Clingy and Possessive

[GalTrav]

Are these two traits curable or is it in born?

Who knows, though I suspect it's more from early upbringing and environment. If brought up to feel insecure in your family - your parents aren't nurturing you emotionally then you may try to find that security later on by clinging.

[FairyCrystal]

It is not a disease, so it isn't curable. You can do something about it of course. It's behaviour that comes from fear. Fear of abandonment, not feeling worthy, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, that sort of thing.
When someone works on those issues, the neediness will go / get less.
It is instinctive reaction / survival technique caused by events in the past.

[7luminaries]

It's definitely some mix of both nature and nuture.
But I have to say, the innate leaning one way or the other is either born or trained into you whilst young, I'd reckon. And it will require conscious choices and focus or willpower to bring yourself back into balance. Both clinginess and possessiveness are simply two aspects of the same "neediness" spectrum, and their opposites are autonomy and agency.

Since I was very young, I've never been either clingy or possessive and find both of these to a real turn-off, so I don't relate to this dynamic. The stronger and wiser I get, the less and less I need the blind affirmation of others at all. I choose to mutually engage, to affirm, and to connect. But I've never been one to need the affirmation of any but my closest fam, friends, and soul fam.

Meaning, the games ppl play don't work on me at all. Neither do facile compliments nor manipulations or machinations. I won't be controlled or intimidated, and I'm happy on my own if I'm not valued equally in every way for my humanity. My lack of physical strength and my physical vulnerability does not render me of lesser humanity or lesser worth. That's equality of humanity and worth is our human right and privilege. I am (and you are) the equal of any and all. And I am (and you are) no one's bootlicker or prostitute

But I do see a lot of folks trying to play this game and it's very tiresome. It's like relating to others as things or possessions, like a narcissistic toddler and his toys or his pets or his universe, LOL. Rather than as your equals, your fellow humanity. I think the neediness which seems to be quite common to both men and women is sometimes understandably borne of desperation and dire financial straits when you've not the resources needed all on your own. But much of neediness on one side is rooted in addiction (needing sex or touch or ego-boosting). And likewise much of it on the other side is a sort of Stockholm syndrome codependency, where you've been beaten down, broken, and bent toward neediness to enable a predator.

In either of these cases, you're best running, not walking, out of there.
And getting all the help and support you need to do so.

If humanity cannot relate to one another from a place of mutual parity and strength and vulnerability, we will always find ourselves in positions of deep imbalance, exploitation, and abuse. It seems that it's always those addictive &/or codependent, abusive situations which contain those labeled as "needy", a pejorative label which designates some sort of character failing. I would instead see them as addicted, or abused, or both, and in need of help and support, to be able to stand on their own and to extract themselves from situations which render them as addicted or codependent. As "needy".

Peace & blessings
7L

[angelic star]

Breaking out of the co dependency pattern is extremely hard one at times for those who have been in relationship for very long. It's almost like an addiction that runs through your system and it's hard to let it go. Even toxic pattern becomes a habit for the abused. You now like how they say when someone kidnaps someone, after a while the victim starts to develop feelings for the one who has committed crime against them. Once you have trained yourself to rely on someone, and the relationship does not offer you emotionally what you need, getting out of the helplessness and having much clarity/ independence for yourself can be very hard. Just taking the first step to break a toxic pattern can be hard, esp when you live with a toxic partner/ family member.
There are things that are healthy and then their are things that are unhealthy. When someone ' needs' you as a property then the control factor comes in and it can be manipulative/ abusive. Control is someone's manipulation/ blackmail over your helplessness to get from you what another wants. Control can majorly play in either case, as ways to gain sympathy or just ego boost etc.
Its very unhealthy to want someone to feed an unhealthy pattern within oneself and also in relationship. There isn't anything as bad as that, like psychological abuse and people go through that for years. Reminds me Carre Otis story, ' Beauty Interrupted' where she recalls the same toxic pattern running in her relationship with her husband. Where he would physically abuse her, stalk her and want to limit her chances of work even. I see this way too often manifest in close partnerships.
It especially manifests strongly in close relationships.
We don't own anyone and we don't ever have any right to. Everyone is entitled to a life of their own. A commitment is not the same as emotional/ mental freedom. We all are dependent on one another for different things, we all live together in this world. The problem is when that dependency develops into helplessness to the extent that you cannot leave people who abuse you.
Commitment / loyalty is one thing and sincerity is needed in all partnerships. But wanting another person to the point that you want to inhibit their life/ progress and restrict their freedom to render them even helpless and take advantage of it is unhealthy to me.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by 7luminaries

In either of these cases, you're best running, not walking, out of there.
And getting all the help and support you need to do so.

that is fine to say, but some of us can't get help and support from ANYONE, we are totally on our own to try to deal with whatever life throws at us. And then we get blamed for the situation we find ourselves in (sometimes as lightly as you did here, but sometimes much worse).

it doesn't help that everyone wants to walk out on us as soon as they aren't getting what they 'deserve' either.

[7luminaries]

Fallingleaves, I don't know your story, sorry.

I am of course speaking generally and not to any specific person. And I meant what I said to be applicable to any sort of relationship, whether fam, friend, partner, workplace, or other.

If you feel your mental or physical well-being is at stake, then I would urge you to seek help right away, and don't hesitate to reach out. There are professional counsellors and group therapists who can speak to you right now, without the blame family & friends may seek to lay on you. I would look to your own well-being first and foremost here, and put all other concerns aside until you feel that you are safe and stable.

it doesn't help that everyone wants to walk out on us as soon as they aren't getting what they 'deserve' either.

As to your last, that is true for everyone isn't it? I assume here you are speaking of partnership relationships. Ok...

Think about how pervasively sick and toxic this society's mainstream normative understanding of "love" and "relationship" is. The mainstream paradigm promotes a degrading, utilitarian approach to others, where sex and bootlicking are demanded up front (or very early on) in exchange say for financial support or security, etc. There is naught but the most superficial of getting to know one another that can possibly be had over a mere handful of dates over perhaps a handful of weeks, etc. It's clearly hard, cold, impersonal screwing with just the barest pretense of becoming superficially acquainted.

If sex is not offered up readily enough under the mainstream "partner relationship" paradigm, then often sex is coerced and taken by force if one is at all vulnerable or at risk. Those who don't resort to violence will simply walk out immediately once it's clear your integrity is not for sale and you don't want a mindless, superficial, conditional "agreement". Our culture promotes rape, free prostitution, and pernicious levels of sex and porn addiction. And then this same mainstream culture says this is normal, i.e., this violence (implicit and real, both) and this degradation is all you should expect AND all you should even care to aspire to or hope for. It's about as dark as I could possibly imagine in a so-called free society. Clearly, if we had no rights at all, most of the current pretense could just be done away with entirely.

Your heart and your humanity are worthless under this paradigm. So if you value your humanity and the humanity of others, you have no choice but to reject the mainstream paradigm and seek to take time to know others first and foremost as people and as friends, in the fullness of your mutual humanity. At the present time, it is only a small fraction of humanity, particularly those in power-over positions, who will have the courage to to own that they are not empowered in the fullness of their humanity under the current paradigm. No matter who they can step on and all that. Once those folks do begin step away, I find the vast majority who do this will feel hugely amazed and rewarded with the depth of humanity and heart that is on offer by all of us who are walking the path consciously.

True, you may not find a healthy partnership relationship based on authentic love at this time, because it is so rare as to be both unknown and inconceivable to many. Many lack the capacity for authentic love in partnership entirely at this time. Historically, it is also an unknown in partnership and was never the norm. Authentic love in partnership is something that largely has to be built from the ground up in partnership relationships between non-familial adults, because authentic love as a foundation for partnership has never before existed in the history of humanity.

Yet, you can find authentic love, love that seeks your highest good equally to all others, full stop, without conditions and simply for who you are. You can find this authentic love right now with beloved family, beloved friends, and with caring community members and groups. Authentic love is the foundation of all truly loving relationships, and we can surround ourselves with authentically loving relationships from so many, many sources. The problem is when we expect the current state of humanity and society to be what it has not yet come to be, regarding partnership relationships. I say, don't limit your sources of authentic love to those places where it has not yet come to be (for the vast majority of humanity). Instead, we can all look to the myriad sources of authentic love in our lives that is available RIGHT NOW.

So what are you waiting for?

Peace & blessings
7L

[davidsun]

I just came across this excellent (I think) article on 'emotional dependency' and ways of moving past it:

http://www.wisemushroom.org/how-to-o...al-dependency/

[LiberatedLotus]

There are many factors that influence
these tendencies, and of course they are
curable given the individual is aware enough
to initiate the healing process.

These traits are deeply rooted in
past trauma / abandonment issues
that can even possibly stem from
lifetimes ago (given certain astrological
signs have these tendencies)
that are deep set in ones psyche /
individuals who have fragmented
realities of themselves "a murdered self"
and have completely lost their identity
/ sovereignty apart from that of another,
and also the inexperienced.

Also, i may say when you truly love
someone on the deepest levels one
can it is natural to develop these
ties, I'm speaking in terms of soul
connections. Also, it is understandable
that given the nature of a relationship,
you are investing your entire being into
another: body, heart/mind, and soul.
Your time & energy. If one becomes
completely consumed by another /
merging of two ofcourse this is going
to happen.

To be honest, I would question the
legitimacy of relations if this didn't
happen to an extent. To an extent.

Again, it is always important to maintain
boundaries. To know your sovereignty
apart from another. To master yourself
before even allowing someone else into
your world. This has to be the same
conditions for the other. To understand the
transitory nature of life, of being.

To also honor being. Honor the
life of another & the Universe in
which one is birthed from.
Also, it is directly reflective of the
honor you have for yourself.
The gratitude for life itself.

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by LiberatedLotus

Again, it is always important to maintain
boundaries. To know your sovereignty
apart from another. To master yourself
before even allowing someone else into
your world. This has to be the same
conditions for the other. To understand the
transitory nature of life, of being.

Strikes me that the development and deployment of a capacity for empathy, which I think is necessary for a soul, i.e. 'self', to actualize meaningful (i.e. consciously functional) relational connection with others souls (i.e. 'selves') in the context of Life's (i.e. the Self's) multi-nodal River-Flow, requires that one also develop and enact creatively functional 'boundaries' (dharmic 'duties') wherein one appropriately assumes as well as assigns personal 'responsibility' (i.e. response-ability).

This is where the development of wisdom comes becomes an evolutionary factor, I think. Unbalanced empathy can be quite the 'hell'-maker for those on the way to 'heaven', aye what Lotus Flower?