If descriptions of dying might upset you please, please do not read on!
Something has just prompted me to describe some missing details.
I was of course with my wife constantly from the time things turned bad and at the time she passed I was by her side.
We had always promised never to leave each other!
It was in the local hospice after the doctors had assured me there was no way back.
However they expected her to last up to two weeks!
During a moment on our own, me sitting by her bed and holding her hand.
The terrible haze of poison from the liver failure and drugs lifted just a bit.
She said to me " Mike, I know what's going on her darling, you are going to have to let me go you know"
I lost it big style, crying like a child. (as now)
No, no I said.
She said "come on baby it will be alright" and puckered up and gave me two kisses.
I said "Ok love, I release you from that promise but you must come back to me, that you must do"
She agreed and then went back into the confused haze.
It was clear she was in great pain.
The nurse was summoned for more pain killer and in the meantime I joined with my lady to take the pain away as I had done so many times in the past.
She would send it into my hand, I would take it and deal with it.
My god, it nearly took me off my feet and made me sick.
The pain in her upper tummy was huge!
Anyway this eased her and after 10 mins or so the pain killers kicked in.
I got rid of the pain I took but I can still feel it now.
She was laying there fighting for breath.
I kept my face near her, looking into those stunning now half shut eyes.
Her sister who was with me and my lady and their Bother was looking on.
Her sister started her on a guided meditation!
At this point my brave lady, summoning her last strength shuffled her way towards me and I slipped my right arm under her, so cradling her in my arms, all the while keeping eye contact.
Her sister's meditation took her to a waiting ship, I added details and suggested people and animals that were on the ship to great her.
We both knew what we were doing as did my lady I am sure.
Her breathing slowed and slowed.
As I asked her to step onto the ship, it was almost stopped.
Then her sister said, they are lifting the anchor now.
I kept saying that I was there and would keep her safe, also that everything was as it should be.
One last look at me a slight smile and she passed over and I had lost my wonderful lady
I am so pleased that I was able to be part of her end and stopped all the pain and suffering!
I was given time on my own, I lifted her hand and lay it over my neck and had a last cuddle with her.
The pain comes back as I write this.
Anyway, I had kept mum away from all this as she was very delicate and I wanted to spare her seeing this.
But I told mum all about it and she asked if I could hold her when her time came.
Mum's end was very slow and destructive, she was moved to a nursing home and Kind of became semi awake due to drugs.
Me, my sister and dad never left her side for 7 long days and nights as she lay there.
When the time did come I did as she had asked and held her and just like I did for my dear wife I listened while my mum's heart slowed and stopped and watched her last breath.
These moments come rushing back to me almost every day, hearing the hearts stopping and the last breaths.
OH dear me, the pain of it all.
I have decided to share this with you as I have seen how kind and supportive you are and felt I should.
very close to us with their love and presence, it is hard for them to get close to us when we are grieving very heavily, our energy is too hard for them to penetrate when we are asleep and in a different state of consiousncess, it is easier for them to be with us and comfort us with their love, that is why you feel the presence has left you, but they know when they can be around us when our energy isnt so overwhelming with sadness.
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