Dream on the run with partner

[Tomma]

Originally Posted by Ladyrose92

Yes I just find it all exhausting, I would love to just hide away on my own but then I feel lonely or know I'm probably missing out on opportunities in life, connecting with people etc. They way I shield myself means the way I come across probably isn't very natural, which is interesting about the plastic bags as I wondered what that part meant, I was really paying that a lot of attention in the dream making sure it was secure and I folded them over the top of my socks that I put on top of the bags. I keep inside things I get the urge to say, I try to avoid people or being in intimate situations, I would probably say I avoid anything new unless I've planned it out and thought about it beforehand. New situations make me feel quiet anxious especially if its not going along with my preconceived 'plan'. I wish I could let go, I guess at the root its a fear of being rejected or hurt in some way so I hide who I am. I like how you say 'shielding yourself from others in an unnatural way', I've never thought of it that way before but that is true!

I'm glad I could contribute a little puzzle piece to your understanding of yourself.

I can relate a lot to what you and Michelle are discussing here. I'm in the same boat. Escapism, yes, I definitely do that. Suicidal ideation not so much but sometimes I wish I could just die and never come back here. I will watch those moments more closely from now on and see if I can identify the trigger(s) more clearly and where they come from. I fall apart emotionally when too much of "the world" (people, circumstances, noise, things to do, problems, things not working out etc) come at once and I feel overwhelmed. Then I panic that I can't do things according to my plans and up to my standard of quality. I feel I lose control and that scares me. I then will either get angry and fight or try to run and hide by being alone, cancelling appointments, getting sick, letting my husband deal with things, etc.

I will go and read that article now ..

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by Tomma

I'm glad I could contribute a little puzzle piece to your understanding of yourself.

I can relate a lot to what you and Michelle are discussing here. I'm in the same boat. Escapism, yes, I definitely do that. Suicidal ideation not so much but sometimes I wish I could just die and never come back here. I will watch those moments more closely from now on and see if I can identify the trigger(s) more clearly and where they come from. I fall apart emotionally when too much of "the world" (people, circumstances, noise, things to do, problems, things not working out etc) come at once and I feel overwhelmed. Then I panic that I can't do things according to my plans and up to my standard of quality. I feel I lose control and that scares me. I then will either get angry and fight or try to run and hide by being alone, cancelling appointments, getting sick, letting my husband deal with things, etc.

I will go and read that article now ..

i think what I got from the article is that we all try to escape one thing or another to varying degrees. My suicidal ideation really just being the extreme end of wanting to escape, avoid or distract myself from my fears and worries. I use to think depression and feeling suicidal was the problem itself that needed to be fixed but they are only symptoms of a problem, the brain's attempts to solve a problem it knows not else how to solve. Being suicidal is a backwards attempt at self preservation. In general though I spent all my time trying to fix how I was feeling instead of confronting what I was thinking. And to my surprise, when I finally started to focus on my thoughts, they turned out to be pretty transparent I just wasn't seeing it. You very well stated here exactly what thinking needs to be challenged. The idea of needing control and being perfect. It's all there plain as day ready for us to deal with once we stop distracting ourselves. But those distractions are old habits and conditioning that served to protect us so it takes time but you may have more self awareness than you know. It's just a matter of connecting the dots so to speak. Work on the fear of what will happen if you lose control or don't do things perfectly and the need to do those things will go away along with the intense stress and anxiety that comes with putting all that pressure on yourself. The pressure that is driving you to want to escape.

[Tomma]

Originally Posted by Michelle11

i think what I got from the article is that we all try to escape one thing or another to varying degrees. My suicidal ideation really just being the extreme end of wanting to escape, avoid or distract myself from my fears and worries. I use to think depression and feeling suicidal was the problem itself that needed to be fixed but they are only symptoms of a problem, the brain's attempts to solve a problem it knows not else how to solve. Being suicidal is a backwards attempt at self preservation. In general though I spent all my time trying to fix how I was feeling instead of confronting what I was thinking. And to my surprise, when I finally started to focus on my thoughts, they turned out to be pretty transparent I just wasn't seeing it. You very well stated here exactly what thinking needs to be challenged. The idea of needing control and being perfect. It's all there plain as day ready for us to deal with once we stop distracting ourselves. But those distractions are old habits and conditioning that served to protect us so it takes time but you may have more self awareness than you know. It's just a matter of connecting the dots so to speak. Work on the fear of what will happen if you lose control or don't do things perfectly and the need to do those things will go away along with the intense stress and anxiety that comes with putting all that pressure on yourself. The pressure that is driving you to want to escape.

Thank you Michelle. I have responded in more detail in the other thread so I don't highjack this one!