Twin constantly pushing and pulling me

[stinkerbell]

Sorry for the long post! Looking for some advice guidance. My TF and I have have recently separated. About 3 weeks ago he moved out of state.

It is one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever experienced. I am wondering how others cope. Before he left we communicated often, hundreds of texts back and forth, saw each other every chance. He has expressed that he didn't want to communicate at that level after leaving.

But when I communicate less per his request, it seem to irrate him too.

*I am having a difficult time with this tight rope he wants me to walk. I told him numerous times that I am not going to fight him for him. And I mean that. If he wants to run he can run.

*But when I pull away he reacts. By which I mean if I haven't said anything by a certain point in the day or if I keep conversation breif, I can tell it upsets him, even though that is what he has asked for! Sometimes he will try to engage me in conversation *when I have been extra quiet. And because I care and I don't want push him away, I respond. I wouldn't want to hurt him or be rude. And I can feel him regardless. So *I practice being affectionate and light hearted with him to the best of my ability in these circumstances. We can always read each anyway even at a distance, so we are both very aware of how the other is feeling pretending like I don't want to hear from him would be fake and I know he picks up on it immediately. We know each other far too well.

*It's like he wants affirmation of some kind, because he will go right back to being less responsive once I take the bait and engage with him. It's so draining. I just want to pull away. I am done holding on too tight to him. He doesn't like it if I communicated too much, and he doesn't like it if I pull away either. He spins me in circles. He wants space to have time with other people, which is fine by me, but it's at my expense so why won't he just let me go? *I understand that's want he wants, and where as once I fought it, I will not any longer.

The pain is not going to go away. I already know this. But I do not see how constantly walking this tight rope is helping. He is the one in complete control and he likes it that way. It feels so unfair. When he wants me and my attention he expects me to appear and engage, but all on his terms. The rest of the time he wants to ignore me. I don't understand what either of us gain in this. I am sick of him pushing me away with one hand and pulling me close with the other. I am totally over it. He is welcome to a life far away with other people. I even helped him with this desire for this new life, by helping him find a job and new apartment in another state, assisting with removing all the obstacles that I could. I helped him get the things he wanted even though it meant leaving me behind. Before he left he said he would make an effort to express that he missed me or be overtly affectionate, because while it's not in his nature, I have expressed to him that it is what would help me to feel secure early on while he was far away. He has neglected to do that. But I have still tried to be supportive. I know he is not coming back. I need him to acknowledge it too. He is already breaking promises to me, which is something he never use to do. Since he left he has taken to skipping over things that I say in conversation that he doesn't want to deal with. Something he never did before. So I have taken to not telling him how sad I am.

Our connection is a complicated one, our obstacles are not easy ones to over come.

But the connection is something completely different and undeniable.

I would like to know, why he doesn't just let me fade away...? Why does he insist on spinning me in circles? I know I can never fully escape him, it feels like he knows it too and uses it against me. He is fully entitled to live his life his way, with the people he wants. I respect that. But I am not a play thing that he can pick up and put down as he sees fit. On the other hand I know I cannot escape him. We can anticipate each other, and that's not going to fade. Even if I had zero further interactions with him, I won't be rid of these feelings and the pain I am confident about that.

If anyone has had a similar experience, I would welcome some guidance on how to navigate this because it's tearing me apart.

Argh. And just as I get ready to post this. He messages me. He always seems to know when I am about to go quiet. It's maddening!

[Heart]

Originally Posted by stinkerbell

Sorry for the long post! Looking for some advice guidance. My TF and I have have recently separated. About 3 weeks ago he moved out of state.

It is one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever experienced. I am wondering how others cope. Before he left we communicated often, hundreds of texts back and forth, saw each other every chance. He has expressed that he didn't want to communicate at that level after leaving.

But when I communicate less per his request, it seem to irrate him too.

*I am having a difficult time with this tight rope he wants me to walk. I told him numerous times that I am not going to fight him for him. And I mean that. If he wants to run he can run.

*But when I pull away he reacts. By which I mean if I haven't said anything by a certain point in the day or if I keep conversation breif, I can tell it upsets him, even though that is what he has asked for! Sometimes he will try to engage me in conversation *when I have been extra quiet. And because I care and I don't want push him away, I respond. I wouldn't want to hurt him or be rude. And I can feel him regardless. So *I practice being affectionate and light hearted with him to the best of my ability in these circumstances. We can always read each anyway even at a distance, so we are both very aware of how the other is feeling pretending like I don't want to hear from him would be fake and I know he picks up on it immediately. We know each other far too well.

*It's like he wants affirmation of some kind, because he will go right back to being less responsive once I take the bait and engage with him. It's so draining. I just want to pull away. I am done holding on too tight to him. He doesn't like it if I communicated too much, and he doesn't like it if I pull away either. He spins me in circles. He wants space to have time with other people, which is fine by me, but it's at my expense so why won't he just let me go? *I understand that's want he wants, and where as once I fought it, I will not any longer.

The pain is not going to go away. I already know this. But I do not see how constantly walking this tight rope is helping. He is the one in complete control and he likes it that way. It feels so unfair. When he wants me and my attention he expects me to appear and engage, but all on his terms. The rest of the time he wants to ignore me. I don't understand what either of us gain in this. I am sick of him pushing me away with one hand and pulling me close with the other. I am totally over it. He is welcome to a life far away with other people. I even helped him with this desire for this new life, by helping him find a job and new apartment in another state, assisting with removing all the obstacles that I could. I helped him get the things he wanted even though it meant leaving me behind. Before he left he said he would make an effort to express that he missed me or be overtly affectionate, because while it's not in his nature, I have expressed to him that it is what would help me to feel secure early on while he was far away. He has neglected to do that. But I have still tried to be supportive. I know he is not coming back. I need him to acknowledge it too. He is already breaking promises to me, which is something he never use to do. Since he left he has taken to skipping over things that I say in conversation that he doesn't want to deal with. Something he never did before. So I have taken to not telling him how sad I am.

Our connection is a complicated one, our obstacles are not easy ones to over come.

But the connection is something completely different and undeniable.

I would like to know, why he doesn't just let me fade away...? Why does he insist on spinning me in circles? I know I can never fully escape him, it feels like he knows it too and uses it against me. He is fully entitled to live his life his way, with the people he wants. I respect that. But I am not a play thing that he can pick up and put down as he sees fit. On the other hand I know I cannot escape him. We can anticipate each other, and that's not going to fade. Even if I had zero further interactions with him, I won't be rid of these feelings and the pain I am confident about that.

If anyone has had a similar experience, I would welcome some guidance on how to navigate this because it's tearing me apart.

Argh. And just as I get ready to post this. He messages me. He always seems to know when I am about to go quiet. It's maddening!

Hello and welcome to SF

I have highlighted in bold the key to understanding your situation.. if you allow your heart to be strung along by another they/he/her will flex that control over you, it is human nature ( cruel as it may seem) to take over anothers inner space just because they can.

these connections are extremely intimate, fragile, and intense, so when you connect to someone you are allowing yourself to be open to the energy of anothers intentions.. be these intentions good or bad, right or wrong.

you set yourself free by acknowledging your own heart is the center of your inner temple and nought but love may dare enter in.

he is still learning to manage his own energy, as yet he has to "borrow" your energy in order to sustain the connection you have with him, just bear in mind everything about a twin flame is the transference and balance of energy between two compatible polarities, ie male and female.

I have gone through hell and back many times over when going through what you are describing. I can tell you now with absolute certainty.... you can resolve this

[Eternal Flame]

There is some similarities in my TF connection. She's the divine masculine though and I'm divine feminine. So it matches up, just genders reversed.

The Katy Perry song 'Hot and Cold' is similar.

My Twin looks like Katy Perry, so the film clip resonates with me. Even though I am her character int he song! ha ha!

I'm seeing her on Thursday and will talk some things out.

I'm just trying to settle on some sort of workable friendship/relationship rules. So my heart isn't constantly tossed about.

[stinkerbell]

It's comforting to know someone else has some sense of what I am talking about. So thank you!

[Clover]

Originally Posted by heart

you set yourself free by acknowledging your own heart is the center of your inner temple and nought but love may dare enter in

Lovely said, Heart.

[Heart]

Originally Posted by stinkerbell

It's comforting to know someone else has some sense of what I am talking about. So thank you!

you are in the right place to know and speak to others with whom you can share your experiences, it may take a while for you to fine tune your way through the life changing experiences these connections often give, in exchange you can only but grow from them or struggle to come to terms with having a TF with whom you find a bit overpowering...

just look at these connections as endless flowing of energy, they act and move like water yet in the form of energy, when you first see your true identity it is the energy behind the image you are witnessing, another person with whom you connect via a twin flame experience is but a reflection of your inner divinity

when you fall in love with this person you are falling in love with your inner space.
when you connect with this person you connect with your inner space

when you reject the connection (does not matter the reason) you reject your own inner space

let your inner space reflect the light that shines in your heart and "let go" the shadows that trick and play your hearts desire to know itself, then.... he....

will change his energy towards you because you are finding peace within your own heart without his intervention

[Heart]

Originally Posted by Clover

Lovely said, Heart.

Namaste. thank you Clover

[jro5139]

Originally Posted by stinkerbell

Sorry for the long post! Looking for some advice guidance. My TF and I have have recently separated. About 3 weeks ago he moved out of state.

It is one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever experienced. I am wondering how others cope. Before he left we communicated often, hundreds of texts back and forth, saw each other every chance. He has expressed that he didn't want to communicate at that level after leaving.

But when I communicate less per his request, it seem to irrate him too.

*I am having a difficult time with this tight rope he wants me to walk. I told him numerous times that I am not going to fight him for him. And I mean that. If he wants to run he can run.

*But when I pull away he reacts. By which I mean if I haven't said anything by a certain point in the day or if I keep conversation breif, I can tell it upsets him, even though that is what he has asked for! Sometimes he will try to engage me in conversation *when I have been extra quiet. And because I care and I don't want push him away, I respond. I wouldn't want to hurt him or be rude. And I can feel him regardless. So *I practice being affectionate and light hearted with him to the best of my ability in these circumstances. We can always read each anyway even at a distance, so we are both very aware of how the other is feeling pretending like I don't want to hear from him would be fake and I know he picks up on it immediately. We know each other far too well.

*It's like he wants affirmation of some kind, because he will go right back to being less responsive once I take the bait and engage with him. It's so draining. I just want to pull away. I am done holding on too tight to him. He doesn't like it if I communicated too much, and he doesn't like it if I pull away either. He spins me in circles. He wants space to have time with other people, which is fine by me, but it's at my expense so why won't he just let me go? *I understand that's want he wants, and where as once I fought it, I will not any longer.

The pain is not going to go away. I already know this. But I do not see how constantly walking this tight rope is helping. He is the one in complete control and he likes it that way. It feels so unfair. When he wants me and my attention he expects me to appear and engage, but all on his terms. The rest of the time he wants to ignore me. I don't understand what either of us gain in this. I am sick of him pushing me away with one hand and pulling me close with the other. I am totally over it. He is welcome to a life far away with other people. I even helped him with this desire for this new life, by helping him find a job and new apartment in another state, assisting with removing all the obstacles that I could. I helped him get the things he wanted even though it meant leaving me behind. Before he left he said he would make an effort to express that he missed me or be overtly affectionate, because while it's not in his nature, I have expressed to him that it is what would help me to feel secure early on while he was far away. He has neglected to do that. But I have still tried to be supportive. I know he is not coming back. I need him to acknowledge it too. He is already breaking promises to me, which is something he never use to do. Since he left he has taken to skipping over things that I say in conversation that he doesn't want to deal with. Something he never did before. So I have taken to not telling him how sad I am.

Our connection is a complicated one, our obstacles are not easy ones to over come.

But the connection is something completely different and undeniable.

I would like to know, why he doesn't just let me fade away...? Why does he insist on spinning me in circles? I know I can never fully escape him, it feels like he knows it too and uses it against me. He is fully entitled to live his life his way, with the people he wants. I respect that. But I am not a play thing that he can pick up and put down as he sees fit. On the other hand I know I cannot escape him. We can anticipate each other, and that's not going to fade. Even if I had zero further interactions with him, I won't be rid of these feelings and the pain I am confident about that.

If anyone has had a similar experience, I would welcome some guidance on how to navigate this because it's tearing me apart.

Argh. And just as I get ready to post this. He messages me. He always seems to know when I am about to go quiet. It's maddening!

When I was in a friendship with my twin, he did many of the things you talk about. Wanting to talk for hours one day and telling me to message him anytime, then when I would message him a few days later, he would say he didn't want to communicate that much. When we did talk, he tried to dictate what I was allowed to talk about. It is their way of trying to control the connection. At some point, they will have to learn that these connections are not something we can control. We ended up stuck, with him trying to control and me allowing it, that is why when things did blow up between us, I feel it was necessary and needed. I have come to realize that when I feel guided to say something, there's a reason, it's something that needs to happen. Trust your instincts and trust that what happens, happens for your growth and his, even the seemingly bad things.

[stinkerbell]

Mostly I am trying to not get ahead of myself.

Yesterday, he deceived me. Initially, it was my gut that told me so, and then it was 100% confirmed. I didn't directly confront it with him though because I don't think it will be useful right now. I did remind him to not disrespect my trust in him but in a gentle way.

He has done this before, and we worked through it, he had promised never to do this again. In the past, he has told me half truths about what he is doing, where he is, or with whom. He has framed it as either saving me from knowing things that might hurt me or that I somehow force him into being deceitful. Neither of which is true. Sometimes it is a little thing like letting me believe he is in one place when he is really in another. He might say I was at say Starbucks, but he would leave out that he was actually at Starbucks an hour away on a date. Of course, the connection being what it is, it comes to my attention that what he is saying is not accurate, and by that, I do not mean that I go looking for the information at all. He said he does not want to hurt my feelings. Which makes no sense to me. Our connection is not a romantic one. I do not care who he spends time with. I just want him to not deceive me about it. I have never reacted or been upset with this, only with this disrespecting me by lying, but he seems to have trouble separating the two things despite my reassurances. Also when he is into someone new he tends to completely drop off the face of the earth.

He will often frame things as if this as for my own good like it is saving my feelings somehow (though I have no idea how). He will often make choices and decisions that affect both of us, without any input from me. He has all these rules that he wants me to play by. Just me no one else in his life. And he just randomly adds them.

He also says that he values his privacy, which I know to be true and he often wants to hide his romantic/sex life from the people around him.He says that it is not that he is ashamed of it at all, just that he wants his privacy.? I have assured him over and over that he doesn't need to feel that way around me. I accept him fully for who he is. Actually, I think, I accept him more fully then he will accept himself. He says that is not the case, but I cannot understand his logic then.

Similarly, he and I have some very deep conversation with his consent. But recently he has started to say that I have overstepped and taken things that are meant for some future spouse made him share things he did not want to. I point out that he has free will, and he has displayed the ability to use it with me many times, but he will not address that part. He has erected walls between us where there were none before.

He'll say things like I am the closest person to him, and then he'll pull away and say that's not the case and that I read far too much into his words. Most of this "taking back" has happened the last few months before his recent departure. I do not understand it. He says that deep friendship is not something he needs in his life at all. And that our interactions are more about my needs, not his. But when I attempt to pull away a little, he reacts and will not let me.
I am tired of being pushed and pulled. I cannot make him value what he does not.

For my part, I am trying to remember that I am a couple of years older. I have lived a harsher childhood, traveled more and just generally seen more of the world. With that in mind, I am trying despite myself to give him space and time to do these things too. I know can not cut this connection out of my existence and nor do I want to. But right now I would like it to take a back seat in my life for a while, so I can work on my things. I tried to tell him that last night, that with all the new things he has going on right now maybe it would be good for me to fade a little bit. But he didn't want that, he wants to keep me in place....just on his terms.

For all the wonderful aspects of this connection and all the value it brings, it sure is a lot of hard work. I cannot for the life of me figure out why so many people wish to have it!

[jro5139]

ha ha.. they wish to have it because they fancy it to be some sort of instant romance, which seems to rarely be what it actually is. Online, it is super romanticized, which doesn't help.
My twin did a lot of what you talk about, deceiving, hiding things, began breaking promises where he never did before, making up rules that changed day to day, wanting everything to be on his terms, which also changed day to day... I know your frustration.
Whether or not, you choose to keep him in your life is up to you. For me, I finally realized that a true friendship can't exist without honesty from both parties. Sadly, even when I called him on his stuff and confronted him on what he had hid, he couldn't be honest about it. It caused the demise of our friendship. They want to hang on to us, but at the same time, keep us at bay so they can try to control the connection on their terms.
Even now that we're in a real separation (without any communication) the push/pull remains. When I put my walls up and didn't interact, he reacted in the 3D as well as pulled and pushed on me hard core. When I engage, I feel the connection so strong it can be overwhelming, or at least, inconvenient. Don't let him make you feel like you pushed him into sharing, as you said, he had free will to decide. He just feels uncomfortable with what he shared because it makes him realize how deep the connection is. Then they try to backtrack so they can down-play it. It's not an easy thing to go through or deal with, and yes it's hard work, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.