Please help, I am hated by someone I love

[Tiss]

I need help to understand. I had a loving relationship with a young man, more like a friendship or a mentorship. I opened up many spaces of experience for him... including traveling overseas (his first time, as he never had gone out the city where he was born and grew up), I advised him concerning many life issues and also labor ones. He has crazy to come to my city and work with me. I was happy and I gave him some hope. He became very stuck on me. I fell in love with him and he was a great companion, for many months, although nothing physical happened.

At a certain moment, and after the trip overseas, I decided not to go ahead with the plan to "bring" him to my city because I noticed some behaviors that I disliked ... I had doubts... I badly cut off the relation via WhatsApp with no explanation and blocked him, to not to suffer. It was a big mistake. He then blocked any kind of communication.

I immediately regretted and tried to talk with him, but he didn't want to. I wrote a very tough letter stating my discomfort and judging him very hard. I called him ungrateful...I badly handled the situation. He began to deeply hate me and moreover, when i began to relate with people of his knowledge.

He became my declared enemy. I knew at that time for common friends that he was mentally sick/ unbalanced... He is used to feel deep resentment, and hates almost everything in life... I was an exception at the very beginning... Now he is showing his dark side... a very cruel side...

We cut just one year ago. Since March/ April he started threatening me via Twitter (without giving my name) with big lies. I didn't attempt to contact him anymore but I watch what he posts form time to time.

Yesterday he posted: "Feels great when you block from all social networks an evil and despicable being. It happened just 1 year ago {birthday cake}".

Maybe I made many communication mistakes... I know that I behaved as a teenager...but I don't hate anyone... and less him... I still feel good things about him...

In practice I did a lot for him, spiritually and materially... the fact is that never could I speak with him, he doesn't want to and his hate does not decrease at all...seems that it increases with time.

I am not used to hate or receive hate from anyone, and it is sad to being explicitly hated by someone whom you love... I pray a lot for him to stop hating me...

I need some help, as this fact is embittering my life....I don't know how to cope with this...

Blessings
Tiss

[Dargor]

Gotta warn you that my reply may be a bit blunt, but this is just how I deal with familiar situations and I have no ill intentions. So to get to the point, if he doesn't want to reason under any circumstances then you should just give up on him already and move on. There's no purpose in wasting time on someone who hates you, is there? You made the right decision by blocking him at first because you learned for yourself how much of a toxic person he later turned out to be. Consider this a classic example of the cat coming out of the bag. If you really helped him with a lot of stuff and he reacts to you like this then he simpy doesn't deserve your kindness any longer.

Unfortunately there seems little you can practically do if (as seems the case) he doesn't like you. No matter what suggestions are made here the best is probably to let him go, give it time and hope he finds a new girlfriend who'll take his mind off you. It's evident you're still very much in his mind and he probably smarted over you blocking him.

You don't say a lot about why you had to break off communication in reaction to "behaviours" you didn't like. Without asking what they were they must have seemed pretty bad to force you to block him if you had a good realtionship going. You then go on to accuse him of ingratitude and judged him harshly.

Well, very few people like that. It seems he's retaliating in kind. Was it because he no longer wanted to toe the line of "life issues" on which you advised him? Was he accepting your wisdoms as a genuine "pupil" or was that because he had hidden hopes for you and him? He may have been on his best behviour for a while but started to revert to type and you and he diverged.

You also don't say if you spent time with him face to face and how his behaviours emerged and why you didn't take them up with him while it was still going strong?

Letting go probably means questioning yourself and may not be easy. Best you leave him alone completely. Don't look for him on social media. You blocked him so that seems fair enough. Make new friends, distract yourself. Affirm that you don't need him.

I'm inclined to agree with SlayerOfLight (except about him being a toxic person. He may seem that to you but we don't get to hear his side of the story. He's still a person in his own right.). If some guy point-blank blocked me because I'm me and he didn't like my behaviour my pride may be hit but that would be the end of it. He could judge all he liked but I'd know that's his problem not mine and probably have a laugh over it.

[Grace222]

Hi Tiss,

I ditto what Slayer and Lorelyen have offered.

Just wanted to touch on the topics of self worth and people pleasing. When we don't see our worth clearly, we tend to look externally to others to mirror back our worth. Kind of the "Do you like me? What about you? Do you over there like me?" approach to seek validation that one is indeed likeable if others deem it so. But that's impossible. Some people will see your wonderful attributes, yet some won't. If half the people of the earth like you and the half doesn't, where does that leave you in confirming your worth through other's eyes? So we are to work internally in noting our inherent worth. Here's where affirmations can help, one being "I am worthy of being treated with respect and dignity." Because you are. :)


Take for example a lamp sitting on a table, with 3 people having different thoughts about it. One person may think, "That lamp looks just like the one at my grandmother's! What fond memories. I'd love to have that lamp!." Another person isn't fond of that particular lamp because of their preference for modern styling and clean lines, and this lamp is curvy and antique-like. And the last person unfortunately has a bad memory of being shocked as a kid by a similar looking lamp. But despite all three different experiences and perspectives going on, the lamp is still a lamp and when you flip the switch on, it does its dependable job of shining light.


Work internally on knowing your worth. You will be less swayed by the emotional currents and perspectives of others.


Also a couple of good reads:

"The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz (“Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”).


"Dodging Energy Vampires" by Christine Northrup


You can then transform your focus from "Why doesn't that person like me? Why won't they let me into their lives?" to "My intuition is dinging about this person. Their behavior is showing me that they are not worthy to be in MY inner circle and life."


Good luck hon!

[Dargor]

I wanna add something if I may, reading this thread fuels my beliefs even more that women, especially young women, often tend to choose douchebags over the more good-natured shy guys. And even after breaking up and losing contact they just refuse to break free from the 'love spell' and insist on seeing the good in them, while deep down they are aware that a relationship like this is going to be toxic and not end well.

Why is this? Are the sweet and shy guys not exciting enough? Sorry, I don't wanna turn this thread into a debate but this is just something that's been clouding my mind for a very long time and I needed to get this of my chest. Anyone is free to ignore this though and any mod may delete this post if inappropriate to the thread.

[Compendium]

Hate is a strong emotion that is made up of a tangle of emotions that creates the sensation of hate. Hate is usually a tangled mess of pain, fear, disappointment, love, envy, and the feeling of being abandoned. When you put them all together you get hate. When you put some of them together you get hate as there are some very powerful emotions in the mix.

You cannot undo what you have done words are like toothpaste once it is out thats it no amount of apologies or explanations will ever erase what was said or done. He has to come to his own conclusions and detangle the mess if he is so enlightened to do so. In this case take the lesson for what it is and move on. You tried to make amends he chose to not listen. Everyone has a choice and those choices where made. Next time hopefully you will be better capable of handling such a situation in the future.

The good thing is he is where he is and you are where you are guys like that who hang on to things can have a propensity for violence so things happened as they should have.

Namaste`

^^^I'm usually reluctant to judge someone out of hand so I don't know if it's hate or not. It may seem that. In relationships it often arises from anger over hurt pride and once the smarting is over becomes ironic and derisory. If the person doesn't like being sleighted and they're unforgiving it's over; the thing has turned sour and nothing can reverse it. Even if the hater were forgiving he probably senses it can never be reset to where it left off. The chasm has opened up.

Put yourself in the position of this guy - he's going along nicely with his female mentor and behaves as he might, feeling moderately secure with her.... then suddenly he's switched out. He doesn't really know why - no feedback, no knowledge of results. Just blocked. It comes as a bit of a shock but what might he feel as a result? Hurt? Insulted? Conned? Well, we don't know because we don't know what his expectations were. We don't know what event led to this impasse. But there it is. He's cut out. And the next thing is he gets told what she thinks of him in no uncertain terms. Who knows that but for that some kind of reconciliation was possible. With guys I've known, I'm guessing he realised he was in the driving seat at that point. There was no point in going back if that's what she thinks of him.

The easiest way to sideline her is to concentrate on what he didn't like about her and turn the thing into disdain and derision.

Such are the lessons we have to learn. There's no right or wrong, no right party or wrong party. It's how things happened. A sorrowing impasse but one that's best walked away from.

[inavalan]

You wrote:

Originally Posted by Tiss

... I badly cut off the relation via WhatsApp with no explanation and blocked him

... I wrote a very tough letter stating my discomfort and judging him very hard. I called him ungrateful

... I didn't attempt to contact him anymore but I watch what he posts form time to time.

It seems that you acted with no consideration for his feelings. He got the message, was hurt and outraged. You shouldn't be surprised now.

As long as he doesn't do, or threaten to do, something violent, let him be, and move on with a lesson learned!

The way I see, it was your mistake, and you handled it badly.

[eliana israel]

I've blocked people out of impulse before, to not suffer anymore. Hate is a very strong emotion, so I can see how it can be disheartening. Don't say anything you don't mean, but perhaps you should try to explain to him gently where you were coming from when you initially blocked him before you let him go. Explain to him how you were avoiding the suffering. He seems like he is dealing with darkness that's not of you. Perhaps he is looking for someone who understands him and won't push him away....but if he is bringing up something that happened a year ago (for the whole world to see) that's so trivial but the names called are so deeply rooted in hate.....he really really has a problem and i would definitely keep my distance and send him love and light from afar.

[Tomma]

Tiss you got a lot of good advice here àlready, I have nothing to add in that regard. This seems to be a major lesson for you and it looks like you are in the process of learning it. My feeling is from his side it may take a long long time for the hate to subside - decades I would guess. He does'nt seem balanced, keep your distance, otherwise you'll just fuel his hatred more.