Should you stay in a guarded relationship?

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Element 5

You're guarded by choice, because you let the past dictate your present, your future. You may not even realize that this choice may end up causing you to lose someone that you really do want to spend your life with. The problem is that you don't really take responsibility for the choice you made. Instead, you blame the people that hurt you...everything was only their fault and not yours. You were the victim and you don't want to be the victim this time...so you end up victimizing this new person that you want to love but keep a wall up for.

So, what is the other person to do? Everything has been talked about. You both know and acknowledge that it's the past that makes you guarded. Do you think the other person should stay and tough it out with you even though they aren't getting their needs met? Will you just blame them for leaving regardless of your role, regardless of the walls you put up? What is the person who wants to love you and share their life with you supposed to do in a relationship that blocks them out and makes them feel lonely and distant?

Hmm... When individuals act/operate in an unconscious manner - they do not at that time possess the awareness to clearly perceive and understand what is transpiring and why. They are in the dark about it. They continue to act and react without knowing why they are so inclined towards doing so in that manner. It is during this period that it is most difficult to create change and break the habitual patterns. However, it is the light of Awareness that illuminates that which previously resided in the darkness. Heightened awareness takes the wind out of the sails of a boat that was sailing in the wrong direction. Fears, insecurities, unconscious motives are exposed by the light and can now be acknowleddged, confronted, and processed in a manner that eventually brings about one's healing.

So these circumstances you describe above. I don't know which side of it you are on... But this does not come across as a hopeless situation or predicament. The individual who has so strongly by influenced by his/her past possesses the Awareness to see clearly what is transpiring, and why. This is the necessary and essential component that is required in order to progress forward and rise above that which was limiting oneself and causing this former turmoil. This is vital for the healing process to play out. But the individual needs to be a conscious participant and take action. He/she needs to have the willpower to drive that process. As opposed to clinging to the 'old' and 'familiar' out of the fear and uncertainty of change. If the individual who possesses this awareness is prepared to take action and do the inner-work, I really see the potential for substantial progress to unfold. This of course will improve relations not only with the other person in question - but with everyone. The reference to the one person choosing to stay and 'tough it out"... This would be a more appealing option if it was evident that the other individual was actively working towards his/her refinement and healing. A sign that things are moving in a positive direction - even if it's understood that this will be a slow, gradual process that will take time and patience....

[FairyCrystal]

It depends ... If that person doesn't work on their issues, the situation likely won't improve, so it may be really hard on the other person.

But .. you say that the hurt person blames the ex, victimized themselves etc. I know from experience that that needn't be the case at all. Even if you don't victimize yourself and have taken full responsibility for your part of what happened in the past, you still can have fears etc.
A relationship is about daring to be vulnerable, daring to open yourself up. Almost everyone finds that scary.

Apart from all that ... the other party won't be free from trauma either, after all, we all get whacked during life. So he brings his own past to the table, and his/her attitude, behaviour and reactions are based on that past.

In any case, in such scenarios communication is extremely important, even more so than it already is in less sensitive situations. The other person can help the guarded one to overcome their fear with love, patience and time.
Whether they will want to do that is up to them and their willingness to do so probably hinges on their own past experiences.

There is no one default script for this. Depends on too many different things.

[Somnia]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

The reference to the one person choosing to stay and 'tough it out"... This would be a more appealing option if it was evident that the other individual was actively working towards his/her refinement and healing. A sign that things are moving in a positive direction - even if it's understood that this will be a slow, gradual process that will take time and patience....

What are your thoughts on a situation where one person is becoming more spiritually awakened and working on improving their self, finding their way back to their true self, but the other person in the relationship seems stuck in a rut and is not working on their self...

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by somnia

What are your thoughts on a situation where one person is becoming more spiritually awakened and working on improving their self, finding their way back to their true self, but the other person in the relationship seems stuck in a rut and is not working on their self...

Complex situation I think we can agree...

I think to navigate to what you feel is the best course of action - you have to keep asking yourself the most difficult questions over an extended period of time, and then contemplating your most honest answers to those questions... The reason I say over an 'extended period of time' is that how you feel about these circumstances may very well be fluid, and evolving... So how you decide you feel at one point in time may not accurately capture your feelings and perception of the circumstances a little ways down the road... So it's best to feel this out over a period of time as opposed to trying to make any definitive determination 'right now'... I think your personal truth you will find yourself returning to time and time again - it will stand the test of time...

As far as some potential questions I would ask yourself and then spend time pondering the answers to:

- In what ways can I benefit from maintaining this relationship? Is there something more for me to learn here that will aid in my conscious growth & development? Some continued opportunity for self-expression which serves your higher interests?

- In what ways might the other individual benefit from both of you continuing to maintain this relationship? Is there something for him to gain from his ongoing exposure to you and continued interaction with you? Might your unfolding spiritual growth eventually come to serve as a source of positive influence in his life?

They tricky thing here is to make sure that you are not compromising your higher needs/interess for the sake of meeting/fulfilling someone else's needs.... Of course there is compromise within relationships, but you don't want it to rise to the level when you feel you are neglecting something important within you....

Something that has helped me in the past is a visual exercise that I use when thinking about complex life circumstances and decisions that were made (or need to be made).... What I envision is one of those ancient balancing scales, the ones with the suspended platters on either side... This:



Now let's say you have a difficult decision to make, or you had two options or scenarios to choose from... Imagine yourself placing the advantages and benefits of choosing one particular option or situation/scenario on one side of the scale - and placing the advantages/benefits of choosing the other option or situation/scenario on the other side of the scale. Then you try to perceive which side is going to afford you more of what you want in your life and what you hold to be most important...

For me, this visualization and contemplative exercise helps me to feel more comfortable with and accepting of certain sacrifices and compromises that need to be made - because I realize that my while I cannot get everything that I feel I would like, I can find acceptance and feel contement through realizing that I am able to make the best of the circumstances that have been afforded to me in this life.

Hope this helps in some way...

~WOLF

[Somnia]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Hope this helps in some way...

Indeed it did, very much so...

[Element 5]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Hmm... When individuals act/operate in an unconscious manner - they do not at that time possess the awareness to clearly perceive and understand what is transpiring and why. They are in the dark about it. They continue to act and react without knowing why they are so inclined towards doing so in that manner. It is during this period that it is most difficult to create change and break the habitual patterns. However, it is the light of Awareness that illuminates that which previously resided in the darkness. Heightened awareness takes the wind out of the sails of a boat that was sailing in the wrong direction. Fears, insecurities, unconscious motives are exposed by the light and can now be acknowleddged, confronted, and processed in a manner that eventually brings about one's healing.

So these circumstances you describe above. I don't know which side of it you are on... But this does not come across as a hopeless situation or predicament. The individual who has so strongly by influenced by his/her past possesses the Awareness to see clearly what is transpiring, and why. This is the necessary and essential component that is required in order to progress forward and rise above that which was limiting oneself and causing this former turmoil. This is vital for the healing process to play out. But the individual needs to be a conscious participant and take action. He/she needs to have the willpower to drive that process. As opposed to clinging to the 'old' and 'familiar' out of the fear and uncertainty of change. If the individual who possesses this awareness is prepared to take action and do the inner-work, I really see the potential for substantial progress to unfold. This of course will improve relations not only with the other person in question - but with everyone. The reference to the one person choosing to stay and 'tough it out"... This would be a more appealing option if it was evident that the other individual was actively working towards his/her refinement and healing. A sign that things are moving in a positive direction - even if it's understood that this will be a slow, gradual process that will take time and patience....

This is excellently put. I can see that the more he sees that I'm worthy of his trust, the more he is letting his guard down. So, I'm not sure how aware he is in terms of his past reactions to my feelings on some of his behavior. I felt like anytime I brought up something he'd done that bothered me he would immediately go on the defensive and even attack or be dishonest. I felt like he felt he could never be honest with me due to his mistrust of past relationships. I do think it will be a slow process, but I also think if I'm delicate with it, it could really be a great future.

[Element 5]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Complex situation I think we can agree...

I think to navigate to what you feel is the best course of action - you have to keep asking yourself the most difficult questions over an extended period of time, and then contemplating your most honest answers to those questions... The reason I say over an 'extended period of time' is that how you feel about these circumstances may very well be fluid, and evolving... So how you decide you feel at one point in time may not accurately capture your feelings and perception of the circumstances a little ways down the road... So it's best to feel this out over a period of time as opposed to trying to make any definitive determination 'right now'... I think your personal truth you will find yourself returning to time and time again - it will stand the test of time...

As far as some potential questions I would ask yourself and then spend time pondering the answers to:

- In what ways can I benefit from maintaining this relationship? Is there something more for me to learn here that will aid in my conscious growth & development? Some continued opportunity for self-expression which serves your higher interests?

- In what ways might the other individual benefit from both of you continuing to maintain this relationship? Is there something for him to gain from his ongoing exposure to you and continued interaction with you? Might your unfolding spiritual growth eventually come to serve as a source of positive influence in his life?

They tricky thing here is to make sure that you are not compromising your higher needs/interess for the sake of meeting/fulfilling someone else's needs.... Of course there is compromise within relationships, but you don't want it to rise to the level when you feel you are neglecting something important within you....

Something that has helped me in the past is a visual exercise that I use when thinking about complex life circumstances and decisions that were made (or need to be made).... What I envision is one of those ancient balancing scales, the ones with the suspended platters on either side... This:



Now let's say you have a difficult decision to make, or you had two options or scenarios to choose from... Imagine yourself placing the advantages and benefits of choosing one particular option or situation/scenario on one side of the scale - and placing the advantages/benefits of choosing the other option or situation/scenario on the other side of the scale. Then you try to perceive which side is going to afford you more of what you want in your life and what you hold to be most important...

For me, this visualization and contemplative exercise helps me to feel more comfortable with and accepting of certain sacrifices and compromises that need to be made - because I realize that my while I cannot get everything that I feel I would like, I can find acceptance and feel contement through realizing that I am able to make the best of the circumstances that have been afforded to me in this life.

Hope this helps in some way...

~WOLF

PERFECTLY PUT!

This is exactly what I have come to believe, but it did NOT start out this way. It took me learning to put my ego and expectations aside and seeing what I needed to learn from it. If he wasn't willing to evolve along with me however, I'm not sure how well we would be doing now. It took us breaking up twice and a few stints of not talking for days. Now, we have a better understanding of each other's expectations and he's opened up more so that I understand where he's coming from. Communication has to be there or it can't continue to progress in a healthy way.