Being tested...

[loulou1986]

I havent posted on here in a while!!!

I met my twin in 2014 but we are no longer in contact for various reasons.

The end of 2014 and most of 2015 was living hell for me. The separation half killed me but this year i made a concious decision to sort my head out. Things with my husband have been better than ever and in June we welcomed our 2nd baby into the world :)

As the days and months passed by i began to think of my 'twin' less and less and *almost* went a whole day without thinking of him (haha!) Any thoughts i have are pretty fleeting and there's been no pain with it anymore. I have felt totally balanced, happy and in control of my thoughts. Cracked it! .... or so i thought :/

I saw him today in my hometown driving towards me. He lives quite a bit further away so this in itself was a bit random. Thats when my head went and i was back to 2014 in an instant :( I wasnt sure if he had seen me, so drove round the block so he would have to drive past me again, as we slowed down we waved. I just feel horrible!!!!!!! Why did i need to do that? I let that man derail my life... i shouldnt be waving and smiling at him! And not to mention the disrespect im showing my husband by even acknowledging him. (We never had a sexual affair-it was an emotional one which in my opinion is worse!) I have said to myself that if i ever saw him again, id just ignore him and i so wish i had done. I was caught so offguard. Also what if he did see me the first time aghh then he will know i drove round the block to see him again! CRINGE!!

I know im probably over thinking this but felt like i needed to write it down somewhere to get it out of my head. I havent seen or spoken to him in the flesh since xmas 2014 and have no desire to see him again, in fact i'd happily not see him ever again as he just throws up all these horrible emotions!! It felt like today was a test. Why did he cross my path at that exact moment in time???? If i had been 2 minutes later id never have seen him. Gah....

[MissTetley]

Hi,
Actually it sounds like you were quite civilised about seeing him and waving. Much better than ignoring him which would have shown he had some power to affect you. You doing something you'd do with a friend would give the impression that he's just another person you once knew.

There is no way of knowing if he saw you the first time but even if he did it really doesn't mean you had to have done the second drive past on purpose. you could have been looking out for someone you were going to give a lift to or find the right parking spot.

If he's your twin though he will always affect you, they can't not and two people in the same place at the same time who have a connection is no accident.

Trust that it was engineered by those who have more power and understanding than the two of you and release your negative feelings about it.

[loulou1986]

Thank you Tetley :) I need a more positive spin on it i think. I was just mumbling to myself how i think he will always make me feel a bit nuts and id be better off not thinking otherwise and then i saw your reply xx

[hineahuone]

I think the forgiveness part is where unconditional love comes to the fore. If you let them go and move on with your life, you must have to forgive them at some level and be happy no matter what happens to them or you. I asked my twin to let me go and he wont give me up, and he still wont tell me he cares for me, but I am so blissfully happy when I am with him that it doesnt matter in the moment. He may still rip my heart out of my chest while it is still beating but I will forgive him and offer it again and again. Do I sound crazy? Possibly. You do the dumbest things for love. I keep going back for more punishment but things are improving little by little.

[loulou1986]

I guess thats why they say love is blind!!

I just dont want to feel that way about him anymore and yet whenever i see him i can feel the chaser instinct rear its ugly head

[selene]

loulou, congratulations on your second baby and congratulations on the hard work that you have put in.

What kind of emotions did your twin trigger, except the obvious anxiety and perhaps guilt towards your husband that you mention? It sounds like what you felt was intense, but I don't quite understand the quality of this intensity. Did you feel love or lust for him? I am sorry for the 'interrogation', I don't mean it to sound like I am storming you with questions but I do wonder what it is like to meet a twin after the 'dance' part has stopped.

I don't think there is anything you should feel bad about your reaction... It certainly doesn't sound like you care that much to see him again and it doesn't sound like you were really back in 2014. To be honest, this whole thing sounds like a little bout of 'social anxiety' at an awkward encounter, rather than doing anything really wrong. I think it's definitely a test, but I also really believed you did quite well.

[loulou1986]

Ahh thank you Alyanna :) We are over the moon with our little bub he has certainly helped to heal alot within our relationship.

As far as emotions go im really not sure how i felt. Shocked at first to just see him in my hometown, then i just wanted him to have seen me too as i wasnt sure if he had. When we DID we wave it was a bit awkward, and then obviously straight away i wished i had driven round again. I felt embarassed incase he had already seen me and was thinking oh god..there she is again!!!! Like i said, i've always felt like the chaser. We had an encounter last year where i saw him in the flesh and tried to speak to him and he totally shut me down. It was just the most embarassing and sicky feeling and i suppose i really want to turn the tables. Maybe thats why i always think i'll just ignore him 'next time'. So childish!! I just want him to be happy to see me (on the very rare odd times we do)

He drove past me a few weeks ago actually and nearly broke his neck straining to see me and i was stupidly buzzing for hours after (again, cringe!) I never really knew how he felt and i never told him how i felt so i suppose if i see him, and hes happy it reassures me he felt SOMETHING?? i dont know....

[selene]

there is nothing wrong with wanting him to be happy to see you :). I hadn't realized you never told him. wow... yes, I think you did very well under these circumstances. I would be very proud of myself if I were you. You seem to have handled everything with grace and love.