Confused About My Journey

[Indigo_Sky]

For me, this last year has been about accepting my individuality and coming to self-love. I feel like I've made so much progress, but also through my spiritual journey, I've made different discoveries about my twin flame journey as well.

Originally, the person who I thought was my twin flame, I have realized is actually my false twin flame (in the way that I see it, just someone very close in the soul family but not the mirror). We will call him L. He was the first person I experienced a spiritual connection with, but I've also noticed so much toxicity over the years of knowing him. He gaslights me, lies, takes advantage of my money and makes me feel like garbage for even associating with him. In turn, I tear his character apart because I'm disgusted by the way he acts. We haven't talked in about a year but he recently contacted me again after no contact for that whole year to ask for my X-finity account password. This occurence made me have a really big epidome.

Now, to go a little further back in my story... Right when me and L had our first spiritual experience... I would say some kind of activation of kundalini energy that kick started my first spiritual awakening, I met my other friend. We will call him S. I met him the day after my awakening started. We connected right away and quickly became friends. I'm usually pretty picky about who I let into my life, but something about pursuing this relationship felt really important so I made an effort to answer his calls, attend his gigs and build a meaningful friendship with him. But for some reason, I was always scared of him, and even now, I still feel this hesitation every time we are around each other (and we probably see each other every day) because the energy is just so heavy. Last May, I moved in with S. I lived there until last month. And it was the literal hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I had to come to terms with so much about myself while being around someone else who has so many similar pros and cons to their personality as I do. And for us, our cons are both extremely destructive in the same way. We both have very strong, alpha-like personalities. We consider ourselves leaders. But in turn, we are also both manipulative, controlling and demand respect. So we kept getting in each other's way and I decided it was best for our relationship that I move out. It was rough and we didn't talk for about two weeks, but now I would say we are back to being best friends, appreciative of each other, respectful and loving.

So now back to the epitome I was talking about earlier. When L briefly came back into my life just to take advantage of me again, I made the sudden discovery that there is no way he was ever my twin flame. In that moment, I started realizing that the feelings with him were more dull, there wasn't unconditional care/love or support anywhere in our friendship and there wasn't trust. With S, despite our disagreements and struggle for power when we were in each other's space living together, there has always been love and support. Even when we disagreed. After an argument, it went the same way pretty much every time... I would get overly emotional and rush out the door/hang up the phone and sit in my car and cry for a few minutes out of frustration/hurt. Then he would usually call within minutes to say he was sorry and didn't want to be mad at me. I would apologize too and we move on, never bringing up the issue again but also respecting each other to not act in those ways to each other again. At least on my end, when I argued with boyfriends or other friends, I'm one to get really angry and start tearing apart their personality. It's never been that way with S. He's also not always a very nice person to other people either, but he also doesn't treat me like that. On another note, the connection I feel toward him is almost other-worldly and there are so many synchronicities in our lives pointing toward that maybe he has to be the true twin flame. Other examples are his house address is one number off from my childhood home that I grew up in my whole life. His license plate is the number pattern that has been important to me and what I've used for everything that requires a number my whole life. Our core five numbers in numerology are almost identical, except switched around a little bit. His personality number is my life path number, vise versa. Our destiny numbers are both the two highest master numbers (22 and 33). We were also born almost exactly a month apart from each other on the same year. We both drive very similar cars, have similar interests that a lot of people don't share with us... but we also have vastly different components to ourselves - opposites I would say. We are also a perfect balance of masculine and feminine. He is physically masculine but is divine feminine... I'm physically feminine but divine masculine.

I guess where I'm really starting to get confused here, though... is the longing that I've felt for him lately. I can't focus on work because these annoying thoughts of him obsessively come up. I can't control it, and it legitimately is effecting my work flow. I try to take a break, meditate, let all the feelings come out in meditation and then let them flow out of my mind in the ending part of the meditation. It helps for a little bit, but then the thoughts are back. I look forward to seeing him every day after work, because I know I always will. He asks to hang out pretty much every day... but then when I get there, I feel apprehensive and unsure, just wanting to go home again. But then when I go home, the intense thoughts come back. And at times, the thoughts become very sexual (and I'm really not a sexual person so it's difficult). The sexual thoughts are the most frustrating because I don't think I can have him in that way, despite how much I want to. We talked about it about a year ago and he wasn't into it. He said he thought it would be stupid to mix romance and sexuality into such an important relationship in life. I don't know where he stands on the matter now because signals are mixed from him... but I'm assuming he stands the same as he did a year ago- he's very infatuated with his long time significant other who he isn't together with anymore because the relationship was extremely toxic and abusive. He won't let go though, so I wouldn't even try talking to him about it again.

I try to take all of this with a grain of salt, because I don't know how important the twin flame journey really is in this simple physical existence... but something keeps telling me not to ignore it and to stop missing opportunities, stop living in denial and accept what is being presented... and these feelings have existed since I met S- I just wasn't as ready for them.

Does anyone have stories of their journey that they would like to share? Advice, thoughts or opinions about what I'm going through? I would love to hear your stories and give my thoughts if you're seeking as well!

[crystalbutterfly]

Sorry to hear about your false tf experience. You might want to do some research about anti-social personality disorder. You said "He gaslights me, lies, takes advantage of my money and makes me feel like garbage for even associating with him." Sounds like all of the characteristics of a sociopath. Stay away from this person, far away.........

[Indigo_Sky]

Hi there! Sorry for the way late response, I had forgotten about this until now. I know a lot about anti-social personality disorder. I grew up having borderline personality disorder and have since gotten over the illness for the most part. I don't really think my false twin is the important part in this... we haven't said a word to each other and probably will not. I'm more focused on the other person. I would also love to hear other's experiences! I'm disappointed that it didn't get a little response after so long... =p

[Inika]

these situations are not about the other person, you + the other. This is about you. You mention obssessive thoughts. This seems a way to block self focus. Viewing your own needs that you can give to yourself get switched with thoughts of the other.
It's almost created so that you cant move forward yet it's your own doing and up to you.

If these people have been or are being involved in toxic relations with others. Then they too are still discovering their own self and are not ready to acept self love. Let alone move into healthy boundaries for themself and others.
avoiding the pit of our own soul often means putting our attention elsewhere and on someone else. Maybe they will fill the pit. Maybe they will cause more toxic entanglement. The urge and pull is intense enough to draw you into a soul lesson.