Maybe someone can help me regarding the type of connection I am having

[lwinders]

It is interesting the way the responses to my post are making me feel. Maybe I am in a bubble whether it is TF related or not. You go your whole life with a certain understanding of the way love relationships feel and then something like these feelings occur and everything is different. I am just trying to make sense of it. I am very grateful that it happened and I feel like I am lucky and won the love lottery even though it is not fulfilled in the way one would expect. Its like a beautiful treasure and even now I cannot remember the exact sensations in my heart. It has been different every day and I am trying to write it down as much as possible so I wont forget. Thank you to all who replied, for giving me new insights and ways to think about it and reflect and learn.

[lwinders]

Awakened Queen- I don't know, the inappropriateness of the touching is , ok its inappropriate because of the marriage so I agree to that. What can I say? I don't know for sure about him, but I certainly wasn't looking for this to happen with an unavailable person. But it did happen and just because he is in the position of massage therapist doesn't mean what we felt together was sleazy or he was sleazy for responding to how he was feeling. It was mutual and I would be lying if I said I would not have wanted it. If he was not a massage therapist and say the post man or someone I work with, then maybe the word sleazy would not come in.

Also the time he kissed me, we had the opportunity at that time to go farther, to have sexual relations. But I ran out of there because of the wife (who wasn't there at the time) and I told him so. That was decision time. If we had gone the sex route I am sure I would of never been able to go back.

I can say I don't feel like I have much choice about the onslaught of feelings that came about seemingly without much effort on either part. So the returning week after week does just continue to extend and reinforce the feelings. I don't know. I feel a strong enough connection to him that if I did not go back anymore I would still be happy. But admittedly that would be a very hard thing to do. There does feel like a multi life connection of previous love there so maybe this time its not going to happen in the physical long term, but already I feel like I am in love with him and that already did happen and so that feels fine. Maybe the next go round.

[Just Because]

Originally Posted by lwinders

Awakened Queen- The comment you made just doesn't resonate with how I am feeling about this situation at all. In a normal relationship experience I would expect to feel as you stated in your comment, it being toxic, or why I am doing this to myself etc. This absolutely does not feel any way like that. I don't think I have ever felt less chance of being toxic even within relationships that all signs said go, and all doors were opened, and there was nothing in the way. I probably just cannot convey through words the feeling but it is nothing like what you are mentioning.

I will agree with you that it is the most beautiful, right-feeling experience ever. Nothing could be more right than what you are feeling. I had that feeling, and I thought anything that contradicted it was flat-out wrong and even un-heavenly. I still feel that way; however...

As soon as I found out the truth of her circumstances, I promised myself I was never, ever going to tell her how I felt. I was content to just be her friend for all time, in spite of the pain of not being able to be together fully. I was sure she felt the same way about me, but, like me, she was never going to admit it (I was right). It hurt, but it was still enough, because it was a beautiful, happy hurt.

Through a tragicomedy of errors, both mine and hers, the truth was forced out. My tragicomic mistake was so small it should have been ignored. Her tragicomic mistake, which was not to ignore mine, was massive and fateful.

We both thought we could control the situation after that. We had no idea we were on the slipperiest slippery slope in the known universe. By the time we did realize it, there was no stopping the endless misery we had to experience during our lightning-speed slide down that slope. It didn't end well for either of us, that being permanent separation after our hearts and souls had become so intertwined that the agony of separation was a total nightmare.

Based on what you have written, I think you are still at or very near the top of your slippery slope. FOR YOUR SAKE, you should consider reversing course and getting off of it the same way you got on, before it's too late to avoid the pain. Quit while everything is still wonderful and magical, and you will always have that.

[hineahuone]

This happened to me with a Dominant masculine who used massage to connect with his submissives. I thought I was falling in love but he was not interested in that, only controlling me. I was under his influence and it felt like I was losing my mind. I managed to pull away from him after speaking with other females in the BDSM scene who explained to me the way a D/s relationship is meant to look like and he was just an abuser. I am saying this because there sounds like these two masseuses are using their practice to get off on the clients and it is just kinky and sleazy. Be very careful and don't romanticize especially if you cannot communicate openly with them. I had already met my twin before this and I had not realised it. The connection with the Dom was a trigger for my spiritual growth so I acknowledged that and told him that I did not want to see him again. He respected my wish and the connection was instantly gone. I then saw my twin again and realised that we had a strong connection and it was healthier than the one with the Dom guy. I am feeling closer to my twin as we have both gone through some big changes and spiritual growth. I do believe that the twin/soulmate connection is for your highest good and it should never be disempowering or abusive.

[Just Because]

Originally Posted by hineahuone

This happened to me with a Dominant masculine who used massage to connect with his submissives. I thought I was falling in love but he was not interested in that, only controlling me. I was under his influence and it felt like I was losing my mind.

I agree that there are definitely masseurs who do exactly what you describe. There is ample evidence of it. I also agree with you that she should stop while she is ahead for exactly the reason that you state, and for the reason I state. Whichever one is true, stopping before it is too late is the safest, least painful course of action.

[hineahuone]

Originally Posted by Just Because

I agree that there are definitely masseurs who do exactly what you describe. There is ample evidence of it. I also agree with you that she should stop while she is ahead for exactly the reason that you state, and for the reason I state. Whichever one is true, stopping before it is too late is the safest, least painful course of action.

She should get away from these abusers. If he is the twin and truly loves her, he will not want to harm her in any way.

[lwinders]

I am not sure what I wrote would even come close to being something considered abusive or sleazy for that matter. I think maybe because it is involving massage people are relating it somehow to their beliefs about how something should be or how it is for other people. I guess its just not coming across. The whole entire thing feels very, very positive and super good energy to the point that energy is spilling out towards others around us and for me all through my days. I have detected zero bad or hurtful intentions towards me by him. I don't feel like any energy is getting taken away from me. there is not any attacking or using happening. I am sure of that. It is sort of difficult getting that feedback because it is not the case in anyway at all. I can tell you there is no dominant submissive abusive or anything like that. Honestly he is a little old sweet Asian man going into his golden years ,not some psychic vampire, at least not towards me. Now being careful not to allow my feelings to get too big to the point I become tormented, that is something to think about.

I trust my feelings and my intuition and that is the most important thing I have to go on.

[blablabla]

Originally Posted by lwinders

Awakened Queen- I don't know, the inappropriateness of the touching is , ok its inappropriate because of the marriage so I agree to that. What can I say? I don't know for sure about him, but I certainly wasn't looking for this to happen with an unavailable person. But it did happen and just because he is in the position of massage therapist doesn't mean what we felt together was sleazy or he was sleazy for responding to how he was feeling. It was mutual and I would be lying if I said I would not have wanted it. If he was not a massage therapist and say the post man or someone I work with, then maybe the word sleazy would not come in.

Also the time he kissed me, we had the opportunity at that time to go farther, to have sexual relations. But I ran out of there because of the wife (who wasn't there at the time) and I told him so. That was decision time. If we had gone the sex route I am sure I would of never been able to go back.

I can say I don't feel like I have much choice about the onslaught of feelings that came about seemingly without much effort on either part. So the returning week after week does just continue to extend and reinforce the feelings. I don't know. I feel a strong enough connection to him that if I did not go back anymore I would still be happy. But admittedly that would be a very hard thing to do. There does feel like a multi life connection of previous love there so maybe this time its not going to happen in the physical long term, but already I feel like I am in love with him and that already did happen and so that feels fine. Maybe the next go round.

Reading this that you wrote and other things you wrote before as well, I need to say something else to you.

When you say "I certainly wasn't looking for this to happen with an unavailable person" the only thing I have to say to you is that we attract what we are.

And in another post, you wrote that it doesn't frustrate you or you feel bad because you aren't able to be with him.

You know what? If I met the true love of my life and I couldn't be with him, I would be TRULY FUC**** ANNOYED and FRUSTRATED! And I would be like that because I do want a REAL relationship with an available man!

So, if you attracted an unavailable guy and you don't feel annoyed that you cannot be together, I would take a good look at yourself because it seems to me that the unavailable person here is you.

The whole situation of him being married and you only seeing him when you go to the massage seems to me like a safety net because you are not available yourself.

Yes the situation is opening your heart but you need to be conscious and aware of your patterns and also conscious that you DESERVE to feel true love with a man that is 100% available to you.

Again, I'll say that eventually you'll realise that yourself and stop going to that place. All the best.

[jro5139]

Originally Posted by lwinders

I am not sure what I wrote would even come close to being something considered abusive or sleazy for that matter. I think maybe because it is involving massage people are relating it somehow to their beliefs about how something should be or how it is for other people. I guess its just not coming across. The whole entire thing feels very, very positive and super good energy to the point that energy is spilling out towards others around us and for me all through my days. I have detected zero bad or hurtful intentions towards me by him. I don't feel like any energy is getting taken away from me. there is not any attacking or using happening. I am sure of that. It is sort of difficult getting that feedback because it is not the case in anyway at all. I can tell you there is no dominant submissive abusive or anything like that. Honestly he is a little old sweet Asian man going into his golden years ,not some psychic vampire, at least not towards me. Now being careful not to allow my feelings to get too big to the point I become tormented, that is something to think about.

I trust my feelings and my intuition and that is the most important thing I have to go on.

I feel like if it's a one time thing that has only ever happened with one person because of a connection, than that is one thing. If this is something he does on a regular basis with multiple clients, than that is sleazy!