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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Death & The Afterlife

 
 
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Old 12-12-2010, 04:44 AM
Roaring Thunder
Posts: n/a
 
My thoughts on death and the afterlife...

Hi! New here!

Disclaimer: This is kind of lengthy, so if you don't like novel-length posts, or if you have a short attention span, this topic won't be for you.

I'm 20, born in the year of 1990. I'm m2f transgender, male physically and I have a heck of a story to share.

Friday, December 10, 2010-
I'm going to school. I go to school for only two hours on Fridays only for reading assistance. For some reason or the other, the special ed teacher NEVER arrived this day, unlike the other days. So we were alone in the classroom the entire two-hour period. There were two, maybe three girls and I was the only boy. I would like if this happens again next Friday too.
I took my laptop to school last week and that's when I met my friend Sally (not her real name). She liked my laptop and we were talking about how she needed a laptop herself for school. It was just me and her in the room, minutes later.
After seeing Sally again yesterday (the day before I posted this) she was disappointed that I didn't bring my laptop. We once again spoke about how to go about acquiring a laptop. I told her I got mine from BestBuy. Then she called her stepdad and told him she needed one. I learned, from overhearing her conversation, Sally currently lives in a homeless shelter and wants to get through school and college so she could become a doctor. She told ME this herself after getting off the phone. I feel for her. Then I started to cry. Something told me to tell her I was transgender so I in a way wanted to cry. I was really crying because I wanted her attention, and I'm a touchy-feely kind of person lol. Some minutes passed and I couldn't get her attention. I whimpered a bit and she asked in a slow sweet tone "What's wrong?" But I didn't want to tell her anything. I nodded said 'nothing'. She asked if I was sure and I said that I was. "Is it about me?" she asked. I said that it kind of was but was mainly about me. I always saw crying on a Friday as a sin but I really wanted to get it off my chest.

She said 'Oh' and went back to her work on the computer. It was just the two of us... not another soul in the room. Sally even told me she's pregnant. She left for a second to go get something. That's when I let the tears flow more fully. I really cried. Sally came back in the classroom and saw me really crying. So she told me to talk and tell her what's wrong with me, interogating me like a cop. Sally even told me several times that she don't like seeing people cry.

I confessed to her that my life felt like a lie, and that I was transgender. Then, she said something overtop of me over the part where I said I was transgender. She didn't hear me and I told her once again I was a transgender. She was a bit confused about it so she asked if I was gay or if my parents changed my sex. I told her no, and that I wasn't attracted to males. She told me with sympathy in her voice that she saw something like that on Law & Order that they went through a gender change. I told her i couldn't afford to transition. I can't afford to transition. I don't want to anyway.

Being such a drama queen that I am, I told her I felt like I was dying slowly. She shared with me a few times where Sally almost died, one of which having an asthma attack. I shared with her a similar story, which took place back in May 2007. I had major chest problems and each time I would inhale, my chest would hurt really bad and I had to be rushed to the hospital. My mother spoke to me about my possible death. She said to me that I could die tonight (not tonight tonight but when it happened), and asked me what I thought about it if I'm remembering correctly. I didn't want to die because I have dreams to realize. I don't care if some people or most rather die without meeting all their dreams but that's my thing. Anyway, she told me maybe i'll be a girl in the next life and it put a big smile on my face, thus possibly saving my life back then too! My mom knows I'm transgender too.

After saying that, that i was dying slowly, it felt like a lie but I really do feel like I'm slowly dying, hence why my predicted death date is so close from now. The only thing pysically wrong with me is the lump on my head and I think it's a non-dangerous tumor.

I always feared death and I remember telling my mom that I don't want to die (don't ask lol). I don't know that I am afriad to die anymore because I don't even know what the afterlife process is like. It's just that I don't want to die of being murdered or anything crazy like that. This other girl a couple of years ago on the bus threatened to bring a knife on the bus and kill me. After I went home and prayed she left me completely alone the next day. Did she have a knife on her? I don't know. But I was really scared and was traumatised. It's not something I want to go into detail about but this person and I really don't like each other.
I'm working on a novel. My novel is about a male-to-female transgender (male physically), growing up in suburban Philadelphia who deals with the mistreatment of his stepmother and his classmates for being feminine and they think he's gay and this and that. I'm not gonna give away the whole book but he does nothing to change his current male body, like me, and his therapist wants him to be stronger. Lee Daniels, the Philadelphia filmmaker who directed and producted Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire - he's the reason I'm writing this book.

If I could go back and change anything about that moment, the May 2007 experience, it's that I would've had a near death experience. Why would I want a near death experience? I've heard about these kinds of things. It's like returning to the same body after death. Lee Daniels had a near death experience himself. The thing of it is, I read in an interview that as he was editing his prior movie Shadowboxer, he had a heart attack. But back then "God gave me a lifeline" which is really amazing because had Lee Daniels died that day, whenever it was, the movie Precious wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't had the dream to become an actor and my novel wouldn't be in the works now.

How does one go about finding out who they were in the previous life? I know there are processes to go though and things like that. But I wanted to find out in a near-death experience.

I predicted my own death tonight. I silently cried as I did. My predicted death date was set for December 10 in the year 2023. I know, that's too soon from now. As I made the prediction that in the year 2023, I would die of heart failure, I sobbed. The female doctor explained (or rather, will explain) to her "Your boyfriend is dead. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do." Then my girlfriend would burst into tears, crying over my death. I cried because I don't want to put her through something like that. There is nothing sadder than going to someone who is supposed to be able to help and they say, even if they can't, "I'm sorry. I cannot help you."

I kept crying tonight. I cried several times during the writing of this post. Tears kept trickling down my cheeks. I told her that I felt like i was slowly dying because of this lump on my head. It's because of stress - the stress of being Black and transgender. Stress is a silent violent killer. I will see Sally against next Friday, hopefully. She's my friend now.

For my consideration of her, I don't want to, every time I see her, talk to her about death and dying. I don't want to bring more drama into her already-difficult life.

As I tried to share with her my suicide story, she pleaded and insisted that I wouldn't talk like that. It's like the devil and she wouldn't bother to socilize with me if I did. She kept trying to tell me it's only going to get better. But how does she know? She doesn't know what I've been through.
I lie to you people not, I actually did make an attempt to hang myself once - not too long ago actaully. The closest I've even gotten was the belt holding on to my chin and I let it go. It was 11 at night one night. I was in tears. I was under a lot of stress. There was something wrong with my computer and I didn't know how to fix it or how what happened happened in the first place. I could feel the pressure and the weight all going to my chin so I had to stop.

Here's my prediction of the death process-
As my soul exits my current male form, I can feel myself ascending, up to the heavans. The song is Human Nature by Michael Jackson, playing at a beautiful pitch, echoing too to add beauty to the song. Michael Jackson's Human Nature always reminded me of the afterlife. I love it. I'm not as big a fan of it as I used to back in 2007. Anyhow, I go to the gates of Heaven. Up in Heaven, I would meet The Creator, my dad who died when I was younger, and possibly Michael Jackson if he really is dead (there are rumors going around that he faked his death which I'm starting to believe because the evidence is so convincing but I'm not so sure anymore).

It's Judgement Day, I tell The Creator that I've followed my dreams and did Her/His/Its purpose, or what I strongly believe to be Her/His/Its purpose. I'm sorry of each and every way I've disrespected Her. I have quite a few times by accusing The Creator of disrespecting me. It won't make me a girl and I said I would turn to the devil to be a girl. I was that desperate. I'm sorry and God forgives me. I am back again, born again, as a female baby. I'm Black again but then again I can't choose who I will be in a next life. That's in God's hands I guess. I really want that and She knows it. All I can do is pray and believe.
November 2009 was a changing month in my life. I seen Precious three times. The release of the movie particularly is what change my life. I want to be an actor, I want to meet the love of my life, I want to fly, I want to be on Oprah before her show ends in May 2011, and I want my novel to be adapted in a movie with me playing the main character. I want all of that to happen before I leave this earth.

Thank you very much in advance who took out the time to read this long post! And I look forward to hearing people's thoughts on this.
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