Quote:
Originally Posted by Headintheclouds
You can astral project while conscious, it can happen with intention or spontaneously. I project consciously which means I do it with intention. The experience you described of having your energy body pulled from your physical sounds like astral projection. I'm glad you changed your mind and that someone or something stepped in to stop you.
The visions you had... It could (and does sound like AP) have been AP. What were you doing just prior to this happening?
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I'm sorry its so much and so long but once I got into the memory I just kept wanting to write more. I'm saving this to a personal journal of mine which is why I went with the clarity when it came. Hopefully its of some use to you in some way. It was interesting and fun for me to relive. Very profound and shocking as well. Feels like a lifetime ago.
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I was at work. I was working at a bar at the time as a dishwasher. I was 21. I wasn't drunk at all though, completely sober.
I was trying to woo and date a beautiful woman and she rejected me. I felt like I was trying to be myself for the first time in my life and she rejected the real me. I felt like I could never have what I wanted (a beautiful partner) no matter what, no matter if I acted like myself, or if I acted like someone else. This pushed me over the edge (I was already dealing with heavy trauma at the time).
I considered it to be a near death experience for a long time. It might be one. I was feeling suicidal and that is what triggered the experience. I mean I was 100% going to do it, and 10 seconds of immersion in that feeling was enough to get me into a spiritual awakening. I remember the physical feeling of death when it came over me. It was cold like ice, and slow and a physical feeling to it. Like slime/puddy/water. It was immersive like water in that i felt completly surrounded by it, it was like slime and puddy in that it rolled over me in a very physical way like it was being poured over the top of my head. It was actually like I was being lowered into water except I was standing upright.
I remember feeling like the life force inside me was being attacked in very physical and real way. I felt it draining away and being replaced by the death muck.
This feeling barely reached my neck before the hand pulled me from my chest. Also before the hand pulled me, I had a series of about 50 thoughts. A dialect with myself or two sides of myself. One who was going to do the killing and was wanting to die, and another who was talking about the people I would hurt with my death, people who loved me. and one who had never hurt me in any grave way. It was because of that one person, whom I saw as pure love and innocence (my grandmother) that I couldn't do it. It was for that person that I listened to that voice in my head that said to live. Everybody else and everything else I hated, the world, God, everything. I felt like I couldn't exist alongside them, that they had pushed me away. I felt like I couldn't die either, not honorably at least, and honor was something I wasn't willing to sacrifice either.
I thought to myself that the only way to win was to kill myself young by working myself to death. I remember thinking "everybody will win, I will get to die honorably, and everyone else will get what they need from me.They will get my cooperation, my skills, my energy, my time, my compassion, all of the good that is in me. I'll win by dying young by working myself to death. I'll use everything that I have, anger mostly, and I'll use it for the good of all. Everything I have will be used for the good of all. I won't use it to hurt myself, and I won't use it to hurt anyone else. All that is pain, darkness, hurt, in my life will die with me, all that was given to me unrightfully will go with me to my grave. I will make sure what ails me will never ail another person, even if it means my death.
At this point I felt a profound dark power totally consume me until there was only one flicker of divine light in my chest. Before the darkness totally consumed me (this is before the hand, when the death muck was on me) I remember seeing a red door. At this point I am in like a half trance state and beginning to experience the vision (guess this is where it actually started lol, not the hand), but my consciousness is not 100% ripped from my body. its like an internal vision although similar to the astral projection. The astral projection actually felt like an internal vision too but my consciousness was 100% focused there to the point that I had lucidity within the thought. Physical sensations, thoughts about myself and the environment, etc.
Ok so Im in a trance state, and I see a red door. I feel my pulse begin to quicken and a palpable electricity fill my body. When I see the door it is surrounded by shadows and darkness, it's just a vision of blackness + a red door standing alone in the middle. When I open the door it's like I am looking into a vortex or portal, like a circular vortex
like this one
http://stilllookingforatitle.squares...gspinning.html (i dont know the blogger, but a similar thing was happening with the door.
it wasn't smooth or pretty looking either, it was wispy. like there was a wind in it or something.
There was also a mirror inside the door. In the mirror I saw a reflection of myself at first. but then I saw shadows start to form on my reflection until there was only a shadow outline. I also saw the flicker of light in the chest, a single speck of light that shone out from beneath the darkness.
At this time I also felt the death muck all over my body to the point that I felt suffocated. I remember a feeling of great pain and also destructive power. I felt it welling me up until I had such a destructive rage that I had to hurt other people.
this is all coinciding with the first few minutes after making the choice to kill myself.
I remember thinking I needed to give up the expectation about if what I was doing was good or evil. I needed to just do what I felt like doing. After this line of thought I was immediately wanting to unleash the destructive power on other people. On the entire world.
I had a vision of myself like a dragon spraying a destructive beam of energy at the whole world. At the last second though, after I had already given up control, I moved the beam and didn't allow it to hurt other people. I had somehow passed the test of believing in my higher self and allowing what I was experiencing to happen naturally and without judgement.
I remember thinking i could trust myself to make any decision. No matter what, when the time is necessary my higher self will intervene. I am safe and ok.
Next the flicker of light in my chest spread and burst through the darkness. leaving me in a shining body made of light. I felt the most profound euphoria that I've ever felt before or since. Pure physical euphoria akin to orgasm but persistent without being overwhelming.
I was in this light body for a few seconds while I thought about the sacrifice line of thought. Once I repeated it a few times and found it all to be true I was filled with great despair but only for a moment, thats when the hand pulled me from my chest.
In the astral body I didnt shine with light but I could feel light within me. It felt like I do now, light inside a physical body. It didnt feel like 100% pure shining bright yellow/white light
So I guess the real sequence of experiences, along with the thoughts and decisions, was.
tough experience where I felt my identity was shattered
thoughts begin to rapidly increase
two sides have a discussion about life and death
thinking about barriers to death. 1. to be good or evil (i would die if I stayed good, if I was evil i could live). 2. hurting the people who love me
(also another barrier was stealing from others to get what I wanted. In the past i had told myself that if things ever get really bad I can just steal from others to get what I want. I'll enjoy the best parts of life even if I'm not happy doing it. I told it to myself as a way to quell my existential anxiety that would sometimes come up around suicidal feelings and thoughts. Before this experience I had been plagued by sucidial thoughts for years btw. When the breaking of barriers came, this one was like third in line)
Realizing I couldnt hurt the people who love me, or be evil
visions of door
feeling of death muck descend.
visions of shadows covering my body
vision of dragon that almost destroys the world
vision of reflection in door where light flicker purifies all darkness
feeling of astral projection
thoughts of suicide and sacrifice.
deciding on sacrifice
feeling of hand pulling me from my physical body and my energy body into a higher body/astral body
visions of desert, wall of flame rushing at me and surrounding me, and feeling of aura of fire that was hotter and stronger than the wall of flame, an aura that started at the end of my light body and completely protected me and separated me from the flame.
visions of an orb of light that puts energy out and receives energy from what it puts out. An endless exchange of energy between polarities, that also expands exponentially in power into infinity. Later on I also felt this same feeling of an infinite energy circuit in my own body later.
after the orb feeling, and also trying to touch it and being shocked by it. I was returned to my energy body which was floating above my physical body.
At this point I was really thinking about sacrifice and what that meant. If I truly meant it (I did) and why I meant it. I realized all the choices I made were the choices of a pure and good person. I struggled with darkness, I gave in, and I also trusted in a higher power. I overcame through complete self surrender and sacrifice, much like my vow of sacrifice in the real world.
At this point I began to feel unconditional and pure love for myself. Something I have not feel before or since actually, at least not in such intensity. It was the love of God, pure unconditional love of self without judgement.
I also remember feeling like I was unworthy of this experience. I also remember it being more like a past tendency (to try and reject good things because I am unworthy). However I went with it and I decided to give this love and euphoria and strength back to the universe. This is after I made the connection that sacrifice was a pure deed and I was being blessed with some kind of divine strength to accomplish my vow/goal that I made in a panic. So I decide to give it all back and keep my vow because I didn't want the euphoria or superpowers. Giving it back only made the energy come back to me, and exponentially stronger too. I kept giving it back, trying to empty myself of this feeling and give it to all others, but it would just come back to me in a kind of infinite love-power energy circuit. After doing this maybe 10-20 times I realized the futility and accepted the experience.
This is when the physical euphoria really kicked into high gear. I would stay high for about 24 hours, then I would be like stage 2 high for 3 or so days, then barely high for like 3 days. For the next 42 days after this I would experience the same cycle of high and slow dissipation of divine energy. The highs would also coincide with certain vows, visions, experiences, feelings, and thoughts. Each week also brought different gifts, some of them physical and other intellectual and spiritual. Stronger spirit, more open minded, physically breathing better, deeper, more relaxed, intellectual very bright and clear. Everything making sense on the most profound of levels and in every complexity. Everything was perfect and I could see new things at work no matter where I looked. It was perfect but also fascinating and completely open to my awareness, all I had to do was look.
The vow and visions went something like this.
At some point I would begin to feel a little bit low and like the energy high was fading. The first time this happened I was confused and asked what was happening. Intuitively I knew it was because I was beginning to doubt my vows and my ability to accomplish them. I spoke to my intuition, I would complete these tasks! If I only had the proper tools to do them... The universe itself spoke to me (this is the only time in my life that the universe has spoken to me in such a way, to the point that I could distinctly feel it was something other than just another voice in my head). It said to me " you already do". Its voice had a melody to it and was colossal in size, it didn't sound any louder than a normal voice but I could tell it was universal in size. I also saw a vision of it but it was just a vision of space and stars and galaxies, but I knew it was what was speaking because I could sense it. I knew it meant my enlightenment, my being or inner self, that was how I could accomplish the impossible. All I needed was inside me and I already had it all, I just needed to take the journey.
at this point (this is around day 7 after the visions at the bar) the high had been feeling pretty low. After having this profound vision I began to feel the energy rise.
At this point another voice spoke to me but it was much different than the universal voice. It was more like a single being but a high being, like an angel or possibly one of my highest selves. It said something like "if you want to continue on with this path of death you can but you cannot keep anything you gain. if you want to leave now you can take your gifts and leave. live a life of greatness and be happy but selfish."
It was basically asking me if my resolve had changed. I said my resolve had not changed. I will continue on, I will uphold my vow and everything I said.
After completing this line of thoughts it was like I was given another dose of divine energy.
On the last week, the 6th week, I was having visions of cosmic space. Journeying through the cosmos. And experiences of blank mind or pure awareness without thought. There was also no experience of time, just movement and awareness.
After those 42 days I was a considerably awakened fellow but many many dark nights of the soul followed. It has been about 6 years since those experiences and I feel more lost than ever. I'm not under the death muck but I am in some new kind of muck. The muck of samsara I guess, the weight of my past choices and decisions. My demons.
Thank you for reading this.