the first time your twin ran off was the worst loneliness you've ever felt??

[BlueCat]

Of course. I felt like i lost him and i coudn't do nothing, felt like i was robbed of something as well.

[bluebird21]

Originally Posted by RedBasket

Yes, I remember the first time he ran. A few days before Christmas he told me he loved me and I said the same to him. Never talked about a future together, but just had a wonderful moment to say in words what we felt. We had a natural separation then leading into Christmas and the Holidays and I was filled with such feelings of love and security and envisioned how our lives would unfold and I believed we'd naturally ease out of our current relationships and reunite in the future.

I had no concept of the pain, uncertainty and the inner soul journey that would come ahead.

We didn't go into "reunion" as I envisioned it after the Holidays or have time to bask in the joy of our acknowledged love. He didn't reach out as he typically did and soon New Year's had passed, so when I reached out to him and asked about how his holidays were he just replied via text "tragic? And you?" It turns out he separated the day after Christmas. I didn't see him for a month and was fully in the dark as he wouldn't tell me what was tragic nor would he see me. I assumed it was over forever.

The first time I saw him after that devastating feeling of loss and confusion came about a month later. He texted about his accute pain and showed up to see me. I remember I heard the door open at my business and walked down the stairs to see him. He said nothing, but just immediately collapsed into me and gave me such an intense hug that I felt as if he was going to die, and I felt as if my energy replenished him so that he knew he was going to live. He told me he was separated. "You're the only one I can turn to" he said after the hug. I was shocked to hear he had separated and immediately denied in my heart that it could have anything to do with me. He made plans to see me the next day and our kids would play while we did work. I was terrified and had up my defenses up by then. Within those 24 hours he did too. I didn't ask about his personal life but went immediately into work mode, no hug, no anything, and the kids ran upstairs to play. "Oh, so we really are going to work?" he said. "Yes," I replied, trembling. Then he told me that morning he and his wife had met and decided to reconcile and that her sibling would invest in his new business. I just said "Wow. Two great pieces of news for you in one day" and my heart broke in front of me and I tried to hide it. We never discussed the "I love you's" again.

I've had other very painful moments in the journey since then and we both went through reunions and separations with our spouses, seeing each other intermittently for work, with brief moments of deep support, like holding my hand while saying words that touched the core of my heart, or doing heroic deeds in subtle ways. The top moment of pain being the time he walked by me on the street and didn't acknowledge my greeting. We were with each of our kids too. It felt like he kicked me in the stomach when he didn't acknowledge me there, and then he ran again texting "Red, I'm unable to talk" after he refused my calls or refused seeing me in person. But I've had moments of validation of what we share in all of this too - they have come just when I needed them the most. Still, I often didn't trust any of it and all of encounters increased my confusion even more. I finally realized that I was doing the push and pull thing with him too - it was all about fear.

It is not a journey for the faint of heart. But ultimately it is so rewarding. Ultimately you learn to rely on your own inner knowledge and trust yourself. Trust in the power of your beliefs and in your soul. Once that is done, you start trusting in your twin again too because now you have the much needed foundation of trust in yourself ... something I believe we lacked before our twins came into our lives.

Have courage, OP!

Wow, beautiful story that touched my heart. The intensity between you two really reminds me of what I experienced with my twin towards the beginning of our second reunion. That intense fear mixed with the intense connection mixed with the intense pain that is being brought to the surface. Xo

[RedBasket]

Thanks, Blue!
Our stories do seem to overlap and that gives me courage and hope to read about your experiences. Have had more uplifting moments of "thaw" between us this weekend, and am just enjoying the positive energy between us as of late. Hope you are in a good place too these days!

[bluebird21]

Thank you, Red! I'm glad to hear your spirits are lifted lately and that you feel an openness and more feeling of connection? between you two. We are always together with our twin. By feeling our own heart we also connect to our true love. That's why when one runs from this connection they are really running from themselves. I've also been feeling a closeness with my dear. I can really feel us moving back to each other as I feel myself moving more deeply back to myself after having abandoned myself. As for how I am doing, I am falling apart at the seams. Crying all the time. Horrible emotional pain from trauma that has not been fully processed. It feels very similar to how I was right before the second time we reunited, I was falling apart. Why is it that crying a lot is always a sign for me that we will reconnect? Haha oh boy, what a deeply challenging journey back to the Self this is. Much love to you and I appreciate your kind words.

[bluebird21]

To answer OP's question. The first time I was ten years old. Let's just say I went through an intense EMINEM phase after that lol. It was bad. And has a lot to do with why I acted the way I did the second time we reunited with my pushing him away/running. I didn't realize it.

I fell into a depression for a year and even switched schools to see if that would make it better. I didn't even fully understand that this happened because I had my heart deeply broken.

Really, this heartbreak happens in which you literally feel you are being torn apart because you are believing that Home is in the other. Once we come fully Home to ourselves this does not occur even with our twin souls because we know nothing can ever truly be taken from us, we are our ultimate lover, nothing is missing.

[RedBasket]

Originally Posted by bluebird21

By feeling our own heart we also connect to our true love. That's why when one runs from this connection they are really running from themselves.

Blue, these words are worth quoting and revisiting often. I send out waves of strength your way as you process all this tough stuff - the old trauma and the grief. You are doing such fine work. You won't get more than you can handle. You heart will always connect you back to true love.