How to let go of expectations?

[MicroMacro]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

But if expectations are wrong, how can I stop expecting these silly things from the people I love?

First, I would change the word wrong to unhelpful sometimes. I understand that you're talking about loved ones, but sometimes I think it's appropriate to have expectations of them. I expect certain family members to follow through on specific obligations and vice versa - I'm held accountable for some things. That's how we work together in harmony. We communicate these things regularly.

It looks like you're talking more about not having expectations as a way to prevent future suffering because you recognize that - while it's one thing for you to expect something - you're still powerless over it. And detachment is a good word! It's meaty and hearty and when you recognize how and when to use it - it's a lovely tool.

I think one way for you to learn detachment is for you to want detachment more than you want your expectations to be met.

It's about practice and recognizing that you are powerless over other people, situations, and events.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by Melahin

Here is the deal: there is no outer world, nothing outside you that can fix you. There is only you and what you draw in through the completion of your beingness. So the more you acknowledge the beauty in your self, the more others will acknowledge it. The more you love your self, the more others will show you love. It is all about you and how you relate to yourself. When you relate in a wholesome way to your inner world, your outer experience will be whole, and in that it will fully live up to your every expectations.

You sound like me...''here's the deal'...and what you said.

[linen53]

Lol, just thought of a good example.

Spiritual Forums is a real harbanger for expectations. When I first joined I'd get really agitated when my posts or opinions were ignored. Over time, I learned that it was nothing personal. Now when I post, I go in check to see if I got a response from my post, if so I answer back and if not, I shrug my shoulders and move on. I've learned it's nothing personal. It's just that it didn't ring a bell with anyone who read it. No biggie.

[Carnate]

Originally Posted by linen53

Lol, just thought of a good example.

Spiritual Forums is a real harbanger for expectations. When I first joined I'd get really agitated when my posts or opinions were ignored. Over time, I learned that it was nothing personal. Now when I post, I go in check to see if I got a response from my post, if so I answer back and if not, I shrug my shoulders and move on. I've learned it's nothing personal. It's just that it didn't ring a bell with anyone who read it. No biggie.

Sorry.. couldn't help but read 'Harbanger' and go..
Obviously you meant this: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2...il-recipe.html

[linen53]

Sorry, "harbinger", lol.

[Paige Ignited]

“Time” – When you’re done with banging your head against a brick wall because of your expectations of someone, usually does the trick.

[Visitor]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

Expectations are root cause of suffering. Indeed. But it seems so hard to not expect anything at all. When we love someone so much, it's natural to want to be loved back. When we do something good for someone close, it's natural for us to want at least acknowledgement (and not being taken for granted). If we prioritize someone, sometimes we can't help but want to hold the same importance in their life, too. But if expectations are wrong, how can I stop expecting these silly things from the people I love?

Hello hellabomber.
Expectations are investments in the hope of maintaining self-esteem. If they do not bring interest then we grieve over our lost investment.

Unfortunately, such investments, particularly in relationships, are put into place by a deceptive form of exploitation, such as emotional blackmail. It is a dishonest investment/expectation.
In other words it is conditional form of expectation. It has nothing to do with unconditional love.

So whenever I get feelings of lost investment I simply search my truth in this matter to discover my deception. As soon as I see it is as soon as I can let it go.

[lilith]

Originally Posted by Visitor

Hello hellabomber.
Expectations are investments in the hope of maintaining self-esteem. If they do not bring interest then we grieve over our lost investment.

Unfortunately, such investments, particularly in relationships, are put into place by a deceptive form of exploitation, such as emotional blackmail. It is a dishonest investment/expectation.
In other words it is conditional form of expectation. It has nothing to do with unconditional love.

So whenever I get feelings of lost investment I simply search my truth in this matter to discover my deception. As soon as I see it is as soon as I can let it go.

I love this. I've been thinking something like it, but forgot to write it immediately so it was gone. Visitor, can't expectations just be hope? Only hope. Not investment. You're talking about dishonest irresponsible self-deceptive conditional investment/expectation. Why do we grieve even if we love freely and unconditionally? Because it isn't mutually unconditional so that is reflected back to us?

[Visitor]

Hello lilith.
My words in blue

Originally Posted by lilith

I love this. I've been thinking something like it, but forgot to write it immediately so it was gone. Visitor, can't expectations just be hope? Only hope. Not investment. You're talking about dishonest irresponsible self-deceptive conditional investment/expectation.
To expect an outcome requires some investment, no matter how subtle it is. You will know if a hope carries any investment when the hope does not manifest and you feel any form/subtly of disappointment. Even an 'Oh well."

Why do we grieve even if we love freely and unconditionally?
We may feel sorrow for someone in pain or some other thing we can identify with. This type of grieving is not necessarily linked to personal loss of investment. Though it still could be.
However, if our love was unconditional, then our love for that person would still be unconditional and still there. It is not lost because the love solely comes from within us, and not in kind.

Because it isn't mutually unconditional so that is reflected back to us?
That is an interesting way to put it. That is, the conditions put on it could be reflected back inversely. Such as, 'if I love you I expect love in return. But if my invested love gets no return, I will feel unloved and used for me love.'
But the truth is, there was no real love, it was conditional. In other words, it was an exploitative act for affection.

[lilith]

Originally Posted by Visitor

Hello lilith.
My words in blue

Thank you Visitor.
What if unconditional love is forever there, because it is in us. But I set up a boundary (condition) because I'm doing all the giving and the other is taking... I did exploitative act for affection? Unconditional love and self-respect are mutually exclusive?