First love returns

[Le Faye]

Hi all,
I have a dilemma and I could use some advice/help please.
My current partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years now.
His first love has reconnected with him and has told him how she still loves him.
This relationship was 50 years ago.... yes 50....
She is making moves on him... he has not responded romantically BUT continues to chat to her via messenger. I have asked him to stop talking to her.
When we were first together he made me get rid of all my male acquaintances in my phone and watched as I did it. I didnt mind but now the shoe is on the other foot he refuses to do the same for me.
I do love him I just don't understand why he wont do as I ask.

Crikey! I think you need to remind him of the days he made you delete the males.... and tell him if he doesn't stop with this woman you'll jolly-well make new contact with yours if you can.

Why not? To me, it's fundamental in a relationship that both work to the same implicit or explicit ground rules. When this guy tied up with you he created an explicit rule - no room for ambiguity or misunderstanding.

I mean, fair's fair. Besides, his old flame claims she loves him but why come back after all this time? What's happened in her life? What is she really after? We all do a lot of "moving on" in 50 years i imagine so neither she nor he will be the same person. I mean. I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago, head full of teenage romances and stuff so...50 years?

Best of luck dealing with this. If your guy is worth YOUR keeping then he'll work to the rule he created!

[A human Being]

I think you need to ask him what his intentions are, why he's keeping in contact with her - are they just reconnecting in order to resolve something between them so that they can both finally move on, say, or is he actually interested in pursuing a relationship with her? I know that's not an easy conversation to have, but I think honest and open communication is important or else your relationship is going to suffer.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Le Faye

Hi all,
I have a dilemma and I could use some advice/help please.
My current partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years now.
His first love has reconnected with him and has told him how she still loves him.
This relationship was 50 years ago.... yes 50....
She is making moves on him... he has not responded romantically BUT continues to chat to her via messenger. I have asked him to stop talking to her.
When we were first together he made me get rid of all my male acquaintances in my phone and watched as I did it. I didnt mind but now the shoe is on the other foot he refuses to do the same for me.
I do love him I just don't understand why he wont do as I ask.

I would question why after 3 years together you cannot have a honest conversation about what's going on and clearly know the reason why he's still talking to her.

Yes, talking to her on messenger after she made it clear she's got feelings for him, it's a HUGE red flag.

Something's not right in there.

Originally Posted by A human Being

I think you need to ask him what his intentions are, why he's keeping in contact with her - are they just reconnecting in order to resolve something between them so that they can both finally move on, say, or is he actually interested in pursuing a relationship with her? I know that's not an easy conversation to have, but I think honest and open communication is important or else your relationship is going to suffer.

Well, I suppose I come over a bit bolshy but I reckon she should bite the bullet and next time she finds him messaging this old flame (a new twist on the Old Flame Theory...carry around some litmus paper!) - she should simply say, "I see you're talking to that girl again. I hope therefore you don't mind me resurrecting some of the men friends you asked me to delete when we got together."

Get straight to it. No prevarication, no hand-wringing, no histrionics. If he says "No, you can't." she knows what she has to do. However, he might just say, "Oh ok, why not?" in which case she knows what she might have to do.
I mean, the bloke is hardly a spring chicken. He should be capable of getting a grip at his age or face a break in trust and... well, for me, that would be that.
.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by A human Being

I think you need to ask him what his intentions are, why he's keeping in contact with her - are they just reconnecting in order to resolve something between them so that they can both finally move on, say, or is he actually interested in pursuing a relationship with her? I know that's not an easy conversation to have, but I think honest and open communication is important or else your relationship is going to suffer.

Agree.

I'd probably also subtly remind him that he was controlling towards you back in the day by demanding all male friends were refrained from being contacted and ask him what his thoughts are on this.

Ultimately, there's a reason he's speaking to her, and that needs investigating and dealing with appropriately, IMO.

[Raziel]

I'd go around him completely & tell her to back off.

Perhaps she is not aware that he's in a relationship but it seems like a stretch.

Another thing I'd do is check phones - it's a gamble but there are some warning signs here.

Emotional etiquette is not being respected by either of them & as you have already pointed out - he was quick enough to insist on some assurances, why can he not give the same back?

His first love is essentially the one that got away - screw whatever closure they have to work out it's long done.

You deserve some respect.

[Realm Ki]

- - - oh my - - - -

there are two separate issues here. please don't mix them up.

1) back in the day he asked her to remove her contacts.

was this right? no.
was it right to do it? no.

can it be used today? no.

let it go. it was in the past. can't be undone.
sadly seems the whole relationship is built on shaky grounds, when he has sat watching her do it...!

2) he is reconnecting with a female who is interested romantically. he has not responded. so he has been honest about this.

but you, the girl friend, feel threatended by him chatting with her, and want him to stop.

you get a lot of fear - that he will leave you? that he will disappoint you and flirt with her?
pride maybe? - why can he when I couldn't?
control - why does he not do as I ask?

here are tons of things for you to learn about yourself.

but you can never make another person do anything against their will - without it backfiring. so don't manipulate, force or threaten.

if you love him, talk to him. what is going on with him, what is important here, how does he feel, what is he remembering, how does it feel for him to have all these memories that the two of you can never fully share? (Im just making things up now, to examplify).

Focus on your life here and now. Stay in the moment, what you have together now. The good, the trust, the love, the freedom to be yourselves.

It is human to be flattered by attention from someone who is stating openly they are romantically interested - the sound response would be for him to distance himself, and to be very clear about where he is in his relationship.

Ask him, genuinly, what feelings he get from talking to her. And hold your jelousy, please, it's yours not his to carry.

yeah.

that's probably not gonna happen.

but i honestly wish you the best of luck.

[Nature Grows]

I think you have some good replys, I like A human beings post. What would I do? maybe what human being said... or I would wait and watch, if you know what is going on (him speaking to her) but they don't know you know then you can watch things, watch closely though and see what happends, it's like a test for your partner and once/if they betray you or you find something out, then you can bring it up with them and take it from there, apart of me if in this situation would want to see exactly what the partner would do, if you stop it you would never know, you know... and they would just act like they don't like the other person but they do, just to please you, the relationship becomes some what fake then.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

I think you have some good replys, I like A human beings post. What would I do? maybe what human being said... or I would wait and watch, if you know what is going on (him speaking to her) but they don't know you know then you can watch things, watch closely though and see what happends, it's like a test for your partner and once/if they betray you or you find something out, then you can bring it up with them and take it from there, apart of me if in this situation would want to see exactly what the partner would do, if you stop it you would never know, you know... and they would just act like they don't like the other person but they do, just to please you, the relationship becomes some what fake then.

To me the simple fact that he IS talking to her when she clearly stated she got feelings for him, says it all.

He has no respect for you, and either is getting a ego boost from this, showing no concern for his relationship, or either has got feelings for her.

Who knows, maybe they're twin flames reconnecting after 50 years and each other true love? There are plenty of stories like this.

And to me, a guy that would ask me to delete all contacts of my male friends, would receive a f*** off right on the face. True love has no conditions or demands.

That's controlling and abusive behaviour, and if you accepted that right at the beginning of the relationship, just means that the relationship already started off on shaky, untrustworthy and suspicious grounds. So, no wonder this is happening now (and I'm pretty sure many other things happened in between).

Either way, I think this this a test for you to stop focusing on "how much you love this guy", and focus on self-respect and LOVING YOURSELF.

This is not about controlling him, making demands or checking his phone. This is about you behaving like a mature adult and not a scary child. Ask him straight to his face what's going on, if he refuses to respond you better pack your things and get away from this toxic situation - this is called having BOUNDARIES.

And yes, this situation is toxic - anything that makes you feel bad is toxic and a big RED ALERT. But I'm glad you are here asking this question, it means you are waking up and seeing this guy without rose tinted glasses. I hope you move on and find someone who truly loves you.

Remember, men and relationships come and go, but the relationship and love you have with yourself lasts a lifetime.