Since Near Death Experience - Total Life Upheaval

[TuesdaysChild]

I look back and my life from 3 years ago is no more. It is obliterated.

I have ended a 10 year relationship (my choosing, but still difficult). I have chronic illnesses as a result of a health crisis in 2015 that left me with a 5% chance to live. That's when I died and left my body.

I moved 100km back to my hometown. I had to sell my home and have had to live off of savings because other surgeries, infections, and then in finding new work they have not worked out. I feel ill-suited to the work I used to do.

Two jobs later - I am no longer able (not just unwilling, but I am unable) to settle for mundane. Yet that is my bread and butter. I make good money with that. I went to school and have a professional designation for that.

My spirit is telling me that it is time to move on.

The total life upheaval is tearing my nerves. I am on medication now.

I need a break. I have read how when people are awakening spiritually, they go through tremendous upheavals. I don't want more. I need to recover. I am afraid for my well being if this continues.

I am not looking for judgment but for spiritually awake people that recognize that I am searching for satsang as I am at a spiritual impasse with my mind not settling and I am terrified. My ego/thinking is terrified and all I feel is fear and incapacitating anxiety.

Am I in the right forum to express this?

[Shivani Devi]

It is difficult going to sleep at night and wondering whether or not you are still going to exist in the morning. I go through it every night because of the apnoea I experience as the result of a totally impaired autonomic nervous system and doctors can do nothing about it.

At first, fear is there...but you manage to get through the night, wake up and go "I made it! another day to live!" and I try to express gratitude for the opportunity...just having one more day.

Then as night arrives, fear grips me once more and I go into a blind panic - "maybe tonight is that night I draw no more breath" but I wake up again in the morning - apparently the universe has other plans.

After months of doing this and getting more anxious each time (which was also affecting my apnoea). I said "ENOUGH! The universe has proven me wrong so many times now, that it's just my own doing...if I die, I die and if I live, I live. There's no way it can be fixed and there's no control I have over it either, so why worry?"

I once said to the Lord "I am not ready to die yet" and do you know the answer He gave me in reply? "nobody is!" So I just have to trust that He 'has my back' as well as my heart.

Just take a break and take care of yourself and let whatever happens, happen because it's going to anyway.

All the best.

[Baile]

Your situation has similarities to something I went through. At age 42, at the tail end of a dysfunctional 10-year relationship, I had a complete breakdown. It was diagnosed as anxiety depression: so bad that my body lost the will to function. I couldn't lift myself out of bed, and I would crawl around my apartment on my hands and knees. It took seven years of holistic healing and care to get back to normal (which is no longer normal as I used to experience it). I was lucky in that I didn't have to work, I lived on disability benefits. And I couldn't have worked, I was too ill. Lots to say on this topic, I am open to a PM discussion. Needless to say this is an awakening moment in one's life, a paradigm shift related to one's soul evolution. Like you, my previous life has been obliterated. Who I was then, is not who I am now. Know there is hope. Always, there is hope. One thing I have learned: love powers all life, and the universe is entirely benevolent. And in that regard it's not even hope. Because hope implies "maybe, perhaps." There is no maybe; there is only surety. That surety is the birthright of every soul. Every soul will find the light, eventually. No soul is left behind.

[John32241]

Originally Posted by TuesdaysChild

I need a break. I have read how when people are awakening spiritually, they go through tremendous upheavals. I don't want more. I need to recover. I am afraid for my well being if this continues.

I am not looking for judgment but for spiritually awake people that recognize that I am searching for satsang as I am at a spiritual impasse with my mind not settling and I am terrified. My ego/thinking is terrified and all I feel is fear and incapacitating anxiety.

Am I in the right forum to express this?

Hello,

Bringing comfort to the brain is a difficult undertaking at best. The intellect is not prepared to deal with spiritual awakening of any kind.

Compassion for self is an overused suggestion. Yet without it you will be stuck. Anxiety is created by letting the brain run wild with its endless list of concerns. You create calmness with your intent and effort to focus your attention on things which help you to feel good.

Confront your fears with out suppressing them and re-direct your thinking as best as you can. I am not fond of medication because it is designed to prevent the things that I am suggesting. Self empowerment is a process more than a pill.

John

[TuesdaysChild]

I'm redirecting my anxiety through writing. I have friends who are willing to host a domain for me and another willing to design my webpage for free.

I have a lot to write about and a lot to learn about writing.

I may not have a PhD from an accredited institution, but I have a few of them from life. I have a lot of wisdom to share. So I'm channeling there and by doing so, facing my fears in a way that is less threatening.

Thanks for responding to me. I really want to make it past this impasse. My mind has drawn a line in the sand and has loaded it's weapons. It says "No". You aren't allowed to pass go....go right back to jail. No next step in awareness for you!!!

[TuesdaysChild]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

The universe has proven me wrong so many times now, that it's just my own doing...if I die, I die and if I live, I live. There's no way it can be fixed and there's no control I have over it either, so why worry?"

I once said to the Lord "I am not ready to die yet" and do you know the answer He gave me in reply? "nobody is!" So I just have to trust that He 'has my back' as well as my heart.

Just take a break and take care of yourself and let whatever happens, happen because it's going to anyway.

All the best.

Thank you, Necromancer, for sharing your own experience with fear. One of my core fears is ending up without anything, homeless, no way to provide for my loving fur babies. I fear the inability to provide for myself.

I am tired of struggling with the fear and yet I cannot let it go. There is no use fearing it because in reality, my fear is not going to be realized. I know I will survive.

As for death, after my NDE, I don't fear it at all.

[TuesdaysChild]

Originally Posted by Baile

Your situation has similarities to something I went through. At age 42, at the tail end of a dysfunctional 10-year relationship, I had a complete breakdown. It was diagnosed as anxiety depression: so bad that my body lost the will to function. I couldn't lift myself out of bed, and I would crawl around my apartment on my hands and knees. It took seven years of holistic healing and care to get back to normal (which is no longer normal as I used to experience it). I was lucky in that I didn't have to work, I lived on disability benefits. And I couldn't have worked, I was too ill. Lots to say on this topic, I am open to a PM discussion. Needless to say this is an awakening moment in one's life, a paradigm shift related to one's soul evolution. Like you, my previous life has been obliterated. Who I was then, is not who I am now. Know there is hope. Always, there is hope. One thing I have learned: love powers all life, and the universe is entirely benevolent. And in that regard it's not even hope. Because hope implies "maybe, perhaps." There is no maybe; there is only surety. That surety is the birthright of every soul. Every soul will find the light, eventually. No soul is left behind.

I would very much love to take this to PM. I am 42 now. I am ready to die. I beg for death or for the struggle to end. I have nothing left in me.

Your words bring me hope. xoxo

[Emm]

Originally Posted by TuesdaysChild

I look back and my life from 3 years ago is no more. It is obliterated.

I have ended a 10 year relationship (my choosing, but still difficult). I have chronic illnesses as a result of a health crisis in 2015 that left me with a 5% chance to live. That's when I died and left my body.

I moved 100km back to my hometown. I had to sell my home and have had to live off of savings because other surgeries, infections, and then in finding new work they have not worked out. I feel ill-suited to the work I used to do.

Two jobs later - I am no longer able (not just unwilling, but I am unable) to settle for mundane. Yet that is my bread and butter. I make good money with that. I went to school and have a professional designation for that.

My spirit is telling me that it is time to move on.

The total life upheaval is tearing my nerves. I am on medication now.

I need a break. I have read how when people are awakening spiritually, they go through tremendous upheavals. I don't want more. I need to recover. I am afraid for my well being if this continues.

I am not looking for judgment but for spiritually awake people that recognize that I am searching for satsang as I am at a spiritual impasse with my mind not settling and I am terrified. My ego/thinking is terrified and all I feel is fear and incapacitating anxiety.

Am I in the right forum to express this?

I listen almost daily to Abraham Hicks and what I love about their teaching is that its ok whatever you do as long as you get onto your path of least resistance, and if doing your "mundane" work helps pay the bills and takes the stress out of your life then maybe this could be the way to go for now. It doesnt have to be forever but may help you get into a better feeling place and thats whats more important for you right now....for any of us. You cant get into a place of inspired thought when your stressed, so do what you need to do to lighten your load and I'm sure everything else will then work out for you.

Spirituality to me means being kind to oneself, to know what my needs are to help me relax into being the person I know I am....and everything else branches out from there. So do what you need to do that puts you most at ease.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by TuesdaysChild

Your words bring me hope. xoxo

That's great to hear. Here's a brief rundown of the steps I took. Not suggesting anything here, just explaining what I did.

Sought counselling and did that for a very brief time. It helped in showing me I had been ill for decades really, and that it was time to finally do something about it.

Went on anti-depressants for eight weeks, then stopped. That helped me get back on my feet initially, after which I went the holistic healing route. I wanted to deal with the core issues, and anti-depressants just cover up the symptoms, they don't address the core issues. One specific core issue had to do with two relationships and twenty years of dysfunctional living with another. All that ended (mercifully) and I vowed from then on to never to be with someone whom I didn't love with all my heart. And that, as Robert Frost once wrote, has made all the difference.

Spent the next many years in a place of quiet, surrounded by nature, and with no responsibilities other than to myself and my healing. Even just driving to the store for groceries once a week was incredibly difficult, I found it painful to be around people and their energy. It was the stress and anxiety of meeting peoples' expectations that was responsible for the illness in the first place. Of course I was the one responsible, and that's just how it manifested in me, as illness. Creating a quiet home in the country was another thing that has made all the difference. I dreamed as a child of having such a home. Following one's dreams is so very important. It's what ignites the soul.

That all became easier after the first three years. But I remained secluded. It was years before I went to a restaurant, for example. It was only after about seven years that I finally felt zero anxiety being out in public. The key for me as been maintaining this way of life. My life remains quiet, with few people in it, and that's what seems to be working for me. Since I stepped away from the hectic world, my life has blossomed and continues to do so. It becomes a lifestyle, which for me as included adjusting every aspect of my life, from my diet, to sleeping patterns, to the distractions I allow into my world. I haven't had a TV in a decade for example; and I never drive with the radio on (haven't listened to a radio since the 1990s actually hehe).

The magical thing now is I am so very intent on helping cheer people up when I meet someone who seems to be having a bad day. If it's a store clerk, I smile and consciously add, "Thank you, you've been a big help!" This is how I've come out of this illness; come though it and out the other side. I understand the excruciating pain of life. And I want to ease the burden of others who feel what I used to feel.

[Miss Hepburn]

What was your NDE, if I may ask...maybe you already wrote about it here?
If it is not pertinent, I understand.

I am afraid my satsang could be stronger than others and unwelcome...
It would revolve around, 'It doesn't matter what situation or external circumstance you may find yourself in...
it is where you place your focus.
A person can do anything and be at peace and hopeful in the face of terrible circumstances...amputations, paralysis,
Paul locked in a filthy, damp dungeon probably with
dung and mud to his ankles...it is where the mind's attention is and where your heart places it's trust and faith...'

This is the point doubters roll their eyes, and think I have not experienced
trails and tribulations myself...and I should just be quiet. LOL!

But you said you wanted satsang...being in the company of Truth...
One reason I believe we are here is to learn the power we have.
Best wishes.