Taking off the mask

[HopeForever]

I don’t know who to express this to so I will write it here and some answers might come up...

Growing up my dad was in my memories short tempered and verbally abusive towards my mom, putting her down and belittling her whenever she made a mistake and I would defend her. He would defend his behavior by stating he’s a perfectionist. By writing this down I just realized how I internalized this. When I am not perfect or if I make a mistake it’s like I have to fight this internal voice that says I am a failure, there’s no grey area, but I am working on finding that grea area and I need to remind myself that a mistake does not make me a failure, it can be a learning process, I can be gentle with myself even if I don’t measure up to some unattainable standards...

There wasn’t just dad...there was bullying, a lot of it. I was already shy and introverted to begin with and I think this really isolated me further from people.

What I really wanted to do is relate this to men. First of all growing up it’s like I wanted to prove the men I loved (who were awful by the way) that I was good enough, which of course would never work. I got a lot of validation from my dad and ex about my career and that kept me going.

I’m not sure when or how but somewhere along the way there I built a wall. I never loved my ex but I stayed with him because it felt safe to be with someone who gave me a little validation. I am proud because over the years I’ve been gradually removing the wall brick by brick. The wall represents pushing people away, not getting attached emotionally, hiding emotions, lying, putting on a tough mask, pretending, etc. I’ve removed the bricks and I have many healthy relationships with people around me including friends, coworkers, etc but no romance.

I was and used to be a very emotional person and would often cry in front of men which in turn got me comments about being too sensitive,you need to toughen up, etc. The last guy I thought I loved made fun of me when I said I was strong. He was the last and one of the few guys who saw me at my worst.

A few months ago I went two dates with a guy who was super nice and positive and it led me to over share and open too much I think - I was really taking a risk in opening up and it didn’t kill me but big disappointment.

If anyone is still reading, this leads me to recent events. I know a man in a work context but I have no idea about his status and I do have a crush on him, I feel like romance might not be the reason he’s in my life...When I first met him I didn’t really like him, felt he was cocky. I suspect a spiritual connection which I can’t label - he is older, I tend to like older men, we look exactly alike as if we’re related, there’s strange synchronicities. This is a work context in which I rarely see him BUT something major involving me has happened twice now. I can’t go into details but from a logical stance I am not to blame for these events. But they are difficult events and my internal voice has worked overtime in the blame and failure language. This man has known a lot about both events and even if I wish I could impress him with my achievements, I feel like he’s only seen me at my worst because of those two events. He’s been really nice to me in the short conversations we had and it surprised me...but then I questioned what does he really think.

So here we have a man who feels like a father figure, who seems from afar like he has high standards, I’m attracted to him (hi Freud!), and without really doing anything at all, I end up in situations that make me question my competence, I am unable to do the “look how good I am” bit. No ego allowed. He seems genuinely nice but I can’t pick at his brain to know is he judging me. And now that I write this down, maybe the lesson is so what if he judges me? Does that take away from my value because he sees me a certain way?

Ok, so maybe the point is I can be loved and I deserve love even if I am not perfect, even if I make mistakes, maybe the right man whoever he is will feel some kind of unconditional love that goes beyond what I do or don’t do. And I need to stop trying to prove to men by my achievements that I am worthy of love. Yes that’s it. I think.

Certainly doesn't take anything from your value however someone else sees you. There are billions in the world, each will see you in a different way but that doesn't affect your "you-ness"/self.

A few people here pretend otherwise but we're all assessing the people we meet for any of hundreds of reasons. Call it judging if you want but in converging on any sort of relationship, business, personal whatever, we interpret what people mean to us. Only the most vacuous person wouldn't especially if they're ready to accept all.

I think just accepting individuals as they are is good and right - difficult at times not to interfere with their individuality but when we have to relate to them we have to know how everything is likely to fit.

[Jack of Spades]

Just a few random thoughts:

- I think your father might have used perfectionism as an excuse for being rude and abusive. One can be a perfectionist without being abusive.

- I think your partners who have bashed you for crying have been really mean. Not all men do that. When I care about a woman and she starts crying in my presence, my typical reaction is to offer her a hankie, not to criticize her.

- Being successful is not the only way to prove yourself. Handling a failure (or an appearance of failure, even if there is none) humbly, responsibly and with some grace is very impressive in the eyes of mature people. If someone gracefully handles a failure, or just a situation that makes them look bad, that can be very impressive.

- About labeling your interest into an older man a Freudian problem: May I suggest that you might just prefer a man who is mature, experienced and warm and as it happens, usually find those qualities in older men? Not every young woman who likes older men is secretly looking for a father. Part of the criticism young women who are attracted to older men get is simply because it's not considered fashionable. I wonder why people who prefer partners of their own age, never get accused of secretly looking for a brother or sister? It's the same logic

Again, these are just random thoughts for some thought food. You know your own situation obviously better than someone else does.

[heartsound]

Look within, it is never about them. Work on self esteem.