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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:44 AM
Ciqala
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Simple answer - move on, and leave him for the sake of yourself, and your family.

I really think you answered this dilemma yourself, your higher self, your heart speaks true, but your guilt is keeping you back. There should be no guilt, your kids will be okay, i think you feel too much and need to take care of yourself, and know that in the end it is the best answer for your kids to not be with him.
I very much think you should move on to be happy, free, your children will respect you for that decision when they can understand, and just let them know, it is not their fault, that both of you still love them dearly, that will never change. To have the family in a situation like it is now is hurtful to everyone. It will only become worse. You should leave him, and you can work out times where they can go see him. Do not let your worries tie your hands together, they will be okay.
You need to live your life, you do not need him, and your children will be better off without him there in the long run. families operate just fine with one parent out of the picture, and your children can still see him if they want to. you don't want to have them growing up near parent's that don't love each other under the same roof, that atmosphere is stressful and painful, it is better to be truthful about the situation and split. you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.
So i think the best idea here is for you to move on instead of staying and suffering, and the problem just getting worse. Your family will be okay if you split. You will be a lot more happy in life being single, or maybe even meet your real soul mate, the positive possibilities are endless.
There are so many pros that way. And only cons the other way.
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  #12  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:37 PM
Natalia
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Quote : 'you do not need him' <----i bet he feels this way and is very unhappy.

Quote : 'you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.' <----He helped make those children, does he not get some of 'her all' instead of being seen as the man that ruins it all? Before the children came she was his wife first.

Quote : 'or maybe even meet your real soul mate' <---Yes different man yet same skirt. The same issues will still prop up.

It takes work if you want it. There is no 'cure man' aka 'real' soul mate. a man is a man plain and simple and if they are loved, fed and appreciated you will see and get that back tenfold. What you put in you get back. Its not just about what YOU get but what you give. Men will show their love by action.
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  #13  
Old 12-04-2011, 04:44 PM
Perspective Perspective is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinks
Quote : 'you do not need him' <----i bet he feels this way and is very unhappy.

Quote : 'you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.' <----He helped make those children, does he not get some of 'her all' instead of being seen as the man that ruins it all? Before the children came she was his wife first.

Quote : 'or maybe even meet your real soul mate' <---Yes different man yet same skirt. The same issues will still prop up.

It takes work if you want it. There is no 'cure man' aka 'real' soul mate. a man is a man plain and simple and if they are loved, fed and appreciated you will see and get that back tenfold. What you put in you get back. Its not just about what YOU get but what you give. Men will show their love by action.
Good points.
I know, in relationships, especially marriage - it feels better to point the finger instead of consider how the other is feeling & how I can do better.

I'm amazed at how quickly childrens' needs are neglected sometimes. As adults, we had our childhoods, & we know how much they influence the rest of our lives. IMO, being a parent involves putting aside some of my wants, for the benefit of my children. I'm not saying to stay when there is abuse, adultery or addiction - nor do I believe constant fighting is healthy. I just think we owe it to ourselves & our family to do everything in our power for love - for what is best.
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  #14  
Old 12-04-2011, 08:05 PM
Sarian Sarian is offline
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Tinks and Perspective, Lightworker, if I'm not mistaken did mention he's mean and sounds pretty controlling and manipulating. I am in the process of getting a divorce myself, and I saw some signs and should have ran fast, but no, I let myself be taken in with his tears of woe and pleadings. When he wasn't pleading, he was manipulating, and calculating.

The kids and I would have been FAR better off if I left years ago. My parents stayed together for us kids and are still together and have a very sad and angry relationship. My mom seems to really hate my dad and at times he lashes out in anger and it grieves me to see that they've spent all these years this way.

My husband is foul as can be these past few days and especially today...and yet days come when he tries a different tactic again and pleads for me not to go through with it. Just games.

No one should go through life unfulfilled and unhappy for the sake of another. I put my life on hold for my kids, but I should have just changed courses WITH my kids and we'd all have been better for it. Also wanted to add that some people are just plain toxic and hateful and no matter how much you give and do and love, it will NEVER be enough.

Live life, Lightworker.
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  #15  
Old 12-04-2011, 10:52 PM
Perspective Perspective is offline
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Sarian,
I agree that - if a spouse is abusive, (physically or verbally) they should get outa there! Your situation seems different.
I don't think Lightworker mentioned her husband to be controlling nor manipulative. She even stated that she cares for him deeply, wants him to be happy & that he's decent...
She mentioned he's become negative & mean. Maybe she could clarify - if he daily takes it out on her or the kids, or if he's just a grouch, occasionally when he's had a bad day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lightworker
My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.
I just worry about people throwing in the towel too quickly, when maybe there's more that can be done to keep a family happily together.
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  #16  
Old 13-04-2011, 03:20 AM
Sarian Sarian is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lightworker
I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

I understand, Perspective, that's another very big reason I stayed where I didn't belong. I believed that we live in a 'throw away society' and I don't believe in that, so I tried for so many years, even when I could see it was useless and we just weren't meant to be...

I quoted the above because I thought I had seen something what lightworker wrote, and it was the above comment. Maybe I read between the lines because I, too, wanted (and still do) my husband to be happy. I hope he finds the love he desires and needs as well....it just will never be with me...but it doesn't take away from the fact that my husband is cruel, is mean, is malicious and hateful, yet pitiful, longing to be loved, yet goes to extremes to garner sympathy from others, and to portray himself as someone totally different than who he actually is, at least to me and his family.
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  #17  
Old 13-04-2011, 10:27 AM
GentleStrength GentleStrength is offline
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I think children would be best served not by a "stable" but unhappy parent relationship compared to a happy, joyous fulfilled parent situation where they happen to live apart. Think of it this way, most children grow up and emulate the family relationship of their parents, would you really want your children to end up in a relationship like you have currently?

Or would it serve everyone better to have them see you as happy and fulfilled and empowered to live the life you prefer? I'm voting for this one!

Btw, I grew up with a single parent from around 2 til 8 or so and then had a step-father. I think I turned out alright and have a wonderfully loving and supportive marriage of 8 years now.

Love and Light
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  #18  
Old 17-04-2011, 07:16 PM
lightworker
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Wow, thankyou all so much for your thoughts on this! I suppose I should clarify a few things.
My husband is never abusive or anything like that, he's just so different to me, in a bad way, not a good way.
He is a decent person with good morals, I think that's why i still care for him and wish him every happiness, but in saying that, he also chooses to live his life in a way that I don't wish to live mine.
He is quite a negative person, quite *****y and backstabby,even about his best friends,( which i really find hard to tolerate and I have tried to help him overcome this bad habit but to no avail), he doesn't put any time into our children away from the house (won't go to school things, won't drive them to sports etc), this probably sounds quite petty on my part but it's hard to write down a situation and have people understand where your coming from.
I am reading a book on happiness at the moment and I asked him what true happiness means to him (just out of curiosity) and he said it's money, if our business made enough money to have no worries ever again that would be his true happiness, and I also asked him what he would do with his life if he won $50 million dollars, and he said he would keep our business, just buy heaps more machinery and all brand new gear to go with it.
That just made my heart sink, he never mentioned us at all! I know he loves and cares for us but he's caught in the material world and i am the opposite.
He is very rarely happy and he is not an easy going person, everything is a hassle and I just don't want to live the next 50 or 60 years this way.
I think you are all right, what am i teaching my children by staying? I too agree that todays society is a throw away society and I too stayed and have persisted for so long because I know marriage is hard work, and anything worth having won't come easy, but where do you draw the line? Why should people be miserable 6 days out of 7? In saying all of this, he is a caring dad (even though he chooses not to go out of his way much) and he is a good man deep down but I want to spend my life helping people as much as i can, learning as much as i can and most importantly loving as much as i can and he doesn't, it's that simple.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts, I am still pondering deeply on this one.
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  #19  
Old 24-04-2011, 10:14 PM
lightworker
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Hello everyone,
I thought i'd give you an update.
We went to a friends party on the weekend, which he didn't want to go to, but went anyway. He got blind drunk, was really rude (like normal) to all our friends and when we got home he told me I am pathetic for having a dance with our 15 year old daughter, like i was trying to be 15 again, it was one song for goodness sake! He said it's time i grew up and realised that life is not about fun, and to adjust to being an adult. We never go anywhere or do anything, I dance to one song and I need to grow up?
I left a physically abusive relationship when i was 18, and that has given me alot of baggage to get over in my life because I loved that boy so deeply & couldn't understand how he could love me so beautifully most days and punch me in the head on another day.
I realised while lying in bed listening to my husband tell me i'm pathetic and need to grow up, and had a light bulb moment (thanks Oprah!) that this relationship is no different to the last violent relationship i had, except this man doesn't hit me. When he is sober he can be quite nice and loving at times and then he gets drunk and says some of the meanest things (one night he told me he doesn't think our kids are really his! and our kids heard this) and he wakes up and doesn't remember anything he says. I remember it all, and it is so confusing, for my heart and my head, and i'm sure it's confusing to the kids. He says he is so sorry and he didn't mean it & it won't happen again, and it still happens everytime we go out. I have asked him not to drink when we do go out and then everything is ok, but he says i'll just have a few and before i know it he's off his face and being rude to everyone. It's gotten to the point where i feel i can't go anywhere with him publicly. He is isolating me with everyone we know because they don't want him at their parties etc.
I am done now, i just need to figure out where to go, i have tried and tried, we have had counselling over the years, he has broke every promise he has ever made, I just lied in bed yesterday all day, too numb to function, it's ridiculous.
I wish him love & light, but i refuse to subject myself & my kids to this any longer.
Thankyou all so much for your wise counsel, it has given me much needed support. xxoo
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  #20  
Old 24-04-2011, 10:33 PM
LadyVirgoxoxo LadyVirgoxoxo is offline
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So are you going to leave him?
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