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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #1  
Old 13-06-2016, 05:09 PM
ForeverRestless ForeverRestless is offline
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Exclamation Oh, today it hurts.

I feel like I've been on the up and up for a couple months now, I haven't been posting here as much, I've been much happier in my own life, and I haven't been feeling the "pull" of TF. But today it feels like there's a gaping hole that cannot be filled. A lot has happened in a few days.

On Friday I went over to hang out with an old boyfriend. We broke up like six years ago but have always stayed close. We have a weird relationship, mostly because he is nostalgic like me. We drank wine and listened to music, and ended up making out. It didn't get particularly sexual, mostly because I don't feel comfortable getting sexual with people anymore after TF. But it was weird in several ways. I was definitely drunk and kind of in a daze from the wine and the energy of making out. I wasn't actively thinking about anything, but twice in the night I had this sharp pain when I felt the presence of my TF and it hurt. I almost cried a couple times and had to hold it in because I was with someone I wouldn't be able to explain the pain to. It's not that I was thinking of and missing TF, it was like I could FEEL him. Or that I was supposed to be intimate with him instead of my ex-boyfriend. It feels so wrong being with anyone else, and after something like 9 months of not being touched in an intimate way, it was strange. There was something familiar about the experience but foreign. I feel like I've grown beyond so much after knowing my TF and it's impossible to go backward. Nothing feels the same as it used to. Making out with any other guys feels empty. I keep trying to move on but it seems impossible.

Which brings me to another incident from this weekend. On Saturday I was home and trying to nurse my hangover, and I was watching Netflix. I started watching one program and got bored, so I started clicking around to see what other movies I had not completed watching. One was a documentary, and not 10 minutes into my viewing, this documentary mentioned the very film my TF and I watched together on one of our first nights in each other's company. As I've told on the forum before, we didn't really watch the movie because we couldn't stop talking to each other. We looked up and it was 4 a.m. I've never watched the movie again since then, but feel like I will one day. I turn over in my head whether I'd tell him when I finally watched it or not. Fear grips me, wondering about if he'd even answer my message. I get freaked out and retreat again.

So I start poking around on Instagram and I make a discovery than really messed with me pretty bad for the rest of Saturday. Apparently back in March, TF launched a new music project. This means a lot, because he was in a very bad place, mentally/emotionally/psychologically when we ceased talking, and he said he couldn't even play his instruments correctly. I remember one of the things him saying to me near the end is how I inspired him to finally take up music again (we are both big creatives and music enthusiasts) and how excited he was to start again, how it would be good for him. He said he planned to restart the band with his best friend. That apparently didn't come to fruition, but a year after we last talked, he apparently launched this new project. An album, basically. A solo project. His own outlet for creative expression. While I'm so proud of him and happy for him, it hurt me deeply that I was not able to be there for him during this journey. His girlfriend has been. She's the one he's bouncing ideas off of and coming to for support. It cuts me to the core.

It was hard also not to draw conclusions and try to read into what he is doing with this album. His bio says he cannot sleep at night so he plays music. It says that he wrote all of the songs in 2015 (the year he and i met and obviously the hardest time for me in separation). The album cover is in English (my language), rather than in the language of his own country. It's hard to explain this without giving too much away, but the album title is a reference to a unit of measurement not typically used in his own country (but used in mine), and it suggests things like travel, things foreign. The album cover art is an airplane flying through the sky (and he's afraid of flying). I sort of broke down seeing all of this, also seeing that he DEBUTED the songs—in an acoustic capacity—on the 1-year anniversary of the last time he and I communicated. It was freaky. Why all the coincidences? Why is it so easy for me to make it about ME? Am I being egotistic?

He plays under an alias (not his real name), and it's an alias that he claims his friends use for him, but I've never heard it. That made me feel isolated and in the dark about who he is or what his life is really about. That hurt. It also drove home the point of why I never react to his name (and it is moderately common), although I react to everything else. He does not identify with his name. He said he felt like he was supposed to be born with a different name, and honestly I cannot argue. Maybe this alias is his way of taking on a new identity. His true identity.

The music on the solo album is also the kind I listen to. That floored me a bit. He doesn't typically listen to the same kind of music as me. It made me realize we are more alike than I've been thinking. I don't know if I can hear these songs. What if they're just made-up stories, about pretend relationships. What if they're about me? What if they're about his girlfriend? What if I cannot handle it? What if his girlfriend feels like some of the songs are about another woman, but he doesn't say who, he just says it's a made up character? I can't imagine what she thinks or what I would feel if I heard these songs, but what if I NEED to to know what's going on in his heart? I'm confused. The album comes out this month apparently, although I only just now learned about it.

Then Sunday I went on a very long walk with one of my friends who I hadn't seen in a while. She just broke up with her boyfriend of two years and when I was going through my trauma with TF after the separation last year, she was too caught up in her relationship to really hear me or understand. I finally told her the story (without saying anything about TFs, of course), and she felt so strongly that I needed to talk to him (TF). That what we had was extraordinary and there's no way he can't think of me every day and love me. It's hard. Because I still feel like I'm not ready. To face the rejection he might offer. Or to be confronted with the possibility of some relationship and not be ready to pursue it, because of money, maturity, issues, logistics, etc. To be right back where TF and I started with having too many impediments to move forward.

But I want so much to know him, to talk to him, to support him. But he has a girlfriend, and it's not my place. And my mind swirls with concerns and worries. What if he hates me? What if he never wants to talk to me again? What if he forgot I exist? Could he ever forget that I exist? Could he ever forget what we had? I told my friend about this album and how it's basically impossible for a human to have an experience like we did, then write an album afterward and not have it influence the lyrics at least a little. Something on that album is going to be about me, and I don't know if I can handle hearing what he thinks. What if he had a single night of anger and wrote an angry song about me? Things like that. It's just very overwhelming. I go so back and forth in my mind that I'm overcome with fear of all the possible outcomes of talking to him or admitting to him how much I still love him and want to be there for him. My fear paralyzes me and makes me stay silent. And he's not contacting me either, so we're stuck in this stalemate.

I realize I need to overcome the fear. The need to have him react positively. Any expectation. I talk to myself about this and then I realize how far I have to go before I won't fear his response, maybe three or four years of personal growth. That thought in itself confirms I'll remain silent for at least several years. And what if he gets married during that time? Which is another fear. My fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want to overcome this, but when I think about the time needed to overcome this, I just shut down. I pull away even more. And I was the one who spoke the last words... the ball was in his court. He obviously didn't want to reestablish contact with me, and after all, did he have anything new to offer? No. He still didn't have the means or the will to start a relationship across continents. He told me he preferred to pursue things in his old life, close to home, and he let us go. I let him let me go. When he no longer pursued me, I gave him what he wanted, despondently, tragically. I let him go because he didn't want me anymore. And now he's gone, but never truly gone. I can keep trying to date but it just feels empty. The only thing that makes me feel better is spending more time loving myself.

I worried about him for so long, that I was doing so much self growth while he was standing still, looking miserable in every photo. Apparently he is moving forward, doing something for himself, developing a creative outlet for his self expression, becoming alive again. Maybe we really are helping each other in our growth, and I just didn't see it. I don't know anything. Except I feel so much today and I want him, almost need him. I know i'm not supposed to need him, but today it feels like a pain in my chest that only he can heal. It's so hard to accept that you can find something so beautiful and harmonious and earth shattering with someone, to the point where you can't imagine a life that they weren't in, and then they're the one person you don't communicate with at all. Ever. How does this happen? How can two people who found such pure love between each other spurn each other like this? Why does it hurt so much?

Last edited by ForeverRestless : 13-06-2016 at 09:00 PM.
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  #2  
Old 13-06-2016, 05:28 PM
taurusnsane taurusnsane is offline
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ok, let me start with the point i pointed out to myself to say to you.

- first, being with other. yeah, isnt it basically a hell in earth? you love being with someone else yet you feel your twin being there, almost like phsyically, but they arent. you can feel the pain, you are almost dazed out. the intimacy and real pure soul happinnes only comes with the one and only-twin. maybe someone can truly find someone else, but I think its lying to themselves. and living in the hope of twin returning- you can reach out yourself.

- doubting the connection. oh how you doubt, oh how you go back to basics- "he doesnt miss me, he doesnt want me". We are talking about twins, correct? So, first, trust the connection is two-sided. Runners are mysterious creatuses living in fear. they really shock me as the fear has blocked their own happiness. So, what you need to do is stop doubting, trust the connection and what you have (not had!). The little things are there to remind you to stay focused on you and the biggest job in your life- your connection with your twin. I know its hard but you need to push through as this is also fear. Trust that he is feeling the same, and ever more- I personally think runners suffer more and I have felt that myself from my own twin. Its not easy to be a runner.

- the CD. maybe it is one way to speak to you. I would personally send a little note message to him that you love his new album and songs and he did great or something.

- runners do not know chasers want them anymore- the fear has come true- chasers leaves the runner as the runner fears. no contact from the chaser, so a runner NEEDs to more forward, they do not listen their inner guidances, their heart. one day they will..

- stuborness blocks us also. he doesnt contact me- then I wont either!!!!!! yeah, we all feel like this, doesnt we chasers? men needs to chase women etc. Throw it away, we are speaking about your love, the one and only, and you think this way? High throne biatches, I know, but we need to lower ourselves and for what? LOVE. I think (and experience this myself) to step off our thrones and surrender. Truly surrender and accept.

- I have also wondered in my low times that how come two people who truly so much love eachother, cannot be together? Earth is a place we learn, grow and then come together, but dont worry, I am pretty sure that we will meet them in the "after-life" and live happily ever after.

- stay strong and try to tune into your twin more. when the timing is right, the right words will pop into mind and message will be sent. and you said you have to wait years, and maybe he is married then. well... it is not a fear, its a really big possibility. he thinks you are done and gone, reminder him that you are not, maybe shake his world upside down a little more.
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  #3  
Old 13-06-2016, 06:22 PM
idkusername idkusername is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ForeverRestless
I feel like I've been on the up and up for a couple months now, I haven't been posting here as much, I've been much happier in my own life, and I haven't been feeling the "pull" of TF. But today it feels like there's a gaping hole that cannot be filled. A lot has happened in a few days.

On Friday I went over to hang out with an old boyfriend. We broke up like six years ago but have always stayed close. We have a weird relationship, mostly because he is nostalgic like me. We drank wine and listened to music, and ended up making out. It didn't get particularly sexual, mostly because I don't feel comfortable getting sexual with people anymore after TF. But it was weird in several ways. I was definitely drunk and kind of in a daze from the wine and the energy of making out. I wasn't actively thinking about anything, but twice in the night I had this sharp pain when I felt the presence of my TF and it hurt. I almost cried a couple times and had to hold it in because I was with someone I wouldn't be able to explain the pain to. It's not that I was thinking of and missing TF, it was like I could FEEL him. Or that I was supposed to be intimate with him instead of my ex-boyfriend. It feels so wrong being with anyone else, and after something like 9 months of not being touched in an intimate way, it was strange. There was something familiar about the experience but foreign. I feel like I've grown beyond so much after knowing my TF and it's impossible to go backward. Nothing feels the same as it used to. Making out with any other guys feels empty. I keep trying to move on but it seems impossible.

Which brings me to another incident from this weekend. On Saturday I was home and trying to nurse my hangover, and I was watching Netflix. I started watching one program and got bored, so I started clicking around to see what other movies I had not completed watching. One was a documentary, and not 10 minutes into my viewing, this documentary mentioned the very film my TF and I watched together on one of our first nights in each other's company. As I've told on the forum before, we didn't really watch the movie because we couldn't stop talking to each other. We looked up and it was 4 a.m. I've never watched the movie again since then, but feel like I will one day. I turn over in my head whether I'd tell him when I finally watched it or not. Fear grips me, wondering about if he'd even answer my message. I get freaked out and retreat again.

So I start poking around on Instagram and I make a discovery than really messed with me pretty bad for the rest of Saturday. Apparently back in March, TF launched a new music project. This means a lot, because he was in a very bad place, mentally/emotionally/psychologically when we ceased talking, and he said he couldn't even play his instruments correctly. I remember one of the things him saying to me near the end is how I inspired him to finally take up music again (we are both big creatives and music enthusiasts) and how excited he was to start again, how it would be good for him. He said he planned to restart the band with his best friend. That apparently didn't come to fruition, but over a year after we last talked, he apparently launched this new project. An album, basically. A solo project. His own outlet for creative expression. While I'm so proud of him and happy for him, it hurt me deeply that I was not able to be there for him during this journey. His girlfriend has been. She's the one he's bouncing ideas off of and coming to for support. It cuts me to the core.

It was hard also not to draw conclusions and try to read into what he is doing with this album. His bio says he cannot sleep at night so he plays music. It says that he wrote all of the songs in 2015 (the year he and i met and obviously the hardest time for me in separation). The album cover is in English (my language), rather than in the language of his own country. It's hard to explain this without giving too much away, but the album title is a reference to a unit of measurement not typically used in his own country (but used in mine), and it suggests things like travel, things foreign. The album cover art is an airplane flying through the sky (and he's afraid of flying). I sort of broke down seeing all of this, also seeing that he debuted the songs in an acoustic capacity on the 1-year anniversary of the last time he and I communicated. It was freaky. Why all the coincidences? Why is it so easy for me to make it about ME? Am I being egotistic?

He plays under an alias (not his real name), and it's an alias that he claims his friends use for him, but I've never heard it. That made me feel isolated and in the dark about who he is or what his life is really about. That hurt. It also drove home the point of why I never react to his name (and it is moderately common), although I react to everything else. He does not identify with his name. He said he felt like he was supposed to be born with a different name, and honestly I cannot argue. Maybe this alias is his way of taking on a new identity. His true identity.

The music on the solo album is also the kind I listen to. That floored me a bit. He doesn't typically listen to the same kind of music as me. It made me realize we are more alike than I've been thinking. I don't know if I can hear these songs. What if they're just made-up stories, about pretend relationships. What if they're about me? What if they're about his girlfriend? What if I cannot handle it? What if his girlfriend feels like some of the songs are about another woman, but he doesn't say who, he just says it's a made up character? I can't imagine what she thinks or what I would feel if I heard these songs, but what if I NEED to to know what's going on in his heart? I'm confused. The album comes out this month apparently, although I only just now learned about it.

Then Sunday I went on a very long walk with one of my friends who I hadn't seen in a while. She just broke up with her boyfriend of two years and when I was going through my trauma with TF after the separation last year, she was too caught up in her relationship to really hear me or understand. I finally told her the story (without saying anything about TFs, of course), and she felt so strongly that I needed to talk to him (TF). That what we had was extraordinary and there's no way he can't think of me every day and love me. It's hard. Because I still feel like I'm not ready. To face the rejection he might offer. Or to be confronted with the possibility of some relationship and not be ready to pursue it, because of money, maturity, issues, logistics, etc. To be right back where TF and I started with having too many impediments to move forward.

But I want so much to know him, to talk to him, to support him. But he has a girlfriend, and it's not my place. And my mind swirls with concerns and worries. What if he hates me? What if he never wants to talk to me again? What if he forgot I exist? Could he ever forget that I exist? Could he ever forget what we had? I told my friend about this album and how it's basically impossible for a human to have an experience like we did, then write an album afterward and not have it influence the lyrics at least a little. Something on that album is going to be about me, and I don't know if I can handle hearing what he thinks. What if he had a single night of anger and wrote an angry song about me? Things like that. It's just very overwhelming. I go so back and forth in my mind that I'm overcome with fear of all the possible outcomes of talking to him or admitting to him how much I still love him and want to be there for him. My fear paralyzes me and makes me stay silent. And he's not contacting me either, so we're stuck in this stalemate.

I realize I need to overcome the fear. The need to have him react positively. Any expectation. I talk to myself about this and then I realize how far I have to go before I won't fear his response, maybe three or four years of personal growth. That thought in itself confirms I'll remain silent for at least several years. And what if he gets married during that time? Which is another fear. My fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want to overcome this, but when I think about the time needed to overcome this, I just shut down. I pull away even more. And I was the one who spoke the last words... the ball was in his court. He obviously didn't want to reestablish contact with me, and after all, did he have anything new to offer? No. He still didn't have the means or the will to start a relationship across continents. He told me he preferred to pursue things in his old life, close to home, and he let us go. I let him let me go. When he no longer pursued me, I gave him what he wanted, despondently, tragically. I let him go because he didn't want me anymore. And now he's gone, but never truly gone. I can keep trying to date but it just feels empty. The only thing that makes me feel better is spending more time loving myself.

I worried about him for so long, that I was doing so much self growth while he was standing still, looking miserable in every photo. Apparently he is moving forward, doing something for himself, developing a creative outlet for his self expression, becoming alive again. Maybe we really are helping each other in our growth, and I just didn't see it. I don't know anything. Except I feel so much today and I want him, almost need him. I know i'm not supposed to need him, but today it feels like a pain in my chest that only he can heal. It's so hard to accept that you can find something so beautiful and harmonious and earth shattering with someone, to the point where you can't imagine a life that they weren't in, and then they're the one person you don't communicate with at all. Ever. How does this happen? How can two people who found such pure love between each other spurn each other like this? Why does it hurt so much?
Wow, I'm sorry you have to go through these emotions, I feel your pain. Personally, I would listen to the album songs & study the lyrics & see if the correlate to you & what you think about them. Maybe, during him writing the songs, his guides, guided him & he wrote something about you can. See if it's a sign. I agree with taurus, you should send him a sweet note congratulating him & maybe begin communicating a bit from there. I don't know why, but I got this sudden vibe that one of the reasons he could be with his girlfriend was because he dated her to distract himself from you, if he's not spiritually awakened & doesn't know the whole tf concept, I believe this is what some people do when they get connected to someone & don't know what's going on, they try to move on by dating someone else but deep down you will always have some type of love/connection for this person which screws up the whole thing! Your story about the whole Netflix & 4 AM seems very lovely, it's sad you had to be seperated from your twin. I wish the best for you
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  #4  
Old 13-06-2016, 10:40 PM
bluebird21 bluebird21 is offline
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Hugs. It will get better.
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  #5  
Old 14-06-2016, 04:35 PM
ForeverRestless ForeverRestless is offline
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I just want to thank you guys so much. Your responses mean a lot to me.
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  #6  
Old 14-06-2016, 07:54 PM
Awakened Queen Awakened Queen is offline
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It always gets better. Trust in that.
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"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." - Pema Chodron
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  #7  
Old 15-06-2016, 01:27 AM
ssdm1 ssdm1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

And my mind swirls with concerns and worries. What if he hates me? What if he never wants to talk to me again? What if he forgot I exist? Could he ever forget that I exist? Could he ever forget what we had?

I realize I need to overcome the fear. The need to have him react positively. Any expectation.

I contacted my TF after many, many years of no contact. I had these same thoughts as you do, but I took the chance and WOW was I surprised! His first words to me told me everything I needed know. I cried and was shaking reading the sweet, loving things he had to say. I had no reason to worry and am learning that I need to trust this connection fully.

Go ahead and reach out to him, you may just be surprised. Best wishes.
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  #8  
Old 15-06-2016, 02:01 AM
BlueCat BlueCat is offline
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Wow, if he really creates songs that are dedicated to you, i hope not in a negative point of view, would be really interesting. I strongly believe this is a sign of something going on, his creative and more feminine side would be nurtured thanks to music and creation of art, after all i consider music a step up from normal poetry in many cases to put out our stories and feelings.
I can share this because it seems also my TF is interested in music making, sometimes i get that bitter and heart breaking feeling they won't be dedicated to me but to someone else, i bet i would refuse to listen to these songs even if they are related to me because of the strong emotions they would generate, even anxiety or depression on me. Despite i have contact with him, i feel like a stranger i don't relate sometimes because i don't share his real life while i want it so badly, so i just share my life with my friends to distract myself from this pain.
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Old 26-07-2016, 07:53 PM
ForeverRestless ForeverRestless is offline
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I haven't posted in a while because I've had a total shift in state of mind and emotion, and it's been difficult to even know what to say on this forum. I've basically decided to move on. I'll post something soon.

For now I thought it pertinent to update this posting and say that the album I mentioned above... yeah, now I just found out it's going to be released on my birthday. Which is a Monday.

How much am I just making crazy assumptions? A few objective opinions here?
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  #10  
Old 26-07-2016, 08:45 PM
hineahuone hineahuone is offline
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I wonder how much work you are doing on self love and not needing the TF to affirm you? I have just seen your latest post after reading through the rest of the replies. I think if you stop obsessing about every little detail of the 3D relationship and work on connecting with them in 5D you will be less concerned with being reunited and moving forward with your life will actually bring them back to you eventually. It may well be that your TF is releasing the album on your birthday because he wants you to know he still cares for you. It is no coincidence.
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