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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 02-10-2019, 01:06 PM
Evangeline 77 Evangeline 77 is offline
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 18
 
What am I supposed to do with my brother?

Both of us are in a bad phase in our lives but the way he deals with his problems is totally different from mine.
I try to meditate, I watch my thoughts, I try to eat healthily, I try to raise my vibration etc
He is very depressed, he talks like "we are losers", every time we talk I feel my energy level drops and by now I don't even like to talk to him as I'm worried he pulls me back to that void I'm trying to get out-with negative talk and negative thoughts, talking about how pointless life is.
I don't think I'm a loser, I did have a lot of bad decisions in my life but I'm not a loser, I'm a work in progress.
So I just don't like talking to him anymore.
Sometimes I think I should just stop but then I realize I'm the only person in his life he can turn to when he's got problems and that makes me feel guilty and selfish. Which is again not something I want to feel.
I don't know what to do as I feel like I have to solve his life too. I do need a lot to solve my problems I really don't have the energy for others at the moment.
Am I a bad person not wanting to talk to him that much?
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  #2  
Old 02-10-2019, 09:52 PM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 7,464
 
You seem to be acting too passively which is partly why you feel drained trying to cope. You're giving but getting little or nothing in return.

Perhaps being a little more assertive can help. It may not be easy but assertiveness can sometimes reduce stress. Turn it round to say, "Why d'you say we're losers? We aren't. If anything we're hoping to win. I'm no loser." etc. and take no back-answers. If he says, "Yes you are," then turn away, don't get into a discussion over things like that.

You'll only be able to help him if he wants to be helped. When he comes to you with a problem say, "Then let's sort this out," and try a little planning or organisation. Act the role of a therapist and ask him to talk it through. Maybe it's something that you can't directly help with - could be anything - a financial problem; health? in which case you may have to suggest outside help. Maybe it needs a change of habit or lifestyle in which case make your suggestions. You have to try to remain detached and avoid an emotional response. If he declines such help or gets angry then you've done your best.

You have nothing to be guilty about and will probably feel less so when you withdraw emotionally so that he drains you less. Doesn't devalue your relationship. You have your own life to live. Get away from it for a while if you can.

See what others have to say...
Wishing you well.
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  #3  
Old 03-10-2019, 04:02 PM
AbilityMom AbilityMom is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Arizona
Posts: 44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangeline 77
Both of us are in a bad phase in our lives but the way he deals with his problems is totally different from mine.
I try to meditate, I watch my thoughts, I try to eat healthily, I try to raise my vibration etc
He is very depressed, he talks like "we are losers", every time we talk I feel my energy level drops and by now I don't even like to talk to him as I'm worried he pulls me back to that void I'm trying to get out-with negative talk and negative thoughts, talking about how pointless life is.
I don't think I'm a loser, I did have a lot of bad decisions in my life but I'm not a loser, I'm a work in progress.
So I just don't like talking to him anymore.
Sometimes I think I should just stop but then I realize I'm the only person in his life he can turn to when he's got problems and that makes me feel guilty and selfish. Which is again not something I want to feel.
I don't know what to do as I feel like I have to solve his life too. I do need a lot to solve my problems I really don't have the energy for others at the moment.
Am I a bad person not wanting to talk to him that much?

I feel what your going threw. And yes you need to know when to stop. I was the same way kept doing and in the end my brother treating me like garbage when he got mad, now I simply don't care what he needs. If it is IMPORTANT I will do it but non necessities oh well I don't bother no more.
I hate my brother with a passion, but he is still my blood, I will always be there for him, but sometimes you got to step back, let them fall, let them see what life is gonna be like if you are not there picking up the pieces.
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  #4  
Old 03-10-2019, 05:28 PM
iamthat iamthat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Golden Bay, New Zealand
Posts: 1,395
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangeline 77
Both of us are in a bad phase in our lives but the way he deals with his problems is totally different from mine.
I try to meditate, I watch my thoughts, I try to eat healthily, I try to raise my vibration etc
He is very depressed, he talks like "we are losers", every time we talk I feel my energy level drops and by now I don't even like to talk to him as I'm worried he pulls me back to that void I'm trying to get out-with negative talk and negative thoughts, talking about how pointless life is.
I don't think I'm a loser, I did have a lot of bad decisions in my life but I'm not a loser, I'm a work in progress.
So I just don't like talking to him anymore.
Sometimes I think I should just stop but then I realize I'm the only person in his life he can turn to when he's got problems and that makes me feel guilty and selfish. Which is again not something I want to feel.
I don't know what to do as I feel like I have to solve his life too. I do need a lot to solve my problems I really don't have the energy for others at the moment.
Am I a bad person not wanting to talk to him that much?

When life is a struggle we can either give up and sink downwards, or we can fight to rise above it. Giving up is the easy option for some people, and it sounds as if this is what your brother does. You are fighting to rise above your difficulties while also being dragged down by your brother.

So no, you are not a bad person for not wanting to talk to your brother. He sounds as if he is very draining, mentally and emotionally, and you already have enough to deal with. Your brother sounds an energy vampire, sucking the energy out of you. At the same time, he is your brother and you seem to be the only person he can turn to. A difficult situation.

A needy person can be very demanding, requiring your time and energy to listen to their problems. And the more time and energy you give, the more time and energy they want. You cannot solve his life. Only he can do that, but to do so he will need to change. But change requires energy, and it sounds as if your brother lacks the energy to change. Perhaps your challenge is to set some boundaries, limiting the time and energy you give to him.

Maybe your best option is to push him to see a therapist. He may not want to, but if he is not willing to help himself then why should you carry the burden?

Good luck.
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  #5  
Old 13-10-2019, 03:59 PM
Evangeline 77 Evangeline 77 is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 18
 
Thanks for the answers!
Yes, setting boundaries are my problem and yes, pushing him to get help from a professional might be a good idea.
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  #6  
Old 20-10-2019, 11:23 AM
Sunshine111 Sunshine111 is offline
Guide
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 551
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangeline 77
Both of us are in a bad phase in our lives but the way he deals with his problems is totally different from mine.
I try to meditate, I watch my thoughts, I try to eat healthily, I try to raise my vibration etc
He is very depressed, he talks like "we are losers", every time we talk I feel my energy level drops and by now I don't even like to talk to him as I'm worried he pulls me back to that void I'm trying to get out-with negative talk and negative thoughts, talking about how pointless life is.
I don't think I'm a loser, I did have a lot of bad decisions in my life but I'm not a loser, I'm a work in progress.
So I just don't like talking to him anymore.
Sometimes I think I should just stop but then I realize I'm the only person in his life he can turn to when he's got problems and that makes me feel guilty and selfish. Which is again not something I want to feel.
I don't know what to do as I feel like I have to solve his life too. I do need a lot to solve my problems I really don't have the energy for others at the moment.
Am I a bad person not wanting to talk to him that much?

No, you are not a bad person for not wanting to talk to him that much but, seriously....it really does not have to go to the extreme of cutting your brother off your life and shutting your door to him depriving him of the only person he can talk to, feels comfortable with and trust to talk about his problems when, you just simply say to him, "SPEAK FOR YOUR SELF" and "I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT WE ARE LOSERS ANYMORE, YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANY MATTERS YOU WANT BUT, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT WE ARE LOSERS ANY MORE. IF I HEAR THIS AGAIN, I WILL JUST END THE CONVERSATION AND NOT HEAR ANYTHING ELSE OR FURTHER YOU HAVE TO SAY" right there and then, then just go ahead and do of what you said if he breaks your rule.

I see no point in having arguements about the matter either. It is just absolutely pointless.

I really cannot understand why you cannot tell your brother , what you told us and just set some boundaries in your conversations with him.

Why do you not go out and do something , an activity together instead of having conversations that drag you down?.

I also do not understand this either, not being thought of or offered as a solution.

I just fail completely to understand certain things really.
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For me, The Truth is like The Sun.
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