do people change?

I’m new so thanks for the support.
Nice to know I’m on the right track.

Something to think about - what life lessons did you learn from the relationship? what did you move forward with being wiser and a better person after the relationship? If you go back do you think the lessons were truely learnt? If the things he did were that bad can you get past them? or were they part of the lessons learnt and are you pushing those lessons aside if you go back? (not expecting you to answer those here just some food for thought)

Having said that of course people can change maybe hes learnt some lessons that have seen him change for the better - I personally would be checking everything before I believed in that change though.

Good Luck

[NightSpirit]

So many different variables and details left out. How can one ever advise on such things so intricate? Best person to know is yourself.

People change, but they only change so much.

Growing up, my father was a horrible man who left me and my siblings with immense baggage. Over a decade later, he's gone through counseling, found himself spiritually and in life, and found the courage to apologize face-to-face to his children and keep a strong friendship going with his ex-wife. He's a kind man with a wonderful, eccentric sense of humor, but while they never resurface as they used to he still struggles internally with his problems on occasion and I still see the echoes.

Some problems can simply be washed away with time and effort, while other personal demons will always be there even if they've been brought under control. It's really up to the individual to determine whether or not someone from their past has changed enough and in such a way that bringing their lives together again will be a good thing. Big change doesn't happen overnight, and people are perfectly capable of faking and lapsing back into old ways. Forgiveness is a wonderful, healing thing, but if you give it out too freely to too dangerous of people you're making yourself vulnerable. If you're not ready to forgive him, which if you can't, you probably aren't, then don't force yourself. Go live your life and take care of your son.

More information from you would help us.

[Avilucis]

That's my experience too Teracotta, that people can work a lot on the outside actions, but inside they still have the bad thoughts.

Thoughts are very damaging and hurtful, and where they come from, I don't know but it takes a huge effort to stop hurting others, when you see what we all do to each other all the time, we can be like 'crab mentality', dragging each other down.
It's a very subtle thing, I thought I was a good person, till I saw how I really treat myself and others.

We are not only a victim, and not only innocent. Though, sometimes we are.
A good place to be in, is a place when we can discriminate between the two.
Then, we really start working.

Avilucis

Originally Posted by Terracotta

People change, but they only change so much.

Growing up, my father was a horrible man who left me and my siblings with immense baggage. Over a decade later, he's gone through counseling, found himself spiritually and in life, and found the courage to apologize face-to-face to his children and keep a strong friendship going with his ex-wife. He's a kind man with a wonderful, eccentric sense of humor, but while they never resurface as they used to he still struggles internally with his problems on occasion and I still see the echoes.

Some problems can simply be washed away with time and effort, while other personal demons will always be there even if they've been brought under control. It's really up to the individual to determine whether or not someone from their past has changed enough and in such a way that bringing their lives together again will be a good thing. Big change doesn't happen overnight, and people are perfectly capable of faking and lapsing back into old ways. Forgiveness is a wonderful, healing thing, but if you give it out too freely to too dangerous of people you're making yourself vulnerable. If you're not ready to forgive him, which if you can't, you probably aren't, then don't force yourself. Go live your life and take care of your son.

More information from you would help us.

[Avilucis]

Lol, I've so gotta type this out, it's from the NewScientist magazine, 6th August edition.

A NEW VIEW OF HUMAN EVOLUTION

Our ability to cooperate closely with other group members and to suppress cheats means that selection at the group level rather than the individual level has been an exceptionally strong force during human evolution. It may have played a crucial role in shaping both our genes and our culture

"Converging lines of evidence suggest that human genetic evolution represents a major evolutionary transition and one which accounts for our uniqueness among primates.
In most primates, members of a group cooperate to a degree, but there is also intense competition within groups for social dominance.
In contrast, most extant hunter-gatherer societies are vigilantly egalitarian, supressing individuals who try to benefit themselves at the expense of others.
As we have seen, the suppression of within-group selection is the hallmark of a major transition.

Vigilant egalitarianism probably arose early in human evolution and was a precondition for the other attributes that make us so distinctive as a species.
This is an example of gene-culture co-evolution in which it is impossible to say which came first.

Our closest primate relatives are also highly intelligent but in a way that appears predicated on mistrust.
In contrast, human intelligence appears to be based on trust among members of a group, making shared awareness and coordination of activities advantageous for so many generations that they are now instinctive in our species, as developmental psychologist Michael Tomasello has argued.
Even dogs, which have been co-evolving with humans for tens of thousands of years, surpass most primates with respect to adaptations based on trust.

As with other major evolutionary transitions, the human transition was a rare event that had momentous consequences.
As the only primate super-organism, we have spread over the globe, occupied hundreds of ecological niches and displaced countless other species - for better or for worse.

The human transition is by no means complete.
Within-group selection is only suppressed, not stopped, so constant vigilance is needed to maintain prosocial behaviour.
Indeed, many aspects of human morality can be interpreted as the apparatus that evolved to make group selection a strong force in our species".


If you take a step back and look at us humans, you can see we are not only dealing with our need to remain together as a functioning society, or in a functioning marriage, while at the same time, being faced with having to squash down individual desires because of that very reason.

As intelligent beings, we really need to learn how to allow others to be free, yet still functioning within society or marriage.
Have you ever allowed someone what they truely need, and seen them blossom into their full potential?
If you can't allow your partner to have what they need, and they can't allow you to have what you need, then I guess it's not going to work ... it's pretty simple, and your kid will thank you for both being balanced and happy, whatever the outcome :-)

if what he did was "the worst of the worst" then no because going back is showing him that he can do these things without consiquinces.

It can/does happen. Just not often.

[MysticalWings]

People can change when they realised their mistakes ....but its the TRUST that you will struggle to give back when you know at some point, this person hurts you once, there's no guarantee that your mind will be at peace that this person will never hurt again.....

[rajakrsna]

Yes some people do but there are things that can be never be changed not taxes or death because it`s already a given. The things we can change is our attitude which is the most of all. Because we carry them from our past lives. & that`s why we are here. But if ever we change our attitudes we become a different person. People who who used to recognize us & know us don`t acknowledge we are no longer the same as before.