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  #1  
Old 29-08-2018, 09:59 PM
FaithR FaithR is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 50
 
Question I Need Advice

Hi. I am needing advice for a few things. Firstly, I've been meditating and affirming in order to manifest abundance in my life. I have been very content, regardless of problems. I am very optimistic.

1.) I have struggled with Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder since I was 13 or 14. I can't even believe it's been that long. It has been a long, destructive, strengthening experience. I have struggled with physical, mental, and what I perceive to be spiritual damage due to this disorder. I think that it is linked to other disorders, such as ADD and OCD, which I have never gotten treatment for for personal reasons. When I daydream excessively, past negative experiences arrive in my thoughts. I think it's because they are experiences between myself and others that I have always felt I needed closure for or that I feel hurt by. I will imagine myself being violent towards people I felt abused by or imagine that those people are silent and forced to hear what I have to say about them and about the way they make me feel. I am moving on and do not allow myself to become stuck in the same cycle of negativity, but I do go to those depths, which still cause me to be upset even though I come out of them. I am becoming more self-aware of this problem and therefore, using more self-control, although it still happens. I get very upset with myself. I tend to feel like all of those positive affirmations have gotten muddied because of something I have struggled with for years that truly is going to take a while to fully control. I might never be able to. I don't know. I feel multiple things at once and I always ask the universe "why". Like, why do I feel these things? I have been told I "overthink" and I don't even like that word. I just want to know why I shouldn't feel so bad about myself. And I want to know how to trust myself more because I do tell myself that I AM going to move on, whatever that means. I do think I need to participate in therapy eventually, but it is not in my plans right now for personal reasons. I am doing what I know to do to help myself right now.

2.) I am 20 years old. I still live with my parents [figurative]. I have had this all-encompassing urge to just run away from everybody. I don't have a car or a license. But if I did, I feel like I would drive away until I can't drive anymore. I have gone through so much that I feel the urge every single day to get away from everybody I see every day. I always feel like someone needs me. I do believe I'm needed and I know that and I don't have a problem with that if that is part of what I was put on this Earth for. Mainly, I've been struggling with my grandmother. The past with her was very difficult for me. I think about a lot of negative experiences that I've had with her that have changed me for better or for worse. The medical term would probably be PTSD. Well, my great grandmother is now in the nursing home. My grandmother has been very upset about it. So, my grandmother calls me or texts me every day. She asks for me to go places with her. She asks for me to go with her to visit my great grandmother in the nursing home. I feel very misunderstood because I am 20 and I have had a strong association with my grandmother since I was 14 or 15 because she put so much responsibility on me. I don't think she has a very good comprehension of how different we are as people (personality and age-wise). She is also needing money. She mentioned taking courses to become certified for a specific profession. She asked me if I would do it with her. The point I'm trying to make is that I feel like I can never get away from her. She was crying and told me that I'm all that she has. I understand, but I don't know how to feel like there is a healthy boundary between her and I. She lives right across the street from me. If I turned my phone off, I think I'd feel anxious because I feel like she'd be texting or calling me, needing me. I just feel trapped right now. I'm at a point in my life that I am sure I can have a good future if I will just keep hanging in there.

I know that this was a lot to read. Please excuse that. Any help at all is appreciated!
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  #2  
Old 30-08-2018, 02:44 AM
Empowers Empowers is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 234
 
First of all, if your personal reasons are not "because I can't afford it right now" then get therapy. If you can't afford private, then try to find some resources that are available to help you that is not private counselling. I don't know where you live so I can't suggest any options but that is my first, best advice to you.

The reason is because you have many things that you are struggling with and therapy will help you learn coping methods. You have a lot to go through and therapy will help you keep your balance when you need to be regrounded.

You should know that therapy is never my first suggestion to people but in this case, I see so many benefits for you that you can't even imagine yet.

You've asked a few questions in your first paragraph "why do I feel these things?" and "why shouldn't I feel so bad about myself".

You are not alone in feeling violence in daydreams. I experienced it daily after my dad died. I have even had a similar daydream about forcing someone to be quiet while I made them listen. This was to a work person and I asked for it of my boss who said yes, they would arrange it. Suddenly, I no longer needed it.

These things helped me to understand that it was a part of me crying out, screaming to be heard, screaming at injustice. It was the clear validation that I received from my boss that helped me understand this... I was vindicated, I was accepted, I was treated unjustly and my wounds were being acknowledged.

With the violence after my dad died, I'm afraid that I just had to ride that out. It was for the same reasons though - I was suffering an injustice that had not been acknowledged sufficiently. The only one who could acknowledge that one though was me. So I had to slowly and gently allow myself to feel my pain and recognize it was real and it was just.

I don't know if you relate to any of that but perhaps similar things are happening in your psyche? That you have did not feel validated, vindicated or had the acknowledgement you needed?

To your urge to run, this makes complete sense to me... your entire #2 was describing feeling trapped. This seems similar to #1 to me because you are still not being acknowledged and can't take the assertive stance because you worry about the one you love. This, by the way, is part of codependence. Another thing that many people suffer from - feeling responsible for another person's emotions. You might also want to ask about this in therapy too.

It seems a lot of you is crying for acknowledgement. Maybe start some exercises where you journal what you would want to happen that would actually move the emotion to a different place... or where you note through the day the things that trigger you to feeling these things and then have a session with yourself where you try to see the underlying connection between things. Knowledge is power.

Another thing I would recommend to you is a regular routine of guided meditations. Because you daydream, it would be important to be guided so you could focus your mind. Find ones on youtube that help clarity and connection and you may find you are spontaneously learning more steps you can take that will bring you answers.

Finally...

Why should you not feel so bad about yourself?

You are THE most important person in your life. You need YOU. You need to do what it takes to feel better about yourself. You are THE ONLY person who is going to do it and you are the ONLY person who should do it.

You need to take the care you need, and you deserve it because there is only one of you and you need to treat that unique, special individual with all the love you can muster. Maybe it's not as big as it can be right now, but you must give it everything you can.

You'll get better at it, so long as you keep moving.

Not "moving on"... just 'moving'.

<3
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  #3  
Old 30-08-2018, 03:26 AM
FaithR FaithR is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 50
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Empowers
First of all, if your personal reasons are not "because I can't afford it right now" then get therapy. If you can't afford private, then try to find some resources that are available to help you that is not private counselling. I don't know where you live so I can't suggest any options but that is my first, best advice to you.

The reason is because you have many things that you are struggling with and therapy will help you learn coping methods. You have a lot to go through and therapy will help you keep your balance when you need to be regrounded.

You should know that therapy is never my first suggestion to people but in this case, I see so many benefits for you that you can't even imagine yet.

You've asked a few questions in your first paragraph "why do I feel these things?" and "why shouldn't I feel so bad about myself".

You are not alone in feeling violence in daydreams. I experienced it daily after my dad died. I have even had a similar daydream about forcing someone to be quiet while I made them listen. This was to a work person and I asked for it of my boss who said yes, they would arrange it. Suddenly, I no longer needed it.

These things helped me to understand that it was a part of me crying out, screaming to be heard, screaming at injustice. It was the clear validation that I received from my boss that helped me understand this... I was vindicated, I was accepted, I was treated unjustly and my wounds were being acknowledged.

With the violence after my dad died, I'm afraid that I just had to ride that out. It was for the same reasons though - I was suffering an injustice that had not been acknowledged sufficiently. The only one who could acknowledge that one though was me. So I had to slowly and gently allow myself to feel my pain and recognize it was real and it was just.

I don't know if you relate to any of that but perhaps similar things are happening in your psyche? That you have did not feel validated, vindicated or had the acknowledgement you needed?

To your urge to run, this makes complete sense to me... your entire #2 was describing feeling trapped. This seems similar to #1 to me because you are still not being acknowledged and can't take the assertive stance because you worry about the one you love. This, by the way, is part of codependence. Another thing that many people suffer from - feeling responsible for another person's emotions. You might also want to ask about this in therapy too.

It seems a lot of you is crying for acknowledgement. Maybe start some exercises where you journal what you would want to happen that would actually move the emotion to a different place... or where you note through the day the things that trigger you to feeling these things and then have a session with yourself where you try to see the underlying connection between things. Knowledge is power.

Another thing I would recommend to you is a regular routine of guided meditations. Because you daydream, it would be important to be guided so you could focus your mind. Find ones on youtube that help clarity and connection and you may find you are spontaneously learning more steps you can take that will bring you answers.

Finally...

Why should you not feel so bad about yourself?

You are THE most important person in your life. You need YOU. You need to do what it takes to feel better about yourself. You are THE ONLY person who is going to do it and you are the ONLY person who should do it.

You need to take the care you need, and you deserve it because there is only one of you and you need to treat that unique, special individual with all the love you can muster. Maybe it's not as big as it can be right now, but you must give it everything you can.

You'll get better at it, so long as you keep moving.

Not "moving on"... just 'moving'.

<3

I totally agree with you that I should participate in therapy and that it would benefit me greatly. Thank you for sharing the story about what happened after your father's death. I agree that it is a crying-out for acknowledgement and that the relationship between my grandmother and I has been one of codependency. For now, I have been meditating daily. It is greatly helping me. In my meditations, I ask for guidance and direction from the universe and spirits of peace, love, and positivity. I will see what guided meditation on YouTube is like. I also listen to binaural beats and it truly does help. I enjoy it so much. I will keep moving. Thank you!
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  #4  
Old 30-08-2018, 12:06 PM
Baile Baile is offline
Master
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,669
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithR
I get very upset with myself.

I am moving on and do not allow myself to become stuck in the same cycle of negativity, but I do go to those depths, which still cause me to be upset even though I come out of them. I am becoming more self-aware of this problem and therefore, using more self-control, although it still happens.

I don't have a car or a license. But if I did, I feel like I would drive away until I can't drive anymore. I have gone through so much that I feel the urge every single day to get away from everybody I see every day.

I just feel trapped right now.
Hi FaithR. I highlighted the parts I could have written about myself when I was 17. At that time in my life I lived in a "black hole" as I called it, for days at a time. And as I have discovered since, much of my unhappiness had to do with being upset with myself, and with being too hard on myself.

But I did feel terribly trapped; that was very real to me. And so I packed up a backpack one day and hit the highway. Went hitchhiking across the country, just got away from it all, didn't even tell my parents I was leaving. Wrote them a letter 2-3 months later telling them I was okay and not to worry. That's what I did; that's how I handled it.

My general opinion is people trap themselves into an unreality of their own electronic creation. Get rid of your cell, stop texting and following Twitter, and in a few weeks you'll understand what I mean (I don't own a cell and never have). Getting back to nature is my way of getting back to balance and well-being. You can't know if you in fact require therapy until you at least try some holistic and healing alternatives first. So many of the problems we have, we create for ourselves via our life choices. Change the life choice and the problem goes away. It's usually no more complicated than that.

It takes courage to break the mould, to be different, to go against the flow. Not for everyone I understand, as it can be and is a very lonely path at times. All the best.
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  #5  
Old 30-08-2018, 12:21 PM
Baile Baile is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,669
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Also, when all is said and done, your life is about you and nobody else. You can have empathy for your grandmother, but her issues are hers, and are not your issues. An important life lesson every healthy person learns is how to stand up to people who knowingly or unknowingly pressure you and weigh you down. You can start by getting rid of all the easy and unconscious ways she is allowed to do that -- get rid of your phone as I said, or change your phone number so she can't text. But tell her you're doing it, and why. That way she at least understands your thinking and cannot hold it against you. And she may even learn something, and possibly even begin to change for the better. Honesty and openness are always very important; they are healing change-agents in fact.
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  #6  
Old 30-08-2018, 06:32 PM
FaithR FaithR is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 50
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baile
Hi FaithR. I highlighted the parts I could have written about myself when I was 17. At that time in my life I lived in a "black hole" as I called it, for days at a time. And as I have discovered since, much of my unhappiness had to do with being upset with myself, and with being too hard on myself.

But I did feel terribly trapped; that was very real to me. And so I packed up a backpack one day and hit the highway. Went hitchhiking across the country, just got away from it all, didn't even tell my parents I was leaving. Wrote them a letter 2-3 months later telling them I was okay and not to worry. That's what I did; that's how I handled it.

My general opinion is people trap themselves into an unreality of their own electronic creation. Get rid of your cell, stop texting and following Twitter, and in a few weeks you'll understand what I mean (I don't own a cell and never have). Getting back to nature is my way of getting back to balance and well-being. You can't know if you in fact require therapy until you at least try some holistic and healing alternatives first. So many of the problems we have, we create for ourselves via our life choices. Change the life choice and the problem goes away. It's usually no more complicated than that.

It takes courage to break the mould, to be different, to go against the flow. Not for everyone I understand, as it can be and is a very lonely path at times. All the best.

Wow. The fact that you did that at 17 years old is very admirable. When I was 15 or 16, I stopped using Twitter. I obviously grew up in the digital age, so by the time I was 11, I was using it. At 17, I stopped using Facebook. Since then, I've created new profiles a few times and a few days or weeks later, deleted it again. I'm sure it's been over a year since I've used Facebook. I made up my mind at that time that I don't like using Facebook and would never again, but maybe when I'm all settled and living as good as possible, I'll use it and will have some good things to share. I think eventually, a new website will emerge by then.

I don't want to get rid of my phone because I'm definitely not obsessed with using it. I wouldn't even mind going a few weeks, maybe even a month, without it. I could go a year. It would be hard, but I could.

I agree with you about getting back to nature and trying holistic healing alternatives and that the life choices we make are very important. I feel at one with everything and I meditate outside. I love it. I step barefoot on the ground to help cleanse my root chakra and I sit on the grass when meditating. I definitely see what has gone wrong with the use of electronics, but I see how they are also used positively and I try to use them positively. I am very sensitive to the use of electronics, so it's not long before I tell myself that's "enough" and go on to relish the present moment.
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  #7  
Old 30-08-2018, 06:39 PM
FaithR FaithR is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 50
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baile
Also, when all is said and done, your life is about you and nobody else. You can have empathy for your grandmother, but her issues are hers, and are not your issues. An important life lesson every healthy person learns is how to stand up to people who knowingly or unknowingly pressure you and weigh you down. You can start by getting rid of all the easy and unconscious ways she is allowed to do that -- get rid of your phone as I said, or change your phone number so she can't text. But tell her you're doing it, and why. That way she at least understands your thinking and cannot hold it against you. And she may even learn something, and possibly even begin to change for the better. Honesty and openness are always very important; they are healing change-agents in fact.

Indeed. I am an empath, so setting boundaries is a lesson I have learned the hard way, but it is worth it. Thank you so much for the advice you've taken time to give me.
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