Invisible restraints in life

[zhu86]

For years now i am stuck in a state of depression. But i learned to see it as something good, i have learned a lot in this time and have grown spiritualy. The other thing is, this whole state is like an invisible prison. It forces me to not take care about my body anymore. When i was younger i allways wanted to look my best. I did workout, styled my hair, had fun putting together nice outfits...
Now i just don't care about it because i don't want to attract other people and think looks are just a shallow thing.

Now something happened. I had a crush on someone who was all about the looks (i know it's shallow but i was so drawn to him). Suddenly my whole outlook changed. I wanted to get fit as soon as possible and do a complete make over. I actually felt something like fun and my teenager excitement was all there again. I felt ALIVE again!

So i started working on myself, even though the crush was allready over. But i was motivated enough to become this old me again. After one week i saw first results. That's when my depression started to kick back in... harder than ever before... I felt the emptiness inside, could'nt get my *** back up to do anything, started to eat junk food again... now i'm here back at square one.

It's been this way many times before. What invisible force is it that doesn't want me to enjoy life? I feel so seperated from everyone else. My skin has allways been really bad, i have Trich (pulling hair out) which won't let me wear trendy hair cuts, plus other things that are not good to look at. So i would allways remain "invisible".

I would be cool with it if it was a spiritual lesson. Like looks are shallow, what matters is the inner values. But i allready know all that. I am the last one to put looks over character. It's just my hobby to look as best as possible, style myself. So why do i allways get this restraint when trying to break out of this low energy lifestyle i am in right now??? I don't get it...