Defining it for what it is

[Beautywithin]

Originally Posted by Seenthelight

Hello

I'm not going to go into lots of detail about the connection I have with this man, save to say:
* I met him 10 years ago at work and within 5 months realised I had developed feelings for him
* We were and are both married, me with a family which has since extended
* I had to leave the job because I wanted to focus on my marriage and I couldn't with him around, it was that intense
* Nothing ever actually happened but we did grow closer in the weeks leading up to my departure. We hugged on my leaving day and we met once outside of work after that, but only for 45 mins coffee.
* After that, I fell into some sort of hell/abyss/dark night of the soul that triggered the growth and learning that oh.my.goodness was the making of who I am today.
And since:
* It has been 6 years since I last saw him face to face to speak to.
* never a day goes by when he doesn't cross my mind, even when my last child was born almost 4 years ago.
* I went through a period of about a year when my child was born where he didn't cross my mind so much - hormones probably
* I had episodes of intense emotions about him that would come weeks or months apart and usually were triggered by a dream
* This latest episode has lasted since November 2016 though. Since he changed his profile pic to something I, well, wow.
* This led me to find out more about limerence, which I explored but left me with so many questions (I am still exploring these)

The biggest one being - why does this persist - why this particular person. It doesn't matter what I am doing, where I am. There is this intangible SOMETHING that I can't explain, that connects me to this person. I feel on the verge of us coming back into contact but not sure if that is just me and wishful thinking. I don't want a romantic relationship with him. I understand that is not what this connection is about. But it is just something that, for 10 years, I cannot explain or place. I know to me his energy feels like 'me', if that makes sense. Although I have only a memory to go on and we are obviously very different people nowadays. We are in contact on FB but rarely speak - he responded to a recent post of mine though which has got me all of a pfffttttt.

I don't know what I am after posting here -advice, or validation/confirmation or sharing with others so fire at me what you wish...

Our stories are so similar, although its been exactly 1yr since i last saw and spoke to my twin flame, it still hurts so much.... i left my job a year ago as i couldn't handle seeing him every day ( it got to the point we couldn't even talk to each other ) i easily thought after a yr of no contact or seeing him, it would of got easier for me, but it hasn't, and like you as soon as i have a dream of him i'm back at square one,

There was never nothing physical between us, but the connection was something else,

So many times i have wanted to email him, but i don't as i'm sure he has happily moved on, the only comfort i do get, is i did get to tell him how i felt about him...

The thought of still feeling like this in another 9yrs time fills me with dread, a part of me is missing and i don't feel complete anymore, i am not the person i was... some ways it has made me better in others it hasnt, as im more closed off now.

[Seenthelight]

Hi, thanks so much for your response. I can totally relate to your pain - it does get easier to handle, that much is for sure. The pain eases, the longing eases, over time. Try and live your life, try and do all the things you want to do, grow from your experiences. I did this, because I was where you are now and had the spiritual insight and self awareness to recognise that this was going to be about ME. So as much as I struggled to let go - and oh the temptation to contact him (we have always been connected on FB), to go and visit him. Or when I did connect with him - usually through my own initiating - the high would be amazing.

I am still feeling the high from Friday even now, on Tuesday. Thoughts about him are not as invasive as they were before I saw him though. This is an interesting pattern - the longing/thoughts/etc are much much stronger than if I see him. It is as if I 'recharge' as I said in an earlier post.

I want to see him, again. I want to speak to him, have the conversation I wished I had had all those years ago. You told him - how did that go?

Originally Posted by Beautywithin

Our stories are so similar, although its been exactly 1yr since i last saw and spoke to my twin flame, it still hurts so much.... i left my job a year ago as i couldn't handle seeing him every day ( it got to the point we couldn't even talk to each other ) i easily thought after a yr of no contact or seeing him, it would of got easier for me, but it hasn't, and like you as soon as i have a dream of him i'm back at square one,

There was never nothing physical between us, but the connection was something else,

So many times i have wanted to email him, but i don't as i'm sure he has happily moved on, the only comfort i do get, is i did get to tell him how i felt about him...

The thought of still feeling like this in another 9yrs time fills me with dread, a part of me is missing and i don't feel complete anymore, i am not the person i was... some ways it has made me better in others it hasnt, as im more closed off now.

[Beautywithin]

Originally Posted by Seenthelight

Hi, thanks so much for your response. I can totally relate to your pain - it does get easier to handle, that much is for sure. The pain eases, the longing eases, over time. Try and live your life, try and do all the things you want to do, grow from your experiences. I did this, because I was where you are now and had the spiritual insight and self awareness to recognise that this was going to be about ME. So as much as I struggled to let go - and oh the temptation to contact him (we have always been connected on FB), to go and visit him. Or when I did connect with him - usually through my own initiating - the high would be amazing.

I am still feeling the high from Friday even now, on Tuesday. Thoughts about him are not as invasive as they were before I saw him though. This is an interesting pattern - the longing/thoughts/etc are much much stronger than if I see him. It is as if I 'recharge' as I said in an earlier post.

I want to see him, again. I want to speak to him, have the conversation I wished I had had all those years ago. You told him - how did that go?

I'm glad you got to see him again even if it did take 10yrs, Did you feel nervous when you saw him? mine always had that impression on me, my heart would race so fast, Mine took me off facebook when he said he started developing feelings for me, as we are both married, he was trying to do the right thing which resulted in him not talking to me properly at work, he came to my leavers do and that night i told him everything, how much i cared for him, he said he felt the same, but we're both married with children, we had to do the right thing by them, it was the best night as just getting to chat to him without other people around my soul felt at rest, i'll cherish that night forever...

[Seenthelight]

Originally Posted by Beautywithin

I'm glad you got to see him again even if it did take 10yrs, Did you feel nervous when you saw him? mine always had that impression on me, my heart would race so fast, Mine took me off facebook when he said he started developing feelings for me, as we are both married, he was trying to do the right thing which resulted in him not talking to me properly at work, he came to my leavers do and that night i told him everything, how much i cared for him, he said he felt the same, but we're both married with children, we had to do the right thing by them, it was the best night as just getting to chat to him without other people around my soul felt at rest, i'll cherish that night forever...

I don't have the words to respond, because I know and understand what pain you must be feeling. What a night. Oh wow. My own last night at work was good - but so many words left unspoken. We usually finished our shift at 9 - he would be out the door as quick as anything. But he stayed with me for another 10 minutes or so. We hugged a couple of times but nothing was said about anything. I am happy to share my story with you, if you wish. I will pm you tomorrow as I am leaving work now and don't access the site so much at home.

But oh yes I felt sick when I went to this place on Friday. I knew there was a strong possibility he would be there. I was so nervous when I heard him laughing. I knew he had seen me because I just knew. He certainly stuck around to make sure he found out why I was there. The energy, for me, was electric. There is no way he wouldn't have felt it too - but then that could just be wishful thinking. The way he looked at me, was as if from the soul, as if my soul was reaching out to him.

[Beautywithin]

Originally Posted by Seenthelight

I don't have the words to respond, because I know and understand what pain you must be feeling. What a night. Oh wow. My own last night at work was good - but so many words left unspoken. We usually finished our shift at 9 - he would be out the door as quick as anything. But he stayed with me for another 10 minutes or so. We hugged a couple of times but nothing was said about anything. I am happy to share my story with you, if you wish. I will pm you tomorrow as I am leaving work now and don't access the site so much at home.

But oh yes I felt sick when I went to this place on Friday. I knew there was a strong possibility he would be there. I was so nervous when I heard him laughing. I knew he had seen me because I just knew. He certainly stuck around to make sure he found out why I was there. The energy, for me, was electric. There is no way he wouldn't have felt it too - but then that could just be wishful thinking. The way he looked at me, was as if from the soul, as if my soul was reaching out to him.

Yes please do message me, Is good to talk to someone else who knows what i am going through,

[Inika]

Originally Posted by Seenthelight

Thank you, you ask such pertinent questions.
Firstly, these are the questions that I battle with daily, and have done for 10 years. Still not finding answers. I am, for the most part, rational minded, so I can't fully subscribe to the TF theories that abound. But I know what I feel and experience - I just don't have an explanation for it because that framework has eluded me so far. I just keep coming back to 'it is what it is'.

We have 2 people who have been with their spouses for around 20 years, and I know he loves his long term girlfriend like I love my husband. I just know that. I want to stay with my husband and he likely wants to stay with his girlfriend. This isn't about a romantic connection though.

We are both energy - one awakened (me) and he is not (though may have had a nudge over the last 10 years). I could sense that energy all those years ago, and it scared me because I was otherwise happy with my life. What this connection initially brought was a heck of a lot of guilt because How was I attracted (in whichever way) to this man, when I had everything I needed at home.

And now, all these years later, I have more than I ever could wish for (partly as a result of the acceleration I experienced through meeting this person). Yet the energy, when I meet him again after 6 years, is the same.

And I still don't understand its purpose.

Your final question: what has been born since meeting him? I don't know where to begin other than to say that I am a completely different person from 10 years ago: confident, happy, living an abundant life. I am more creative, wise. I have learned compassion along the way, I have become highly intuitive and empathic too.

I leave it alone, I let it be, I want him to be happy and with the girl he loves. But when he and I are in the same room, something happens - to me, at the very least. He has this effect on me, no, impact on me. By the look on his face he felt something too, and I could feel it.

I don't know, I just feel like I am banging my head on a brick wall sometimes trying to figure this out :(

I get it. And i like to go deeper in posts like these. I can tell you have 'morals' which prevent you.
These 'connections' are not created for a sordid affair anyway.
The guilt stops you. Look at why. Why are you guilty? Thats the mind being cunning and to listen to the mind or to listen to 'good consciousness' that says 'its naughty and bad to mess with married people'. Our minds constantly narrate stories and have cunning ideas. We then feel guilty about what our mind produced and 'stop' the other person getting too close as if it's their fault for producing such things in our mind due to the attraction. Its all in the mind. The mind decides. There is an attraction, this automatically can only mean one thing.....then the story occurs.
Why can there not be a friendship? There can, full of fantasies. Which create more guilt.
You know other people would get hurt.
You'd rather be hurt, get hurt, then hurt another and have that karma on your hands. Like the sacrafice of giving up a soul mate to spare other people getting sad, to spare them an inevitable lesson in their life. And to avoid your own lesson.
The mind. Wants it to be a certain way and have an outcome. The soul needs growth and some ways to get that are through situations exactly like these.

[Seenthelight]

Originally Posted by Inika

I get it. And i like to go deeper in posts like these. I can tell you have 'morals' which prevent you.
These 'connections' are not created for a sordid affair anyway.
The guilt stops you. Look at why. Why are you guilty? Thats the mind being cunning and to listen to the mind or to listen to 'good consciousness' that says 'its naughty and bad to mess with married people'. Our minds constantly narrate stories and have cunning ideas. We then feel guilty about what our mind produced and 'stop' the other person getting too close as if it's their fault for producing such things in our mind due to the attraction. Its all in the mind. The mind decides. There is an attraction, this automatically can only mean one thing.....then the story occurs.
Why can there not be a friendship? There can, full of fantasies. Which create more guilt.
You know other people would get hurt.
You'd rather be hurt, get hurt, then hurt another and have that karma on your hands. Like the sacrafice of giving up a soul mate to spare other people getting sad, to spare them an inevitable lesson in their life. And to avoid your own lesson.
The mind. Wants it to be a certain way and have an outcome. The soul needs growth and some ways to get that are through situations exactly like these.

Thank you Inika. You hit it on the head. I started working with this guy, within a few months realised I was attracted but because I was happy already felt guilty and needed an explanation as to why him, why now. But I also had my spirituality. I knew I had to go through this whole thing, and knew that it was with my husband. I tried to tell him so many times but couldnt find the words.

I feel deep within that I am meant to be with my husband for the rest of our lives. I also feel that I am not meant to make a life with this other man. That is a given and always has been.

I was actually talking to my husband in a round about way about this last night - we talked about giving people of the opposite sex compliments and how it can be misconstrued by the other person or those around. The same happens when a married woman and married man become friends outside of the couples. People frown and ask questions, including their spouses.

I have gone through life finding it difficult to make male friends. I have always had the sense that there is that one male friend out there - thing is I get so confused about this guy who I feel this incredible connection with. All at once he feels like friend, brother, and someone I have to admit I am sexually attracted to at times.

I am a very reserved person - don't want to give wrong impression (or at least that is who I was back when I met him) - and if I get to know someone, they get to see the real me. Only that real me can be pretty passionate and full on, unafraid of saying things or indicating interest. I think that both scared and intrigued him. We did grow closer, before I left my job. And it was that that hurt the most I think, coupled with - why can't we just be friends and not have to worry about the social stigma attached to it.

I tried to shake him off, and for a year or two I was pretty free from thoughts and feelings of him. Then it just hits me and I don't feel any different now than back then. And the questions becomes - why STILL him??

Sorry if that makes no sense! But thanks, you ask the questions I need to address.

[Tortoise Walks]

Hi Seenthelight,

Firstly... how enjoyable to see your connection! Wishing you smooth integration of whatever follows ;-)

I can completely relate about the challenge in making/keeping male friends... at least since I became married and a parent. I used to enjoy really close male friends till they started dropping off or shifting to match the pattern of women can be friends and men can be friends and while men and women could be friends they can't be too close of friends because that would be too uncomfortable for some or socially unacceptable. People might get the wrong idea. Oh the gossip!!!

I do enjoy the friendship of the partners of my male friends but hey... I really appreciated shared time and connection with my male friends too. I note how my newer friendships with men (over the last 8 years) will be going great... almost too well... and then suddenly that's that - especially if I happen to have more in common with the man of the couple more so than the woman. They disappear or things turn super weird out of the blue. Sometimes I suspect their partners are uncomfortable and requested an end to our friendship and in our society I know how that goes... I become the expendable party.

You know... I am open to friends and am not out to break up marriages. I don't think I could if I even had a desire to try (which I don't). In my own life and marriage I've discovered that third parties don't break up couples/marriages. The couple breaks up the couple with their own choices and relating issues. Third parties may trigger and compound issues that come to the surface but they were there all along. Whether the couple/marriage lasts depends on what the two do with respect to building and solidifying their own relationship such that it is not such a delicate assembly waiting to fall over at the presence of people we genuinely like (or even strangers as the case may be). Or maybe it will last indefinitely (without deep authentic work) because that's what you do so long as both parties don't rock the boat too much, meh.

I personally don't think the generalized/normative separation of the sexes that I see and experience in my environment helps to heal the divide between men and women. It only entrenches the ideas that the other girl/woman/friend means nothing to them to assure a wife. Keeping men on track for not engaging authentically/deeply with women in their environment lest they be called out and given grievance for caring and being interested in other women. What's left is the topical abstraction. Talk about dehumanizing... Unless we can ALL accept the value and importance of different kinds/levels of bonds (friends, soulmate, soul connection, etc) between people and the energy that sometimes comes along with it without undue control then we'll keep seeing more of the same, IMO.

I'm really interested in this topic.

TW

[Seenthelight]

perfectly put. It's rubbish though how we just can't be simply friends.

Originally Posted by Tortoise Walks

Hi Seenthelight,

Firstly... how enjoyable to see your connection! Wishing you smooth integration of whatever follows ;-)

I can completely relate about the challenge in making/keeping male friends... at least since I became married and a parent. I used to enjoy really close male friends till they started dropping off or shifting to match the pattern of women can be friends and men can be friends and while men and women could be friends they can't be too close of friends because that would be too uncomfortable for some or socially unacceptable. People might get the wrong idea. Oh the gossip!!!

I do enjoy the friendship of the partners of my male friends but hey... I really appreciated shared time and connection with my male friends too. I note how my newer friendships with men (over the last 8 years) will be going great... almost too well... and then suddenly that's that - especially if I happen to have more in common with the man of the couple more so than the woman. They disappear or things turn super weird out of the blue. Sometimes I suspect their partners are uncomfortable and requested an end to our friendship and in our society I know how that goes... I become the expendable party.

You know... I am open to friends and am not out to break up marriages. I don't think I could if I even had a desire to try (which I don't). In my own life and marriage I've discovered that third parties don't break up couples/marriages. The couple breaks up the couple with their own choices and relating issues. Third parties may trigger and compound issues that come to the surface but they were there all along. Whether the couple/marriage lasts depends on what the two do with respect to building and solidifying their own relationship such that it is not such a delicate assembly waiting to fall over at the presence of people we genuinely like (or even strangers as the case may be). Or maybe it will last indefinitely (without deep authentic work) because that's what you do so long as both parties don't rock the boat too much, meh.

I personally don't think the generalized/normative separation of the sexes that I see and experience in my environment helps to heal the divide between men and women. It only entrenches the ideas that the other girl/woman/friend means nothing to them to assure a wife. Keeping men on track for not engaging authentically/deeply with women in their environment lest they be called out and given grievance for caring and being interested in other women. What's left is the topical abstraction. Talk about dehumanizing... Unless we can ALL accept the value and importance of different kinds/levels of bonds (friends, soulmate, soul connection, etc) between people and the energy that sometimes comes along with it without undue control then we'll keep seeing more of the same, IMO.

I'm really interested in this topic.

TW

[Inika]

is it possible to be 'friends' with attraction there?

i wonder if guilt becomes conscious because deep in the conscious we are fully aaware of our desires.