than a few months. A friend caught me crying (without me realising this because I had "forgotten" the subject. It was really odd) and it precipitated the events that lead to him having to admit he was cheating on her.
I only got into the spirituality stuff a couple of years ago. I wasn't okay with our (lack of) relationship, so I used my tarot cards to check what I should do. The source told me I should talk with him with my heart. Telling him what I felt, what was the reality (or that would come out eventually with a really bad timing). And so I did. I called him and asked to go to a coffee shop to talk with him. I wanted a father-daughter relationship like everyone else. I thought I had gotten to him, but I guess I didn't... This was two years ago and still nothing changed. Recently, I asked the cards again about this situation. The source told me to let go of the subject. Nothing else could be done on my side, since a relationship can't be one-sided.

There was one thing that was bothering me. My father and I go way back. It's our second life together. We got stuck due to unresolved issues from our past life. I was worried I would be stuck again with him, since it looked unresolved. But no. I was told I had done what I could, I resolved my issue and I healed my scar. I am okay with this now. Our karmic circle was fixed on my side. He still has work to do, but I'm not bound to him.

Well, this whole story to tell you that no, you don't need to face your mother. The thing you have to face is the scar on your soul, left by her/you/both of you. As long as you heal it (this doesn't mean you have to actually forgive someone) and you are okay with it, I would say you're on the right path.

[*Red-Bird*]

Originally Posted by JuleenIntuitiveUNshrink

*Red-Bird*, can you articulate the source of the confusion exactly? In a situation where we feel like we don't want reconciliation w a parent ever, it's always basically bc we feel fundamentally not heard, understood, and validated, to greater or lesser degrees, and we believe that it's hopeless to try bc it's never worked before so why would it now? By this time it's difficult to have even a simple exchange without patterns repeating. We also don't want to enable them to further hurt us. The highest expression of ourselves however always involves standing in our truth to the greatest degree accessible to us. I always recommend first when ppl are confused, being sure that you have expressed your truth fully to the person. Which it doesn't sound like you have, bc your truth is that you feel confused but you don't want a reconciliation w her, ever, for whatever reasons that might be. It's abt literally being transparent, bc that's your truth, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes just the act of doing that simple thing can make things feel "complete" in a sense. You might also ask her how she would plan to reconcile that would be different than what has been attempted in the past, perhaps. But just the simple expression of what I said above, what you expressed here, could be really powerful for you. Clearly you aren't ready to "let go" , or you'd feel at peace w that and it would feel like a relief. There's an underlying néed still to feel validated and loved by your Mom, it's just part of being human, and you have to acknowledge this as directly as you can, even if it's to yourself. What needs to be let go of is whatever it is that you are resisting..which is actually just the experience of standing in your your truth! I hope that makes sense..but the confusion I think is coming from trying to let go or forgive or whatever other complicated thing we think we are always supposed to be doing, when it's really quite simple!! Just start by seeing how the idea of doing that feels...

Honestly, and this may make me seem self-centered but confusion stems from worry that I am hindering my own spiritual progress - it's got nothing to do with how she might be feeling. We have been estranged for almost 20 years - zero communication from my end, and just the two letters from her as mentioned. The relationship was never a close one, she was physically and psychologically abusive to both my brother and I and he was so screwed up by her he ended up taking his own life. Her entire family cut her off though I understand that one by one they gradually let her back in. I have grown so much spiritually since my brother's death and try to do good - but I wonder all the time if the estrangement is some sort of spiritual test, is it a trick to trip me up on my journey. Is something I am expected to resolve in this life? They are the questions I ponder. I feel anxious that this one big issue that I refuse to 'get over' is tainting my spirit.

[*Red-Bird*]

Originally Posted by Laisrian

I really understand what you mean... My parents got a divorce when I was 18 and my father cut all ties with me. Even though he still calls my brother once in a while, he seems to not want to see me or talk with me. I did nothing wrong... Really. The only thing I actually did (and it wasn't on purpose) was finding out he was cheating on my mother and my soul couldn't take it more than a few months. A friend caught me crying (without me realising this because I had "forgotten" the subject. It was really odd) and it precipitated the events that lead to him having to admit he was cheating on her.
I only got into the spirituality stuff a couple of years ago. I wasn't okay with our (lack of) relationship, so I used my tarot cards to check what I should do. The source told me I should talk with him with my heart. Telling him what I felt, what was the reality (or that would come out eventually with a really bad timing). And so I did. I called him and asked to go to a coffee shop to talk with him. I wanted a father-daughter relationship like everyone else. I thought I had gotten to him, but I guess I didn't... This was two years ago and still nothing changed. Recently, I asked the cards again about this situation. The source told me to let go of the subject. Nothing else could be done on my side, since a relationship can't be one-sided.

There was one thing that was bothering me. My father and I go way back. It's our second life together. We got stuck due to unresolved issues from our past life. I was worried I would be stuck again with him, since it looked unresolved. But no. I was told I had done what I could, I resolved my issue and I healed my scar. I am okay with this now. Our karmic circle was fixed on my side. He still has work to do, but I'm not bound to him.

Well, this whole story to tell you that no, you don't need to face your mother. The thing you have to face is the scar on your soul, left by her/you/both of you. As long as you heal it (this doesn't mean you have to actually forgive someone) and you are okay with it, I would say you're on the right path.

Thank you for sharing what you have been through. What you wrote about the fact that your father still has work to do but you are no longer bound to him actually just hit me like a tonne of bricks! Perhaps the fact that ties between my mother and I were well and truly severed was actually supposed to happen for my spiritual growth! I have no doubt that we were placed together in this life in order to work through some karmic issues - could it be that I was meant to be finally rid of her emotionally and physically in this life, actually in order to move on? ...I am really liking that perspective! Wow! Thank you!

[TinyToad]

To me, "forgive" and "forget" are two different concepts. To "forgive" means to no longer harbor negative energy from or towards another person, even despite any past terrible wrongs that they may have committed against you. However, to "forget" I believe is foolishly detrimental to one's self. We are meant to learn from our experiences, and then to incorporate what we have learned. People will teach you about themselves over time, with their choices, behaviors and so on. If someone teaches you that they are malicious, manipulative, not trustworthy or are otherwise harmful to your well-being (including emotional well-being), then it is important to not "forget" that, but rather to remember what you have learned and incorporate it into your life in empathetic but self-respecting ways. So therefore you might "forgive" someone, which is healthy, but you might also remember that you need to have certain strong boundaries with that person, which in some especially severe cases means "no contact" for the sake of your well-being and personal growth. However, we can still have empathy, such as understanding that the other person likely has severe unresolved issues from things they experienced when very young, and so we wouldn't seek to hurt them any further. We might need to part ways with them, but we wouldn't seek vengeance, for example. Boundaries can also be used in varying levels. For example, you might be willing to hear someone out, but also let them know firmly but gently that you will not tolerate certain types of toxic behaviors from them, and so if they engage in those behaviors, then you will have to cease contact.

[Pagandell]

Thanks guys still reading this thread and its helping loads

[*Red-Bird*]

Originally Posted by Pagandell

Thanks guys still reading this thread and its helping loads

I'm glad it is helping you too

[Pagandell]

Originally Posted by *Red-Bird*

I'm glad it is helping you too

Thanks

[lauterb]

Dear *Red-Bird*

Sorry to say but you and your mother were a sort of enemies in previous life. God in his infinite wisdom put you together to settle your differences!

How many lives do you want to take to make peace and change this for love?

It is up to you, not now ok! But a certain point today or "tomorrow" you will need to do that! I suggest to do this yesterday for your own good!!!

From The Spirit's Book from Allan Kardec questions 530 and 530a. you will find some more info. You can freely download at internet in pdf file.

Good study!