Have you healed from sexual abuse?

[Compendium]

We could all sit here and repeat the "its not your fault mantra" and even though we all intellectually know this it is important to accept the side of yourself that takes responsibility for what happened and forgive yourself for what you did not do. Hindsight is 20/20 when we view the events through the eyes of an adult we can always see how we could have gotten out of the situation. The truth is we didnt have this foresight as children, we have to acknowledge the child within us and comfort that child and love that child and accept that the child is now safe. We need to get into the headspace of our inner child and view it through the eyes and intellect of the child.

When I was healing i asked adult questions that only hindsight gives us...why didnt I run, why didnt i fight, why didnt i lock the door etc. Then I went into the headspace of the child within to answer. I was scared, what if I couldnt run fast enough, i didnt lock the door because i thought i was safe, i didnt fight because i was terrified. Accepting those answers paved the way to forgive myself. Viewing the assaults strictly through an adult view point will only make it harder to heal you have to give your inner child a voice.

Namaste`

[linen53]

Regarding suicide.

I did commit suicide in a past life. When I got to the other side, no one was there to judge me or tell me I had done a bad thing.

But I was my worst judge. I was so very disappointing that I had gone through around 17 years of setting up a learning experience only to end it by committing suicide.

What does that mean? It means I didn't learn what I had come to learn. It meant I had to go through it all over again.

And I did go through it. I chose a family that would abuse me. Actually, there was more abuse than I signed up for and at one point I wasn't sure I could continue. But then a guardian angel or guide or whatever came and spoke with me.

He told me what would happen if I continued living. About my life, my future. He said if I decided to commit suicide it would be okay too. Then he left me to make my own decision. I decided to stay. And I am so very glad I did. Lesson(s) learned. I made it this time. It was hard. I can't deny that. It is still hard at times. More stuff keeps getting heaped up on me but I am going forward to the end. I will make it.

[Shivani Devi]

I have not been "healed" from sexual and physical trauma, ever since I came to the painful realisation...quite recently in fact, that there isn't anything anybody else can actually DO about it.

Everything must come from within yourself and others may try and facilitate this internal healing, but if their facilitation methods don't apply on an individual level, it is a total waste of time.

Being spiritual, I also understand that whatever happened to me did so for a reason and I shouldn't allow myself to question that reason or play the 'victim role' in all this, because the past will always keep holding me back from just allowing things to be as they are and to move on with loving forgiveness.

There is no doubt that what happens in the past influences the present and what will happen in future is also influenced by the present...In much the same way that our "past lives" influence this life and this life will influence future lives. It is how we react in the moment which counts.

After a long and very indepth discussion with my Higher Self, it was made clear to me that a "past life" doesn't necessarily mean a separate existence apart from "this" life. We can have many "past lives" and many "future lives" within one incarnation, as everything is constantly changing. Every seven years, we get a whole new body and brain and every experience can alter our past recollections or shape future ones.

Unfortunately, what has happened did, but it happened to somebody else, at a different time...and this is in no way me living in denial, or not facing up to my emotions or the incidence of abuse, because in my case, I have already spent many years doing that and it got me nowhere...only strengthening the association my mind and emotions had with the initial abuse in the first place and keeping me firmly locked in the "poor abused me" mindset that I had to break out of...which I am currently doing.

I wish you all the best and seeing as how we cannot change the past, all we can do is to take steps to ensure a much brighter and happier future.

[Compendium]

Linen i toocommitted suicide, but in my most recent past life. I have this odd scar in the roof of my mouth. It has been there ever since I can remember. I often trace it with my tongue. Last week I realized it was because I shot myself in my last life. I chose a particularly difficult path as I am repeating it now. I can understand why I did it as I almost did it again this time too. My poor guides must have been beside themselves. My dog intervened this time around though. I am happy I stuck around because it got much better. I can also see where I chose this path and that it would be in my nature to volunteer for this.

[linen53]

Yeah, I almost didn't make it this time around too. And I chose a very difficult life as well. I am so very thankful I am still here.

[Compendium]

Linin do you mind if I PM you?

[linen53]

Originally Posted by Compendium

Linin do you mind if I PM you?

Absolutely. PM away.

[Unseelie Queen]

I thought I had, but as it turns out, I am not. It still manifests in the form of irrational fear, hyper-vigilance and panic attacks (and possibly in the dreams I have lately where I am in my room, but out of my body, pacing around near a doorway wailing in fear as I am attacked by an unknown force). I feel that the pain and memories are still very tightly coiled and locked deep in my subconscious and in my body as well. I may have released some of it recently but there's quite a lot still there.

I sort of subscribe to the belief that traumatic events can fragment your soul/cause a degree of soul loss, so I'm not sure if one can fully heal while still in a heavily fragmented state spiritually. (My current state is so dire that it literally feels as though there's a shell version of me wandering around lost and howling in pain and confusion. It's a really eerie and unpleasant feeling)

[Compendium]

Unseelie I felt very near the same. As if some fragmented version of myself was somewhere else except my fragment was the me I used to be an I was the broken one. I thought I had been irrevocably changed to never again be who I was before. The panic attacks and hypervigilance was bad enough, but then came the nightmares. The nightmares made me violent to sleep near. I wake with claw marks on my face neck and shoulders from fighting in my sleep. My body no longer releases the paralytic needed to keep you safe while you dream. I also wake up 2 or 3 times a night. If I was in the house by myself I had every light on the dogs in my room the door locked and I would sit in the farthest corner of my room with the largest knife in the house. That was then.

Now... I still scratch myself in my sleep usually across my face thank goodness they dont leave scars, but they do bleed and it takes awhile to heal. I still wake up 2 or 3 times a night, but the panic has subsided after 20 yrs and so has the hypervigilance. I am still jumpy sometimes, but it is nice to be able to just sit and relax without the "how do I defend myself with what is around me". I also dont think about it anymore really and I am able to talk about it. When before it was like my brain kept forcing it into my headspace and I couldnt kick it out it. Once it started i had to go through it. Now though I can talk about it and I can say I am a survivor of sexual assault and I dont get the garbage in my head.

I feel for you sweety I know where you are I have been there too. Healing comes from within my biggest difficulty was accepting it really wasnt my fault and understanding why I didnt react this way or that way. Once I could understand that I was able to move past it. I hope you are able to get there and if you ever need to talk my PMs are always open.

Sending you Love,
Namaste`

[linen53]

I'd say I was the lucky one here Compendium and Unseelie because my personality split and the bad parts were locked away for 30 years before I began remembering my past. Those personalities that hold the memories of abuse are still theirs tho I share them now. I learned to be the mother for those personalities that still reside in me, though they are mostly sleeping now.