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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 03-09-2011, 05:41 PM
xcat-ladyx
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do people change?

hello all i need help :( i posted a while back about a terrible relationship with my ex, which i still hate him for. the problem is, the last 2 weeks we have spent alot of time together and feelings have grown. i feel he has changed but do people really change? i am worried i will get back with him for my sons sake and be stuck in the same misery all over again. i think i still love him, but truth is i cannot forgive him, i cannot forget, the things he did plague my mind. i am so confused. x
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  #2  
Old 03-09-2011, 05:45 PM
xcat-ladyx
Posts: n/a
 
also, i would like to point out that i would not be getting back into a relationship with him this soon. i just want your opinions about forgivness, what he did was the worst someone could do. i just wonder if we could ever be a family again. x
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  #3  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:08 PM
Medium_Laura
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Yes, people can change but, if you cannot forgive him and start new, then you are going back into the relationship unchanged yourself. It will be a disaster from the start because you won't trust him nor forgive the past.
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  #4  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:10 PM
earthprowler
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people change all the time. they change their way of thinking, acting, behaving, their out look on things that once interested them that now do not or visa versa. when i was first living with my now husband he told me that there was absolutely no way people change, that sounds really weird to type even......if no one ever changed in any way wouldn't we all still be babies? strange way of putting it, but that's how i look at it. but just as he may have changed, you may have changed in the way you look and think of him also.
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  #5  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:40 PM
northstar
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yes people can change...

BUT...

has he changed. is he pretending he changed, or does he really believe hes changed but he really hasnt... i remembr how many times in rehab i really thought i had changed, but i haddnt...

you'r going to have to hash it all the way out imo... go through evrythng... cover evrythng... turn over evry rock... and when you think you have looked at evry nook and cranny... start anew... day one, page one...
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  #6  
Old 03-09-2011, 09:56 PM
mattie
Posts: n/a
 
Much More Time Needed To See If He Has Really Changed

People can change.

It might be useful to discuss the past issues w/ him to see how he reacts & if he seems genuinely repentant about hurting you. Be frank that youíre not sure if you can get past what happened. If he is faking it this discussion might be revealing if he responds in a negative manner. If he isnít faking change & is really different he will be completely OK w/ it & genuinely sorry.

Give it awhile. A good while. 2 weeks isnít very long to see if it is real change. It is OK to let your self get in the moment of the new improved him, but keep some protective distance that time will tell if this is real genuine change.

The bigger issue is likely to be if you want to get back. He may have really changed, but you may not want to ultimately get back. This would likely mean that you would be 2 exes that were OK w/ each other & thats a decent situation for the child. You can love some things about him, but this not be enough. While you are having any doubts about this it isnít nearly time yet for the 2 of you to move back in.

I just checked the date of your former post. It was only on 8/16/11 that you posted that you just found out that he cheated over 20 times. This isnít very long at all. This is only 2 1/2 weeks since you found out. A few weeks isnít nearly enough time to see if he reverts into his former behavior of cheating. Are you just taking his word that he isn't still cheating? He may still be in repair damage mode. Time will tell if this is a real change.

Given that it was only 2 1/2 weeks ago that you found out, I would modify the suggestion to talk to him about it. This may be appropriate in a few months, but right now he is probably being too aware of having to say the right things to see if this is real. Let him get out of repair damage mode & settling back into regular life to gauge the relationship. Is what caused him to cheat going to resurface after he gets out of damage control mode?
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  #7  
Old 03-09-2011, 10:44 PM
Maiya
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People change and relationships change. And the truth is, I believe, if we don’t change with it we might as well throw in the towel.

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to give someone who has hurt us. But we can forgive them and yet still not want to be with them.

We forgive people more for our own benefit than theirs. You wouldn’t be wrong to keep him at arms length while you talk things over until you are completely satisfied that he has changed. My advice would be to take it slow.
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  #8  
Old 03-09-2011, 11:34 PM
Deusdrum Deusdrum is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maiya
we can forgive them and yet still not want to be with them.

We forgive people more for our own benefit than theirs.

You beat me to it. I was just going to say this.

You can forgive someone, without forgiving necessarily what they have done. Forgiveness is a way of letting go/releasing the pain within yourself, maybe even taking back something you feel was taken in the hurt he has caused.

When you say 'what he did was the worst someone could do' that gives me pause. Even if you are able to forgive him, that does not mean he deserves another chance, especially in reference to the quote above.

My friend once said something that was one of those things someone says that sticks with you.

'Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them.'

You do not need him back, especially considering that there is a whole wide world full of good guys that deserve a first chance, rather than taking such a risk on someone who has hurt you in the past. I think it is maybe attachment. Maybe the relationship could now turn into a friendship, if he really has changed. That is a big if though.

Even if he has, the likelihood of falling into the same pattern as before is very high, just because like anything that is routine and habitual, it has already established a path and pattern.

Have you let him know where you stand? Do you yourself know for sure where you stand? Just suggesting some things to maybe consider.

Hope it works out for the best. ~

peace. *
__________________
What are the stars, but points in the body of God where we insert the healing needles of our terror and longing? - Thomas Pynchon, Gravity's Rainbow
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  #9  
Old 04-09-2011, 02:17 AM
celery
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Unfortunately, the only one that really knows if you have changed is.... yourself.
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  #10  
Old 04-09-2011, 10:43 AM
Saggi Saggi is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Away with the Faeries,,,,
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Thank you!

This is the answer to the question I would ask!

It is often thought to forgive is to allow them to be part of our lives and to accept what they did to us means to keep it in our lives!

NO!

Accept is to accept that people are the way they are, judgement or not, and decide whether you accept that to be a part of your life any longer!

You are not forgiving them for being who they are, you are forgiving the act(s) that they carried out on you!

Let them be! It's their path!

Whilst working through forgiveness you will work through loving, this may draw them close physically. If you are considering you are then doing wrong by keeping them at arms length as a self preservation and carrying guilt from this, then the power over you is still there!

Empower yourself by recognising how you deserve to be treated!

Forgive others who have treated you differently and you will draw those who will treat you well into your life.

Caution is not the same as mistrust!

Once bitten, twice shy

Love and hugs

Jo

XxXx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maiya
People change and relationships change. And the truth is, I believe, if we donít change with it we might as well throw in the towel.

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to give someone who has hurt us. But we can forgive them and yet still not want to be with them.

We forgive people more for our own benefit than theirs. You wouldnít be wrong to keep him at arms length while you talk things over until you are completely satisfied that he has changed. My advice would be to take it slow.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Deusdrum
You beat me to it. I was just going to say this.

You can forgive someone, without forgiving necessarily what they have done. Forgiveness is a way of letting go/releasing the pain within yourself, maybe even taking back something you feel was taken in the hurt he has caused.

When you say 'what he did was the worst someone could do' that gives me pause. Even if you are able to forgive him, that does not mean he deserves another chance, especially in reference to the quote above.

My friend once said something that was one of those things someone says that sticks with you.

'Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them.'

You do not need him back, especially considering that there is a whole wide world full of good guys that deserve a first chance, rather than taking such a risk on someone who has hurt you in the past. I think it is maybe attachment. Maybe the relationship could now turn into a friendship, if he really has changed. That is a big if though.

Even if he has, the likelihood of falling into the same pattern as before is very high, just because like anything that is routine and habitual, it has already established a path and pattern.

Have you let him know where you stand? Do you yourself know for sure where you stand? Just suggesting some things to maybe consider.

Hope it works out for the best. ~

peace. *
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